I wish I'd never told him...

[alandimi]

I wish I'd never told my ex he was my baby's father .

At the time, I think I hoped we would get back together, but having spent time with him again during my pregnancy and now when he comes round to see dd I remember why we are not together and I just wish he would go away so dd and I can just get on with things. I thought I was doing the right thing by telling him and including him but it just makes things so bloody difficult. I hate the thought of him eventually having dd for days/nights/weekends etc and having any say in what happens to her. I have pretty much done the whole thing on my own. I saw him every month to catch up and included him at scans when I was pregnant and he was there when she was born, but I'm the one who saved like fury to get everything for her (he gave me £100 while I was pregnant and nothing since), I've moved over 400 miles away from family so he could be close to her, I gave him parental responsibility by putting him on her birth certificate (stupid), introduced a bottle feed so he can feed her, invited him to my parents for Christmas (it's going to be bloody awful) and all he has done is make me feel guilty for asking for maintenance and taking dd to my parents for christmas (even though I haven't seen them for months and he's going to be there anyway).

He comes round most days but half the time just sits in a chair complaining about how tired he is, how broke he is, how hard he is working and hasn't had time to eat. Doesn't do anything with dd - "just wants to be near her" and has had the gall to complain about changing her nappy when he comes round ("why do I always have to change her? Err, because I do it the other 23 hours in the day and it's part of being a parent - grrrr ).

He's a perfectly nice guy most of the time, (stroppy and a complete wanker the rest) and he does loves dd, I just wish he wasn't involved. I don't regret having dd but I am really beginning regret that he is her father.

I feel jealous every time he holds her. And i hate that his parents act like they own her. She's mine and part of my family (which for some reason, I don't know why, he dislikes intensely). He didn't want kids (one of the reasons we split) and doesn't want any more (his girlfriend doesn't want kids either) and I wish he had said he didn't want to know when he found out I was pregnant.

I know I'm being selfish - I want dd all to myself but things would be so much easier if he wasn't involved. I'm thinking I'd like to move back north to be closer to family but now I feel I'm stuck here and it's making me feel physically sick. What to do?

[Nighbynight]

hang on in there - morally, you are on the hígh ground. one day your dd won't ask you "mummy, have I got a father?" - instead you will happily be able to wave goodbye to her as she goes off for a weekend with him, while you go out for a date/hang round in the shops/read or watch tv all day. My ex is violent, so I cant just let my children go happily to him, wish I could.

sole responsibility is a mixed blessing - there are plenty of advantages to sharing it too, for your child and for you.

the only thing is, I would try to phase out him being in your house as your dd gets older - it is bound to lead to trouble. Better to keep him at a distance, when its practical.

[tessofthedurbervilles]

God he sounds just like the man I am pregnant by....and I want to slap his self pitying face....sorry not helpful I know but I understand your frustration....xx

[BabyBaby123]

not a lone parent anymore but was once in a similiar situation - all I can say is hang on in there. It will pass. This is a short time in your life and within a few years everything will be different. You will probably be working, have met someone new, and this will be a distant memory. The important thing is that you have put your dd first. He can never throw it back in your face that you denied him his rights as a father. Just bite your lip for now. If he is involved in her life, you have every right to go for child support. As he is on the birth certificate he has a duty to provide for his child. Tell him you need it - set the boundries now. Don't get into chit chat with him if you don't want to. Get on with things you need to do whilst he is visting and let him deal with the mundane day to day tasks you do day in day out on his own - don't give him options - leave him the nappies and her clothes etc - force him to do it and go into another part of the house.
Once she gets a bit older things will be so much easier, he can take her out. Although you want her close at the moment, in the future you will enjoy that time. And definately look at moving closer to your family - if there is no reason for you to be where you are now then don't be. He can't stop you from moving without good reason even if he has got PR.

[alandimi]

If I move north how do I tell him? he can be a prat sometimes but I don't want to hurt him and I know taking dd away will hurt him massively. He does love her and loves spending time with her.....

[BabyBaby123]

if it's best for you and dd to be near then your family then you have to put yourself and her first. Just tell him that you are thinking about it to give him some warning - he can't actually stop you without good reason even if he does have PR