So ExH keeps telling DS that I'm not allowing contact despite the fact that I have sent him letter after letter through solicitor instigating contact...

(37 Posts)
Mongolia Mon 04-Jan-10 19:52:26

I really don't know what else I can do, exH keeps telling DS that I don't allow him to ring him, see him, spent time with him, despite the fact I have spent £100s in solicitors letters trying to increase the level of contact between them.

I'm feeling very frustrated, more so at seeing my son so angry with me when in fact is his father who is not interested enough in DS to ring him.

I insisted DS to ring him in CHristmas eve, a call exH used to tell DS I was telling lies to him as he wanted to spend time with him and I didn't allow him shock

The fact is, I offered to exH to have more days with DS, but he declined, I have sent letter after letter telling him he can ring DS and he doesn't. Yet he tells DS, my friends, and even my own family that I'm forbiding him to contact his son!

I'm at my wits end... is there anything I could do, apart of asking Radio 4 to read my letter in public so it gets clear that it is NOT me who is preventing him from contacting his son?

Niceguy2 Mon 04-Jan-10 20:09:31

What is the current level of contact then?

GypsyMoth Mon 04-Jan-10 20:12:18

how old is ds?

Mongolia Mon 04-Jan-10 20:20:38

The contact they had over most of the last years was:
-Alternate weekends
-Wednesdays nights
- Exh used to take DS to school (I did the pick ups)
- From the very first day of our separation exH used to ring every night to wish him good night/talk about the days.

Then, the court got involved reg separation of assets for the divorce and since then contact has become:

- Alternate weekends (although he leaves DS sometimes for full days/nights with other people to go out or away on trips, so is not as if they are spending the contact time together)

- Wednesdays when exH can, but exH has already announced he won't be doing more Wednesdays soon.

- He is no longer ringing DS (but telling everyone I have forbid him), and

- he is saying I was forcing him to take DS to school despite the fact I offered many times to do it myself as the communication with the teacher was very patchy.

I have told him he can ring him everyday if he wants (at a reasonable hour as he was complaining of me interfering when ringing after DS fell asleep), that he is welcome to take him out for a few hours in the afternoon if he so wishes, but no... he is not interested, he says he has a life to live, yet he tells DS and everyone who wants to hear him that it's me the one not allowing contact.

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours Mon 04-Jan-10 20:23:46

How old is your DS? Is he old enough to see the letters you have written and post them with you?

Mongolia Mon 04-Jan-10 20:24:21

BTW, all the reduction of contact has been instigated by exH, not me.

Obviously, I can't/won't force exH to have regular contact with his child, but I resend being blamed for the lack of contact when he has every opportunity to have it.

GypsyMoth Mon 04-Jan-10 20:27:03

does ds have a mobile ? is he old enough....get a cheap one and then dad can ring at a time that suits ds...no need for you to be involved then. we have this...calls are logged on the phone

Mongolia Mon 04-Jan-10 20:27:30

He is old enough to read them but not old enough to understand them. In any case, I don't think it would be good of me to present a young child with evidence that his father can't be ars*d, I want to protect DS feelings as much as I can.

Mongolia Mon 04-Jan-10 20:29:06

He is 6, he can not be trusted to remember where he placed his DSi, much less so where he left the phone... hmm

AitchTwoOhOneOh Mon 04-Jan-10 20:31:02

what a terrible situation, i think tiffany's idea about the mobile is a good start. have you spoken to dh? why is he doing this?

AitchTwoOhOneOh Mon 04-Jan-10 20:31:56

mongolia, he can leave the phone on a shelf in his room and it NEVER leaves there on pain of death.

Mongolia Mon 04-Jan-10 20:33:00

To make peace with exH I have also offered to try to get DS to ring him but most times DS is not really interested, and when he is... well, let say that exH has not picked up the phone for months even when we have tried to contact him during medical emergencies. hmm

Mongolia Mon 04-Jan-10 20:37:11

Aitch, I think he is trying to punish me for getting the court involved for the sep of assets. All this started the day he got the notification.

Having said that he has been threatening me with leaving me homeless, if I used a solicitor. Court was unavoidable and someway I was prepared to loose the house, but I was not expecting exH to use DS to punish me.

AitchTwoOhOneOh Mon 04-Jan-10 20:39:43

you've not spoken to him, i take it? it's a tragic situation, totally no-win for you unless you're prepared to break ds's heart.

edam Mon 04-Jan-10 20:44:51

So sorry your ex is being such a selfish hypocrite and letting ds down so badly.

Thing is, however hard you try to present solutions such as the mobile, if he is more interested in painting himself as the victim than in actually doing right by his own son, then it isn't going to work and will just drive you mad. Suggest you could try the mobile as a last-ditch attempt but then stop trying to sort out his mess if he won't have it tidied up.

I dunno, how would he react if you suggested mediation?

Btw, suspect your ds's father is not alone, if that's any comfort. There are plenty of people who cover up their own failures by claiming 'ooh, it's my ex not allowing me to see my own child'. Gits.

DwayneDibbley Mon 04-Jan-10 20:46:12

Message withdrawn

edam Mon 04-Jan-10 20:46:50

Maybe an organisation like Gingerbread would have some advice re. how to talk to ds about this? So you don't get blamed by ds for his father's inadequacies, while not upsetting ds by pointing out those inadequacies, IYKWIM?

mrsjammi Mon 04-Jan-10 20:49:00

Message withdrawn

Mongolia Mon 04-Jan-10 20:54:14

Aitch, I have tried to speak to him, despite the fact he has been acting like a proper bully for months. As he was becoming very aggressive, I suggested mediation. As soon as mediation started things became far worse. Police needed to get involved after that.

He is now only allowed to contact me via solicitors or parents booklet, but there are plenty of measures in place which allow him to contact DS (like handover in public places, or for him to ring ds without the need to talk to me, for DS to ring him whenever he wants, my family and friends have offered and do help to facilitate the contact with DS, but he declines. I'm even handing DS to his very rude new partner, as otherwise DS wouldn't see his dad, yet... he puts the blame on me).

I'm scared, but I'm willing to put my fears/safety/and even dignity to the side to improve the situation of DS. Not that that has helped at all.

Mongolia Mon 04-Jan-10 21:00:58

Edam, I talked to an organisation that helps victims of domestic violence and they told me I just needed to be very factual with DS like saying "I don't know why he has done "that" but I can assure you he loves you very much"

Then, comes ex and tells him he didn't want to do "that" but I made him do it hmm

Someway I feel many women won't be as patient as I have been and instead of being kicked repeatedly on the teeth would have reduced contact to protect the child and themselves. I really don't want to get to this, but having DS accusing me of being a liar, and seeing him so upset at all this... I'm starting to think whether I should be acting different...

SolidGoldBloodyJanuaryUrgh Mon 04-Jan-10 21:09:32

OK your X's behaviour is about abusing you. That's what motivates him - to make your life as difficult as possible because you have refused to submit to and obey him and because he is a complete bellend. So maybe it would help to get the rest of your family on board to say that 'Daddy tells fibs because he's unhappy, he does love you but things are difficult for him' or something similar and don't rise to the bait with X, refuse all contact between him and yourself.

SleighGirl Mon 04-Jan-10 21:11:28

Mongolia I think you can tell your ds that his Dad is very very angry about money and he is saying nasty things to hurt you and to make ds think nasty things about you.

Sadly soon to be ex-bil is being a similar d*ckhead with SIL.

Perhaps if you play completely cool with your ex, don't try and initiate etc etc etc I will miss your attention/realise you really don't care and perhaps actually want to see his son again!

GypsyMoth Mon 04-Jan-10 21:11:54

so if third party are responsible for handovers and communication is in a book,then its there plain for everyone to see. people will realise its not you blocking contact,its him not taking it!!

wouldn't worry what people think of you

AitchTwoOhOneOh Mon 04-Jan-10 21:17:10

not for the first time i agree wholeheartedly with sgb, this is a continued situation of abuse. what a total, utter piece of shit to behave this way, just detestable.
i think i'd offer the mobile, get it noted in a solicitor's letter that it is there, and then move forward with the 'dad is unhappy' line from everyone you know. is there someone else who ds and you trust who could act as a sounding board for your son? a male?

HerBeatitude Mon 04-Jan-10 21:31:55

Also agree with SGB.

To whoever said they couldn't understand why someone would lie about this: can't you? I can. It immediately establishes them as the innocent party in the eyes of everyone they meet (because most people are quite credulous and believe the mysogynist myth of bitter ex denying contact) and it gains them sympathy and understanding instead of the oppropribium they deserve. Quite a strong motivator IMO! It is so common that I'm surprised anyone is surprised by it tbh.

OP, you can't stop him lying like this, but you can change your response to it and stop allowing it to infuriate you - it's not worth your energy. Agree that you should call the Gingerbread hotline to get advice on what to tell your DS.

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