Scary questions - any of you single parents know the best way to answer them?

[girliefriend]

My dd has no contact with her father what so ever and is not likely ever to, however she is now talking a lot about mummies and daddies and I am just waiting for the 'why haven't I got a daddy question?' She will be 3 in feb. I feel totally scared by this question and was wondering if any of you had faced similar questions and how you answered them? xX

[ninah]

I was in this situation with ds when he was 3 turning 4. He did remember his dad but we didn't see him for about a year. At that age they do tend to accept what's going on with them as the norm iyswim. Does your dd remember her dad, or no contact in the past? The first time this really came up with ds was at school when a boy asked him why he didn't have a dad, he just replied, I do but he doesn't live with us, matter of fact as you like. At that point we weren't seeing exp and I didn't expect to at all, but now we see him once a fortnight and are v civil, so who knows. I'd just be matter of fact and don't be sad or apologetic about your family - you are a family, you and dd. Families are different shapes that's all. Better the way you are than tensions and arguments. She'll only feel sad about it, or that something is missing, if she picks up this sadness in you. Bit rambling , hope it helps

[gillybean2]

I tried to explain the difference between being a father and being a dad. Everyone has a father, but not everone who is a father is also a dad. Also use lots of examples of different families that you see around you, seperated, togteher but not married, live with mum, love with dad, widowed, see other sometimes or never etc

My son told one school friend he didn't have a dad, and another that his dad lives a long way away. He was also upset one day saying he didn't know what his dad looked like, so I got a photo for him via his gran. Rather than ignore questions or incidents like this I try and take time out to talk to hm about it. I think being honest is important but in a way they can understand and without being cruel of course.

The questions get harder as they get older. My son asked a couple of months ago if his dad didn't like him and that's why he didn't see him. I simply said "he doesn't even know you so how could he not like you, I know you and I love you lots!" Course what i really meant is your dad is a selfish git who ran away saying he wasn't ready to be a father and has continued to be a coward ever since... So when I say be honest I don't necessarily mean tell them the whole truth!

I wouldn't ever give my son hope of seeing his dad one day, because I know that would be false hope.

[girliefriend]

thanks for that, it feels like a bit of a minefield to be honest! My friends dd threw me the other day (she is 4) when she suddenly asked 'why doesn't your dd have a daddy?' Err because he is a useless waste of space who wasn't ready to be a father' - well infact all I said was 'umm where has your mummy gone, I think its time to go!' I think I am going to go along the lines of your daddy didn't want to be a daddy... and see where that goes. Although how you explain to other children I don't know..........!!!

[gillybean2]

Well I would say be matter of fact about it, especially to other children. You don't want your own child getting vibes that there is something wrong or unusual or different in a bad way about the situation.

Even if you think they aren't listening they will pick up on it. I remember my ds asking me about X (he used his dad's name). I was a little taken aback and remember thinking how the heck did he know his name was that!? Then I remembered about 6 weeks before his cousin had asked me what his dad's name was and I had answered him and I thought at the time ds was taking no notice being busy with his own game, but he had infact been listening to every word.

In the case you describe I would simply say 'Everyone has a mother and a father. It's just his father doesn't live with us. Do you know any other children who live with only their mum or dad?' Or say 'just like xyz lives with their mum but not their dad' if you know someone yourself.

They will take their queue from you and your reaction. If you are uncomfortable and avoid the questions they will pick up very quickly that it is bad or wrong to talk about it and that means it must be a bad or wrong thing to not have a dad live with you.

Gilly

[TheNewsMonger]

I'm not in exactly this situation, but I always try to 'normalise' our situation by saying to my elder dc "Aislinn's Daddy also lives in England", or Sarah 't live in the same house any more. My dc1 never really responds to my 'chatter' but hopefully she will just quietly take on board that not every family is The Waltons, even though it can look that way.

[TheNewsMonger]

My son hit the key board and some txt disappeared there. I meant to say eg, Sarah's parents don't live in the same house any more.

Whenever I come across it! I don't invent it.