Shall we have a "new single parent" chat thread?

(97 Posts)
BrittaPerry Sun 24-Feb-13 22:04:35

I get the keys to my new house on Thursday and I am BRICKING IT.

But also quite pleased :-)

Is anyone else new to all this? Or used to it and wants to share advice/chat?

glitternanny Sun 24-Feb-13 23:03:22

I'm new to this. My ex moved out beginning of jan just me and my lb 15m now sad

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 24-Feb-13 23:09:43

I'm new to this for the second time, in some ways it's harder than last time sad

emmab16 Tue 26-Feb-13 10:22:28

Yes please , a chat thread would be good smile

12stonelighter50feettaller Tue 26-Feb-13 13:45:26

Pretty new to it - split with xp in September, he moved out November. Things are certainly getting easier already, but having the odd blip. Would love a chat thread!

Blip Number 1- My DS (4yo) is finding things tough at the moment; he seemed quite excited about Daddy's new house at first, but it seems reality has sunk in now. He is clingy, really pushing the boundaries behaviour-wise, and I feel wracked with guilt, as it was my decision to split. He misses his Dad so much, although he sees him 2 nights a week some weeks, 4 nights a week other weeks. Anyone going through similar, and how are you dealing with it?

BTW - as an introduction - I am late thirties, work 3 days a week, and as well as Ds have a 2 year old as well. Acrimonious split, but things are getting a little less heated now, and exp lives around the corner and has a new gf with children. I am staying single FOREVER grin.

VictorTango Tue 26-Feb-13 13:49:42

Hey, great idea.

I split with stbexh last July. We were together 13 years so being single still feel pretty strange.

I'm 31. I have a 5yo and a 2yo.

I have just joined POF but I'm not sure why as I'm quite happy being single and able to do what I want, when I want. I think pressure from others makes me think about a relationship when I wouldn't normally. And the fear of growing old alone shock

12stonelighter50feettaller - I am having same problems with 5yo dd1. Lots of reassurance is all I can suggest. Would also love any advice anyone has?

glitternanny Tue 26-Feb-13 13:53:26

Sounds hard 12s I guess he just needs lots of reassurance from both of you that you love him and always will and you just don't love each other anymore. Does he have shy friends with split parents/older cousins or family friends.
How is he at nursery/school?

I'm 32, 33 on Sunday. My boy is 15m luckily he'll never know any different. I probably knew we'd never last to be honest bit thought we could make it work and be happy. Maybe I wanted more when I became a mummy, more friendship love and support. Ex says ill Never get that, i want top much.

Who knows the deeper stuff.

I'm full of guilt and blame and back on anti-depressants.

I work ft 53-65 hours a week bringing my boy with me. Ex has him 5 nights in 3 weeks.

IneedAgoldenNickname Tue 26-Feb-13 14:02:58

I'm 28, got 2 sons aged 6 and 8. I'm studying at college and hope to go to uni in September.

Also have behaviour issues, mainly with the younger one. But apparently his Dad has told him he doesn't have to listen to me when I tell him to tidy up as it's my job!

victor any luck on pof? Joined last week and all the blokes so far are weird! Not sure why I joined tbh, I quite like being single!

12stonelighter50feettaller Tue 26-Feb-13 14:19:34

There is so much pressure not to stay single for long, isn't there VT? I am very happy single at the moment, but my Mum's already started on at me about finding myself some solvent widower to look after me shock. Can't think of anything worse. I don't feel lonely at all, I am very busy and love having the bed to myself, but just get depressed at how isolated I feel sometimes as a single Mum and how overwhelming it can all seem, not sure if a bf would solve that problem, I need to solve it myself.

DS does not really know any other kids whose parents have split up, no-one at school, no cousins, so he doesn't really see any other families in our boat to help normalise it for him. Luckily he is absolutely fine at school, no difference in his behaviour or learning, so proud of him for saving all the shit for Mummy smile.

VictorTango Tue 26-Feb-13 14:42:59

Ineed - Well I did get talking to someone who looked nice last night. But what I'm looking for is someone just to chat with for a little while before I even consider meeting them. And he seems quite keen to meet. And he keeps messaging me about not replying to him. He's told me twice that he will 'leave me alone now' so I think I'll file him under weird grin

I feel isolated as well 12stone. And I agree, I can't see a bf helping matters either. Esp when ex is still being an idiot.

Wallison Tue 26-Feb-13 14:52:00

Hello everyone. I have been single for YEARS now. I'm a little too happy and settled with it maybe. Tried online dating a bit last year and found one nice man (and a lot who would get shirty if I didn't reply to them immediately - just block any of them like that, I think) but the logistics of it all make me think it's impossible to be in a proper relationship. For me, anyway, because my son is here all the time, the babysitter has to be home by 11 and I don't want to be introducing "Mummy's special friend" until I know someone really well. But then how do you get to know someone really well if the most you can see them is for a couple of hours a couple of times a week? So I'm back to being on my own again now.

What does stbexh mean?

VictorTango Tue 26-Feb-13 15:06:33

So To Be Ex Husband

IneedAgoldenNickname Tue 26-Feb-13 15:07:02

Lol tell me about it! One guys opening message to me was 'give me your number, I love big girls mmmmm' I've had about 10 messages from him asking for my number, even though I've ignored him!
Another guy told me about 5 mind into or convo that he has a 10 inch cock and wants to fuck me
The third guy keeps pestering me got a day to meet, can't see why I won't take my kids, and says he's going to bring NE the best red rose in town because I'm worth it!
Finally is a guy who says his longest relationship is less then a year, has 4 children by 2 women, and one of his 1St questions was did I want more kids because he does

VictorTango Tue 26-Feb-13 15:12:33

Oh dear god .. Is there any hope?!

Wallison Tue 26-Feb-13 15:12:49

Hahaha! Well, they all sound like keepers.

I haven't been on POF; used OKCupid which is supposed to be a bit less cattle market-y but still had a few strange messages. One guy, who just wouldn't stop badgering me, said "Awwww, you sound like you need a big hug" when I said I was single and had a son. Yeah, because that's so dreadful. Prick.

Thank you, Victor - I thought that maybe the 'b' stood for 'bastard'.

VictorTango Tue 26-Feb-13 15:16:57

In my case Wallison, the whole phrase 'stbxh' means bastard grin

I might have a look at OKCupid. I don't know why though. I couldn't ever imagine meeting anyone. My confidence is far too low to risk rejection.

Wallison Tue 26-Feb-13 15:26:49

grin Tango.

I was thinking it was something along the lines of 'stupid bastard ex husband' which made for quite a contrast to 'dh' and 'dp' etc.

I think if you're feeling fragile, online dating can be a little, erm, robust so maybe leave it for a while. I mean, people seem to be less forgiving than in real life - I've noticed that I am. And it's not as though any of us needs to have another person around, is it? [twitches]

IneedAgoldenNickname Tue 26-Feb-13 15:52:30

I must admit, based on that selection I'd rather be single!

Piemother Tue 26-Feb-13 19:55:10

Hi all please let me in!
I'm 33 been a lp for nearly a year and v recently divorced. C acrimonious split but exh has been quite good lately tbf. I have 2 dds 3 and 4 months.
My ex is a shocking mn stalker so no relationship info from me but I will say that I was c shocked when we split how many offers of flings and affairs i got from men we knew immediately. Even blokes I thought has high morals had no shame in propositioning me and seemed surprised when I declined!

Meanwhile I have found everything easier as a lp. Every single thing grin

IneedAgoldenNickname Tue 26-Feb-13 21:32:45

piemother hi smile and shock at being propositioned by all those men, cheeky sods! Mind you I could just be jealous that no one has propositioned me!

Piemother Tue 26-Feb-13 21:49:42

Yeh but it wasn't a compliment hmm

BrittaPerry Tue 26-Feb-13 22:38:32

I'm 28, officially separated from H at the beginning of Feb, so not long at all. I say officially though, I had been weeping and gnashing teeth about it for months. Weirdly, I just feel relieved...

I've moved over to the town I come from with the kids, which sounds terrible, but H also lived here for 18 years and we were only meant to be moving to his home town on a temp basis. Three and a half years of not having any friends, being away from my very close and large family and only having a stroppy drunken arse who refuses to do anything apart from go to the local rough pub on the rare babysitting nights (and the nights we don't have a babysitter he goes by himself...) and I was begging to come home. He kept turning it on to me, saying I was being snobby for wanting to do arty things and go to gigs rather than sit laughing at sexist jokes in a pub that doesn't even serve real ale. But then I am apparently common for wanting to hang around with my family because they have a big telly and are poor. Twat. Of course, now I have left him he is full of remorse for all the shouting and isolating and drinking and slamming doors and swearing etc etc etc...

<Deep breath>

But yeah, I'm staying at my mums house with my 5 and 3yo DDs, but we get the keys to our new house on Thursday.

H has taken out the tenancy on a house in the same street as my new house, which will be good for the kids at least, but a bit puzzling given that he apparently hated the idea of the town (?)

He's actually being OK, but I am used to him being nice for a while until he thinks I have forgotten him being nasty, so I am waiting and seeing...

IneedAgoldenNickname Tue 26-Feb-13 23:21:07

Sorry pie I know it wasn't, that was my, possibly misguided attempt at humour/tongue in cheek.

Britta there's no understanding men. One of the main things me and ex disagreed on was that I wanted more children, he didn't. Yet his new gf was pg within 3 months [Hmm] mind you, maybe she's the good little woman I want, and won't expect him to change nappies!

doinmybest Wed 27-Feb-13 10:29:04

Me please lp since Nov completely out of the blue. Felt I was coping until I was sick recently. I can look after dc's house cat dog etc but who looks after us when we're out of action??
Finding lp life very liberating and exciting, scary and lonely when the dc's are in bed.

12stonelighter50feettaller Wed 27-Feb-13 11:34:13

My God, your POF stories have completely put me off entering the dating pool ever again grin. I also love not having to trim the hedges and shave the legs smile.

Britta I also felt mostly relief after xp and I split, I did a lot of my angsting and crying and heartbreak when still with him. I feel pretty calm now, but I must be stressed underneath it all, as I have a pretty low tolerance threshold when the kids are playing up, and collapse exhausted every night when they are in bed.

Piemother, what is it with exes stalking on Mumsnet? Inventive new passwords and witty namechanges are starting to elude me now. There is loads of it about, have read posts from so many women complaining about their dp's and exp's stalking them on here. I thought it was just my exp! He insists that it was Mumsnet that ruined our relationship. They really do all think we are a terrible bunch of manhating harridans don't they? grin grin

12stonelighter50feettaller Wed 27-Feb-13 11:36:33

doinmybest it is awful when you're ill, isn't it? I had tonsilitis recently and it was the worst week of my life sad. I dread another bout of it, I thought I was going to die grin. It made me realise how much I need to get to know other Mums in my area, at least so I didn't have to drag my sorry arse out in the snow with a raging temperature to pick ds up from school.

glitch Wed 27-Feb-13 11:57:24

Can I sneak on here too please. LP since July last year after separating from my H after 12 years. I have a 7 year old DS.

I sometimes read the dating thread and wonder if I should be doing more to get back into a relationship and then I wonder why. I quite like being a LP, I am managing finacially, I have some good friends and I like living without another adult to think about (hmmm, I think I might be a little selfish!) or perhaps that is just the fall out from a less than perfect relationship.

Nice to see others who are OK on their own too. My younger sister floored me a little last week. I have been happily plodding along alone and then she started asking me if I have met anyone, whether there is anyone on the horizon, when I might meet someone. I suddenly got a bit scared of the expectation vs the reality (ie, everyone thinks I should meet someone now and the reality is I may never meet anyone).

Oh well, another week of me and DS and no tears this week so we can't be doing that badly.

suburbophobe Wed 27-Feb-13 12:12:53

Great, this new thread!

I'm an old hat (and an old bag compared to you lot LOL), my son will be 22 in July and have been LP since he was 6 months old!
It does get better even if there are times when you feel you're going to drown in the responsibility of it all.....
Add to that taking care of aging parents (both passed away now), it's like juggling all those balls (and dropping the lot sometimes)....

But now, I'm free and single, son living on campus so life is good! Absolutely love not having to be in the kitchen around 6!

As for relationships.... like a merry-go-round.

I don't do internet dating. Too many creeps. I prefer to meet a man in real life so you can get the "feel" haha of him.

12stonelighter50feettaller Wed 27-Feb-13 13:25:07

Anyone come across this website before? The holidays look fab shame I can't afford a holiday ever again , and the forum looks interesting.

12stonelighter50feettaller Wed 27-Feb-13 13:28:07

Oops, pressed post too quickly, Hello suburbophobe (great username) and glitch.

It is so great to hear that I am not the only single Mum who doesn't have much inclination to meet someone else, was beginning to think I was a freak of nature! It just feels so much more, I don't know, peaceful being me, without the complications of a relationship, or potential relationship, or relationship breakdown, clouding my thoughts.

doinmybest Wed 27-Feb-13 17:09:19

I know, friends keep recommending sites, my mum keeps referring to 'when it happens' and even my dd has said she's ok if I want a new bf! Im quite happy with putting the kids in bed jim jams on and a cuppa or a glass of red and the remote to myself ;)

Piemother Wed 27-Feb-13 19:25:01

Ha ha exh has alleged that mn ruined our marriage too. It's somewhat true because I learned that his behaviour was textbook abusive hmm. I'm in the freedom programme now because of mn and its helping a lot.
Anyway....the mn stalking is just pathetic. They should all fuck off to f4j or some other misogynistic forum.

IneedAgoldenNickname Wed 27-Feb-13 19:44:26

Tbh I don't know why I signed up for a dating site, I'm happy being single and don't have time for a relationship anyway!

I think it's peer pressure, plus the kids asking when I'm going to get a bf! sad I think it's sad that they think I have to be in a relationship, just because their prick of a father can't be single!

Thanks for the link 12stone I've never heard if then, but am off to look now smile

glitch Wed 27-Feb-13 22:05:35

I have a holiday booked with them this August. Was feeling brave when I booked it, not sure I will be so brave when we are in the car on the way! grin

VictorTango Thu 28-Feb-13 09:34:58

Oh glitch, well done! I have been ummming and arrrhing over booking a holiday with them.

Was thinking of doing a camping trip then bottled it.

12stonelighter50feettaller Thu 28-Feb-13 09:42:18

I am thinking about booking on their Cornwall holiday in August, but am still in two minds. I know the dc would enjoy it more than just going on holiday with me alone.

VictorTango Thu 28-Feb-13 09:44:41

I've heard good things about them 12stone. I keep thinking I need to lose a lot of weight before I can even consider a holiday.

Which may just be my way of putting it off ..

VictorTango Thu 28-Feb-13 09:49:00

Just had a look at Cornwall trips looks really good with a lot to do 12stone.

I wish I were a braver person!

OverlyYappy Thu 28-Feb-13 09:54:38

Hello, I have been single for 2 years now, I spent one moping about and possibly going to/fro my STBXBastard. He blamed MN too, then a Pet Forum, then my cats, then me, yeah everyone is to blame for us splitting up.

I have done the Freedom Programme and am floating about in Limbo now, dated a lot last year and from I remember the year before, no idea of half their names but they were all faulty in some way (I think I may be faulty but am finding other men faulty tbh) So I am on a dating break.

I have 2 DC, they do not see their sperm donor, SWork agree it is best for them. We have moved away from our 'married home' and I don't think my ex knows where we live but nothing would surprise me. I do not work just now as I have to see a Therapist every 2 weeks as I has PTSD, I am unsure if this is from the abuse whilst married or the abuse after we split, I just know I have it and hope it goes soon!

Anyway hello! POF is full of sleazes ime! I did find 2 that were OK. Not sleazy anyway, still not for me though.

VictorTango Thu 28-Feb-13 09:56:16

What is the freedom programme?

VictorTango Thu 28-Feb-13 09:57:21

OverlyYappy have a very big unmumsnetty <<hug>> from me smile

MissPricklePants Thu 28-Feb-13 09:59:30

<waves> I have 1 dd aged 3.9, and have been single 3.6 years! Ex is useless so it is just me and dd. I don't date (no time and lack of babysitter funds). I suffer with depression although its steadily improving. Ex was abusive and I still struggle to come to terms with it. But life is good, I work part time and volunteer. I crochet, I read, I cycle...can't complain. Hope you are all well!

OverlyYappy Thu 28-Feb-13 10:01:21

Thank you smile

The Freedom Programme is for women who have lived with or been married to abusive men. It can be done from home (I tried this but didn't read the book properly due to nightmares and me being a wimp). I then on advice of Womens Aid done it in a Group.

It enables people who have been in abusive reltionship to see how these men work and how they are not to blame. The book is The Dominator, some men have a few dominating issues some have them all, my ex had them all the ....

VictorTango Thu 28-Feb-13 10:04:30

Maybe I should look into that.

I posted a thread a couple of days ago about trying to understand my ex and his controlling ways. I got some good advice but many thought I should stop trying to work him out and move on.

Easier said than done when I feel he is still in my head and is still actually being a twat in RL

shadesofwhite Thu 28-Feb-13 10:06:13

MArking my place grin

I'm in a refuge for DV the STBXH nearly ended my life couple of weeks ago and I'm awaiting to be housed. My DD is 15mnths. Still very low emotionally and not so sure how I'm gonna cope being a LP therefore, thanks OP for the thread smile

Wallison Thu 28-Feb-13 10:15:13

I have a few friends who keep going on about me needing to start dating so that I've got something 'for me' but actually that doesn't make sense, at least where I'm at. Surely when you're seeing someone if it's serious you have to be thinking about them and taking them into account etc? Which tbh I can't be arsed to do right now - I'm happier just pleasing myself - and making sure my son is happy of course.

Plus (and this is a Really Bad Thought and probably shows how twisted I've become) I don't know what a man could do for me; I mean, I've already got a kid and I don't want any more, so that side of things is out of the question. So what else is there, other than them hanging around and being useless?

OverlyYappy Thu 28-Feb-13 10:16:09

I seen that thread Victor, it's good to to. The book could have been written for my EX. It's unbelievable how these men operate.

shadesofwhite I have been through something similar, mine counted out amyptriptyline for me to take as it 'would be better off for everyone' I took them, start hallucinating, heart racing, wandering around naked (I didn't do this in front of him) it was horrid, he refused to take me to hospital, I texted a friend, she called my GP, he called me and TOLD my ex to take me, I first went to GP Surgery 2 days after taking the pills, my heart was still going at a joggers pace, the have no idea how I survived, it was an awful time. (I don't know it I have spelt amytriptyline correctly but my American Dictionary wants me to change it to pantyliner and I didn't take pantyliners) hmm grin

This is not something I would ever do alone. I have felt low but someone creaming in your face, well, I don;t know, I guess that was my final point with him.

We split soon after this. Onwards and upwards! smile

OverlyYappy Thu 28-Feb-13 10:17:30

My whole family would love me to date. I don't want to just now. I do get annoyed sometimes at people thinking everyone should have a partner or be married.

Why? I have my Dc have done the marriage thing, can I not have a rest now please?

Wallison Thu 28-Feb-13 10:17:58

Oh shadesofwhite so sorry to hear that but glad that you are out of harm's way now. You will cope with being a LP - it's tough, but not anywhere near as tough as someone trying to kill you; you've already been through far worse than anything life can throw at you as LP, and you're here, you've survived.

OverlyYappy Thu 28-Feb-13 10:23:09

shadesofwhite Do you have any idea how long you will be in the refuge? I have a good friend in one localish, I know her timescale for rehousing is 6 months now but she has made some good friends in the refuge too and the women who run our one are just lovely.

Well done on getting out of this relationship. smile

FWIW My eldest thanks me now and tells me he would have ran away by now. Youngest is till work in progress.

Hello, can I come in? Have been a LP since October, am 27 with a 22mo DS.

I'm ok and am currently going to counselling to talk through things. ExP was not abusive as such, but can be emotionally manipulative and make me feel like I'm going crazy!! Also having huge trust issues with him which I have to sort through for the sake of DS.

ExP had a new girlfriend 3 weeks after our split. I on the other hand cannot see myself having another serious relationship, at least not for a long time. People assure me I will but, from a purely non-emotional logical perspective I cannot see the benefit?! I'm so much better off on my own.

But time will tell I guess smile

Beckett3 Thu 28-Feb-13 10:51:38

Hi, I have been separated since January we were together 16 years, married for 8. I have 3 children DD1-14, DS-10 and DD2-6 and am almost 18 weeks pregnant with baby no.4 that stbexh asked me for. I'm 31.

I feel mostly relieved and free! Looking back he was emotionally abusive and quite frankly, a useless father, I've noticed that nothing has changed for the worse for me since he left except we're living in the country and I can't drive. I am now taking lessons though and until I pass there's ways round the rest.

My biggest problem is the way he's treating the chldren, he's seen them for maybe 10 hours total since he left over 4 weeks ago and he somehow manages to upset them or let them know they're not the most important things in his life every time he does see them.

Stbexh is dating someone awful and I'm not just saying that, if anyone has read my thread you will know why, but in short she's a stalker, intentionally ruined the children's first day spent with their father and continued bullying/upsetting my eldest via fb until my eldest had to block both her and stbexh on there. Because of all this I've told stbexh that the children are never to meet her and he thinks I'm overreacting.

I haven't had the luxury of sleeping alone yet, my son has nightmares every time he sleeps alone and if I even suggest it to my youngest she becomes hysterical and thinks I'm going to disappear overnight and obviously nothing I say can make her believe me.

OverlyYappy Thu 28-Feb-13 11:08:12

I just realise the OP gets her keys today, she must be delighted!

My eldest slept in with me for first year or so, now I usually have the youngest in with me, my parents take DC at weekends, this is when I went on my dating session.

My ex was dating with 3 days of us splitting. She was very jealous is him having 2 DC and did everything she could to stop him seeing them, he gave in.

Beckett I think I have read your thread, my STBXbastards g.friend goes everywhere with him, apparently he is miserable, she (up until I told her NO WAY) thought he could come back to us anytime.

I felt terrible making the decision to cut my boys off from their F, but was advised it was doing them more harm him coming in/out of their lives.

shadesofwhite Thu 28-Feb-13 11:21:28

Thanks OverlyYappy and Wallison

No doubt i made the right decision about LTB. He is threatening to sue me for full custody and my emotions are running high when the thought of seeing him comes to mind. Lots of awful flashbacks and all sad

Not so sure how long we'll be here for but I've heard from other mums in here that majority leave before 5 months are over. Its a nice refuge and I've made a good friend who's always looking out for me and DD.

I'm scared of raising DD alone but don't have a choice.

OverlyYappy Thu 28-Feb-13 11:45:16

Mine threatened this too. He asked for 6 hours with them via a Solicitor, I said 'no' after DS1 pleaded not to be on unsupervised visits, have yet to hear back from him.

It is frightening looking after DC alone, more for some than others, I felt like a single parent anyway but it is still difficult at times. I'm glad you have made some friends where you are and hopefully you will get your own home soon, in the meantime take all the help you can get, parenting classes etc. I am usually ok but when DC go to g.parents, I do feel very lost/alone.

12stonelighter50feettaller Thu 28-Feb-13 13:07:53

Sorry to hear from those of you having problems with abusive exes - I have heard really good things about the Freedom Program through my job, I work with women in crisis.

Hope Britta's move is going well. I need to move house as I can't afford to stay here on just my wages - it seems like a mammoth task at the moment but it will be great to have a fresh start eventually.

OverlyYappy my ex also started dating someone very soon after we split. She seems okay and the kids seem to like her, but I still find it hard, so I can't imagine what it is like to deal with a new partner being as horrid as your ex's sounds.

OverlyYappy Thu 28-Feb-13 15:03:07

Tbh we have no contact at all with them now, I was advised if I allowed my STBX see the DC a Child Protection Order would have to be sought, so I took legal action and he is not allowed near us, although there is nothing 'legal' in place such as an interdict as he hasn't since November broke the terms of my no contact letter, as soon as he does we get an interdict.

It's bliss having peace from them. They are very toxic together and both take drugs (my boys are terrified of them) so it would be awful dealing with visits.

We are generally a happy little unit now, my boys do push me to my limits at times, but they are generally very loving and never a night passes without 'I love you', but it is much better being just us, I cannot imagine bringing another man into the mix right now. Neither can they, so it's a no go area just now.

I could do a weekend dating thing, I guess, well one night a weekend and half a day, I like my me time. grin

shadesofwhite Thu 28-Feb-13 18:35:41

Hey Overly its great to finaly have peace of mind with your DC's smile . I would never let a drug user/abuser anywhere near my DD, honestly you can never trust them. Can't wait for the day my DD will say 'I love you mummy!' smile

TBH I do want to meet someone caring (nothing serious) just casual. I know its too soon but I already feel soo lonely and I feel like I need some attention grin lol Perhaps you could give me some tips on weekend dating? I sound silly don't I? grin

IneedAgoldenNickname Thu 28-Feb-13 18:57:37

I've decided I don't want or need a,man atm, so I've deleted my pof account grin
If I'm meant to meet someone I will! And they'll be hunky doctors wherever my placement is if when I go to uni in September won't there? Lol

shadesofwhite Thu 28-Feb-13 19:31:14

Go Golden ! Hunky doctors all the way smile Great idea.

I'm due to start Uni but it'll depend on few circumstances. It'll be great meeting a sole mate there! I'm very attracted to mature men so chances of meeting a responsible mature student would be sooo limited grin

shadesofwhite Thu 28-Feb-13 19:33:23

I'm due to do Biomedical Sciences if all goes well, so talk about meeting geeks like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory! Lol

IneedAgoldenNickname Thu 28-Feb-13 19:38:03

Sounds exciting shades I hope you sort whatever circumstances it is!

BrittaPerry Thu 28-Feb-13 21:30:15

My house is lovely grin

Some of you have had an awful time :-(.

Hopefully we are all at the start of new, exciting, happy lives :-)

IneedAgoldenNickname Thu 28-Feb-13 21:33:41

Glad you're house is lovely, hope you get settled/unpacked soon smile

Onwards and upwards hey ladies!

shadesofwhite Fri 01-Mar-13 00:27:59

Hi Britta

Nice to hear you've moved in smile
Have a happy New beginning. cant wait to get my own key soon

Yes to Onwards and Upwards! grin

BusyHomemaker Fri 01-Mar-13 07:08:27

Hi all, I know I'm a late comer but can I still join please?

I separated from my stbexh early in Feb. I've filed for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I'm 31 and I have a gorgeous and clever 16mo DD and yesterday discovered I'm pregnant. I have mixed feelings about this as no2 was conceived out of desperation rather than love. We've had to leave stbexh as he was abusive and it took me a while to recognise his behaviour as abusive as he also suffers with depression. He told me I needed to support him more so I exhausted myself trying and then it got to the point where I feared for our safety and we had to get out. I took the dog too and so glad I did as she used to tremble in his presence... gosh, sorry for the ramble!

I collect the keys to our new home today and so excited.

Reading through your posts makes me feel so sad that there are so many men out there getting it so wrong - you are all strong ladies smile

BrittaPerry Fri 01-Mar-13 10:12:28

So, today I catch a train to old yown, hand over kids to ex ils for a few days, stay overnight at my old house x is at his parents house with the kids, then my dad will pick me up in a van and take me and my stuff to my new house 200 miles away. X is moving to new town in two weeks. I will go back and pick the kids up on Tuesday, giving me two full days of atranging furniture etc so the kids come back to a house all ready for them.

Here goes...

shadesofwhite Fri 01-Mar-13 10:19:02

Welcome Busy ,

Glad to hear you got out of the situation sooner than later.

I took the dog too and so glad I did as she used to tremble in his presence... grin
It must have been horrifying for your 16mnths old DD too.

Have you had a chat with your GP about your 2nd ? if not, it may be worth it so can decide fully what you want.

Unfortunately there are so many men out there who are charming but underneath are abusers. If only they come with an 'abuser' tattooed on their heads, we wouldn't be in this horrendous situations.

shadesofwhite Fri 01-Mar-13 10:23:32

Britta what a busy day ahead of you! All the best with the loading, Offloading and unpacking. Without the kids around it should lighten the work load.


OverlyYappy Fri 01-Mar-13 11:07:30

So exciting seeing people getting their keys, we moved in October, my house feels a bit big tbh! Its 3 bedroom and there are 3 of us, so it makes sense, my last house was cosier, even though this houses heating is better, (Eco friendly everything) it just needs to be lived in a bit more, it's a new build, maybe that's the problem.

It doesn't feel like home (to me) yet, the Dc have settled in fine and love having a bedroom each even though they do still share sometimes.

Although it's not nice seeing so many have been in abusive relationships it's great to see how your DC are quite young so will benefit from having one loving parent rather than living an abusive parent.

I am not sure what I would do if I was pregnant, talk to family, do you have a good support system? My DS2 was very much not wanted by his F, he still does random things like calls my DS1's school, never DS2 though. One part of me would be saying no as it's another tie to my ex, another part of me would most likely want to keep a baby it will also be very hard work having a toddler but it's do-able! (I was still with STBXH when DS2 was born but had zero help)

You are not advised to date in the first year of leaving such a relationship 'they say' I dated about a month after, I wanted a hug and someone to watch TV with, it didn't work out like that though, dating sites are bizarre, you can meet a guy in a week and be dating, I had quite a few dates, I go on dating sites now and it looks like mug-shots from Crimewatch floating across the screen.

My dog is a lot happier now too, she used to tremble she is more relaxed now. Dc are staying home this weekend, a sleepover with friends...

12stonelighter50feettaller Fri 01-Mar-13 12:19:20

Exciting times for you britta, best of luck this weekend, I bet you feel like you are going "home".

Welcome busy, I hope today goes well getting your new keys. Sounds like you have made the right move. I second talking to your GP about what you want to do about your situation as well. Have you looked into accessing any free or paid counselling too? May be worth talking things through with someone, as you must have so much on your mind.

It is horrid hearing about so many going through so much, you are all amazing smile.

On a much lighter, more unimportant note, I have decided to bite the bullet and book on the single parents holiday in August. Why do I feel so weird about going on holiday with a load of strangers and driving to Cornwall on my own? hmm. I am a big girl now and just need to woman up and get on with this sort of thing.

shadesofwhite Fri 01-Mar-13 14:32:02

Well well, today is a hugely stressing day for me. Been making calls to Solicitors trying to get legal aid for divorce/judicial separation I don't know what I want but none is taking up anymore clients. Apparently legal for Divorce is ending in 4weeks time and I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure to do it now. I need spouse maintenance and child maintenance. STBXH is on 1000 plus per week therefore going through the CSA will be a 'waste' of time.

What do I do? He says he's taking me down for full custody, unlikely that he'll get it but having to go through the process of fighting him from court to court is nerve wrecking. sad . I'm so stressed up, honestly.

IneedAgoldenNickname Fri 01-Mar-13 18:02:16

12stone fab news a about the holiday! I'm tempted to book one, but they are so expensive compared to holidays I normally have, plus I don't drive so getting there would be hard!

shades I don't have any advice, having never been divorced, but hope out all goes smoothly remember we are always here for UN mumsnetty virtual hugs and wine and thanks

glitch Fri 01-Mar-13 19:42:51

12 stone, well done on booking your hol. My way of looking at it is that if they are all weirdos
then we can always go off and do our own thing and if not then even better.
I am doing the Welsh holiday. Thought that if we cope with that one perhaps we may try one abroad at some point!

BusyHomemaker Sat 02-Mar-13 07:19:30

Such a supportive thread smile

shades I'm shocked at the response you're received from solicitors. Once the rules re change DV cases will still be eligible for legal aid in both divorce and family matters.Perhaps speak to CAB and ask if they can recommend someone. As for your partner, he will have to pay for supervised contact via a contact centre.Also you don't have to have any contact with him if you don't want to.

I'm warming to the idea of having another baby and providing DD with a whole sibling. I'm just devastated to be doing it alone. The man I'm divorcing is not the man I married and that's so hard to get my head around. Although I've felt like a single parent for a while now.

It's fab that some of us are moving into our new homes... exciting times!

BusyHomemaker Sat 02-Mar-13 07:47:32

*apply not pay!

doinmybest Sat 02-Mar-13 10:26:52

The man I'm divorcing is not the man I married and that's so hard to get my head around
thats exactly how I feel and I told him so in a string of drunken texts last night blush my last one was on the lines of I dont know why Im telling you all this because I know you don't give a sh*t but guess what its not all about you anymore.
I thought I would wake up this morning mortified but I actually feel quite liberated. When he picked ds up this morning I actually opened the door wide and looked him in the eye, something I haven't done since he left. He chose to leave He moved straight in with OW He says if he wants to see the kids He decided how much (little) he's contributing financially so this was all about ME and I feel fantastic - apart from the hangover wink

OverlyYappy Sat 02-Mar-13 11:02:20

My ex paid nothing and avoids working so he has too, in some ways it was easier having a little bit of contact as I knew when he worked, now I have no idea so look forward to out £12 per fortnight, that £5 each + DC £2 arrears..usually ends a Takeaway for 3 of us.

My Divorce was taking forever, I applied last year, through Legal Aid, they said I would pay £885, I said he could divorce me then (bad move but he left me in £9,000.00 debt) I fully expected my papers soon after that as is 'engaged' hmm I spoke to my Lawyer in January and asked her what was happening, she spoke to his Lawyer and he hasn't been in contact again.

It's a bit out there asking him on Facebook via a Status so it is not direct contact. grin

Shades please try not to worry (easier said than done), you ex has almost 0 chance of getting your DC, mine went down this route I was terrified, asking for advice all over Mn under various names, when it came down to it, he will not fight me in Court, I never thought I would see the day when I said 'I wish he would so something legal is in place for my DC.

I have no idea what I would do if I were pregnant, talk to as many people as you can, there have been some amazing women on here who have done it alone and seem fine.

My DC are going for a week with my parents in July, they have done this each year since I was single, I usually sleep a lot or in the first year I was dating a lot I would love to take them away, I am thinking of saving and taking them to my Relatives which is a big long scary drive to Leeds.

It feels good to tell them exactly whats on your mind. I used to love it. I didn't ever do it until last year when STBXH g.friend was texting me as she was afraid we would get back together, I told him that would neverhappen and I detested him, then he took me to court for DC, I said no and that was the end of it. Well until we moved and he started getting all panicky and looking for us.

Poor man has lost his control. I was lost the first year of being alone, I was controlled for 16 years, I went a bit wild when alone, it was all good fun though. hmm I think back and think WTF was I thinking/doing. Thankfully I seem to have calmed down to staying in again. My self esteem is very low so keeps me from dating etc. (thankfully) I think I was looking for an immediate replacement or something. Or because he had a g.friend I was someone/anyone. Not a good idea. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

glitternanny Sat 02-Mar-13 18:39:54

What's the freedom programme?

shadesofwhite Sat 02-Mar-13 18:57:11

Hi busy , thanks for suggesting seeking advice from the CAB. Happy to know that DV cases will still be considered for legal aid! Though I doubt very much is H will agree to have supervised contact.

Great idea to have give your DD a sibling! Being a single parent isn't very easy but I'm sure you can do it as we all are smile How are you planning to go about it if you don't mind me being alittle nosy? wink

Happy for you All booking holidays and treating yourselves to new experiences! I can't wait to settle down and book myself and DD one, with or without weirdos grin .

shadesofwhite Sat 02-Mar-13 19:08:13

Hi Glitter ,

Its a program that enlightens us about Male violence to women and Children. Browse the Freedom Program page and read more.
You can even sign up online (how very flexible!) smile

12stonelighter50feettaller Sat 02-Mar-13 20:12:40

glitch I was just about to press the 'book' button yesterday and it suddenly dawned on me that it will be ds's birthday whilst we are away, so pretty sure we can't go as I don't think xp will be too happy about us being away for his birthday and not seeing him. I have emailed and asked him what he thinks, but I am 100% sure xp won't want to not see ds on his birthday. Don't blame him really. Can't afford any of their other holidays so looks like we will be holidaying alone sad .

shadesofwhite Sat 02-Mar-13 20:49:11

* I have emailed and asked him what he thinks, but I am 100% sure xp won't want to not see ds on his birthday. Don't blame him really.* shock Why would he not, Oh sorry to your DS. Has he always ignored your DC's birthdays?

EternalRose Sat 02-Mar-13 21:54:35

Hope you dont mind me joining, I will soon be a 'proper' single mum. I have dumped his ass but we still live under the same roof until I save some money for my relocation costs.

shadesofwhite Sat 02-Mar-13 22:41:17

Welcome Rose . I do hope you'll be able to relocate and find freedom soom. Its one of the biggest decision in ones life but if you have no choice then let it be.

Aaaand wow! How do you find living with your XDP? Do you have DC's together? I honestly don't think I can ever do that. My STBXH was living with his XGF before dating me and they were driving each other nuts. Not sure who was on the wrong but I felt it for the poor DC. It was due to disputes over the mortgage. STBXH was evicted in the end. this is the hardest truth I learnt about his past later in our marriage, and I realized that's the reason why he wouldn't put my name on the new mortgage we got together Now I'm destitute with my DD after running away from DV. Learnt my lesson.

Goodluck though. brew for you.

EternalRose Sat 02-Mar-13 22:53:24

We have one child together, she is 3 next month. This thread explains my entire situation.

At the moment, I am finding the whole living with him thing absolutely abhorrent.

shadesofwhite, I want you to know that I think you so inspiring to take the leap of faith and get away from your STBXH, and I really admire your strength. Keep your head held high.

FWIW, before this ex I was also in a realtionship with an abuser who was stil lliving with his ex while he got himself sorted out. He turned out to be violent as well.

It's very depressing to think at 26 years old I have only ever lived with physically and emotional abusers (and that includes my childhood). What worries me the most now is that I have never ever been happy, wouldn't know happiness if it slapped me in the face and therefore, i feel the process of self discovery will most likely be painful for me.

shadesofwhite Sun 03-Mar-13 01:11:36

Poor you Rose , there are better days ahead.

It took me so long to leave a total abuser. Dated him, he hit me, we broke up, got back 2gether, married, honeymoon, fell pregnant, brutal physical abuse among others, ran away, was lured back to his arms, more brutal abuse (by this time my self esteem was dead and psychological problems kicked in). Police involved, SS, and finally here I am, I've left him this time for good.
Rewinding back, had an abusive BF, my mum died when I was 10, was raised by a step mum who would beat the hell out of me for no reason, let me go for days without food. I wanted to die and I'd self harm and I tried a couple of times to get a car to run me over.

Fast Foward..I've been abused all my life. I feel the same way you feel, What worries me the most now is that I have never ever been happy, wouldn't know happiness if it slapped me in the face and therefore, i feel the process of self discovery will most likely be painful for me.

You are not alone, I'm younger than you and I've faced the worst, being on the edge.

Have you tried some Counselling to help with your self esteem? I am. And I want answers I know its impossible but mostly, I want to get to the root of 'why me?' Second, I want to avoid anymore abusive relationships in the future, I want my DD to be proud of her mummy for providing the best care even if I'm struggling with deep issues that are beyond human control.

Posting on Mnet has lifted up my life and enlightened me a lot.

Here thanks , and brew , there is a solution to everything, I want to believe so keep strong.

12stonelighter50feettaller Sun 03-Mar-13 07:37:44

Welcome rose I have read your thread, sorry what you are going through sounds so.tough. I lived with xp for a couple of months after we split, it was hard work for all involved sad .

I probably wasn't very clear with my double negative, but what I meant in my last post was that xp will definitely want to see ds on his birthday. He is a good dad. smile

BusyHomemaker Sun 03-Mar-13 09:35:29

best I'm loving your new sense of empowerment

happy I'm sorry your divorce has taken so long. I'm hoping for a quick clean break but I think the reality is often different for most.

Hi Rose I'm sorry you're had such an awful experience and I really hope you can move into the next phase of your life soon. At least you now have some time to plan.

shades I just want to give you a big hug!

It's great that some of you have holidays to look forward to. I had a look at singlewithkids... Will keep it mind for the future!

I'm coming round to the idea of a second baby, it was what I wanted before I gained clarity about my marriage. DD would benefit from a sibling and I've felt like a single parent for the best part of a year! I think I'm just going to take it one step at a time, try not to look too far into the future and just enjoy now. Also, I'll graciously accept any offers of help from family and friends!

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 03-Mar-13 15:54:23

Oh shades sad I just want to hug you! Your dd has got an amazingly strong Mum, and she'll never be able to be anything but proud of you x

glitternanny Tue 05-Mar-13 07:20:20

I'm struggling today sad ex has changed jobs so his shift pattern now means he works for 4 and gets 4 off so he'll see our boy a lot more. Which is great for him but so hard for me.
Just trying to start thinking how to make this fair sad
Oh and his wages drop so he will pay less maintenance.

bluebeardsbabe Tue 05-Mar-13 09:47:58

Hello. joining in here. Been on MN for a bit but just changed my name. On my own with 4 month old dd and just found out a few days ago that exp just got engaged to ow. Not doing well at all. Been on my own through pregnancy and still filled with a lot of anger and sadness so nice to find a thread for a bit of support.

On the brightside I have a beautiful daughter and a supportive network in real life but there are only so many times you can tell them how let down and hurt yoy feel. lol you'll all get sick of me too.

Be nice to read about all the strong women on here who have moved onwards and upwards smile can't even imagine dating at the mo or that I would even be of interest to anyone with a small baby!!

Piemother Wed 06-Mar-13 22:01:08

I need to unload. Not only does ex stalk me on here he is now doing it in a dating site. I am fuming. He messaged me and everything.
What makes me v sad is that he introduced dd1 to his gf and I thought he had handled it quite well as she seemed to enjoy meeting her and her dd (he has crowed about this on here). I assume since he's back on the dating site that the relationship has ended and that dd will never see these people again. I am sad for dd and so so fucking annoyed with exh. Who will be getting a big bollocking face to face.

12stonelighter50feettaller Fri 08-Mar-13 10:20:04

Hi all, shock piemother, I too would be fuming. He's just desperate to keep some control, isn't he? Has he had his bollocking yet?

Welcome bluebeard.

glitternanny my ex has started having the kids more from last month. I do miss them, but feel a lot more rested and able to deal with parenting alone when I do have them.

Ds is struggling with everything at the moment, I wish I could do something to take his pain away, it is horrible watching him grieve his daddy not living with us. He keeps saying he loves me but loves his Daddy more, which hurts me so much as well. He doesn't want to spend Mothers Day with me, wants it to be "Daddy's Day" instead, and even said that he wants me to spend it alone sad. The logical part of my brain keeps telling me that he doesn't mean it, he is just dealing with lots of anger and sadness by lashing out at someone safe, but it is like a body blow every time he says something like that. He is the only male in the world who can break my heart into little pieces sad.

IneedAgoldenNickname Fri 08-Mar-13 18:53:08

How is everyone? I can't believe your exes stalk you on here! Mind you mine might, I don't know!

Just thought I'd share my news, I got offered an invite at the uni I really really want grin I'm so excited, although more than a little terrified!

Mum2Fergus Sun 10-Mar-13 19:05:21

Can I join? Ex left us today hmm

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 10-Mar-13 19:59:38

Welcome to the club Mum hope you're ok, and we're here if you wanna talk about anything. Xxx

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