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Lone parents

I am the only person to resent my ex-husband's lifestyle?

23 replies

Nothernbird · 05/02/2009 09:43

Hi - I'm new to this but just wondered if I'm the only person who resents their ex's lifestyle ? We split up nearly 2 years ago now and have 2 children, who live with me but visit their dad every other weekend and stay one night a week with him, which seems to work well for everyone involved. When we split up, I discovered he had quite significant debts that he'd kept hidden from me, but he is still able to go out and buy sports cars, designer clothes, go on holiday at the drop of a hat and then has the nerve to complain that childcare costs are too high, and that things are tight financially for him. I feel he's living the lifestyle he always wanted (playboy aspirations !!), has the added bonus of seeing his kids for a couple of days at a time and not having to deal with the day-to-day situations that crop up with them and family life in general. I'm in a new relationship and I think this resentment is starting to affect that. Someone tell me to pull myself together ! I know I'm not in a bad situation by any means...

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SheherazadetheGoat · 05/02/2009 09:49

if it helps, his life sounds rather shallow and empty and you have 2 lovely kids.

tell him firmly you are sick of his whinging on about money could he just pay his share and shut up.

mileniwmffalcon · 05/02/2009 09:54

presumably he's still living on credit - not an enviable position at all right now i'd have thought.

BonsoirAnna · 05/02/2009 09:56

It sounds as if your ex-H is rather irresponsible . And you are quite right to feel resentful if you thing that your ex-H cherry picks his life so that he gets all the money and fun and you get all the responsibilities and chores.

What parenting responsibilities does your ex-H have? Sometimes ex-H's are more like grandparents than parents with their own children, all fun and no responsibilities. Is that your ex-H?

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 05/02/2009 09:56

It's not going to last much longer for him, is it? He'll end up bankrupt if he's in debt and still borrowing money: console yourself with that thought

sincitylover · 05/02/2009 10:13

my dcs have noticed the vast gap between their lifestyle with me and the lifestyle my exH has with his new partner and I have to try and explain it to them.

But even exH said to me 'he doesn't bring much to the table' of his new relationship.

It is hard explaining to DCs though.

I do feel a bit resentful but not really. Initially I was more resentful of his freedom but he doesn't even really have that any more. He moved on very very quickly to a new relationship.

Nothernbird · 05/02/2009 10:14

Thanks all. BonsoirAnna, you're exactly right - feels just like he's a grandparent. He says he wants to be an active father, and he is very good with the kids, but he doesn't have that day-to-day stuff. And I am incredibly lucky to have 2 lovely kids - wouldn't swap them for the world.

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sincitylover · 05/02/2009 11:27

yes mine's like a grandfather or uncle. The usual routine is for him to see them every other weekend for 24hours and one night during the week if he's not working away.

And that is usually accompanied by attempts by him to sabotage any free time or extra time at work I spend.

Doesn't help that hes quite old.

Was mistaken for grandfather right from the start. he also now has two new DCs to deal with as well as ours.

Nothernbird · 05/02/2009 11:34

Yeah, that's the other thing with my ex - if he's got a business trip or something, he just expects me to look after the kids on 'his night' during the week, which of course I don't mind doing, but seems like the boot is never on the other foot - I've had to turn down business meetings because I know I've got the kids to look after.

I guess it just feels that I'm more geared up and committed to looking after the kids because I do it all the time. And it is restricting, but I would rather be there for my kids.

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sincitylover · 05/02/2009 11:40

yes it has never worked both ways for us - when we were together and now we are not.

I can't count the number of times he has said to me (usually through gritted teeth) 'it's my job!!' when I have taken issue with something.

But it has never worked the other way round. The other sad irony is that when DCs were small he used to arrive home when he felt like it (more so on a Friday) and now he is on the blower to me on his night asking me where I am - because he can't wait to get away and get back to his new DP.

sincitylover · 05/02/2009 11:40

yes it has never worked both ways for us - when we were together and now we are not.

I can't count the number of times he has said to me (usually through gritted teeth) 'it's my job!!' when I have taken issue with something.

But it has never worked the other way round. The other sad irony is that when DCs were small he used to arrive home when he felt like it (more so on a Friday) and now he is on the blower to me on his night asking me where I am - because he can't wait to get away and get back to his new DP.

Nothernbird · 05/02/2009 11:50

Actually when we were together, he used to arrive home late, usually after the kids were in bed, or just as they were going to bed (ie none of the bath-time, bed-time hassle!). But he seems to be better now, although he does still struggle with time-keeping (but usually on a Sunday when he drops them off - he'll be half an hour late with no explanation. And I know it's only half an hour, but it seems a long time when you haven't seen your kids for 2 days!).

Feel like I'm just having an all out rant now...

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BonsoirAnna · 05/02/2009 13:22

"Yeah, that's the other thing with my ex - if he's got a business trip or something, he just expects me to look after the kids on 'his night' during the week."

This is not OK. Contact/access arrangements should only be changed for exceptional reasons. One parent is not the babysitter for the other.

MadameCastafiore · 05/02/2009 13:24

He sounds like my XH - shallow and empty life with me seeing our daughter grow and being there for her on a day to day basis.

You really have the better deal.

PurpleOne · 05/02/2009 13:33

Oh, I could rant so much!

Nothernbird · 05/02/2009 13:49

Go on PurpleOne!

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Nothernbird · 05/02/2009 13:55

In all seriousness, it's nice to know that I'm not being completely unreasonable and intolerant.

But, that doesn't stop me from resenting his lifestyle... I find it hard when he drops the kids off and he's wearing new jeans, driving a new car (or his girlfriends car). He's generous with the kids at least - buys them expensive clothes (they're only 2 and 4 so they get functional stuff from me!), takes them nice places, does fun activities with them (all with said girlfriend in tow - we all know an extra pair of hands helps!).

I guess I just need to move on and forget about him and his lifestyle - any suggestions as to how to go about it?

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PurpleOne · 05/02/2009 14:03

Nb, I too have a late arriver. He can be 2 hrs late sometimes but as soon as it's time to drop off, he's on the doorstep on the dot.

All his endless exotic holidays he takes. The past year alone, he's been to the Maldives, Egypt and Sri Lanka. He's off to Turkey in the summer. Do the DD's get taken on holiday with him? NO!

He's also managing to finance 3 cars and a taxi, plus his mortgage on his ex council house. (I am fuming about that one, we've been private renting for over 6 years waiting on the list. He gets married,moves into one and buys it)
His endless visits to wine bars and sushi bars...

All I get is a paltry £16 a week off him, Friday evening break for about 3 hours, and a flea in the ear from our Social worker, where he's been ragging on to her about me.

The final straw came when he said that if anything ever happened to me, then he wouldn't be taking custody of them!!!

Bastard!

Nothernbird · 05/02/2009 14:12

Oh my lord, PurpleOne - that last bit is shocking! Imagine not wanting to look after your own kids! It amazes me what some people (and not always just men) are like!).

Mine is taking them on holiday this year, so can't really complain. Actually, reading your message, I feel like I shouldn't really be complaining at all.

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skramble · 05/02/2009 15:23

It gets to me that exH is probably paying very little n rent and bills but on the other hand he moved in with his GF who still lives with her Mum [snigger], must be cosy for them, bugger it my life is much much better withmy children and without him.

hayley2u · 05/02/2009 15:30

my ex partner is very like that couldnt afford child maitenance but bought a new house flash car and holidays, grrr

PurpleOne · 05/02/2009 18:01

exDH has passed a message onto me via DD1 earlier, saying that he's not taking the girls tomorrow as they both have colds!
Well, so do I and I still managed to get into work today.
But it's ok for him to have his contact (as I've never prevented him having that) and slobber all over the DD's when he had Glandular Fever.

24hrs notice is not acceptable. I hate it when he can't be arsed in telling me, and relays messages thru the DD's
And I'm supposed to be going on a date tomorrow evening.

Is there a redeeming quality about him? Lol, I'll have to think long and hard about that one. Guess that's why we're divorced cos I couldn't tolerate the debts and his selfsh lifestyle anymore. He used to work days but when the DC's came along, he would work nights instead and sleep all day

twinsetandpearls · 05/02/2009 18:07

I used to have this with my ex, dd life with him involved doing lots of things we could not afford, houses with swimming pools and tennis courts, designer clothes and his place in Knightsbridge.

He had the cars, clothes, holidays etc and I was living in temporary accomodation on benefits.

Roll forward a good few years though and he is bankrupt and relies very much on the goodwill of others.

I would also not swap my life for his rather shallow one, it did take me a while to realise that though.

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Nothernbird · 05/02/2009 19:55

I wonder how this is how it will end for my ex too twinset.

I feel much more positive about his life vs my life now.

I am not that badly off financially, but don't want to fritter money away in case he does end up bankrupt and is unable to pay maintenance (and what would I do with a sports car with 2 kids anyway!). Perhaps if he does go bankrupt, I'll offer to buy his sportscar from him then?!

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