another i could kill him thread

[MincePirateCat]

Dd6 saw her dad sunday 23rd dec. Long history of him lettig her down.

new leaf was supposed to be turned as of past 3 months or so. He's done alot of damage to her psycologicaly this yr.

He didn't see her since then. We live half an hour away. Rang last night to say he was going away for a few days, could he come this morning at 9, to take her to the park.

turns up at 9.15, sits in lounge. dd tells him about her xmas. Gets to 9.45 and says right i have to go now as i have to pack. I said 'oh aren't you goign to the park ?'

He replies, 'no i havent got time now, i thought we were just chilling here'

i said 'well i don't think dd realsied that, she thought you were going to the park'

He said 'oh sorry' gave dd hug and left.

dd burst into tears, and said, 'he's done it again mummy, he's let me down, i am so cross and sad'

I was tempted to phone him up and say 'what the fuck was that all about, you could only fit her in for half an hour'

but i couldn't be bothered with the reaction.

Luckily we have a nice resto f the day planned, but I feel so sad for dd, and so bloody cross with him. Why cna't they communicate. Why didn't he say he was pushed for time. WHY does he bother living?

[lou33]

oh pirate, your poor dd

these useless fathers need to be sent away for reprogramming of their brain

how is she atm?

[J2O]

poor excuse of a man!

[ichangedforthisbutiamaregular]

Pirate you need to stop telling her whay he says he is going to do as he is clearly incapable of follwoing through!
With my DD1 (7) I just play everything down - so daddy MIGHT come, daddy MIGHT take you out, daddy MIGHT do something nice with you (hahahah) - but then if he does its a bonus and if he doesnt she hasnt had any expectations dahsed...
You need to try and keep your disappointment from showing and play the positives - wasnt that good of dady to come all this way to see you today, wasnt it nice to see him - she is picking up on your anger and resentment - yes he is a prick no argument here but at least they have us hey???

[ichangedforthisbutiamaregular]

bum forgot to chnage back again sorry

[solidgoldstuffingballs]

I'm not sure telling her that it's ever so good of daddy to come all this way when he does show up is the way to go: the DD already knows because it has been demonstrated repeatedly to her that her dad is lazy and selfish and thoughtless. Praising him to the skies could make her start feeling that it's her fault in some way that he is unreliable, that she is a burden.
Though playing down the possiblity of his visits is a good idea so as to minimize the disappointment.

[ELOB]

i agree with solidgold. do not suggest that it was 'good of daddy'. that will sound to your daughter like he's doing her a favour as opposed to wanting to be with her or SHOULD be with her. i would play down the visits. id never praise him to her when he does the right thing by her, even if he does pleasantly surprise you. be civilised, and let him apologise to her, instead of you apologising for him. if he does a bad job apologising, its up to you to make sure that she knows that however she is feeling, it is normal, ok and justified. let her know her feelings ARE important, especially if hes giving her the impression they are not important. i have to do this with my 6 year old girl and will no doubt need to with my other 2 as they get older. he let them down at the last minute on christmas evening by saying he wasn't coming over. this was after spending the day with us out in lapland uk, getting little ones excited about santa coming etc. the following day when he arrived he tried, in a nice way to ask my daughter what all the nonsense was about on christmas eve, because she had been shocked and terribly upset about him noy coming. he then had the nerve to ask her why she didn;t want to go to his house on christmas day to feed his cats and started to compre that because she didn't want to do it, that there was no difference in what she did compared to what he did. i had to explain to my daughter a few days later when hopefully it wouldn't sound like i was pointing the finger at her dad that feelings are not nonsense(as he had stated) and that animals feelings are important but not as important as people or family. etc. its a full time job having to 'sort out' any damage before its done but its important that your daughter is able to work out for heself what is right and what is wrong and with your teachings she will realise that its her dad who is in the wrong and not her who is at fault. your undivided love and attention and interest in her day to day achievements goes a long way to a well being child i think. good luck!

[MincePirateCat]

ebole, thats a great great post thanks.

sorry i havent been back, but i have taken on what everyone has said.

solid gold, i used to praise him to the skies, but she has wised up.

ichangedforthis, i totally understand where you are coming from.

It is VERY hard to know how to play thisunpredictable 'game'. Some positives HAVE to be pointed out, just to try to re enforce her worthiness, as a valued person in her dad's eyes. otherwise i fear she will back track, and this year, (well it's last year now, and let it stay there i say) has been a bitch.
Its a balancing act, and based on an unstable person. She is still upset and wants me to speak to him about it.

I don't know what to do. I was a bit flakey and said well i didn't think it would help, and he's gone now, and i am sure she will see him soon.

Then she piped up, 'if you speak to him mummy and he gets cross on the phone, i can be in the background for you and shout at him'

so now whe's trying to help me.