so scared, what should I do?

(41 Posts)
IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 18:42:35

My sons have just come home from their day with their Dad, and ds1 had told me his Dad had told him that if I don't tidy the house up he is going to phone social services, and that the boys will have to live with him.

Now the thing is, I've had ss involvement before because of my house, and the moment it is a mess, so I know I need to do it, but seen top have a block when it comes to housework.

And now I'm so scared, what if he does call them, wool he get custody? Even though he doesn't have beds for them? Oh fuck I'm so scared! !

Help me please

maristella Sun 11-Nov-12 18:46:36

sounds like you need an action plan.

What does this mess consist of?

Fairylea Sun 11-Nov-12 18:51:36

I'd start now. Then if it does come to anything you've made a start.

Can you grab some black bags and quickly bin anything that isn't necessary or hasnt been used for a while ?

Are we talking mess as in cleaning or as in clutter ?

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 18:51:41

Toys , paperwork, general crap. No mouldy food or anything minging though

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 18:52:50

Mostly clutter! Am tackling boys bedroom now

BertieBotts Sun 11-Nov-12 18:55:43

Okay Golden, this is NOT going to happen, because you are NOT going to let it. Okay?? I have no idea if he has a chance of getting custody over this, I think it's very unlikely he'd get it after one phone call, TBH, but just to be on the safe side and to make YOU feel better, I agree with Maris that you need an action plan.

Can you be honest about the mess here? If it helps, I've been in a similar situation as I also have a mental block about housework. I have a checklist somewhere which was given to me by a social worker, it's the official checklist that they use, if you like I could try to find it/remember it. It really helped me get a handle on acceptable vs unacceptable mess, because I'd do what I thought was the important stuff, and my HV would come back and say it looked the same sad because she was looking at different things. Then I got myself into a right state because I couldn't keep it spotless all the time and I just had no idea what was a priority and what wasn't.

My house is not great at the moment blush and I would be embarrassed to let people in, but I know that I can get it better than it is, and you can too. It IS manageable, you just have to get there in small steps.

Do you think it's talk from your ex to get back at you, or do you think it's genuine concern from him over your boys' welfare?

How old are the boys BTW?

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 19:00:56

Probably just talk from him. In the last 10 mins we have half done their room, that's how much it's just clutter.

They are 8 and 6.

maristella Sun 11-Nov-12 19:01:47

When I have a daunting amount to achieve I write a list.

Around the house this might include: rubbish, washing up, bathrooms, polish, bedding, wash bedding, hoover, mop etc.

Paperwork can be dealt with while watching tv

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 19:03:47

He told the boys he's gong to give me a week to sort it out, but what if he doesn't, what if he phones them now, will they come straight round?

BertieBotts Sun 11-Nov-12 19:10:28

That sounds like a lot better than my house then blush

There are some shelves on offer at argos at the moment, 3 for 2 - they're all squares and you can mix and match to make different arrangements. They're great for storage if you need some extra places for things.

For paperwork it can be worth getting a few files and just sorting stuff as soon as it comes in rather than it all being in a massive pile.

At 8 and 5 surely messy bedrooms aren't going to be a massive issue TBH - the 8 year old at least could be expected to clean up his own mess and the 5 year old with some help could, also. So I don't think SS are going to be too bothered about a few toys on the floor of a bedroom. It will be the general living areas they'll be bothered with, whether the kitchen and bathroom are hygienic, that there aren't things lying on the floor that the children could break and/or hurt themselves on, that they have clean sheets on their beds etc.

BertieBotts Sun 11-Nov-12 19:12:53

What, now at 7pm on a Sunday? grin

I doubt it.

If he contacts them, they'll probably either ignore it, or contact you by letter arranging a visit. They can't just turn up, so don't worry smile It's not like your ex is going to show them video footage of you beating the children black and blue - he's (apparently) going to tell them that your house is messy. That's not really likely to be a priority case for them, I don't think.

BertieBotts Sun 11-Nov-12 19:14:54

And how generous of him to give you a week hmm


In fact, TBH I'd say screw him. Your house sounds absolutely fine to me. How dare he worry you over nothing? If it's a mess, then clean it, but don't feel like you HAVE to in order to appease this bully. He's your ex, remember smile You have your house as untidy as you like, as long as it's not a danger to your children!

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 19:16:19

But I have 'previous' for ant of a better word, where the children were sent to my mums for a week. I'm scared he's going to use this against me and get custody :-(

botandhothered Sun 11-Nov-12 19:18:16

Have you a friend that can come round tomorrow and help when the children are at school?? It can really help keep you on task if you have someone there to lend a hand?

puds11 Sun 11-Nov-12 19:19:23

Get some under bed storage boxes and ask the boys to chuck all their toys in there then just whip them under the bed. You can get them from wilkos

Be very brutal with what you have. If you dont use/need it, chuck it or charity shop it.

Run the hoover round and voila, tidy(er) home.

BertieBotts Sun 11-Nov-12 19:19:43

Do you feel able to share the circumstances of that? Are you still in touch with a social worker relating to that at all? How long ago was it - and they were returned, so the social workers must have felt that you made sufficient improvements - have those improvements stayed?

Sorry must go and run DS a bath, but PLEASE don't worry, if all he has to go on is the state of your house, well, you can get it spotless if need be. NO social workers are going to turn up at your house tonight and nobody would remove a child from the care of a loving parent who is obviously coping perfectly fine, whatever the other parent is saying about them.

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 19:20:03

Thanks. I'm starting to feel better, but possibly won't sleep tonight for tidying, but your words are helping me smile

What was your house like previously when ss were involved? Was it worse than it is now?

Be a bit ruthless tonight and sort as much as you can.

Do you have storage for paperwork, enough toy boxes, space for books?

If house isn't dirty and the kids have clean bedding, are washed and in clean clothes, eating non mouldy food I wouldn't worry.

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 19:30:59

It was over a year ago now, I have posted on here about it, under variation of the name I have now, probably IneedAbetterNickname possibly with in 2012 on the end. Boys bedroom is tidy now, but not hoovering now, my neighbors won't be happy as they have a baby. Going to clean the bathroom next, which isn't that bad tbh.

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 19:36:21

It was far worse before.

tschiffely Sun 11-Nov-12 19:42:57

How does your ex know that your house needs tidying? Is it something your dc have said to him?

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 19:48:08

No, he can see my hallway and into my lounge when he picks up/drops off, they are prob the messiest bits tbh

tschiffely Sun 11-Nov-12 19:59:52

messy house is not a crime! if your dc are clean, fed and happy that is the priority. Your ex is being a manipulative git.

tschiffely Sun 11-Nov-12 20:03:05

you know what....sort drop off/pick up away from your house. Get your place uber tidy/sorted so if/when ss turn up, your ex will look like the complete wanker he is.

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 20:05:07

Ss assigned me with a family worker, who continued working with me for about 6 weeks after ss closed the case. Would it be worth calling them in the morning does any one think? Thanks again for all your supportive words.

tschiffely Sun 11-Nov-12 20:08:57

Could he be bluffing, is he just trying to wind you up? Could he realistically acommodate dcs with his work/school holidays etc? What is his motive here?

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 20:24:41

I doubt he could accommodate them, ds2 slept there this weekend on an airbed in the floor as they don't have spare beds

I think his motives could be to scare me. He's an evil fucker, I fucking hate him!

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 20:26:18

Plus ds2 said that Daddy let him watch a video of Justin Beiber eating poo, and play a12 rated game because 'you're big enough' so hardly an example of brill parenting!

BertieBotts Sun 11-Nov-12 20:27:10

Yes call family worker, and ask them for advice.

Also the idea to pick up/drop off somewhere else is a good one. He has no right to be prying into your life like this - I'm sure other friends and family etc see into your house, they'd say something if it was an issue.

tschiffely Sun 11-Nov-12 20:30:04

golden, he is trying to shit you up!

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 20:32:31

My Mum is always saying it's a mess, but she's a neat freak who's house is perfect. I KNOW it's a mess, and I KNOW it needs doing, I just can't seem to do it and keep it tidy! I think my tidy gene us missing!

tschiffely Sun 11-Nov-12 20:35:23

golden, why are you afraid that ss will take your dcs away because your house is a mess?

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 20:38:24

Because they've been involved before for my house being a mess.
Because losing them is my worst nightmare.
Because I do, I don't know, I just do sad

tschiffely Sun 11-Nov-12 20:40:46

ok, so you need a fool proof plan. What needs doing and can you do it alone or do you need help?

tschiffely Sun 11-Nov-12 20:44:19

reading one of your previous posts, rather than your mum telling you your place is a mess, could she not help you sort it?

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 20:50:42

Ok my action plan is to wash up and sweep the kitchen, and clean and sweep the bathroom before bed.

Then tomorrow after I finish college I have an hour before I pick the boys up, so I can tidy the lounge. This involves putting toys in boxes, binning some stuff, boxing up the paperwork, and hoovering.

That leaves the playroom (needs toys picking up) and my bedroom (looks like a teenagers) for after college on Tuesday.

My Mum was already coming round on weds to help move some furniture (currently I dint have a sofa in the lounge, it's in the playroom) and drive me to the laundrette to get a load of drying (practically impossible to do in this weather otherwise, I'm impressed by anyone that manages!)

tschiffely Sun 11-Nov-12 20:56:49

golden, good to have a plan but do not knock yourself out over this. It has to be manageable and sustainable. Can your mum take the drying and do it to free you up to do something else?

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 21:02:04

Probably. Keeping on top of it is the problem. When ss were involved before, I kept on top of it all. Then they closed my case and I still kept on top of it. Then I got back with my (fucking stupid decision) and he moaned if I was doing housework when he was here, or if I said I couldn't see him because I was doing housework. So I slipped back into my old ways of NOT keeping on top of it. Then we split up again, I started college and don't have time to get it 'perfect' again iyswim. Once it is done, I should be able to keep it tidy, I need a time plan of what I do when.

IneedAgoldenNickname Sun 11-Nov-12 21:08:07

Sorry, that last post was really badly written with no paragraphs blush

I hope my posts are making sense, I'm trying not to ramble, which us hard when I'm panicking, although I'm feeling more positive then I was initially

Blu Mon 12-Nov-12 09:46:00

Unless there is something we can't visualise, I think that your boys will suffer more from a father who says things completely inappropriately to them than from a messy house.

If he is concerned about the conditions they live in he should speak directly to YOU, and in no way issue it like a threat via the boys. If you can speak to your support worker I would suggest you tell her that he is behaving like this and discuss ways to handle it.

IneedAgoldenNickname Mon 12-Nov-12 11:11:46

Thanks blu, I agree with you, the things he says could potentially be could damaging for them.

But, it turns out the school had phoned my ex last week, to speak to him about ds1 who is having meetings with pastoral care every week to talk about how he feels, so this could be him 'throwing his toys out the pram' in retaliation!

Anyway I'm feeling much calmer this morning

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