I dont know how to tackle my exp. Can anyone help?

[spookycharlotte121]

We have been split for around a year. He see's the kids once a week. We had been getting on really well but things seem to have taken a nose dive recently and I have no idea why.
I have been trying to be light and pleasent with him helping him out etc and even helped him get a job.

Today he had the kids. I told him I was having dinner with some friends and would collect the kids around 7. I was slightly late and arrived at half 7. He was really cross with me and had a massive go at me becuase his gf's dd usually goes to bed at 6.30 and I had mucked up her bed time routine, my ds has a similar bed time to this but if the worst happens and he goes to bed slightly later then its not a huge deal..... he was acting like it was a huge disater.

When I try to talk to him about basic things to do with the kids he is dismissive and just unresponsive. I have no idea of what the kids have eaten today, if they have slept and generally what sort of day they have had because he came to my car put them in, had a go at me and left.
I dont know if his gf has something to do with it. she has always had issues with us being near one another and I suspect this cuold have something to do with the change in behaviour.
He is also oh so charming to me when he wants a favour.... just seems like he can only ever be polite to me when he is getting something out of the situation.
All I want is to be able to have a civil conversation with him about the kids. Make decisions together about the important things and just generally have his input but at the moment it is like trying to get blood out of a stone.

I have depression (he doesnt know about this and it would not be worth telling him) and the way he is acting just makes the situation worse.
I know it sounds very trivial but I really need his support with the kids at the moment but instead all I get is a load of greif and no practicle or financial help.

I really dont know how to deal with it. there are a lot of issues that need discussing but it would be impossible to do it via txt and if I call him she chips in in the back ground.
Idealy I would like to be able to sit and have a cival conversation with him about the kids without arguing but he would not be allowed to do this.

Feel like im about to go mad!!!

[missingtheaction]

Very hard to know what to say. Lots going on here.

Starting at the top - be on time, especially if he is always on time. I know it's only half an hour and these things happen but you know what bedtime is like with small dcs. at least phone and give lots of warning.

He might have thought you asking abotu what they had to eat etc was covert criticsm, not normal mum care and concern. It's not a big issue - when they are with him they are with him, he obviously cares for them well. Irritating but don't let it build into something big.

Don't blame his gf - although she may be stirring it, rise above. You have many many years of this ahead of you.

Of course he is charming when he wants a favour. He is your x. Dream of strangling him.

If you can possibly meet to agreee some ground rules that would be good - but that will mean you may not have it all your way. He may see the 'how many nappies did you change and what was in them' stuff really trivial and unimportant.

If you are depressed all this is going to be yet another burden to bear, of course. It's a really really tough situation, I've been there and you have my every sympathy.

Can you arrange to meet without GF? after all, you and he are the parents, not her.

So sorry this is so tough.

[Fluffybubble]

Can you email him Charlotte? I found that easier than trying to get any info out of ex during pick up / drop off... From what I can recall from your situation, your exp is not the most sensitive or reliable bloke... I imagine that he got it in the neck if you were late and it is easier to take it out on you, even though he is pretty often in the wrong himself.

It's frustrating but you have the higher moral ground - you have made huge efforts to allow him (and his gf!) reasonable access. Can you say to him that you need an idea of the food and sleep the dc have had as they are both so young, and that this won't be so much of an issue when they're a bit older? My ds will now come home and say that he hasn't had tea or whatever...

You may also be eligible for free mediation sessions which might be worth finding out about, as it is a kind of formal chat about the children session, which is just between the two of you and a mediator. It is not legally binding, it just allows you to discuss your concerns / arrangements in a neutral setting, and it is documented which is quite handy for referring back to. You can also return to mediation at anytime if any new concerns arise. Your exp may also be able to attend for free, depending on his income. If you can persuade him that this may be to his advantage (that you can sort things out longer term and both know where you stand), then he might agree?

Don't underestimate it if you are feeling down too - take a deep breath, think 'what a w**ker', have some chocolate and an early night .