Disloyalty and no respect from DD

(90 Posts)
NewPatchesForOld Sat 24-Nov-12 23:35:27

I've posted about my oldest dd before, but now a new situation has arisen and I'm a bit shell shocked.
She's 18.
She got a twitter account a few months back, and my son (who's 15) told me that his friends kept telling him she was posting horrible things about me on there. At the time he didn;t have twitter, but got it about a month ago. He told me she was posting things on there, so tonight I asked him to go back and check to see what it was his friends had been on about. Maybe I shouldn;t have looked, but at the end of the day if my own daughter is slating me in public I want to know about it.
Here is a selection of her posts...

"Seriously considering going to live with my dad, I effing hate it here"
"If I stayed out til this time mum would go mad but it's ok for her...she's just a dirty stop out" (first time I had been out in about 2 years and it was a one off wine bar/members club)
"Yes mother, a pencil skirt and heels IS too dressed up for the cinema (I'm not on twitter so why address it to me?)
"My family is so effed up it won't be long before it's on jeremy kyle"
"Does anyone want to let me sleep on their settee? I hate it here"
"Being used as an unpaid babysitter while my mother goes out enjoying herself"

ANd so on and so on...

Now, the tone of the posts was venomous. I bend over backwards for my kids - I pay for her driving lessons (I struggle on very little money), I rarely go out, I am always picking her up from college because she texts me to say she is cold and has missed the bus and the next one will be half an hour blah blah...
She thinks she is at the top of the pecking order in the house. I never get to choose what's on tv as she has the remote contol all the time, if she's off college sick she will lie on the settee all day watching tv with the heating on high (I'm struggling to pay the heating bills), she quite happily expects the money for her driving lessons every week and yet calls herself an unpaid babysitter (I go out no more than once a month now), and now that she's 18 goes out drinking and expects me to fund it (I don't), and then demands a lift when she's hungover the next morning from her friend's house.

Now, I KNOW I have brought a lot of this on myself, I have been too soft with her and now she rules the roost, but after reading the tweets I am so sad and hurt, and wonder what it is I have done so wrong to warrant being treated like that.

She called her brother a w**k stain on there, and her sister (who's only 8) a little b**ch, and a spoilt brat.

My head is spinning at the moment.

cestlavielife Sat 24-Nov-12 23:59:31

And you taking about her on here is ....?

She isn't directing her tweet at you she is being ironic or trying to be clever to her followers .

Stop picking her up if there is another bus in Half an hour.

Get her her own small tv ?

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 00:01:53

Me talking about her on here is asking for advice from other single mums who might be able to help, It is certainly not slagging her off to the general public...none of you know me or her, whereas everyone on her twitter knows me and the family. That was just a selection of tweets, there are many more, some worse, some not so...but thanks for your support.

ProcrastinatingPanda Sun 25-Nov-12 00:07:28

I can't get past the fact that she's 18 shock I was expecting a 14yr old from the way you were talking. Stop doing things for her and giving her money, she doesn't respect you.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 00:12:39

Panda, I was hoping she would grow out of it...she has been very disrespectful towards me in the past, squaring up to me when she was only 14ish, a few months ago she goaded and goaded me and when it did turn into a row she grabbed my wrist and twisted it. She won;t get a job...I even took her into town the other day and walked around with her so she could apply for xmas jobs - she ended up handing in the grand total of ONE cv...she literally stamped her foot outside a card shop that was looking for staff and said she doesn't want to work in a crappy shop. Then she said it was MY fault she didn;t have a xmas job as I had left it too late!!!

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 25-Nov-12 00:15:36

I would ignore twitter but stop all the running around and pandering to her. She is an adult now and if she can't behave like one, she should move out.

ProcrastinatingPanda Sun 25-Nov-12 00:18:05

hmm she needs to grow up. Stop doing things for her, stop helping her until she stops treating you like something she stepped on. Are you taking digs from her? A percentage of her jobseekers for putting her up and I presume feeding her?

Personally I'd take her up on her offer of moving in with her dad.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 09:59:26

She doesn't work, she's at college 4 days a week, although she generally misses at least one day a week. I've tried to get her to do a part time job but she just won't work. She still expects pocket money. I pay for her driving lessons, her bus fares to and from college, she even expects me to make her sandwiches for her. Given the lack of respect I am really starting to resent the fact that I still have to do everything for her, when she is now an adult.

colditz Sun 25-Nov-12 10:04:29

"Given the lack of respect I am really starting to resent the fact that I still have to do everything for her, when she is now an adult."

You don't have to do anything for her, so stop doing it. Don't give her any more lifts, and if she kicks off, tell her that you've seen her posts on twitter, and don't wish to help someone who's so rude about you.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 10:12:26

I'm just waiting for a phone call asking me to pick her up from her friends house...she stayed the night despite knowing she has no way of getting home. She knows I have seen her posts on twitter, I was told about them before although I didn't know how horrible they were, and she said it's tough, I shouldn't have read them and she won't stop posting them. She literally documents my life on there...she even put how long I took to walk my boyfriend to his car a while back. Literally the entire village knows my business.

FannyFifer Sun 25-Nov-12 10:13:00

You make an 18 year old her sandwiches.
My 7 year old usually makes his own lunch FFS.
Stop doing things for her, stop paying for things, why are you paying for driving lessons, what's the point, she has no job to pay for a car or petrol etc.
Don't let her dictate the TV.

FannyFifer Sun 25-Nov-12 10:14:47

Also, completely immature but i would be very very tempted set up a Twitter account and post about her. smile

ProcrastinatingPanda Sun 25-Nov-12 10:16:27

Why are you going to pick her up? Let her walk home or figure out another way. She's 18, old enough to get herself home from a night out.

Gigondas Sun 25-Nov-12 10:17:19

What holla and Fanny said. Also let her walk back from her friends (you didn't say she was disabled - so it's not actually true she can't get back).

And the threat to live with her dad - let her.

Svrider Sun 25-Nov-12 10:26:47

You are treating your dd like a child
It cannot be a surprise that she's acting like a child
Ask her honestly about the college course, why is she missing days
Can you show her your finances, and ask her how she is going to contribute?
She needs to sort her own sandwiches
etc
You need to agree a rota for shopping and cooking
I take it your not doing another woman's laundry ?
Allow your dd to grow into a young woman
I think your enabling her childish behaviour tbh
All the best

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 10:29:54

I'm not picking her up, I just know she'll expect me to despite me saying I wouldn't. The 'funny' thing about all this is she goes mad if I talk to my mum or my partner about her, even if it's just about college, and yells at me saying I'm being disloyal. Her friend lives quite a long way from here...dd has hypermobility syndrome which does cause the joints to hurt but very selectively...doesn't stop her going drinking or clubbing or playing just dance on the Wii!

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 10:36:10

Svrider, yes I have enabled it to a certain extent but I would live her to grow into a young woman...I try and get her to grow up. She knows exactly what state my finances are in, but as she doesn't work she can't contribute. She knows how to use the washing machine but never ,does, instead she leaves a pile of clothes on the kitchen floor. The missing college is down to her saying she hurts, but then she will happily go shopping instead so I can only put it down to laziness. She is a grade a student and thinks that because her tutor said she is so fantastic that she is infallible.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 10:37:58

excuse the typos btw, I am on my phone at the moment so keep making mistakes.

ProcrastinatingPanda Sun 25-Nov-12 10:38:09

I have hypermobility syndrome but could still borrow money from a friend to get a bus home wink

Welovecouscous Sun 25-Nov-12 10:39:30

New, does she have any empathy at all? Can you try sitting her down and telling her how much her behaviour is hurting you?

rainbowinthesky Sun 25-Nov-12 10:41:18

You seriously need to step back as you are enabling her to behave in this way and allowing her to treat you like this. Why on earth are you doing her laundry, paying out for all these things for her if she won't get a paid job? She is 18. Let her be an adult and as for making her sandwiches....

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 10:41:38

Panda, exactly. I had cervical cancer this time last year, and I also have fibromyalgia so spend a lot of time in pain, but I still have to get on with life, as I'm sure you do.

Pull the plug now.

No more paying for driving lessons, no more doing her washing, no more making her sandwiches. If she is not at college turn the heating off and make her put on an extra jumper - tell her her driving lesson money is going towards paying the heating bills.

Just do something - don't moan about her whilst continuing to enable her treating you like a twat.

I would also maybe book an appoinment for her at the doctor - tell him she is in pain and try and establish a plan to help her with that - she will soon fall falt on her face if she is just using it to get her own way and get you to do things for her or stay off of college.

As for going to stay with her dad - what would her life be life then - will he allow her to get away with wht you do?

Svrider Sun 25-Nov-12 10:45:07

Leave her clothes on the floor!
Stop making her sandwiches
She's treating you very badly, and needs to contribute to the household
I did part time work whilst at college
I'm torn with the driving lessons tbh
My mum paid for mine when I was 17, for my birthday
The difference is I was very great full (and still am!)
Hope other posters have some ideas!

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 10:46:43

Couscous, no she has no empathy at all. I gothave cried in front of her before over athe easy she hurts me but it still goes on. Rainbow...she is a master of manipulation...when I tell her to stand on her own two feet she will say I have a life long commitment to her as her parent, that she didn't ask to be born and it was my choice to have her etc.

ATourchOfInsanity Sun 25-Nov-12 10:50:48

I would seriously consider asking her to move out. In a polite "aren't you grown up now!" way. The college will have provisions for student accom and she can share with her friends. Either that or go live with her dad. But I imagine he won't be too chuffed with that idea!

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 10:52:12

She is constantly at the Dr, has physio but never does the exercises. Her father wouldn't have her, he won't even have them stay over at xmas as he has no room for them. Her driving lessons were supposed to be the main part of her 18th birthday present, but she kicked off massively when I told her that, and said she wanted a Pandora bracelet, and a charm, and a day at a spa...I know I've been a mug.

marriedinwhite Sun 25-Nov-12 10:52:17

Stop the driving lessons
Stop picking her up
Stop giving her pocket money
Stop facilitating her idleness
Give her £1.90 per day for her lunch and let her deal with it
And if there's something you want to watch on TV tell her in advance it's going to happen.
Make an appointment with her tutor about her progresss at college

The wrist business is a major red flag for me. She does sound as though she has some major emotional issues to deal with also from the way she posts about what you are doing.

TBF I also have a nearly 18 year old and he can be an ungrateful little so and so who is always thinking ahead to what he's getting or doing next.

ATourchOfInsanity Sun 25-Nov-12 10:52:35

Lifelong commitment, sure, but not as a slave!
Make it clear to her that you see she needs independence, being so grown up and everything, and that you feel she is unhappy in your house, despite your best efforts. Therefore you have made the decision she would be happier elsewhere and has a month to find something suitable, perhaps her dad's?

Welovecouscous Sun 25-Nov-12 10:55:00

New then I think you have to think carefully about how to break the cycle - treat her like an adult with allowance/ tell her she has x time to find a job/ consider her moving to her dad's.

ATourchOfInsanity Sun 25-Nov-12 10:55:01

Let her have that convo with him, her dad, about no room. She needs to find these things out for herself and perhaps you have been the go between and she hasn't realised that really it is not possible. She needs to involve him in this too, as you have clearly done enough. Maybe he can help in some way with her living arrangements?

ledkr Sun 25-Nov-12 10:55:03

I agree about pulling back from doing everything. She has no respect for you because you don't command it with your actions.
Don't stop doing it all at once just steadily and don't do it in retaliation for the tweets do it because that's what you should be doing.
My 3 teens were allowed to stay at home as long as they paid their way and saw to themselves if they didn't like that they knew where the door was and two of them used it when they couldn't comply.
Try not to get drawn into rows about what you are not doing just don't do it and calmly explain that she is now old enough to do some things for herself.
Stay strong. She needs you to help her become a better person.

ATourchOfInsanity Sun 25-Nov-12 10:57:46

And re presents - I would set a £ limit and tell her. Either she can have the cash or you will get her something with it.

FWIW I moved out at 17 and my dad refused to get me presents for b.day and Christmas at all from age 14. It did indeed teach me to be more grateful so it's not to late to tone things down as long as you explain at the same time. She only looks childish and selfish to her friends when she kicks off on Twitter etc.

ledkr Sun 25-Nov-12 11:02:14

I did a course last week with work and research has shown that an empathic listening response to teens can help. I can pm you more details if you want to try it . Can't say I was empathic with mine though I just shouted back at them grin

colditz Sun 25-Nov-12 11:03:04

Actually, you'd don't have a lifelong commitment to her, you had an eighteen year commitment to her and her time is up.

You aren't doing her real favours, you know. Every time you do her washing, make her sandwiches and pick her up from college, you are disempowering her from adulthood. She may quite like being disempowered, but that doesn't mean it's right or healthy. My nine year old with asd would very much like to be spoon fed, but I won't, because he can feed himself and its appropriate for him to do so, because he is nine.

Well, your daughter is eighteen. Part of your job as her parent, if you still wish to engage as a parent (because you aren't legally obliged to), is to enforce age appropriate behaviour. For an eighteen year old, this means organising her own time, including education and transport, doing your own washing, and cooking your own food.

She's very spoilt. Remember, just because she has come to expect something does not mean she has a right to it.

legohouse Sun 25-Nov-12 11:05:41

newpatches...it's hard trying to get things right,i feel for you,it's not easy,i have had similar struggles (still am!) hang in there.

marriedinwhite Sun 25-Nov-12 11:08:17

Ledkr did you not find it difficult to be empathic to the usual:

"I'm so tired you don't understand" (when they have been out until 2.30am two nights running.

"I really need some new black skinnies" (when they have four other pairs of skinnies and shouldn't have got acrylic paint down the ones the have).

"OMG I can't exist without a phone - it's so awful - when their contract could be renewed on 8th November and they are angling for a better more expensive one and assure you they take great care of their things (when in reality over the contract one accompanied its owner into a swimming pool, one got nicked when the owner was mugged because he went to a party in a part of London he was advised not to go to by both parents, and one got dropped - oddly just around the time the contract could be renewed).

Empathy and late teens hmm easy to talk about - harder to do.

Uppermid Sun 25-Nov-12 11:22:11

Why are you still doing her washing? So she leaves the clothes on the kitchen floor - leave them there. She is behaving like a toddler having a tantrum and you are allowing her to get away with it. Did you let her get away with it when she was 2?

You say you want her to be a responsible young lady, then start allowing her to be one.

I had my 20 year old cousin live with me and dh for a couple of years, she'd go back home to her parents every few months and then expect picking up from the station when she came back to ours, I did it a few times as a favour but then started to resent it. So I just stopped and said sorry I can't. There were many other incidents where she just expected things to be done for her. Don't get me wrong we had many huge rows but I wouldn't stand for it. And I won't stand for it now with my own children.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 11:44:14

Back on my laptop so will be able to post properly again now.

Ok, so first of all I want to say I know I have brought a lot of this on myself. It takes a lot for me to admit this but...I think I am scared of her. Not physically, I mean the emotional and verbal fallout. I was in an abusive relationship some years ago, and I think that a) I have had enough of confrontations and b) I feel guilty about the children being in that situation.
So I'm not taking offence at anyone saying I am enabling her etc.

I am in so much pain today - the fibromyalgia can be debilitating sometimes and today is one of those days. I went to take my painkillers and find that DD has taken all mine as she can't be bothered walking to the dr (2 mins) to pick up her own prescription. Now I have no pain relief. If I go out today I will have to use a stick sad

Re: cooking...she is a vegetarian and I cook 2 lots of food every night, one for us and one for her - usually the same dish but using quorn but it still doubles my workload. And the sandwich thing - she text me on Friday to say she hadn't taken sandwiches in...she was waiting for me to say I would make her some and take them to college for her. I didn't. But that is what she expects. When I told her she had to make her own sanwiches she said 'that's not fair, you make them for DS and DD2, so why not me?'

Legohouse...thankyou smile

Colditz...I have said to her that now she is 18 my responsibility (as such) is over, that I will always be there for her but that she now has to stand on her own 2 feet, but she just chucks in my face that I chose to have kids and therefore I have to deal with it.

Sorry, I am just waffling now.

Please keep the comments coming. If I am to battle through this I will need support.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 11:46:11

Uppermid...you mentioned tantrums. She actually does have them. She stamped her foot in town the other day because I told her that if she wants a part time job she will have to take one in a shop/coffee shop etc and she thinks she will walk into a highly paid job from the start. She stood in the shopping centre and stamped her foot.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 11:47:38

ledkr...I do try and talk to her, and listen empathically. But she is such a closed book.

MrsTomHardy Sun 25-Nov-12 11:53:02

Agree with everyone else on here, stop doing things for her, just stop!!

My eldest DS can be very entitled about lifts to and from friends houses etc and he is very very lazy around the house but he is 15.....I know sometimes I give in to him for a quiet life but lately I have been getting better at saying No! He'll be 16 next may and he will be getting a part time job....otherwise his pocket money and phone contract stop....they only come to £27 a month but still, it's the principle!

marriedinwhite Sun 25-Nov-12 11:54:30

I think her behaviour is dreadful but do you think that underneath it she is suffering more emotionally than you realise because of past problems and this is a bit of a cry to see how far she can go for your love. Do you think it might be worth exploring counselling/camhs, etc?

You really do need to set out a few ground rules.

Laundry - only wash what is put in the basket.

Cooking - She has what you have but cut down the work. If you have spag bol, she has pasta with cheese or pesto; if you have burgers chips and beans she has an egg instead of the burger; if you have roast chicken with veg and roasties, she has the veg and roasties with cheese flan.

Money - she gets an allowance and has to sort out her lunch - either she makes sarnies or she buys it - let her work out the economics of it.

Driving - the lessons stop until the behaviour improves and she attends college regularly.

Work - if she wants more than the allowance covers then she needs to get a job - end of.

Lifts - can she cycle?

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 12:03:28

Marriedinwhite...no. I have thought about this, but she was difficult long before the abusive situation. Right from the age of about 4 really.
Cycling??? Ha, she has been told by GP to take up exercise as that will help her but she won't. As I said, she is lazy. The food thing, she is a vegetarian who doesn't like vegetables, fruit, cheese...she wouldn't eat flan. I spend a fortune on quorn and half the time she doesn't eat it anyway.
When she misbehaves she always says 'Oh, what are you going to do? Stop the driving lessons now?' I did it once but then gave in and let her rebook later in the week.

marriedinwhite Sun 25-Nov-12 12:08:37

Stop giving in and set some boundaries. It sounds as though every time you hear an excuse you make an excuse. She goads you because she knows you don't carry through. She's 18, let her leave if she wants. She'll be back in a few weeks and when she comes back you set the ground rules.

specialsubject Sun 25-Nov-12 12:11:57

wow.

no more washing. Dinner is what is there (stop pandering to fussy eating, and in your situation that includes vegetarianism). Eat it or go hungry - that's how a lot of the world works. The veggie thing sounds like princessy whining anyway, how can she be a vegetarian if she doesn't like vegetables?

no more money for anything apart from food and shelter. Not even education as she just wastes that. I would suggest adding love but she sounds really difficult to love in her present state - civility is about all you should manage.

continue until she turns into a human being. Most teens are little sods but they grow out of it eventually IF shown consequences. She is playing you. Sounds like you are the parent of the school nasty girl and that can't be much fun. Better late than never with the tough love.

best of luck. Sounds like you need it.

MrsTomHardy Sun 25-Nov-12 12:13:27

I agree....she is an adult now, if she doesn't like your rules then fine, she leaves

Stop giving in to her, she won't change her behaviour if she always gets what she wants

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 12:14:07

Yes, I have been pretty pathetic about it really. It's time I toughened up and shrugged my shoulders at her when she throws her tantrums. It's not going to be easy and my name will be mud on twitter but it has to be done.

MrsTomHardy Sun 25-Nov-12 12:15:53

Who cares what she says about you on Twitter....
Get tough and don't back down.

Good luck!

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 12:20:59

Specialsubject, it's funny you should mention the school nasty girl. I have had to go to her school numerous times to sort out problems, where she told me she was the victim but in fact it transpired that she had been instrumental in the whole thing. Even the police have been involved over Facebook malice, towards her, but when they've delved deeper she had been the one sending abusive threatening messages.

colditz Sun 25-Nov-12 12:21:25

She a vegetarian who doesn't like vegetarian food? Fucking wah!

When my sister was eighteen, she had a full time job and a mortgage. She cooked her own food, and washed her own clothes, although she still lived in the same house with our mum.

Your daughter behaves like this because you support it.

MasterOfBuggerAll Sun 25-Nov-12 12:27:48

I really hope you do take a tough stand with her. You will be doing the best for both of you in the long run.

And with regards to the abuse online, either report it to Twitter themselves or print copies and show the police. Either way it's abuse and needs to stop.

Oh and lock away your painkillers. That's disgusting how she has left you in pain.

I hope you feel better soon

marriedinwhite Sun 25-Nov-12 12:29:35

If you've been going into school for years then why on earth have you not set boundaries earlier.

NotDavidTennant Sun 25-Nov-12 12:35:19

OP, have you ever had any counselling over your abusive relationship? It concerns me that you might be subconscioualy recreating the abusive patterns of the past, but this time with your DD cast in the role of abuser. If you've brought up your DD as someone who is too be feared and appeased then she is going to have picked up on that and started to believe that about herself and learned to behave accordingly.

HoleyGhost Sun 25-Nov-12 12:42:06

There is an unhealthy dynamic between the two of you. I don't think it will improve until you address your own issues. Then you will be in a better position to give your dc the parenting they need. Have you had support from your GP?

HoleyGhost Sun 25-Nov-12 12:43:22

X posts, but I agree with NDT

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 12:45:56

I've never had counselling, and yes you are right in that she has taken on the role of bully, I do recognise that. And I am still considering counselling. I get
the same panic feelings with ds as I used to get with HIM. So yes, you are right.

Married...I have tried to set boundaries, and with my youngest 2 they have worked but it just hasn't with her. I obviously didn't try hard enough; it's so hard when you are on your own with no back up and I am guilty of giving in for a quiet life sometimes.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 12:47:26

Holey...I have no problems with my other 2, they have respect for me and know their boundaries and abide by them.

marriedinwhite Sun 25-Nov-12 12:52:50

I assume you meant dd there.

Do you think you might just have to accept that she his like her father and therefore your relationship will always be toxic. Perhaps it would be best if she went to live with him. At least for a while.

Marzipanface Sun 25-Nov-12 13:02:01

You don't have to do anything for her, so stop doing it. Don't give her any more lifts, and if she kicks off, tell her that you've seen her posts on twitter, and don't wish to help someone who's so rude about you.

What Coliditz says.

HoleyGhost Sun 25-Nov-12 13:12:32

You resent your DD. Let her go live with her Dad and get some counselling. You choose to be her skivvy, you choose to let her take charge of the remote control. This is not doing her any favours.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 13:17:04

Sorry, should have made it clear that her father was not the abusive one, that was their step father. And her living with her father would not work as he wouldn't have her, he has a lodger and values money over anything so wouldn't give up the rent he gets.

I love dd, but I hate the way she treats me and her siblings.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 13:18:48

Married, yes I meant dd...stupid predictive text!

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 13:41:44

Well I guess now is as good a time as any to put my foot down. ds just text to say she would have to get a taxi as she couldn't get home, but that all she had left was ten pound from her birthday and she wanted that to go out with next weekend.

ATourchOfInsanity Sun 25-Nov-12 13:44:57

Ignore it for a bit. She will either use it or not. She has to take charge of her own money and must realise how to stretch it, as you have been doing with the familial budget.

Once she starts to have her own budget I think she will be less fussy about food and less insistent on big presents.

I would just make it very clear she is an adult and must start acting like one. In EVERY way, not just her own money, but lifts, work, laundry and cooking.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 13:46:07

Sorry, meant dd again.

marriedinwhite Sun 25-Nov-12 13:47:30

Doesn't seem as though her life has been very predictable and that she blames you for some of the unhappiness. That doesn't mean she can do what she likes, when she likes and nothing to help or take responsibility. She sounds like a bully.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 14:08:57

I have no doubt she blames me, and I think that's why I have let her get away with so much for so long...I feel like I have to constantly apologise to her for the past. But as adults we all have a choice about how we treat others, and whether we want to break the cycle or keep it going.

DameFanny Sun 25-Nov-12 14:27:05

Change the wifi password and don't let her have it. Put a padlock on the boiler cupboard to stop her turning the heat up. Lock away your painkillers. Stop the driving lessons till she gets a job , tell her there's no point unless she saves up for a car herself (imagine the problems if you let her drive yours).

And start giving yourself the respect she won't smile

When she tells you you have a responsibility towards her tell her yes, you do. You have a responsibility to make her a functioning, likeable part of society, and that's what you're going to be helping her with now...

MrsTomHardy Sun 25-Nov-12 14:31:28

Agree with DameFanny.

Def do not go and pick her up from her friends house. Let her use her £10. I tell my DS1 before he goes to his mates house whether I will pick him up or not, and I stick to it. He may text me 3 thousand times asking me to pick him up but I don't give in.

PlaySchool Sun 25-Nov-12 14:49:35

You are allowing her to treat you like this.
This is what I would do about the tweets - I'd say, "It has been brought to my attention that you are tweeting slanderous things about me. If that is how you feel about me and that is what you are telling the world about me, then I will act accordingly. You will have no more money, lifts, driving lessons, food, etc., etc. When you behave in an appropriate, mature and grateful way, I might think about helping you with your life, but until then I am done with you."
Withdraw absolutely EVERYTHING from her and I guarantee, her behaviour will improve.

Start training your DD to be an adult. She needs to learn to cook her own meals, and do her own washing, and make her own travel arrangements. Tell her she can have her driving lesson on every week that she's managed full attendance at college. Make her next birthday present a bike smile Explain to her that these are the life skills she'll need if she's ever going to live independently (which seems to be what she wants to do, from her tweets).

Brace yourself for the inevitable fallout - but also remember that this isn't mere posturing, this really IS preparing her for adult life, and she really will need those skills to survive. She may also, one day (don't hold your breath) thank you.

NewPatchesForOld Sun 25-Nov-12 15:06:42

I wish I had your wisdom all of you. I haven't gone to pick her up, and I won't. I told her she knew the situation when she went. Tomorrow she has a physio appt about 20 min drive away. I an going to give her the money to go on the bus rather than using my whole day up driving her there and back...as she doesn't take the physios advice it's a waste of time anyway. I'm really angry with myself for allowing myself to be walked all over, and am determined it stops now.

MrsTomHardy Sun 25-Nov-12 15:18:07

Start as you mean to go on NewPatches.
Today is the start of the new you.

Good luck!

stargirl1701 Sun 25-Nov-12 15:32:32

I would write a letter to her explaining how hurt you are. My Dad did this when I was 17 and thinking about leaving school early (I was feeling very overwhelmed by the exams). It really made me pause and think. I realise it's not quite the same but the impact may be as great. My Dad posted the letter rather than hand it to me. I still have it today.

Make it clear she has the choice to leave. She is legally an adult and can make her own choices.

HollaAtMeBaby Sun 25-Nov-12 15:36:01

Hurrah! We are all here for you and sending feisty vibes smile

FannyFifer Sun 25-Nov-12 16:54:04

Good woman.

NotDavidTennant Sun 25-Nov-12 17:29:13

Newpatches: If you stand back and think about it, you are the one who has all the actual power in this situation. She is totally dependent on you for food, clean clothes, money, transport, and I'm sure much more. If she is ruling the roost it is only because you're letting her do so.

I agree with others that you need to take back control here, but I'd also suggest that once the dust has settled that you need to think about how you can try to develop a new relationship with your DD that is not based on the current "bully and victim" dynamic. In order to succesfully achieve this you need to start to understand why you have allowed this situation to develop in the first place, and that's where I think counselling might be helpful to you.

specialsubject Sun 25-Nov-12 17:35:56

so it appears that she IS the school bully, and you are another of her victims. Ouch.

I find it hard to sympathise enough with her to suggest anything positive - but I suppose bullies end up like that for a reason. I hope she can sort herself out and find that people will actually like her if she changes.

looks like you've raised two nice ones so hopefully you can turn this one round with some tough, tough love. Good luck.

DowagersHump Sun 25-Nov-12 19:35:26

My mum is a right softy but even she can be pushed so far. When my sister was behaving like your daughter, she sat waiting for her to come home in the living room, lights off. When my sister eventually rocked up (nearly 2 hours after her curfew) and turned the lights on, my mum was just sitting there. She told her very calmly that she'd pushed once too often and too far. From now on, there would be no X, Y and Z and if she didn't like it, she was old enough to live on her own. She had a week to make up her mind.

Then my mum got up and walked out of the room and went to bed.

My sister told me this years later incidentally.

I don't know if it was the element of surprise or the fact that it was completely different to how the majority of their conversations went but it most definitely had an effect.

Good luck with it OP - you sound like a lovely mum

marriedinwhite Sun 25-Nov-12 19:44:31

OP - remembering this late in the thread. Something I have told my teenage children often "whatever you do, I will always love you but I want to be able to like you as well".

Good luck. x

ledkr Sun 25-Nov-12 20:48:54

married re read my post. I was talking about a professional course I went on last week. I have suffered. 3 teenage boys in my life and have 2 dds to get through yet. I have not managed to use empathy no! I shouted and ranted and grounded and punished. I eventually told two of them to move out as they couldn't comply.
I was just pointing out this new research to the op and offering to go into more detail should she want to try it.
I will probably be back to shouting in a few years when dd1 "turns" hmm just thought I would throw it out there.
After what went through with ds1 I would never patronise a parent of a teenager just to show empathy. As if

Oh and a tip from our family therapist at work, do not raise your voice. Talk calmly, do not engage in an argument, just say your piece, raise your hand when they start shouting and day calmly but firmly " that is non-negotiable" and then walk away.

I think the not paying for her driving lesson unless she manages to go to college everyday is a fab idea. I would actually tell her that unless she gets a job in the next 4 months they will stop altogether as she will not have the funds to buy a car or insure it. And as a byline add that you will not be paying for either due to her not being at all kind or grateful to you and maybe that now she will think before she behaves in such a disrespectful manner.

Hand up "it's non negotiable" and walk away.

WhoWhatWhereWhen Mon 26-Nov-12 08:01:46

In all honesty this is par for the course, many teenagers like to think they are hard done by and their parents are horrible to them and their lives are full of suffering, they love trying to gain credibility by advertising that "fact", try not to take it personally.

OP, you do have a life long commitment to your children but one of the biggest parts of that is ensuring they can stand on their own two feet.

ProcrastinatingPanda Mon 26-Nov-12 08:11:57

whowhat she's 18, not 15.

cestlavielife Mon 26-Nov-12 12:25:20

if you havent had any counsellin before then it would be well worth while getting some via your gp. just a few sessions witha good therapist can be invaluable.

Uppermid Mon 26-Nov-12 23:18:17

Good for you. Stick to your guns, remember she will have the mother of all tantrums, but that's all it is, once she see you aren't going to back down she'll come round, just be prepared for it to take a while!

Fifi2406 Tue 27-Nov-12 00:27:58

I could have been your daughter! I was a vile teen! Basically I was angry about something (dad committed suicide when I was 14 and i was ridiculously bullied at school) has there been anything that could be making her unhappy outside the house? A traumatic experience? Boyfriends maybe? My mum let me get away with it because she felt guilty about everything but she should have just put her foot down! I grew out of it but I made it tough for my mum! Now we get on much better! I know from how I was she probably won't want to talk to you but I would seriously suggest she's going through something that she feels is the worst thing in the world!

Fifi2406 Tue 27-Nov-12 00:33:06

Also I'd just pull the plug on helping her out! The only thing my mum did for me in the end was helped me get to college as it was a half an hour train ride away! I soon got the hang of the washing machine when I had no clean knickers!

Fifi2406 Tue 27-Nov-12 00:34:09

She helped me by getting me a rail card I had to get to and from the station myself and anywhere else I went

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now