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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Do I let this go?

20 replies

northstar · 07/04/2005 09:18

I am so annoyed with exp. We have an arrangement that i drop ds into his house (his parents house as he lives at home) on a Wednesday at 5.30pm. Well, when i dropped ds in his mum answered the door which is very surprising as she normally avoids me during these visits. Ds was hanging back a bit, asking where's my daddy, but she told him to run down to him in the sitting room.
When i returned at 7.30 to collect ds exp's parents both came to the door, putting on his shoes etc...... and it turns out exp WAS NOT THERE ATALL yesterday
I am angry that he wasnt there, but more angry that his mum lied to ds, (therefore making me part of the subterfuge in ds's eyes by telling him daddy was inside) and myself. I asked them could i speak to exp and they mumbled that they would get him to phone me. Do i let this go? Ds was ok with them, had a nice dinner and lots of interaction with his grandparents but like i said i dislike the deception.

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Bugsy2 · 07/04/2005 10:24

The deception is out of order. The arrangement is for your ds to see his father not his grandparents. The fact that you son enjoyed his afternoon is really irrelevant to the basic point.
I think you need to either write or speak to exp and point out that the arrangement is for a visit with him & that if he is not going to be there, then the arrangement no longer stands. If a different arrangement is made for a visit to grandparents from time to time, then that is an entirely separate manner.
I think you should request confirmation that he will be there next Wednesday before you take your ds to the house as well.

Bugsy2 · 07/04/2005 10:25

separate "matter" not manner!!!!!

coppertop · 07/04/2005 10:49

He's not being very fair on ds. He was obviously expecting to see his dad and no doubt looking forward to it.

I would make it clear that although you don't mind ds spending the day with his grandparents you need to know in advance so that you can let ds know what is happening.

DillyDally · 07/04/2005 10:51

You can't not mention it
Your ds has expectations and ex is out of order to let him down
As a minimum I would ask him not let down his ds again.

Caligula · 07/04/2005 10:55

Typical. So many absent fathers demand contact with their children, then palm them off onto their parents because they don't really want the work of looking after kids, they just want to say they have contact and are good fathers!

There's nothing wrong with him spending time with his grandparents as long as he knows that's what he's going to do. It's just not on to pretend he's going to see his dad and then Dad's not there. Shitty way to treat a child. What a shower.

Luscious · 07/04/2005 12:31

try talking, but if happens again mgo to a solicitor.

thats awfull epsecially for his parents to lie to ur ds.

northstar · 07/04/2005 12:33

Thanx. I am so because i am the one who had to listen to ds (3 next wk AND ON A WEDNESDAY ffs!!) asking "where's my daddy" all the way home and all day today. It is 12.30 and he has still not contacted me although I specifically asked his mum to get him to contact me. Things were going smoothly(ish) for the first time since ds was born, but tbh i knew he'd always be **ing up but I feel that this is HIM rocking the boat not me.

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northstar · 07/04/2005 21:50

exp is supposed to let me know by Wednesday whether he is seeing ds on the Saturday or the Sunday each week, he STILL hasnt phoned ....... I cant make any plans. I dont think I should phone him after the way he let ds down on Wednesday. I am tempted to just not be around at the weekend, but that is lowering myself to his standard isnt it?

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tammybear · 07/04/2005 21:57

hi northstar, i was thinking of you the other day and seeing if you were alright. sorry to hear ex is being like this. how are things otherwise?

northstar · 07/04/2005 22:04

Hey tb, good to hear from you. I'm really good thanx - well considering im 35wks pg and big as a house. I'm really njoying this pg and dp is so nice to have around. Ds will be 3 next wed and he knows, keeps talking about his birthday and getting a big farm - hope i can find one now LOL. Sorry to read about all the shit with your ex dp, saw a thread about your second date with new man but just had no time to read or post this week. Seems to take ages just to get throught the day. Hope all is good with you and your dd?

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Caligula · 07/04/2005 22:06

NS, I would just phone him and say that you need to know by xday what day he is seeing him on so that you can plan your w/e. If he doesn't let you know, you'll assume either that he's not seeing DS and build that into your plans, or that he's seeing him on xday. Then of course, it'll be the wrong day, and he'll whinge that you're denying him access.

What arses these ghastly men are.

tammybear · 07/04/2005 22:07

ooo you're almost there glad to hear things are good. happy birthday to your ds me and dd are good. started new job this week which gives me more hours in the afternoon to spend with dd when shes finished nursery. havent heard from xdp for a while now, feels like ages, but last time was easter monday which wasnt that long ago really.

northstar · 07/04/2005 22:09

Caligula, thank you and yes they bloody are! WTF do we run around after them trying to make them do the right thing by our lo's? Ds sat in his bedroom this morning on his toy phone saying "where are you daddy you not there". He's suffering, I'm suffering but you can bet that exp isn't

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Luscious · 07/04/2005 22:14

what a git.

i say plan ur weekend. note down u told him to arrange by wed and still hasnt contacted and do the same next week. write everything down in a diary dates and all incl last week.

itll stand u in good sead.

if he rings tomorrow tell him its too late and u went and arranged something else, these pathetic aholes need to realise if they want to see their children they arrange it with us in time and do not let them down or it wont happen.

good luck hun

Caligula · 07/04/2005 23:05

Oh but Luscious, don't you know that doing things on our terms is a breach of their human rights? The whole point of contact for them is that it's got to be on their terms. One of the major complaints of these twats is that they are actually expected to co-operate with us; and as they haven't learned to co-operate with us while they were actually living with us, the idea that they will be willing to learn to do so now they're not, is nice but unlikely...

QueenEagle · 07/04/2005 23:30

Had similar with exh. Promised to meet kids never turned up that sort of thing. I kept diary of all the broken arrangements and other stuff and used it against him in the divorce courts. I still have them and will keep them to show my kids what an arsehole he was when they are grown up as they are too young to rememmebr him much just yet.

Caligula · 07/04/2005 23:40

QE, did they take any notice of you in the divorce courts? When you presented the diary? (Am just curious - I've heard different things about this.)

northstar · 08/04/2005 14:53

IME it's often a case of your word against theirs though, don't you think? He finally phoned this afternoon and said he'd take ds tomorrow. I said ds was very disappointed at not seeing him on wednesday and all he said was "oh, well i was disappointed at not being there myself" I mean wtf? He is an adult, ds is 2!
AAAAAAAGH! Anyway thanx for listening x

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Luscious · 09/04/2005 22:36

r u letting him have ds?

coz id tell him plans had been made n hed have to make arrangements for next weekend by wed.

and on the diary thing id like to know if they took it seriously coz im doing that now.

x

hatsoff · 09/04/2005 23:59

northstar - I'm so angry on your and your ds's behalf. IMO it is unforgiveable to let children down. My parents divorced and I would have coped fine if my father hadn't repeatedly let me down (forgetting (or ignoring?) my 13th birthday was his all time low and 20 years later I still can't actually really think about it cos I'd collapse in a heap). Your dh needs to know that if he doesn't buck his ideas up he will have to live with knowing he's hurting his own son. he will also lose out enormously himself. He could end up (like mine) barely knowing him and barely knowing his own grandchildren. I only post in such a personal way cos I feel so angry and coz maybe you can use it to help him see what he's doing.

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