Ex rings me when he has DSs to complain to me about their behaviour and I am not happy

[wintercitylover]

Right will try to be succint - I get very little free time - my exH has DSs every other weekend for abt 24hrs and sees them abt 3 hrs on one weekday (he picks DS2 from school).

He puts pressure me to get home from work by abt 6 (continually ringing) on the weekday evening and DSs see that he can't wait to get out the door.

Last night he rang me going on abt their behaviour, today three hours after I dropped them off he rang saying they need to see a psychiatrist. He is very school teacherish and pompous in his style. It's like he is blaming me for the way they behave.

Fine I am happy to see whether they need counselling but fgs he refused to go to Relate and I suspect that any counsellor would want to see all of us.

Together they are a handful because they argue and fight alot - at school or individually there are no issues.

He criticises them heavily in front of them. He has never been very loving (which I told him) towards them (or was never to me either) and I think they seek his attention even if it is negative.

He has alot on his plate - he has new DCs (babies). is living in his new DPs house (DCs say to me he has changed).

Regarding DS1 (Year 7) I think he is totally out of touch - his friends parents (who I talk to often) are having probs with their DSs (whether they are two parent or single parent) - combination of preteen hormones and transition to secondary school.

I am willing to talk to exH about his 'complaints' but do resent him offloaing to me in my limited free time.

Sometimes I don't answer the phone but of course have no way of knowing what he is ringing about.

[wintercitylover]

What I am having difficulty is working out whether this is just more controlling and bullying behaviour from ex or whether I have to get past that and work with him on this issue.

[PurpleOne]

When my exh has the DDs for his limited time - I unplug my phone and turn my mobile off. Really relish my free time.

When exh moans about DDs behaviour, if he is not willing to help me with it, then he has to 'put up and shut up'. Trouble is, with my exh, he hasn't a clue about discipline. Some of his ways are quite drconian, and don't even get me going on his wifes form of discipline!

Rather than moaning about it, he should be helping you. New DC's or not.

[wintercitylover]

Yes I think I am going to adopt the not answering the phone tactic.

I think my exH has totally unrealistic expectations of them.

[gigglinggoblin]

if he wants to work with you about it tell him you will discuss it after he has dropped the kids off. then if he cant wait to get out of the house you know he isnt that bothered.

[wintercitylover]

that's another thing - he doesn't drop them off - I take them over and collect them usually.

I don't go in his house - never been invited in or introduced to new DP!!!

I did meet him for lunch a while back but it was very unconstructive.

I suggested he found a counsellor or psychiatrist.

jeez he is such an arsehole

[gigglinggoblin]

stop letting him be an arse then. stand up for yourself. only way to do it.

[wintercitylover]

oh i don't just take it!! Verbally I am always coming back at him but prob need to follow that with action.

I am just so fed up with it all.

[wintercitylover]

I think what is telling is when he warned me yesterday that they had better behave today (and according to him they haven't) because he and DP have the other DCs to look after. To which I said they are all your DCs FFS

[wintercitylover]

I think what is telling is when he warned me yesterday that they had better behave today (and according to him they haven't) because he and DP have the other DCs to look after. To which I said they are all your DCs FFS

[mashedup]

He is trying to get to you. I used to have this problem with my ex. He used to shout at our DCs and treat them like they were dogs. He would constantly criticise them and tell me that he had taught them new things as the school they attended was useless and so was I. This was rubbish. I used to praise them and help with any problems they had. At times, they got into fights at school, swore, and used to fight each other, but other parents I spoke to, were having the same problems.
I used to worry that they would turn into vandals but they are now in their late teens, never been in trouble, doing well at school, and are planning their careers.
Their dad was unreliable in seeing them when they were younger, never bought presents, and now they very rarely see him.
He knows they are doing ok, and hates it. He always told me they would end up in care with me as a mother. Well, I hate to gloat, but I've managed nearly 12 years without him.
Does your ex expect too much from your DCs, I think some people don't have the patience for kids.

[wintercitylover]

Thanks mashed up. I was talking with other mums in RL this morning and all are having probs with their 12 yr olds atm.

It's just the veiled (and sometimes overt) criticism that is hard to take. I believe its a control thing and subconcious attempt to encroach on my tiny bit of free time. He used to do this when we were married - vent dump it all on me and then withdraw when I tried to discuss further.

Yes he does find children hard in general to deal with plus he is quite old so that doesn't help. His new DP also seems (from what DCs tell me) very 'proper' which prob is also hard for him.

I am completely different to that in my approach. Not that I'll tolerate any old crap from them but not xtreme and don't sweat the small stuff. I think his expectations of them are too high. He is out of touch.

Anyway they are back now and were calm for most of the evening.

[wintercitylover]

same old crap tonite. He has been looking after DCs and again I have had a mouthful from him about their behaviour and the state of my house!!

Told him he can take them to his if its such a problem.

His pattern is to dump on me and then be ok and not take any steps to fix the problems he identifies.

Aaaaaaargh

[mamas12]

To use my newly discovered mn word 'twunt' hey first time I've written it down.
I repeat a mantra that works for me and am actively encouraging all women (or others) to use 'DO NOT ENGAGE' Do not look him in the eye, walk away from the *^$"! Go to the toilet or something and put your fingers in your ears if you need to. Try to start talking when you are ready to talk even if it's the next day or the next hour, on your terms, try to wrest control for the start time. Give him the information you need to give him and say 'okay bye' and hang up. DO NOT ENGAGE with anything else.
Your mental health will bloom. I promise.

[edam]

He's a nasty little bully. Ignore! But why are you letting him hang out in your house? Surely he should be having the children over to his, rather than poking around in your cupboards or whatever?

[wintercitylover]

Well he lives some way away. but it's getting to that. let him take them to his perfect new set up.