Supervised contact, currently supervised by SS. Possibly ending soon. What do i do?

[Tortoise]

XP was physically and mentally abusive to my DS1.
I have 2 DD's with him.

He was removed from my home by a court order and assessed to be unsafe to have DD's unsupervised.

In the past SS supervised contact, this was then moved onto his Parents supervising but he fell out with them and they ended supervising contact.

SS then started supervising again, around once a month. This has gone on since around September.

SS visited today and said that this may end soon as SS don't normally pay for someone to supervise contact for this long, it usually passes to someone else to supervise.

I don't think there is anyone who could do the supervision and i certainly don't want unsupervised contact, as they are only 4 & 5. But they do like seeing him (however much i hate him!!)

So what would happen? How could contact go ahead? SW didn't seem sure of what would happen next but she is going to speak to her manager.

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

Contact centre?

[Tortoise]

I don't drive so it could be a problem getting there and who would cover transport costs? I can't afford to.
I know there is a contact centre in the next town.

[Tortoise]

Would that mean i would see him though?I really don't want any contact with him at all. At the moment the supervising SW assistant picks DD's up from here and takes them to contact.

[Tortoise]

Thanks.

[GypsyMoth]

I think the onus is on us ( will be using contact centre soon too) to get the DC to the contact point. That's what cafcass said to me. Will cost me £13 in bus fares, then have to hang around with 2 other DC in tow, for the 2 hour session. That's if it happens of course.

[Spero]

Contact centres are usually set up to deal with parents who don't want to or shouldn't meet each other for eg you can arrive 5 mins early and wait in another room, he then leaves at the end before you do and one of the staff brings the children to you.

But a lot of contact centres are run by volunteers and may not have the room to do this. It really depends on the lay out of the particular place but everyone who works there should understand the difficulties.

If you have no transport or the contact centre is far away, usually the courts like to see parents sharing the costs but if this isn't possible, he will have to pay.

But bear in mind that supervised contact is not seen as a long term solution. the courts see it as a way of getting contact off the ground after a break or a way of letting children get to know a parent they haven't seen before, in a safe environment. But at some point, you will need to grapple with the issue of how contact moves on and develops - provided it is safe for you all of course.

[Tortoise]

Thanks spero. This is one of my difficulties, how will contact ever move on when he has been violent to my DS.
How can i be sure he will never hurt DD's?

IloveTiffany That is expensive bus fare. I would have to pay around £5 train fare which actually isn't much. Depending what day it would probably just be me to entertain while DD's had contact!

[GypsyMoth]

They usually run on Saturdays.
That's return bus fare for myself and 4 DC though. I will get him to pay this. No way will I. He has also been violent to one of the kids.

[Spero]

Tortoise, it is incredibly difficult. The presumption is that it is in a child's best interests to have a relationship with both mother and father, but that presumption doesn't operate if the child won't be physically or emotionally safe during that relationship.

the big, big problem is how to reach agreement about what has happened, its consequences and where do we go from here.

the trouble is it is a spectrum - at one extreme is the violent psychopath who could hurt or kill the children, at the other end is the loving father who is a victim of a deranged ex who is trying to turn the children against him. Vast majority of cases fall somewhere in the middle with all sorts of grey areas and different perspectives.

Is there anyway you think mediation could work? I think the problem with contact centres is that they just put off making the inevitable decisions about how to get on with parenting post separation, particulalry if your ex has behaved in a way to give you genuine and rational concerns about how he will behave with the children. At some stage he will either have to be having unsupervised contact OR no direct contact at all.

[Tortoise]

I think my xp is near the end of the spectrum. My DS1 had multiple bruises where xp had hit him, kicked him and thrown things at him. I also witnessed him throw him across a room. He only got away with it in court because at the time i wasn't strong enough to be a witness against him. He was also emotionally abusive to me and attempted to rape me. Well, actually it would probably be classed as rape as he forced himself inside me before stopping!

This is not someone i would want my DD's with unsupervised.
Not sure how mediation works but if it involves being in a room with him then i can't do that.

[lostdad]

Tortoise - ask about `shuttle mediation'. My ex refused to be in the same room as me (as part of trying to cut me out of our ds' life) and I proposed this.

What happens is you sit in one room, your ex sits in another and the mediator goes between them so you can come to an agreement (hopefully) without having to go face-to-face.

Didn't stop my ex refusing it though.

[Claire2009]

XP wasn't physically violent towards DD & DS but extreme domestic violence to me which DD & DS witnessed.
I won't allow him to have the children unsupervised, I went to a solicitor who has advised Contact Centre - I don't have to stay in contact with him at all & he's not to contact me in ANY way going unless it's urgent for the kids (which nothing could be? really?!??! )
I am awaiting confirmation the contact centre have received the application & then it's just waiting till they have a 'free' space for us.
He will get 2hr a fortnight supervised.

[Spero]

Tortoise. he does sound bad. In cases like this, if it goes to court, the court will normally require someone who is violent to undergo some kind of counselling , for eg at the Domestic Violence Intervention Project. Their success rates don't seem to be great but cross that bridge if and when you come to it.

that kind of behaviour is not only dangerous to you all physically but has the potential to cause long lasting and significant emotional harm to your children, which is in my opinion the worst kind of harm because it can really screw up your adult life and ability to form trusting, loving relationships.

It doesn't sound like there should be any rush to any kind of contact until he has made an effort to sort himself out, express remorse and try to do better.

If he denies what he has done, you will need a court fact finding to establish the truth and then move on to what he can do to make things right. Only then should contact be considered seriously.

Shuttle mediation is a good idea if you can't bear to face him, but the first step is that he has to take responsibility for his actions and acknowledge he needs to change. without that insight, it is probably a waste of time to try mediation.

Good luck. Get some advice from a solicitor or CAB if you are concerned about the next step but frankly it looks like this needs to be in the court arena.

[Tortoise]

Thanks for advice.

Lostdad I will keep that in mind, thanks. Sorry to hear of your situation.

Claire Hope the contact centre get back to you soon so you know what is happening. 2hrs a fortnight is probably more often than i would want!

Spero We previously had a finding of fact hearing because my DS's were taken to live with their Dad(xp1) and i had to fight to get them back home(i won!). And xp2 would only admit to causing some bruising, because he couldn't really get out of that. He wouldn't admit to anything else. (I didn't say anything about me at that time so no-one knew about that)
Some very good specialists felt anger management wouldn't work with him but he said he would look into it. Last i heard was probably 2 yrs ago he saw the Dr about and was on a list! I have no contact with him at all so i don't know if he ever took it further. He is the type of person who thinks he is right and everyone else is wrong!
We have a contact book which i or he can write in if something needs to be said but it can only be things in relation to the DD's.

Hope that all makes sense lol!

[Spero]

sorry tortoise, my screen has gone all funny and your message is squeezed onto the right hand side? I hope I've read it right.

If there has already been a fact finding hearing, then you are stuck with those facts and will have to work in that framework. So it may be that mediation is the best way forward, just to try to find a solution that you can deal with.

[Tortoise]

It is a problem with MN . Makes it very hard to read lol.

Can't remember the exact facts from it but i expect i have the information somewhere still.

Hopefully SW will get to me soon so i know how long until they stop supervising.
Thanks.