OK, THENEWSMONGREL, I've taken the challenge:

[TheSeriousOne]

here is a thread to discuss:

Why should it matter what the ex does, post divorce, after a clean break settlement?

Why should you continue to be livid bothered at his success; and shouldn't you actually want him to do well, as your kids will benefit from that even if you don't.

Discuss............

[Prettyfull]

Hmm, dd's partner doesnt bother with her,...he pays CSA and thats all. We dont ever see him and i prefer it that way!

I dont care what he does, hes now married with a step child and new born, dunno where he lives but they have a house n both have a car etc. I really dont care lol,..goodluck to him

Id only be annoyed if he won the lotto ;) lol

[Prettyfull]

oops not dd's parnter oops, i mean dd's "dad"

[elastamum]

For me it is not about him but the effect he has on your children
I wouldnt be bothered what H did unless it affected the kids. We are negotiating a clean break and as I get our home I wont get any maintenance apart from child support which he has to pay. He has a big income and I am hoping that he will spend it on the kids and keep earning as we have school fees to pay. I am looking for a job currently. My biggest worry is that if he chucks it all in goes off with someone else and doesnt support the kids then I need to be be earning enough to do it all myself.

[TheSeriousOne]

But, Elastamum, you can have school fees written into the court order. If you and he had agreed to do that preiously (use a private school) then that should be in the agreement.

I'm in an odd position, as my DH pays for everything (from school uniforms, to pocket money, school fees to phone bills - we pay it all). But the standard stuff is agreed - the extras are up to us.

But, once that clean break is signed, that's it. Sorry.

I have a DS with DH, and we are planning another one. WE NEVER even considered reducing money to his ex / my DSDs because of our son (or another child) but I REFUSE to accept that it's OK for an ex to bleat on about what an ex has, because he's worked DOUBLY hard to support ALL of his kids.

I totally respect DH's responsibilities to my DSD's and (IN ADDITION to) payments made for child support, school fees, maintainence, pocket money, phone bills, I-tunes, e-bay, personal medical bills, dentists and school trips, we fund a 6 bed house in order to ensure each child feels they have their own space.

My DH should NEVER feel bad because we appear to have a nice lifestyle, house (yep, over £500K), nice car (yep, have Porsche and others) or anything else, that all comes AFTER he's paid his taxes, child support, maintenence, bills etc., Why should he NOT be allowed to have something for himself? ANd why should an ex who decided he wasn't worthy get to judge him?

[OptimistS]

I think a lot of LPs are 'bothered' by their XPs 'success/happiness/whatever' because it feels unjust. If you've been shat on from a great height, been left holding the baby, get minimal (if any child support), have to deal with unreliable contact, etc., etc., it's hard to feel pleased about your XP doing well, even if it is to your DCs benefit. Most LPs however, try at least to act pleased in front of their DC and leave off describing how they really feel for sites like this or chats with their friends once DC are in bed.

I've well past this stage in my own LP status and genuinely do want to see my XP do well. I want my DC to have the pride that goes with having a dad they love do well in life and I want him to be a good role model. However, I remember when he got his first DP after me. I felt uncomfortable. Not because I wanted him back but because it seemed like he was living the life of riley while I had all the responsibility. I now realise of course that I had the better deal as I get to spend every day with the DC, and although that can be a lot of responsibility and is sometimes hard, you get the bonus of seeing all the 'firsts' and unbreakable bond that develops from nursing your DC when they're sick/up all night, etc. So maybe how you feel about your XP depends on your own stage of healing. It's pointless to pretend you feel nothing but joy for your ex's happiness if you don't and you've been treated badly. All you need to do is make sure you don't express it in front of the DC, but you are allowed to feel disappointment/anger.

[TheSeriousOne]

But, you can;t have it both ways, though, OptimistS... I DO understand what you are saying, I do... But, the one thing my DH's ex was adament is that she wanted to raise the kids. No problems, and my DH has always provided amazing emotional and finacial support but how does that help when she calls at 2am and says 'the kids are up' and you say 'well, we'll help' and she says 'no, I don't want you to help, they are my kids' Eerrr.. OK.....

I am now a mum too, and NO WAY would I let my kids go, but no way would I call some one at 2am to bitch either.

You can't have it both ways and, what happens if you didn't want the ex? My DH's ex didn't want him but finds it impossible to come to terms with the fact he's happy with me...

[ChasingSquirrels]

and what when you didn't want to be the ex?
I know I will be hit very hard when (assuming he does) my ex has another partner.
In some ways it annoys me that I have taken a back seat with my career and his has forged ahead while we had children, and now he has left. But I know that I wanted to do that, and that I didn't every want to put in the hours he does anyway, even before we had children.
I do want him to do well, I am not sure that his definition of doing well if what I want my children to aspire to.
I want him to be happy (I would just rather he was happy with me ).

[OptimistS]

Good points. Hadn't really considered them, but then I wouldn't consider ringing my x at 2 in the morning unless it was an emergency (he comes along to all their health appointments, both routine and emergency/out of hours, etc). I've always said to my x that he can see the DC as often or as little as he wants and I've stuck to it. I did choose to leave my X BTW.

BAsically, a lot comes down to the stage post-breakup you are, and what you're like as a person generally. Even the best people can behave like idiots in the emotional aftermath following a break up. It's very understandable. Most people eventually get through it though and even if they can't genuinely feel pleased for their ex when he/she does well, they don't resent it, and even if they do, as long as they don't hit the x with it and the DC don't pick up on it, I don't see that it's a problem (except maybe for themselves - negativity and resentment prevents you from moving on with your own life).

For those who continue to make their Xs life hell, regardless of who broke off the relationship and regardless if both parties have now moved on and are remarried or whatever, then I think this has more to do with them as a person than it does about the nature of relationships between Xs.

[elastamum]

Chasing Squirrels makes a good point. Many women, myself included didnt choose this lifestyle, they had it shoved upon them. If you are dumped and then watch your ex living the lifestyle of a single bloke with no kids and setting themselves up with a new girl it can be a hrd pill to swallow however much you know you wouldnt give your kids up for a minute. I also gave up my own career to build our own company with him and now I am a single parent with no income hunting for a job whilst he has the six figure salary new house and GF blowing sunshine up his arse everyday. I would never badmouth him in front of the kids and work hard to maintain a good relationship but its not easy

[OptimistS]

I'm going to complicate things further here. Like I mentioned in a previous post, I chose to leave my X. However, what I didn't mention that was it was due to abuse. We were together 6 years. The first 6 months was awful - he was jealous, etc. I broke it off and in doing so ended up with bruised ribs and a black eye. God knows why, but we ended up becoming friends, he got counselling and year later we got back together. Things were really happy for the next few years so we decided to try for a baby (and ended up with twins. Hmmmm). It was once the DC were born that the problems started again. I left him after he had me pinned against the bathroom wall telling me he would kill me. CD were 4 months old then. I think I had good reason to leave, but despite the fact that I left him, I would say that it was his behaviour that led to a breakdown of our relationship, not mine, so maybe I am in the same situation as someone who has been left. I never wanted to be a single mother of 2 kids.

I think that a lot of people looking at me from the outside would think that I had good reason to hate him and resent any happiness he might have. However, I chose not to. It wasn't easy and there were times I went through the motions rather than believed in what I was telling myself, but I knew that I didn't want my kids drawn into the mess and keeping things amicable (yet firm in regards to abusive behaviour) was to everyone's advantage, most of all the DC. These days, I have moved on. It didn't take long until I discovered that my life as a single parent was a damn site easier than being with my X, and the freedom to be my own person was incredibly empowering. I am glad I perservered and although I have little respect for my ex, I genuinely wish him well.

Read from that what you will. not sure whose argument it supports!

[TheSeriousOne]

Lots of good posts there - lots to think about. I had actually meant (with the OP) financially... I mean: Once the papers are signed, what's the point in worrying if he has more or less £££, as long as he's providing the agreed support?

My DH HAS gone and earned more (so that we could have a family without that financially impactingon his other kids or his ex) and we now have a lifestyle his Ex WOULD NEVER HAVE PUT UP WITH (DH works away full time and I am alone with DS - no help as we can't afford it AND I've gone back to work when DS was 5 months old because I need the money). I know that his ex bitches about money constantly, but what else can we do? It's not like she sees less money each month because we chose to have a child... Anyway, that's a very specific rant!!!

Elastamum - if you helped build the business, are you not a director who can take a share of the profits?

CS - I've read your posts before. I think it must be very tough for you. I think it might have actually been easier if your DH had left for an OW, but then, that sounds stupid just writing it... You do sound as if you love him and he sounds like a good dad... It WILL be tough if he meets someone he wants to introduce to the kids, but you sound like a lovely mum.

[elastamum]

Yes Serious one, we sold the company and split the proceeds but I am the one now left without an income as he is still MD. We wont starve but I do have to find another job. The irony is that when we met I was the one with the big salary. I wouldnt trade the last 10 years for anything but it is a sobering thought as to what can happen to you when you throw your lot in with your H. Had I stayed doing what I was doing I would probably be MD rather than an unemployed single mum! Actually I do hope he does well as if not I will have to find all the school fees myself

[TheSeriousOne]

Yes, it's a sobering thought. I gave up a ery good career to marry DH and have DS. Now I am looking to go back, and it's almost impossible to find anyone who will employ me, as it's easier to employ someone who doesn't have a 6MOto look after. I have been quite shocked at how difficult it is.

I have actually gone back freelance, which means I can work mostly in the evenings and when DS is asleep (it wouldn't be cost effective if I had to pay childcare too) It's tough, but I am coping.

But, I do agree: It's bloody difficult. My DH works abroad, which effectively means I'm a single mum during the week, as I am here alone with DS and don't have family close by. I have the utmost respect for any woman who has to shoulder childcare, bills and work too.. It's not easy...

Agree with you about the school fees though.

[elastamum]

I have found it is impossible to get hired for a senior job if the interviewer realises you are a lone parent. My strategy for the kids is not to mention them at all at interview because a couple of times it was obvious that when the interviewer realised I was a single parent of young children they just wrote me off. I also still wear my wedding ring for job interviews (we are not actually divorced yet so its not a lie) so people do not realise I am a single parent. I feel sad about this but I need to get a job

[TheSeriousOne]

DO NOT feel sad about it.

Many years ago, I wanted to get a senior position in a very male dominated security industry and I took my engagement ring off... If I'd had to explain that there was a DP / SO, I really doubt I'd have gotten the job (I did)

As soon as I mention that DS must come first, other 'more suitable' applicants mysteriously arise (even if I was being treated as a shoe in before I mentioned it)

I have been shocked at how blatant many companies and agencies will be - I have been asked directly if I plan to have more children... surely that is ilegal???? But, if it's asked in a 'jokey and friendly manner', answering 'you can't ask me that' is going to get you struck off the list anyway.

Sad

[ElenorRigby]

Hmm I think both sides are complicated, with each "side" arriving at the situation with different hopes and expectations.

[raisinbran]

Hi all, most of you supported me on my other thread.I am feeling alot more positive now.

I was just going to agree with alot of you and that we wouldn't change anything if ment giving up are children, however a lot of XH including mine have only reached the positions they have because we gave up our careers so their's could thrive.

Any future success is going to come of the back of the years when we had nothing and worked as a team and generally their new partners benefit.( eg I stayed in a 4 seasons hotel once in 14 years, his girlfriend has had 2 holidays in them in 1 year.)

The husband would be unlikely to be able to fullfill his job role if he had to look after the children as a single parent. the same way its too long a gap or too difficult for us to pick up on our careers as a single parent.

I do think its out of order to ring someone at ridiculous times of the day and their should be a common sense approach.I also think its unfair to complain if my ex has another child and doesn't alter my maintenace payments, my worry would be that he might , he told lies to cover up the girl friend in the past.I suppose once the divorce is finalised it will give me more peace of mind.

[glitterfairy]

Seriousone my X pays nothing towards the kids but lives in gfs 3 bedroomed house (gigolo style) we live in rented as he left and then didnt pay mortgage and bankrupted me. I work really hard and struggle every month. He is now earning and refusing to pay and the CSA fight is exhausting.

Yes when I think he might be happy I think it isnt fair but two of his kids dont see him because he was violent towards them and he only see my youngest for 29 days a year. In the end I would far far rather be me. It doesnt stop me being angry when I hear he has got himself another car (they have four). I dont want him to be happy he doesnt deserve it.

[TheSeriousOne]

Raisinbran - In my instance, DH's career has flouorished since they spilt because she expected him to do so much childcare, he couldn't take OT or work away. He now works away (can earn more that way) and I look after DS alone 5 days a week (DS is 6 months old, so not always easy) BUT I feel strongly that maintenence payments shouldn't change because of future children. That is not fair to them. I do appreciate all the arguments about 'well if the parents were together, there would be less money' but the fact is, the parents are not together. You don't get to demand a pay rise or pay less tax because you choose to have a child and that should be the same for maintenence payments. As a second wife, I feel it's extremely important that my DH takes care of his ex and the kids, and I am proud of the sacrafices he makes for them.

Glitterfairy- I'm sorry, your Ex is not a man, I don't know what you can do about someone who puts cars ahead of thier kids. I obviously don't know what has gone on, but I don't think I'd want such a man anywhere near my kids...

[TheSeriousOne]

My Dh's Ex didn't work, by the way, hasn't ever worked since leaving University. So, can't be said she 'gave up a career' to look after the kids.

She doesn't like looking after the kids either, she just knew they were her key to power / money. She has often kept child support payments for herself and made the children go without or ask us for extras.

[glitterfairy]

TheSeriousOne you are spot on!

Its just that sometimes I wish justice was like the soaps and its not and sometimes wanting your x to have a bad time is for all the right reasons!

[TheNewsMongrel]

Because seriousone, his success is off my back. He feathers his nest because he is stealing from me by not contributing to the children he also chose to bring in to the world.

We entered into parenthood as a team, but guess what? every single sacrafice has been mine! My career, my loss of earnings, my pension has suffered, my chances to ever meet a decent man if I'm honest. (Chances greatly reduced when I can't go out because I've two small children, no job and no money! It doesn't make me a great catch. But that's ok, my children ARE my priority.)

He's probably able to present himself as a good catch though. It could appear that way to somebody who didn't know how mean and controlling he is. If he met some girl tomorrow night, I'd pity her, becuase I know he's not worth having. I wouln't be jealous of HER. I'd be pissed off at him for 'practising' on me, seriously damaging the quality of my life for the long term, and then moving on to somebody new and unaware of his failings.

He has quite literally left me holding two babies. He has his house and his car and his job and his money, and I have my precious children so we both have what we always valued more, but that isn't fair. He is morally reprehensible and I just recognise that fact, that injustice.

I'm not eaten up by bitterness, I am so relieved to be rid of him tbh, but you think I could ever sit on the side lines and think, oooh congratulations on your promotion/bigger house/new car?????!!!!

[TheSeriousOne]

TNM... Either he is adhereing to a court order or he isn't.

If he isn't then (i) get one and if he won't step up to that then (ii) consider whether he is a reasonable influence in your kids life.

If he is, then GET OVER IT. You are glad to be rid. Yes, I think it's possible to NOT sit on the sidelines and NOT comment on someone else's life.

I am sure that DH's ex also likes to think she's never met anyone else is DH's fault too... not so. It has much more to do with the fact she is a hard to deal with high maintenence haridan.

If you aren't eaten up by the past, then stop sitting on the sidelines and MOVE ALONG.

[TheNewsMongrel]

SeriousOne, it's not that easy. You know nothing about my life and what I've been through. There's no reason why you should of course, but for you to imagine that it is so simple shows your lack of understanding and perspective. You see things very firmly from position of second wife of a decent (by the sounds of it) man.

You can not simplify my life in the same way. If I could get money out of him I would. It's not always possible to have a court order. There are lots of reasons why it's not possible. Most people on the lone parents can think of a few reasons why it's not always so simple.

I would love to forget him. I would love to move to Australia and leave no forwarding address. But I can't because he is my children's father. so he's always there in the background, shouting about his rights but deaf and blind to his obligations or responsibilities.

[TheSeriousOne]

Yes, Sorry, TNM... My DH is a decent man and a great father. He has made a lot of sacrafices to make sure his children have not been put in the middle of a messy divorce and does everything to make sure they feel loved and secure and wanted.

Also, my DH's Ex is extremely bitter that he has done well without her. In fact, she is as mad as hell about it and often takes it out on the children, because she likes to pick opponents who she is sure to be able to beat, if that makes sense.

I don't know why you couldn't get a court order to clarify the finances and, no, I don't know of lots of reasons why you wouldn't have one. But, I agree, I am coming at this from my situation.