Any other total lone parents? No father involved at all etc??

[sleepylion]

Hi there,

I just posted a very long post, and thought I should add a second post to draw the attention of other mums who are completely going it alone.

I've come to realise there are several forms of single parenthood, but in this forum they're all jumbled up.

My daughters father has not been in the picture at all since I became pregnant, apart from a couple of disasterous attempts to involve him. But it's a no-go. He's a total alcoholic, pig-minded, rude and selfish idiot wit no place in his life for a child.

I know there are many mums on this forum who maintain some kind of relationship with their ex, or with the father of their child/children. So this means their child/ren have a father figure, in some shape or form. And that maybe as mums they have some kind of relief, either by sharing child care occasionally, or financial responsibility.

How many mums are there on mumsnet who go it totally alone in every respect? Could we please get together on here?

Thanks,

Lou

[littlelamb]

I think in many respects it is easier to go it alone, as you don't have an ex messing you around! I am sorry you are having a hard time. I don't know about others but I know I am reluctant to post on the lone parent board purely because there have been some very unpleasant characters trolling here looking for vulnerable people I hope someone more helpful comes along for you soon

[lou33]

i have an exh who periodically causes grief for me, but doesnt help in any way at all with the kids, financially or practically

i dont have any family around to help either

exh is an alcoholic and cant even look after himself let alone the children

i guess it would be nice to have someone i could haven over to fromt ime to time to get myself a break, but i dont have hte option, so i just do my best

[GreenGables]

I also parent alone - no input from DC's father at all. I prefer it in our case because there is nobody to mess the children about, in an ideal world they would have a most wonderfully doting, loving, and hands on father - one whom I dream of marrying one day, when I find just such a person...

[lou33]

i dont dream of marrying anyone, once was enough for me

[kdk]

My DTs father was a waste of space when we were together - and not much better when we split when they were six months old.

He has since been deported so bar the odd phone call has had nothing to do with the children either financially or emotionally.

As Lou33 says, I would sometimes love being able to hand them over to someone else for a bit of me time but that's not the way it is, at least not for the moment and I would rather it this way then having him around letting the kids down and being a pita.

[sleepylion]

thanks for all your messages! This feels really positive to be connecting with other mums with the same experience. And to know you all feel your children are being spared the grief of an unloving and unreliable father. Because that's what I try to tell myself too.

Would you all mind sharing something else with me? I'd like to know what you told your children when they became old enough to understand that other children have a mum and a dad. I'm dreading that day. Even thinking about it makes me want to cry.

Thanks again for sharing and bless you all. I hope to see more and more mothers joining this discussion.

Lou x

[oldraver]

I am sorta totally alone. My sons father has absolutely nothing to do with him (his choice) I had always planned to bring DS up on my own but his father had agreed to be 'around' for when DS wanted to know who is is. He has totally gone back on this and in his own words... " Nah, dont want to know, not now, not in the future, not ever. I dont even want him turning up on my doorstep when he's 18, as I can do without the hassle".... So I think its fair to say I'm on my own. We hadn't even spoken for over 18 months till two weeks ago when he called out the blue. Still no "how is DS"

I would like my son to be able to know who is Father is if he wishes and an ideal situation would be for him to want to have a relationship with him, but I know he is so totally unreliable he would be constantly letting DS down

I did get some money via the CSA last month but dont hold out any hope of anymore.To be honest its not now a huge issue more of a stubborness thing on my part. I wa svery disappointed that my son has had nothing bought him by his father, not a teddy or keepsake at all. I mena even friends bought things for when DS was born and his birthday/ Christmas etc

[retiredgoth2]

....I am, I confess, in possession of a 'Y' chromosone.

However, yes, I have been a very lone parent indeed of four unruly urchins since Mrs Goth snuffed it in 2006.

....there are a myriad of different personal situations that get lumped under the 'lone parent' banner. Each has advantages and disadvantages. I certainly think that I would very much like there to be someone else to share the stresses, pleasures and choices of parenthood.

.....However it is plain that this can cause conflicts in itself. I am very glad not to have the problems of access, finance, and conflicting opinion on childcare that seem to dog many posters here.

The occasional night off would be welcome, though...

...I did have several pithy and amusing comments. However these have been driven from my consciousness by twin urchins, who are badgering me to fashion them some fajitas (plainly not satisfied by the large roast I furnished them with earlier). They are immune to 'Daddy is busy' blandishments, so I must tend to their culinary requests pronto....

[oldraver]

Goth.... I dotn think there can ever be an 'up' side to becoming a single parent through bereavement but I have felt myself in the past with DS1 thinking..... well I dont have to go through all the different trauma's that other single parents go through, as you say the access etc (well apart from moaning from the IL'S). Its final and the way forward is forged by you and your dc's, not by a twatty ex

[sleepylion]

Wow retired got, you're doing a wonderful and fine job and those urchins will be best proud of you one day for sure. Youre right there are so many variations tat fall under the lone parent banner, which is why I wanted to start this thread. You're is again, quite another senario, and it must have come with a whole other set of emotions, particularly at the start when you lost mrs goth.

Old raver that's a confronting thing you must have been facing lately, and very undesirable behaviour from your sons father. I totally agree with that you say about the child being let down, and this was always one of my number one concerns when I tried to see if I could include my daughters father in her life. I was scared it would be messy and inconsistent. IN a way now, Im happy he showed himself to be consistently negative in all respects, because at least now my decision to cut out any further contact is a clear one, and I know I'm protecting her from emotional harm in the future.

I hope we can share many more expereinces on here.

Hats off to you all!

Lou

[oldraver]

Hiya Loula... I think what really galls me (and I think other Parents judging by posts Ive seen on single parent forums) is that they can be the absent parent while it suits them, then just swan back into their life whenever it suits. Of course my gut would be to say ... You're gonna mess DS about and would prefer that not to happen.. but I know that deep down will always do what I think whats best for my DC's and that we would promote the relationship with the absent parent. Witht he possible result of the child being let down and hurt. Courts also seem to take the attitude of contact at all costs. Ive been the child waiting for hours on end for an absent parent to turn up and I dont wnat that for my lo

The bugger phoned again yesterday.. to 'talk', but is not available today for ME to talk to him

[onlyjoking9329]

in some ways i expect it is harder to have an mostly absent parent who is useless/unhelpful/abusive.
i think i would be bitter in that situation really.
There are many ways people become lone parents and they are all hard. My DH died in june so i am a lone parent to our three and jsut doing the getting throu the day stuff for me and the kids at the moment with no family back up at all, i guess i am lucky that i don't have a lot of the difficulties many people on here have to deal with.

[juicychops]

hi im totally alone. ds dad has had nothing to with him since he was 11 months. he's now 4. he only lives 5 mins up the road but just ignores the fact he has a son. he has literally walked past us in the street and completely blanked ds.
better off without him anyway, he was a shit dad for that first 11 months and he prob will still be. he's a total looser - quit his job just so he doesn't have to pay CSA and he is now a jobless druggie who lives with his parents and he now has another son he doesn't see

i hate him with a passion for the hurt my ds may experience in the future and i always will.

rant over!!

[poshsinglemum]

My ex is in Iran and apparently cannot get out of the country due to passport difficulties. (he says.) I don't know what to believe any more. I am happy that I can make all the decisions without consulting him and I am thrilled that I never have to see him. A bit sad for dd tho.

[onlywantsone]

My DD's biological father doesnt have any thing to do with her at the moment, hasnt for 7 months and its glorious. (Just dreading the day I get served court papers)

[Unlikelyamazonian]

Yep totally alone. Ds's dad - my husband of five years - disappeared abroad to shag whores 8 months ago. No family of my own anywhere near to help at all, and h's family have disappeared up their own righteous arses.

After the black hole of the first few months I am back on my feet-ish and loving just being alive. Because it very nearly killed me.

Money (not nearly enough of it) and time (nobody to give me a break though ds does go to CM while I clean for a living) are my main concerns - after first and foremost, either myself or Ds being ill.

I am bloody ancient too. But god and I happy the weirdo (as he turned out to be) is gone. If he ever turns up he will have access to his son Over My Dead Body. Don't care what any court in the land says.

But yes, also dreading how to explain it all to ds when he asks.

[sleepylion]

thanks everyone. This is turning out to be a very worthwhile thread I feel. It shows how many of us totally lone parents are out there, and whats interesting is that there is a range of diversity as to the reasons for this. Yet we all face exactly the same obstacles, both paractical and emotional.

Here in Amsterdam I just started up my own online network for single mums. I hope I see it growing thick and fast. After a year of being a lone parent, I now suddenly feel very isolated and alone, when I try to mix with mums who have partners. Theres a large element I just feel they cannot, or don't know how, to relate to. And I feel excluded in a lot of things, like for example when they swap numbers so they can take it in turns to babysit in the evenings. It's awkward. Because I know I cant return the favour - if I was to babysit for them Id have to bring my daughter along with me!

The realities of how very little respite there is are really setting in. I guess somehow I hoped that by having a positive mental attitude, things would just naturally evolve and open up, and that after a while I would feel on an even ground with all the other families. But it has gone the other way. I feel left by the wayside. In a group of mums, I feel like a spare part. Suddenly I also see my child seems to have some behavioural problems, and she is just far more eratic, impulsive, and harsh with the other ones of her one year agegroup, and won't let me talk. I worry so deeply about the fact that she never saw anyone giving me affection. So she's not able to learn by example. And so when I try to show her things like being gentle, she has zero time for it, only furstration. Im so scared of the impact of her not sharing itamacy with anoyone else but me. If we are in the company of a man, she laps up the attention and comes to life, seemingly happier than ever. It makes me feel so sad, as I draw the conclusion its exactly what she's missing. And there is also a much more exciting dynamic going on when there is a triangle, as opposed to just the two of us. My personality comes alive too, and she senses it and likes it. To be honest, a lot of the time I feel my personality is flat when Im with her. Because theres never anyone to break up that one-on-one communication. And noone for me to spark off, in terms of ideas, humor etc. God. There is so much I feel is missing. And it makes me want to weep uncontrollably. But I'm holding it all in.

I feel the need to bond with other single parents, if only so that I don;t feel like Im insane to have these thoughts! Is there anyone out there that can relate to any of what I've said? Feedback on any kind would fill a void of understanding.

Thanks,

Lou

[geordie83]

Hi - I'm currently pregnant and the dad was a one night stand who I didn't see again afterwards. I am sometimes really scared about being alone but other times I think I will be fine and might be better off than some people who have dodgy exs in the picture.

[susia]

Hi, I am a single parent and my son has never seen his father. We split up when I was pregnant and I haven't been able to contact him since.

My son is now 5. I have been able to get myself together from nearly having a breakdown when I was pregnant. I moved to be near my parents and have made a new life for myself in the town where I grew up. I was in the very fortunate position of having had previously a very well paid job which meant I had paid off my mortgage on my flat so I was able to buy a house without a mortgage which meant I was able to go back to work part time. If it hadn't been for that I don't know how I would have coped.

5 years on, I have a nice house, a much lower paid but flexible, part time job for a local authority and have friends and a reasonable life.

However, life is lonely, my son would love a dad and having any kind of social life (even taking any exercise) is very difficult. I go on very few dates as having a babysitter is very expensive, I am at risk of redundancy at the moment and very worried as my job is ideal for our situation. I spend almost every evening on my own and although I have friends what I long for is a social life, being able to see friends in the evenings, go for a drink, meet men and maybe meet someone.

Financially it is hard. Although I am better off that some, my money doesn't go far and I can't afford things like holidays.

I am very aware that I am alone, times like when I am ill is very, very hard. Last year I had pneumonia and it was absolutely awful. Having even a rubbish ex would be better than nothing.

But there are positives, I have a wonderful, close relationship with my son. I have some kind friends and I also know that these are the hard years and that even now things are easier than they were a few years ago. In a few years time, I will be able to work longer hours and earn more, will be able to go out more, life will get easier...

[SOLOisMeredithGrey]

I have with Ds, but unfortunately, Dd's father wants in. I'd find it far easier if he buggered off entirely.

[cheltenhamgal]

hi I am so glad I logged on this morning, I have had such a stressfull morning with my dd and now feel that I am not alone. I was with my exP for two years when I fell pregnant with dd, she was nearly 3 when he walked out. ExP was a violent alcoholic who has no interest in either of his four children(3 by 2 other mothers)so over the past 6 and a half years I have had no support whatsover emotionally or financially.
I have to be good cop and bad cop although it mostly feels like bad cop xxx

[pinguthepenguin]

Hi Loulahoop

Your thread struck a chord with me. Our situations are different in that my 22month old DD's father is involved, but I do still find the daily slog just that - a slog. I find it very hard to see the 'joy' of parenthood that everyone raves about and wonder when this joy will ever bestow itself upon me. All I seem to focus on is how hard and isolating I find it. I simply do not know how I would cope if I had to do it without help from her father, so I take my hat off to those of you who do.
I have friends, but they rarely come near me from monday to friday- its almost like they see the way I slog it out from monday-sat and just dont want to get involved, preferring instead to give me a call when DD goes to her dad. I also have a boyf, but tbh, we lead very separate lives when it comes to DD.
I find the isolation truly crippling, despite being a usually cheerful and outgoing person. I have some weekends off, so I know I am way luckier than most, but going to my empty house at the end of every day and realsing that I can't even go and get a pint of milk if I need to feels like total, all consuming incarceration.
As I write this I realise how negative it sounds, and I truly wish I could see things differently.
I have quite a demading full-time job, and I'm actually about to take on a promotion, which is scaring the hell out of me as there are some days when I can barely cope now.

All I ever seem to do is regret, regret, regret, which of course, compounds my guilt.

Sorry, I've probably made you feel worse.

[SOLOisMeredithGrey]

Pingu, it's awful that you feel like this and I certainly understand those feelings.
I'm no expert at all, but it does sound like you could do with a few counselling sessions. I can't stay on here now, but will probably be back later on tonight. kind

[sleepylion]

Hello everyone, I've just logged on for the first time in ages. Thanks for all your replies. It makes me want to reach out and be with you all, as I long to just share the company of those that understand, Not so much so that I can sit around and wallow in it, just because I feel the ground would be level and I wouldnt have to keep up any appearances at any given moment!

Pingu - your loneliness speaks volumes and susia your realities fit with my expectations.

The loneliness is I think the hardest. There are deep feelings of loss I think that underline our everyday existence. I just feel so incredibly frustrated most of the time that there is not a support group around for this kind of experience. I live in The Netherlands and I know of nothing here. And it's true - being within the 4 walls of a house every eveniing and not being able to pay a baysitter. I wonder if it will ever end. Added to it all I'm stuck in the benefit rut, with no savings, and I just want a way out and a bighter future for me and my beautiful girl. But how to get out and about, and meet people in a relaxed state? I haven't been out of this house in over a year after 7 p.m. I feel like I'm so tired of my own company, and have wasted so much time on an empty yet thrilling sexual relationship with a man that adores my daughter but he is a criminal no-hoper, and the attraction has been so addictive and has filled so many voids in my life and saved me from so many hours of loneliness that every time I tried to give it up I failed. I want to do it to protect my daughter. I just feel sometimes it's all an ever decreasing circle and I wonder where I have gone to. I want to break free. But most of all I want to share my daughter with someone. I feel not enough for her and uninspired so much of the time. Even just being a fun person for her to be with is hard. I run out of ideas to play because I'm not motivated unless I share times with her and someone else. It's like that feeds my creativity. Can anyone relate to that?
When I feel like there is noone to share her company with, and I know tomorrow will be the same, and the next day, then I just lind of dry up, and find myself staring into space. It's awful. I come alive when I share. That's it. I can't get away from it. I feel so much despair right now....and eating all the wrong foods to feel better just makes me feel worse.

Susia I know what you mean about illness. I was in hospital in November with gall bladder attacks and it was the worst expereince ever not being able to take care of my daughter. A friend that helped me out by looking after her later turned on me calling me a victim and said I had done the wrong thing by my child. Jesus! This has given me such a low opinion of what I will encounter in the future as far as basic human understanding goes - she has a partner and a child, she has no bloody idea. We are no longer friends.

I could go on and on. Im off for a shower. PLease, keep on telling your stories. It's sad we all have to go through this, but at least we have each other, in some kind of remote way!

Lou :-(