Single parent successes!(73 Posts)
I have just parked outside my house in a space so small I had to stop myself taking a photo as evidence. When I was married I couldn't park for toffee. Mostly because exh did it for me. Now I can reverse park like a boss!
What can you do as a lp that you thought you couldn't?
Like it pie. Good for you. Mine is sorting out my pension which I finally did last year.
Who needs a man?
hmm, I know there's a few. I'll have a think!
I have taken the dc on camping hols and retrained as a teacher
still crap at parking though
This year I had Xmas day with just me and DD, and it was fab. I have had a fear of spending such a big day alone, being too boring but the whole 2 weeks over Xmas has been such a lovely time for both of us. We have argued loads but overall I think I've realised that lil' old me is enough for DD. And i can do this without anyone's help whatsoever
which is lucky seeing as no one actually does help out And I'm bloody brilliant at parking too 16 years of on street parking with not enough space to go round means I got that nailed too.
Well done pie there's never any fucker about to appreciate awesome parking
Mine is renovate a whole house (in a ripping out the interior and starting again with practically everything) by both project managing the trades and doing an awful lot myself.
I do however still have trouble opening some jam jars though (hands not big enough)...
One day when I thought I was coping remarkably well, I came across a jar I couldn't open. Ex always undid the new jars. I googled, solved the problem and have never looked back . MavisGrind have a google, there are many different solutions and it's very empowering.
Imagine being such a useless tw*t as to only be missed for your ability to open jars...
I'm also pretty hot with the electric drill which I never liked to touch before.
oh yeah buncha, I did the xmas just me and dc thing too this year for the first time, it was great!
one of my proudest was fixing my washing machine via google
Oooh ninah, I've google fixed the washing machine too. Not something ex would ever have done, he'd've looked at it, pushed it, tutted and said it could only possibly be fixed by an engineer. I probably would have taken his word for it because he would have tried to make it sound like he actually knew something about washing machines...
I totally forgot I repaired my vacuum cleaner the other day. Ex would have broken it more
Love all these! I have lots of anger and resentment but I think I need to remind must much more often that I am strong! Figuratively and literally
Sorted out the internet connection when it went down for some strange reason (that actually involved lots of turning things off and on, and pulling out/ pushing back in bits at the back - very untechnical, but it worked!!!!) .... changed the tiny lightbulbs in the oven, put together some of the flatpack furntiture I got singlehandedly (including a massive wardrobe and double bed!!), fixed a bit of the vacuum cleaner when it broke....little things I guess, but satisfying
Where do I start? I packed a 4 bedroom house in Australia and moved to the UK with my 3 kids, booked all the flights myself as well, set up household bills, bank accounts, organised schools for the kids, did all the benefits paperwork, I did a whole proper Xmas with the kids which even involved lugging a 6ft Xmas tree home on the bus as I don't drive, I bought a fridge and washing machine, I hooked up a TV player to a media player/hard drive DVD recorder, set up my PC including internet (EX was the IT Guru in our household), put together a flat packed dining table and chairs, changed light bulbs, taken the kids on numerous days out....and all this from a woman who was so overwhelmed with anxiety for the last 3 years that I barely left the house. Didn't go to movies, or out to dinner with friends, never got on a bus, too scared to ring and order a pizza even! Look at me now! Wheeeeee!! I feel like the one thing I forgot to pack when we moved was my anxiety..and it's back in Australia.
I fitted a loft ladder all on my own - that was so satisfying. It felt like a proper triumph.
I bought a car, haggled and everything!
Sorted the electrics out when the lights kept fusing.
Went on a camping holiday twice, loaded and unloaded the campervan with the tent, all the equipment and surfboards - it all went in first time and on the way home. It had never done that with xh and apparently was all my fault!!
And a parking one! I reverse parked the campervan into a tight space at the end of a very small car park in a very busy part of Newquay with several young surfers looking on. Without even thinking about it.
mavis - put a knife under the edge of the lid and lift to break the seal. Never fails!
That is just brilliant superglumfairy. I I think you need a name change to super fairy!
Superglum that's amazing you rock!
Tiny lightbulbs in the oven you say....that's my next challenge
I let exh do all the finances because I thought I was rubbish with money. Au contraire! I know exactly what's going on with my money and the dcs and I live well on a reduced income and actually I now think maybe he wasn't so good after all.
Lots of people say things in a well meant way to me like 'oh it must be so hard on your own with the dc - I don't know how you do it - I couldn't do it!' And I privately think 'man up!!'
Lookingatclaus - Yes I had been thinking I needed a name change here as SuperGlum I am not anymore, was when I first joined here though, thought my life was over only to find it was just beginning. Tomorrow is 12 months to the day he left, it's been a shite year..but I am still here and stronger than ever before, and have the love and company of my kids...what else do I need? Not another man that's for sure. So inspired reading everyone's successes here though.
Learning to drive is on my list to do..so I shall have a parking story too in the future I hope ;)
I also haggled and bought a car. Car salesman made some sexist comment about a woman buying a car on her own so I told him exh took the car and I didn't have a choice. So he told me his life story all about his recent divorce etc etc and then took more money off and did the service/mot for free. Ha
I know that feeling of having so much anxiety you can't do anything. Then realising how much better you are than the men that left, at most things! My ex was "in charge" of finances and was beyond terrible at it, very entitled - spending made no difference if we didn't have enough money to cover the cost. He left with so much personal credit card debt. I live on pennies and am so much better off, and he had a great salary. It makes me laugh as I wasn't allowed a look in during our marriage. I can set up the IT things fairly easily and never did that before, and it somehow doesn't take billions of hours and wires to get sorted (ex works with IT too). All in all, am getting more confident at making decisions and doing things. 2013 is going to be a good year!
For me it is a lottle thing of going up into thr loft, i have a real fear of going up there and ex dp always used to do it but before christmas i did it myself!!!
Lol at the tiny lightbulbs challenge! The hardest part was getting the little plastic cover off!! I know it's tiny things, but I was always one of those people who'd wave my hands in the air unable to cope if the slightest thing went wrong! I feel really proud now at managing to do every single thing without batting an eyelid!! Superglumfairy, what a lovely story, hope your anxiety stays on the other side of the world
God the list is too long to mention. I was so horribly controlled and abused by my Ex that I didn't think I could do 'anything'. Now I work, run a house, buy cars, book holidays, have a social life and dance to county and western music in my living room
Respect Superglum, and what a great thread!
I was always happy to do all the practical and financial stuff, but had a bit of a phobia about driving and felt really anxious about having to reverse park in our busy street. Now the DC do this face as I congratulate myself yet again for squeezing into the tightest spots without hesitation! I've also driven from London all the way to NE Scotland and back a couple of times with just the kids in tow - was scared sh*tless the first time, but it felt great to no longer be limiting myself by thinking I couldn't do something without ExH.
DD's dad has never been around so here's my list!
Bought, renovated & decorated my own house (I can tile, paint, lay wood floors & omg I'm the flat pack queen!)
Have also dug up the garden and laid a mini patio and paths. I googled how to bleed rads and top up the water pressure in the central heating a few weeks ago (thanks YouTube) and did that meself (was afraid of having to pay
couldn't afford it £50 to a plumber)
Self suffiency is such a good feeling...
Sufficiency - apologies for appalling spelling
Hurrah for all these posts
The driving thing is a big one. Ex felt entitled to constantly criticise my driving and was my self appointed but v unwanted driving coach shudders. Mind you I was well aware the purpose of this was to make me a nervous driver but I digress....I have to drive fleet cars at work all the time now which although initially quite scary it's really toughened me up. I can drive anything with no anxiety now. But if you ever see someone sitting in a car staring at the gear stick its me trying to remember in the 3rd car if the week how to put it in reverse
sorted out my central heating by replacing parts from ebay!
Wow superglum! what a brilliant thread
A year after my ex us left I hired a big 4X4 and an apartment on the west coast of the US, flew in to san francisco with my 2 DC and took them skiing in one of the steepest resorts in the US. We had a few hairy moments, the worst was driving for 3 hours up to the doner pass in a white out, but it proved to me I could do everything we had done as a family on my own with the DC. Ex was
Last year I bought a 9 metre motorhome to do festivals along with my new DP and my now teenage DC. Have driven it all over the UK and up to scotland and back on a climbing trip with just DS2. Can usually park it
- refilling the screen wash in the car.
-going in the loft.
-knowing where the stop-cock, gas shut off valve and fuse box is, and a vague idea how to operate them.
-painting a wall.
-driving the dc's to Cornwall all on my own.
I know there's a few more. I will come back when they come to mind!
I've got a lump in my throat reading all these, you're all so inspiring! Mine are all small things atm, like riding my bike with ds on the back, getting things in and out of the loft, and carrying a weeks worth of shopping home and carrying it up to my flat with a screaming ds. I also put up my first picture today!
PleaseLetsGoToSleep - a victory is a victory no matter the size. Every one counts towards the battle ;) Well done you!
Today I made my twins birthday as special as I could, they had a fab day, loved all their presents even if there were quite a few less than usual and then we went to the pub for dinner. Best part was it was all ME that put those smiles on their faces and it was ME that got all the hugs, kisses, thanks and the privilege of watching it all.
Their Dad did send birthday cards, but kids refused to open them as they didn't want to spoil the day (they actually returned the Xmas cards back to him in the post!!)
Please - your achievements are not small!!!
I think we surprise ourselves all the time. I'm still impressed I can get two dc ready in the morning, fed, equipped with the correct kit, arrive somewhere on time with me looking presentable with hair and make up done . Dc2 is a weeks old baby!
Exh would have it that I'm dizzy and disorganised and incapable of order. I was capable then and I'm bloody brilliant now
Glad I started this thread it's ace
How on earth did you all manage these amazing accomplishments without the aid of a male?
Would you be more capable by being in a relationship with a man?
This is just another self-congratulatory thread.
Don't be so mardy Hilary. I bet most of us managed it in between holding down a job, on very little sleep and with screaming children under our feet. No one is there to do jobs with at the end of the day or at weekends or look after the kids while we do it, it's all on our 'to do' lists.
My son now claps and cheers when I do good parking <well trained audience>
I stuck bathroom tiles on the other day
Replumbed my dishwasher (had to do some creative plumbing with wrong sized waste pipes)
Moved house (that was a biggie for me)
And too bloody right we deserve a self congratulating thread. It's in lone parents ffs. It's Fucking hard raising two kids, working and doing the house alone. With no help, no money and no one to talk to. So excuse me if I pat myself on the back for once.
Yep I am congratulating myself and all the other lovely ladies on here.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being pleased with yourself for achieving things that you thought you may not be able to do or facing your fears.
You lose confidence when you have lived with someone who constantly undermines you, criticises you, questions what you are doing and why or gaslights.
I love this thread. It really isn't easy being on your own. And I never really found it was the practical stuff as much as just knowing that you were responsible for everything, in my case that was being the sole provider financially, emotionally and practically.
So no matter how big or small your achievement, well done ladies. We rock.
Hilary. Yes quite, none of our achievements are impossible without a man and absolutely there is nothing only a man can do. This thread is about confidence and initiative however
Hilary you have not got the point of the thread at all. Many if not most of us have been in relationships where we have been ground down, put down, been treated like crap, had our confidence totally eroded, emotionally or physically abused and as a result one way or another relief on our exs to do a lot even of it was putting up flat packed furniture which by the way I still cannot do as instructions totally confuse me, which funnily enough my useless at everything else ex was brilliant at.
So if we want to pat ourselves on the back we will. Perhaps you are secretly envious, because you cannot do many things on our list yourself...
As for me, you try my life, bringing up four dc on your own after my ex (father to youngest two) has now disappeared. He was mentally and physically abusive, stole from me, pinned me up against a wall when I was pregnant, was horrible to the kids, destroyed my stuff and my doors, made me lose my job.
I am having horrendous problems with my 13 year old ds who has ADHD and poss asd, I have very little family and friend support, and I'm just knackered and depressed.
But I'm surviving. I've found the confidence to go back to college. I can do minor repairs to my house, I'm learning to manage my money by myself as abusive ex deliberately kept me short and told me constantly that I couldn't be trusted with money because I was a woman. I drive a car which I sort out myself.
So forgive me for feeling pleased with myself yeah?
With me it's not so much that I did some things without a man as I used to do a lot for myself when I was married, ie sorting out my car, DIY etc
It's the fact that I'm doing things without the comfort zone of being in a relationship so basically the buck stops with me. I think if you're in a relationship then making decision is easier, also it's easier just going on holiday if you're not the only adult etc.
So well done to everyone for doing things totally on your own. And ignore people who think it's easy whilst in the comfort of a relationship.
Taking the children on holiday alone in the UK and abroad, driving greater distances (never been a confident driver), buying my own car, choosing furniture that I like and moving into a home I liked. x
Did an MA
Did a PhD
Bought a house, worked FT & brought up 2 special needs (mild) kids...1@uni, 1@sixth form currently
Found contentment ;0)
Oh also for me I am also doing an open univeristy course and like teahouse am raising a child with special needs.
And another one for me is I really really hate motorways and have only driven tem with another adult in the car with me but today I did 2 motorways both ways myself with just dd in the car with me.
Its only a tiny thing but huge for me and I am pleased Ive done it cause as done it once will have confidence to do it again when necessary.
It's not a tiny thing that's huge well done you! I remember my first motor way drives well and thinking I would be killed any second.
Today; changed fuse, changed plug (and it only took 10 mins instead of the hour the first one took) filled screen wash on car. Fixed wonky curtain rail.
In last 3 months= Packed up house, Moved country, changed kids schools, had 3 interviews registered with 2 job agencies, found house set up all utilities,moved, Put up shelves, desk, beds, moved wardrobe upstairs with next door neighbour.( that was tough) bought car and haggled with mechanic AND took it back and got them to fix dodgy window when it broke!
Have commandered STBX's 2nd tool box and am thinking of asking for it in the settlement!
Just remind me why I needed him AT ALL!! WE ARE ALL AMAZING!
Well done everyone and thank you piemother, have been driving for years but as I say motorways have always had another adult in the car cause of my confidence!!!Yesterday did feel good. Think it helped as it was a weekend though as one of the motorways was the m25 which as im sure you probably know is a nightmare during the week!!!Lol
Actually I didnt get Hilarys post but sensed it was nasty
Well I love those little moments when I do something like fiddle around with the hoover and sort it out. Conversely when something goes wrong its the only time I "miss" xh .
unblocked the toilet
changed a fuse in a plug
mown the lawn
driven to Cornwall
become competent on the PC
Also just had Christmas alone with DC and was worried they would be bored but we had a lovely couple of days
this is a brilliant thread
clip, clop anyone???
i put up a toilet roll holder the other day, i was inordinately pleased with myself
ps have also plumbed in a washer, flew up to scotland for my sister's wedding with dd - my cousin, who is married with 2.4 kids, said i must've been so brave doing that by myself - i just looked at her
With the help of MN I managed I get an overflowing drain fixed.
I can replace light bulbs & tube lights
Am getting a driving license soon ex wouldn't allow me to learn.
Can bleed radiators without a radiator key
fuzzy - how do you bleed radiators without a key? never thought about doing that!
My radiators weren't properly heating up, so I had to bleed them (inevitably the radiator keys were one of the things twatface left with).
My radiators on the side that you bleed them fit a flat head screw driver, so I can bleed the radiator like that, or you can use a wrench.
Just remember when you tighten the valve, don't over tighten.
It's very straightforward.
i don't think mine do - i think it's radiator key job thanks tho
First time posting, but i had to say how much i love this thread! Its empowering and uplifting to read these stories. I think as a single mum of 5 i've had to practically do most things myself, even when i was married. Makes you think,why the hell did i even bother with a man? I think the most liberating thing i've done was to go back to africa and take my 3 children back home whilst being heavily pregnant. I don't know where the strength came from, but it was a life and death need to have my children safely with me or i couldn't exist. Thank God for the strength, cuz many a times i was exhausted, tired and terrified. I've always been pretty organised and can manage finances well, so that was easy to get things set up. I'm now working on getting a business up and running, so that i can get off benefits and become independent and financially stable by the end of this year. 'The possibilities are endless' we just have to know and believe we can do it and just go for it!
Flipping fantastic - all of us! Salutes Piemother for starting the thread & her awesome parking.
I've learnt how to deal with spiders - almost my biggest achievement as I am bloody terrified of the buggers
Gone on lots of holidays just me & the DCs
Somehow managed to work full time & be a parent
Changed some kind of pump thing in the car - don't know the name of it, but managed to change it
Gone to parent events all by myself - again another huge achievement for me, as I hate that kind of thing & it is hard walking in by yourself.
These are fab!
Things I'm proud I've done since becoming single:
- toilet trained my DS who has autism
- battled with the LEA to get him statemented so he is supported in school
- taken him abroad on my own to Disneyland Paris, and Tunisia in Africa
- decorated a full house top to bottom
- built lots of furniture
- moved house twice
- rewired wall sockets and wired up ceiling light thingies
When I look back on how depressed and anxious I was living with ex, and how much more laid back and confident I am now it shows I made the right choice.
Amazing new posts welcome! Big hugs and high fives too.
Aside from all the EA shite I had to get over and recognise, no longer having the luxury of being complacent has (I hope) been the making if me as a competent, responsible adult let alone a parent.
I've definitely realised ex wasn't as good with money as either he made out or I wanted to believe. Even with the financial abuse he's inflicting now I have no need to panic about paying bills/rent etc. I have to be creative with money for other stuff but I know what's what with our money and short of being made redundant (that is really my only fear) I can provide for my dc more or less the life I want to give them.
Another big one is getting through life and everywhere on time without it being massively stressful. It should be easier with two adults not harder! It wasn't. It took a while for me to organise myself but we are all over it now
Ok I have been a LP since 09 and since then I have....
-took dd on a couple of UK trips
-got a job
-raising dd totally alone as ex is not hands on
-made new friends
-started voluntary work to improve job prospects
-put up flatpack furniture
- become comfortable in my own skin
We are all brilliant and doing a fab job!! Being an LP is awesome!!!
Changed the element in my oven
Changed the fuse in my extractor fan
Bled radiators and sorted out the pressure from the boiler
Grouted by bathroom tiles
Put a blind up in the bedroom
Been on lovely little holidays
And done a brilliant job of raising my two amazing girls )))
daisypops i think thats the best success. knowing that you're completely responsible for bringing up amazing dc's without the help of the other half
The driving thing is big with me too.
Even though I had passed my test ex-DH always drove (my company cars and then cars that were mine in name). Because they were fancy he made me feel that the risk was too big for me to crash it. For a while we had a v old Micra alongside which for about 6 weeks I grew confident to drive then he said we had to sell it. So now:
-I have bought a car (negotiated and all)
-Have not been overdrawn since we split 4.5 years ago (we were always -massively o'drawn when he looked after the finances) even on v. tight budget
-keep garden tidy (mowing grass)
-go in the loft
-travelled long haul on my own with 2 dc when they were smaller
Generally though it is just a feeling of freedom.
finding my own workmen, discussing the finer details of 'pointing' the house with the builder and understanding what was about to happen and why (thanks to internet, knew what I was vaguely expecting!); regularly unblocking the back drain (think it probably needs doing professionally but until it refuses to unblock totally, I'll keep on doing it!); dealing with the car including finding my own, very reliable and very reasonable mechanic, topping up screen wash, checking oil levels, pumping up tyres; driving all over the place and parking (although still don't like that!)...now if one of you lovely ladies could tell me how to remove the light bulbs in the bathroom, we would no longer have to pee in the dark (moved in 3 years ago, 5 lights which have blown one by one, the last one a couple of weeks ago)! I just can't get them out and I am loathe to pay someone to change my lightbulbs!
Another one with a driving success. When I was with stbxh I didn't drive - I had been living in London for 10 years before so had got out of practice. So, stbxh drove everywhere. He used to stop the car and threaten to walk out if we were arguing as he knew it put him in a position of power as I would panic about having to drive with the kids in the back. He did it on the M25 once
Split with him in September and since then have bought a new car (with help from my lovely parents) and drove from London to Scotland with the kids for Christmas (550 miles!). I also use the car every day on the horrible roads around here - am very proud of myself!
I'm getting on well with workmen actually (had 3 in the last2 days in the house). Ex used to insist on boring them senseless and getting in their way god it was painful. If they are that way inclined I leave them in piece but if they are chatty their favourite topics are their kids and parenting its been quite informative having things installed/mended.
Mumandboys are the lights by any chance the flat set halogen bulbs? If so you can buy a special sucker to turn them. I discovered this after 18 mo of shredding the bulb with pliers
Also the halogen bulbs cost 12.5p an hour each to run so its worth switching to led. If you search amazon you can find a whole bunch ranging from £10 (the price in shops) to 90 p. the led bulbs use so little electric you can run ten and not notice!
In response to the thread title I have
-winkled the confidence life sucking leech out of my life
- celebrated my first Christmas as mum
- helped my daughter find her feet and start to walk
- got in touch with friends he had pushed away
- got control of my body back and stopped over eating
- created a baby safe home that she can be free range in with a dream come true bedroom
- found the deep dark place where I had buried my smile, got it out, shook it off and started showing it off again
pignut - how did you know! thank you! I shall order one of those sucking things now and hopefully we'll be peeing with the lights on in a few days! woo hoo! will also look at the halogen/LED thing as no point in spending more than I have to. thank you!
Well in truth it quite embarrassing but I've been through the labour ward and no longer have any dignity! After 18 mo of covering my kitchen in broken glass while shredding the bulbs to pieces. I moved house and found one in the back of the drawer!
Hurrah pignut. Identify with the confidence leech
pignut - hilarious! I am so grateful. I'm feeling embaressed I didn't even think of googling it as I do with so many other things when I have no idea what to do. I'll report back when I've sorted it - there is an issue of how I'm going to reach the two that are over the bath - not sure my arms are long enough, even with the appropriate tools!
Google it of course! Didn't even occur to me.
I would like to add to my list
- allowing pfb to go out for afternoon with ex inlaws
- finally keeping my house tidy enough that ex inlaws ( or anyone ) can come round with out mad panic clean up
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