So how soon after your BP left did you start procrastinating?

[christmasisdelayed]

BP stands for bastard partner. Mine pissed off six months ago and for the first maybe three months (after two months of being poleaxed, so a month really, all up) I was still 'in the groove' - housework, shopping, lists, household repairs, baby in his usual routine, no slack on my part etc

6 months on I procrastinate like mad. Do only essential stuff, delay important letters to stave off financial chaos u ntil I absolutely have to write them, take each day as it comes, have stopped beating myself up because bathroom lights aren't fixed. Sometimes leave the weekly shop til Monday instead of making sure I do it sunday.

Sometimes have a glass of wine at lunchtime but only so I can remind myself I am better off without the arsehole.

Now the Labour Command that we get nothing if we do nothing I fell like screaming. Give me a job that pays me enough to allow my baby to still have a mother and fine...would LOVE to work. But my baby has no father. Should he have no mother too? Apart from the childminder 8 hours a day while I earn two hundred quid a week?

I hate this. procrastination goes hand-in- hand I think, with incarceration in the silent house. You need to be a mentally fit giant to cope with it instead of a harased older mother with shit for brains.

[MascaraOHara]

depends where your line between pro-crastinating and 'making work for yourself' lies I guess..

no idea what pro-crastinating at home as got to do with the government though

[TisTheSeasonToBeSolo]

Mascara, the Government want single parents to go to work to earn their own keep which is fair enough, except that once you've paid for childcare, there isn't very much left. For me, there would be nothing left, so I'd be going back to work for nothing but paying a child minder very well to look after my kids all whilst I bring home nothing to the household pot IYSWIM. I think that is what OP means. Plus of course baby is being brought up by someone who is not his mother which(for me)also sucks.
Is that what you meant christmasisdelayed?

You are not alone. My house has fallen apart. I want it sorted, but don't want to sort it. It's a tip.

[christmasisdelayed]

Thanx NDTH. I now make a massive bolognese at the start of the week which lasts me supper for the rest of the week. Boring but functional.

This afternoon I have made baby loads of gorgeous pork dinners and frozen them but I suppose really I should be out at work at Subway earning five quid an hour and leaving him with the CM?

I would just like to be handed a well-enough paid job, be told I am doing ok by an authority figure instead of being advised that I'm stuffed - by the bank and by Citizens Advice ('get a job - yes you won't see your son. Life is shit isn't it') and for the police to arrest my 'husband' for desertion, thieving, adultery and non-payment of child support.

Not a big ask is it?

Mind you, as a FORMER friend of mine pointed out the day after he had fucked off 'Mmm, well he is a good looking man' as though that made it somehow ok.

That really helped. But apparently my totally pissed off reaction to her was out of order too.

Ah well. I suggested to CAB man that I too just piss off to another country and leave all debts behind - he gazed at me as though I were some brain-addled criminal. But my 'husband' has done it. Why can't I? He laughed and said the bank would take my house in my absence and I would have to get any money back from them.

Sounds like a plan to me. I mean - not bothering and just staying in Greece. They can have the farking house.

[MascaraOHara]

sorry still missing the link.. what has not doing housework got to do with the government?

do what needs to be done when it needs to be done.. enjoy life.. too short to be hovering up people foot prints.

[christmasisdelayed]

Solo - you are utterly right. That is exactly what I mean. Thankyou. It sucks. Anyone for an upgraded Footlong from Subway while my son thinks his CM is his mother and his father continues to shag whores with no punishment whatsoever?

I knock off in five minutes and take home enough money to pay the CM for the last 8 hours.

Extra bacon? It might cover the busfare.

[Ivykaty44]

I never had a BP - you actually have to be a man to be a bastard, my ex was far from a man so would never dream of giving him the title of bastard

twitwytawt is more suitable for my ex and a lot of other ex's I know, pathetic poor men lead by there most precious item

[christmasisdelayed]

Ivy:

[christmasisdelayed]

It's good to laugh.

[TisTheSeasonToBeSolo]

Keep smiling! keep laughing, it warms you up!

[elastamum]

HA Ha ha, Im on mumsnet whilst I should be cooking tea, looks like its fish and chips, you should see the state of the house (better not) Ex told me it was a state the other day and suggested I should clear up. I told to to F* off as he doenst live here anymore

[TisTheSeasonToBeSolo]

Go girlfriend!

[estuaryfairy]

Christmasisdelayed, I used to be a well-paid, qualified professional before single parenthood. I am now a cashier and work for slightly above the minimum wage, but it means I get to keep the roof over my baby's head, working tax credits, and 80% of my childcare costs are covered. I work 19 hours a week, so spend the majority of my time with DD. I have no spare money, so holidays and new clothes etc (for me) are ruled out, but I manage to pay the mortgage, gas, leccy etc by the skin of my teeth and my DD wants for nothing. How old is your DS? Could you get a p/t job? Tax credits kick in at 16 hours a week, so you'll always be better off working than on IS, and as long as you're with a registered CM, they'll pay the majority of your CM fees.

I'm an older mum too, and never thought I'd get to this stage in my life and be working on a checkout, but it's not really so bad (I quite like helping sweet old ladies pack their shopping). I'm also doing a degree and know the p/t job won't be forever, just a means to an end for DD's benefit.

[UnfortunatelyMe]

I am kicking on 1.5 years. My house is a tip, nothing gets started let alone finished I am drowning.
The only thing that does get done is work. And as im self employed generally its at midnight with wine in hand.

[Amazoniancracker]

estuary, I will get there in the end. I asked friend last night to find out from her cousin if he culd help me get job as cashier at Asda. I really really wouldn't mind and have given up pretending I am going to do something spectacular and well-paid any moment soon.

I just need a job. It's hard t get your head round it all when you have spent 20 years working yur bum off, ding everything by the book, building up an ok lifestyle, then having the longed-for baby only to have life as I knew it erased and single-parenthood on benefits in its place overnight.

I am not on IS as I would rather be working. But I HAVE to earn a minimum of 700 quid a month somehow. I just long to spend babyhood with my baby though and it is a very bitter pill to swallow to now be utterly financially insecure and to have had to pull myself through an emotional hellworld after BP effed off.

Smiling most of the time now...just anxious about the future all the time/repossession etc.

My problems are not unique, I know I am luckier than many in fact, I know I have good friends and a wonderful son. I just didn't want life for me and my son to turn out like this

[estuaryfairy]

Our situations seem very similar, I did the 20 years working, the building up of the lifestyle, then the longed-for-but-never-thought-it-would-happen baby, followed shortly by single-parent-on-benefits-how-the-fuck-did-this-become-my-life? moment, but you do cope and after a while you enjoy the coping and how doing everything for your baby, including serving in a shop, makes you feel. I'm also going through the mill financially and have had all that losing the roof over my baby's head worry. Now there's bugger all equity left in my flat and the official receiver is unlikely to be interested in it, I am going to go bankrupt. Look into it if it's an option for you, in some cases, the positives outweigh the negatives. I found the CAB really helpful (though I realise I could have just got lucky there) and also Debt Free Direct, google them, they've given me loads of sound advice and haven't charged a penny. Good luck.

[ninah]

totally agree with estuary fairy, never thought this would be my life either but I'm starting to like it! never was very tidy or organised in the first place tho