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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

is it fair to ask ex for maintenance when i am bigger earner?

18 replies

cestlavielife · 15/01/2009 11:33

i moved out with 3 dcs to rented accomodation last april, he refused to move out. getting an injunction to get him out was possibility but in the end seemed better to spend money on nicer place to live to "escape" his controlling behaviour....so now i paying more than twice in rent what he is paying in mortgage for the former joint home (it is still joint owned at present). he keeps making comments about having no mmoney to pay the utilities etc. he has a job at present but i dont know what he is earning...i imagine not huge amount.

but - he now has three bedrooms to himeself he could easily rent one out!

is it fair to push him to pay some maintenance for the kids even tho i have good salary? am now struggling (not breadline but having to cut back a lot...) as rent is so big and have spent all my savings on stuff for the new place etc. also solicitor fes to come...

and do you push for maintenance when ex is only going to see the dcs briefly at contact centre at present? (due to his mental illness/abusive beahviours)

i.e. should he be made to be responsible for his children financially even if the amount is relatively small? is a principle i think....and when contact is limited?

OP posts:

Report

BouncingTurtle · 15/01/2009 11:43

I think you should get a court order to force the sale of the house.

And yes he should be paying to maintain his kids... he helped bring them into the world! It'll be based on his income anyway.

Dropdeadfred · 15/01/2009 11:45

he should sell the house and yes of course he should pay for his dc

MamaG · 15/01/2009 11:45

Yes he bloody should pay. Agree you should try to get a court order re sale of the houyse, ridiculous that he's still living there!

A Court views finances and child contact as two entirely seperate matters

HOLLY23 · 15/01/2009 12:24

I am similar situation. I took DCs and left family home because H wouldn't leave and like you I earn more then him. My solicitor felt very strongly that it is H's responsibility to pay maintenance for DCs and spousal maintenance to me even though I earn more then him. I have said no to spousal maintenance, but yes to child maintenance because regardless of what contact he has they are still his DCs as well. Child maintenance is based on 20% of his net pay.
If your H refuses to sell the house, then try meditiation as this is less costly but if he still refuses you will have to get a court order. Do not pay him anything towards the utilitie bills, as he is enjoying the luxury of living in the family home by himself, it certainly is not your responsibility.

VinegarTits · 15/01/2009 13:07

Of course he should pay, he has a finacial responsibility to provide for his dc regardless of what you earn

When you make an application to the CSA they do not take the mothers earnings into consideration, your dc are entitled to money from him regardless.

If he wont pay up, go to the CSA

curlygal · 15/01/2009 20:01

Agree with other posts here. How bloody dare he complain to you about the cost of the utilities!

My Ex tries to get out of paying maintainance - he agrees to pay £300 which is about 20% of his salary but I have to ask him several times everymonth and will get it in drips and drabs in between him moaning about being too skint

curlygal · 15/01/2009 20:02

Forgot to say that when I worked full time I probably earned more than Ex plus I am more financially secure as I manage my money (ie don;t spend it all in the pub) but I still feel that it is only fair that he helps out financially

BrownSuga · 15/01/2009 20:05

Yes it is fair. Generally children have 2 parents, and they should both contribute financially to their upbringing regardless of who earns what.

elastamum · 15/01/2009 21:20

It is fair. My ex is paying maintenance for the kids but not for me as I took our home in settlement.

I think that it is fair he should always pay for the kids although I reckon we have about the same to live on each month. But I feed 4 of us, 2 dogs and the horses and run the house and 2 cars on mine and his is mostly for him and the occasional treat for the kids. Guess who gets the most holidays

PurpleOne · 15/01/2009 23:33

Absolutely it is fair that he pays. They are HIS children too, and he should contribute towards helping you with their upbringing.

HOLLY23 · 16/01/2009 08:06

Another thing you can do is get the finances agreed through the consent order so you can stipulate in there how much he agrees to pay or you feel he should pay you. Talk to a solicitor about this. Otherwise if he still plays silly buggers then you should go to CSA. Get the ball rolling asap because you don't need this playing on your mind plus he's getting away with his financial responsibilty with DCs

cestlavielife · 16/01/2009 10:21

thanks all for pointing me in right direction - am drafting email to him which will run by my solicitor... funny how i still have that "walking on eggshells" feeling - wary about an angry response to my reasonable requests - (thinking...he is going to get angry if i ask this...) even tho am now protected by distance...

OP posts:

LiffeyKidman · 16/01/2009 10:55

I am on lone parent allowance and I get nothing from children's dad, and there's a freedom of sorts in that. He's such a non-person to me now, that it's a relief not to be second-guessing whether money I've grown to rely on will turn up or not.

If you can manage without his money, then I would suggest for your well-being and pride and freedom that you let it go.

I think he is a hopeless deadbeat. But it is very hard to MAKE a hopeless deadbeat do the right thing. Don't exhaust yourself with an unnecessary uphill battle. For a principal? NObody in the World will argue with you that he should pay. Of course he should.

I hope to be working again within a few years. My 'ideal' situation is to not need a penny from x. NO, that's not right, my ideal situation would be to have an x who realised that our children get one childhood, one chance to have a happy childhood! I've had mine, and by giving us nothing he makes them suffer more than me! THAT would be my ideal situation. BUT... I don't have that kind of x. I have a bitter deluded abusive controlling arsehole. and the less I need him, the higher the spring in MY step.

good luck whatever you do though

LiffeyKidman · 16/01/2009 10:56

Yes. agree with pp a court order to sell the house. Cut the cord asap!

northwest1 · 16/01/2009 20:04

From the Child Support Act 1991, first paragraph, first section...

"The basic principles

1 The duty to maintain (1) For the purposes of this Act, each parent of a qualifying child is responsible for maintaining him."

twinsetandpearls · 16/01/2009 20:09

My ex husband earns less than me and has another child to support by a mother who does not work so I do not take maintenance from him for our dd.

I also do not like how he earns his money and think it would therefore be hypocritical to take money from him.

I agree with Liffy that you do get a freedom from not having to rely on your ex in any way.

But I understand that it is not right for everyone.

DD has me and my partner to raise her and financially provide, two parents like lots of other children.

cantpickyourfamily · 19/01/2009 19:11

I think he should have to pay as he should be responsible for your dc. It is not fair thatthe mother is always the one left holding the baby.

gillybean2 · 22/01/2009 16:27

You could ask for the money and if you can put it aside into savings etc for the children then do that. However you say you are starting to struggle. Particularly because of the rent issue. Get the house sold and buy a new place or get the house signed over to you.

I think it's silly to refuse the money because of how you feel about it. The money is for the children. Take it for them and put it aside for them, especially if it is irregular and you can't rely on it.

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