Dont like whats happening re access and X,s behaviour

[freeasabird]

hi i need some advice.

split up with X last week,he was emotionally abusive and its taken me a few months to get him to leave.

so far hes only been gone 4 days but hes acting like we are still together.

he isnt working and is living off half our savings i gave him, (only a few hundred quid but he was entitiled to half of it).

today he turned up and used DD,s hairbrush to brush his hair claiming he hasnt been able to buy one yet

he brought dd back and said did i mind if he made himself a cup of tea as he handnt had one all day- i was making the tea and didnt want to cause a scene in front of the DC so i said ok.

then he said he didnt know what he was going to eat for his tea,dropping mega hints about me giving him some (i didnt)

he hung around until i put the DC,s tea out and then relucatantly went.

i asked DD where she,d been today and she said

The park
his brothers
his sisters
his dads
his house

now he only had her for just over 4 hours and she has ASD and im not happy about that.

i know he will do anything to get a reaction and i dont want to give him one but i feel its grossly unfair to do this to DD,she needs strict routines and advance notice,im not sure what to do about it really,i think he wants an argument and is trying to provoke me into one.
we are relate on friday,weve been having seperation counselling so i might bring it up then but not sure.

[Claire2009]

Its still early days since splitting and by the sounds of it he's doing the 'guilt-trip' maybe if I make her feel sorry for me etc I'll worm myself back in iukwim.

Stay strong, be firm.

Thats the only advice I can give, Sorry, Best Wishes.

[popcorn123]

My ex tried to put on the pretence that we were still together - insisting that we went out as a family, turnig up for meals etc for months after I left. He didn't seem to get the message despite how often I stated up and got upset when I refused to be physically affectionate to him.

He eventually got the messsage when I got solicitors involved but it was hard, again like you because I didn't want to cause a scene or upset but I think I dragged the emotional turmoil out for long er for everyone but it is so hard to get the message across.
Even now he sometimes phones and expects me to drop everything (i.e his kids needs ) becasue he has a cold, busy day at work and I have to be very firm with him.

Only advice is to set boundaries and be firm as said previously even if you feel bad or he makes you feel guilty and try ans see the situation as an outsider might see it if you are not sure whether you are being manipulated or not.

It is early days through and things should settle a bit.

[Mumofagun]

How old is DD? When she got home, what was she like? How did her behaviour differ from any other day?

[freeasabird]

hi thanks for the replies

DD is only 5, when she got home she was very clingy and seemed confused and i knew something wasnt right.

we had an appt to see the headteacher this morning so he arrived here,came in and brushed his hair with DD,s pink hairbrush again, so i said you really need to buy yourself a hairbrush you know,he said he hasnt had chance .

went to see headteacher,then he said he was going job hunting and asked me what i was doing today so i said cleaning!!!

i know its only early days,and ill just have to keep being firm until he really gets the message (probably when i file for divorce)

[Niceguy2]

Its very early days yet.

Focus on the bigger picture. For example, setting the boundaries. Your home is no longer his home.

The cup of tea thing and the hair brush are small things which dont really make much difference in the grand scale of things.

Bring up the whole boundary thing at counselling. If you don't then what use is it going? Also, if there's a problem and you don't tell him, he can claim total innocence.

[freeasabird]

i understand what you are saying niceguy but XH is a master manipulator and has been EA me for years,this is part of his control.

im going to bring it up at counselling tho,and you are right in the bigger scale of things it is my home and not his,now getting him to realise that is a whole other ball game!!!!