Trying to move on with an aggressive ex husband in the background.

[RED22]

Its been a while since I've used Mumsnet, but one of my friends whose a regular on here encouraged me to come back.

What I need to post is lengthy, so sorry to go on but it will just explain the history of it all.

I separated from my ex husband two years ago. We'd been married ten years, together 15, so it was a lot to walk away from. We have a DD, now (aged 7) and a DS (aged 4) I'd tried every avenue I could think of before I called it a day, Relate on my own, talking to him,used the support of my friends to stay in it all really. I was constantly trying to find a way forward but in the end we were just too different. Complete opposites. It wasnt all his fault, I needed to grow up and take charge of my own life rather than hiding in his shadow financially and emotionally at times too. He had a lot of anger issues. He never hit me but a lot of what I put up with was psychological abuse. He took pot, it was very minimal usage when I met him but near the end I think he was taking it copiously. I was stupid I always insisted he kept it away from the kids but I'd never taken it myself so I was niave to say the least to its long term effects. He was angry that I wasnt a stay at home Mum and a housewife but he wanted me to work too and pay half the bills. I did with the support of my mum for childcare and I was happy to be financially independent of him. I became a pale imitation of myself though just to survive and it was a relief to end it. I'd suffered a period of bad depression near the end and when I'd recovered he told me he was ashamed of the way I'd fallen apart and he'd only stayed with me because he was worried how it might look to others if he walked out. So I decided enough was enough.

I've had real problems dealing with him since we split. I ensure he sees the kids regularly. He's cleaned up his act and he's off pot, but his anger hasnt abated. He makes comments to the kids about me. He discusses his financial worries with my daughter. He took her out on her birthday last year and brought her back late for her own party at home because he was angry she wasnt ready for his visit. It wasnt even his access day but I was trying to be fair. He often has the kids at his Mums where he lives. A few weeks back my daughter was grounded by him for not watching out for her brother when playing outside on the street. He'd been told not to go off on his bike and he had just to the corner of the street. When I challenged my ex re this he said I'll tell them to stay in then and I'll tell them your the villain of the piece for not letting them play. I said I was happy with that. At least they were safe. Theres no way my DD should be held accountable for her brothers safety aged 7. Later that week I got a letter from a social worker at Social Services, asking me to go in after allegations were made about my care of the children. My history of mental illness was cited and also the fact that I used constant babysitters and the kids looked dishevelled and uncared for. All complete fabrications. I'm really careful child care wise. I have a few trusted family or friends but i dont go out that much. I'm an ex youth leader as well as a parent, so I'm well aware of child safety issues. They couldnt identify the source but I think it was my ex's Mum. I answered each point and the case was dismissed. They hinted often when divorces take place that family members dupe up false charges to cause trouble and they asked me to have a word with my ex and tell him to ask anyone who was worried to talk to him or myself about any child care issues. I felt sick inside even though no further action was taken. Its been hard enough surviving the last 2 years without having to handle that.

My daughter dotes on her Dad so I have had a lot of anger directed from her since the split. Its understandable she misses him but a lot of the stuff she comes out with is very adult and its clear my ex is often the source. All I ever tell her is that Mummy and Daddy love her and her brother and that sadly we couldnt live together anymore but we are trying to be friends. The reality is different but I would not want all of this anger and bitterness for my children. I left to give them a better future too. My ex has been warned via a solicitors letter not to discuss adult matters with the children. I've has a case worker involved with my daughter for a year now. Just on a voluntary basis via a womens aid organisation. I just wanted to make sure my daughter was ok with all thats happened in our separation. They've reported back that she seems fine, just misses quality time with me, but thats been more of an issue since my son was born. We all struggle with that. I've made more of an effort to sit with her as I used to and she seems to be responding well to that. My son is too young to gauge really. I have no idea how this is effecting him. He hasnt wanted to go with his Dad on the last few access visits. So this may become more of an issue soon.

I'm seeing someone and he's a lovely bloke. We've been together a year. I wasnt expecting that to happen. We were friends first for a while and things developed from there. He's a parent himself, of two slightly older children (who are lovely). He's separated and heading for divorce. He's been very supportive and hes a good friend to my children. Its very early days though and I dont want to place to much pressure on the relationship so soon. My ex is very angry about this as well and despite seeing someone himself for a lot longer period, he seems unable to move on. He wont attend anything school wise for long if he has to sit in the same room as me. He often storms off and this is embarrasing and unnecessary. I have tried to put this all behind me and be fair but its almost impossible at times.

I'm tired of constantly having to think round how my ex will be each access visit. Single parenting is hard enough and it weighs heavily on me most weeks.

If anyone has any experience of any of the above issues or tips on how to survive I'd be very grateful.

[mashedup]

Hi.

I have a lot of sympathy for you, as your situation is the same as mine was when I split with my ex. Things were pretty hellish for a while. I tried to be nice and accommodate his requirements, was calm when he turned up unexpectedly, I'm sure you know what I mean.
I can't give you any good advice, because whatever I did was wrong in his eyes, I just got through it, (easier said than done, I know). I've been divorced 11 years now, he only stopped the nasty behaviour last year. We did have a small argument this year, but not as major as the others.
You mention you are seeing someone - I had a lot of problems when he found out I was seeing someone. He was happy to chase women, but he told me my place was in the home, I wasn't to go out, have a job, boyfriend, holidays, or go out. As I did all these, it really annoyed him.
My DCs are now old enough to visit ex if they want to, but they hardly bother.
It took me a long time to stand up to him, and I think that, once he realised he didn't scare me anymore, there was no point in hassling me. Nowadays, I see him as the loser he is, not a threat.
I hope things get better for you, and maybe others will have good advice.

[RED22]

Thanks.Its nice to have some moral support. I'm glad to hear your situation has improved slightly. That sounds very similar in lots of respects. I'm sure it will get easier one day. Thanks for taking the time to reply. :-)

[solidgoldbrass]

I think, given your XP's proven history of psychological abuse and difficult behaviour, you could probably insist that he only has supervised contact with your DC (as he has been told by social workers etc to stop bullying the children and lying to them yet has not done so). Did you use Women's Aid or a similar helpline when you left him? If so, is there anyone there you could talk to for advice on dealing with him now? Because, while you have to deal with him on some level as the DC want to see him, he is using that fact to continue his abuse of you. So really you need to minimize the contact between you and him: it's no good trying to keep it civil with abusers as they will simply carry on abusing you.

[RED22]

I have tried to maintain a distance. I was advised to find a neutral crossover point for the kids but no-one wanted to get involved in his family, or my own really. He has alienated a lot of people or turned on them if they've tried to intervene and talk to him or help the children in this way. It just wasnt workable so now I open the door and the kid go down the path to his car. Its not ideal but its the only way i could sort it out. He's very clever and maniulative in the way he acts. He does it all away from others usually and he's denied his behaviour when tackled legally. He's told me there is no problem, its just me imagining it all and its all in my mind. So its very difficult to handle. The kids love and idolise him in a way but my daughter is constantly ringing him or writing notes to twll him how much she misses him. Its like she feels the need to re-assure him and i find that a little worrying. Its not normal. She sees him 3 times a week so regular contact is there. I feel they would suffer without some form of contact and you need documented evidence to stop access or arrange supervision. I have thought about that in the past though. Theres no easy answers.

[solidgoldbrass]

Please get in touch with WOmen's Aid. This man is STILL ABUSING YOU. He is isolating you from family and friends, bullying you and manipulating your children.
They will be able to help you.
For one thing, surely some of the people he has 'turned on' - presumably verbally abused or threatened - would be prepared to make a statement to that effect. Several people stating that an individual has engaged in abusive and threatening behaviour may help your case.

[TheNewsMonger]

I have to go out now, but I am comign back to you!

[RED22]

I appreciate your advice solidgoldbrass but your not in my position so maybe you dont understand its complexity or maybe I'm not explaining this very well. I doubt his own family will want to make statements against him or my own. There are small children involved and his abuse is not constant. At times he'll change tack and remain calmer and usually apart from the odd instances there are no witnesses to the extreme stuff. I'm on my own in dealing with him most of the time. His family have tried to help him, he's often turned on them. My own friends are still very much there for me but its wearing for them too supporting me through this. I have been to Womens Aid countless times and they are very good but really this is a long term problem. He is manipulating my children but if I stop access I will face a battle from him and a lot of pain for my children, they are too young to understand his mind games. I am told by my Mum often to keep the peace and ignore it. I dont have the backing of any key members of his family either. Its easy on here to make judgements often but its not thats clear cut when you are involved in this type of situation. Thanks for taking the time to think this through anyway.

[solidgoldbrass]

Red22: I am so sorry you are going through this and you are right that I do not and cannot understand the full position. I hope that someone else who has been in a similar situation will be able to offer you more advice: unfortunately abusers like this man often are able to continue their abuse in the ways you describe - because they are the DC's other parent and psychological abuse leaves less evidence etc.
I do hope you can find a solution.

[meanmutha]

Red, this is something I am familiar with from my ex partner. He is psychologically abusive to me anf now I see him as little as possible. I hate him and feel so foolish for having children with him. But when we first met he seemed sane! His behaviour changed slowly. Things began to go down hill when we got our own place. We lived with friends until DD1 was 1 and a half. Its as though he needed to get me in a situation where he could begin to vent his problems on me. Awful. By the end of our 8 year relationship I was in tatters! The only good thing for me is that I have had to grow up, be independent, be myself, to get away from him. Spend as little time around him as possible and don't get dragged in to any arguments. And keep in mind how good it is to get rid of these people. Dreadful I know, but I wish my ex dead fairly often. Then I would be truly rid of him. ITS VERY HARD isn't it, when your children still love the man you hate!?

[RED22]

It is but as you say you do feel better for being away from it all in at least not having to live with it 24/7. I have some respite. My ex has texted me to say he has walked out of his job over the weekend to avoid having his maintenance re-assessed. I had to involve the CSA after trying to reach a private agreement with him ubsuccessfully. He was so aggressive and I gave up in the end. It was impossible and it was a relief to have someone impartial getting involved. It causes such stress even in my limited dealings with him. I was so tired of trying to reason with him and really if it was choice, I'd rather survive without his money. That option isnt the reality for now. So I'm not sure if its a bluff or what the future holds for me or my children right now but I have good friends, a good partner, even if it is still early days and good family around me too. We will survive. Thanks for taking the time to post on here. I'm sorry if I've come across as impatient at times. I'm not ungrateful, I'm just exhausted
. Its been a long two years but the kids make it all worth while. Thanks again for your kind thoughts, it does help more than you'll know. :-)

[fuzzywuzzy]

As a general rule I try and be nice to ex, and take his feelings and role into consideration with regards our children. However with ex I have noticed that the nicer I am the more advantage he seems to feel he can then take of me. He will go out of his way to make my life difficult.

So I now keep things exactly as they should be, he doesn't get changed or increased contact out of his usual hours and time, if he wants to arrange something, I tell him the time and place that is convenient for us and he takes it or leaves it. My children and I just cannot cope with his unreasonable, petulant, me first behaviour.

Bizarrely he seems to behave perfectly when he is told (slowly in monosyllibic words) how its going to be.

[Nighbynight]

lots of sympathy.

set strong boundaries for your ex, and distance yourself from him as much as you can. Try to see as little of him as possible. why did he send you that text? you should not still have this level of contact.

its not that complex actually (and I speak as someone who used to say earnestly that it was complex with my ex)!! But it is hard to see the wood from the trees in your situation. you are doing splendidly by the sound of it, just keep up the good work and slowly stop letting your ex have any influence in your life.

[teentorm]

I understand where you're coming from, Red. My XH abused me - verbally, emotionally & physically. It's hard to admit - so congratulations to you on managing that. It took me years. He's also very manipulative, has put the DCs in danger (one example - left then 5 & 2 yo's alone on a beach while he picked up older DS from party some distance away; later tried to liken that to me leaving the kids to play in the back garden!) and I've done a few rounds with the CSA. Tried mediation. All horrible. It's all taken years. He's kept his high-profile/earning job, has been with the woman he now loves for the past 7 yrs and - you would think - might be happy. However, I reckon I'm treated like a virtual cat - I get the kicking every time (I presume) he falls out with his partner. I try to keep most contact to text/email, so I can consider what I write (and I always leave it for a bit before I send) and there's evidence - should it be needed - of any inappropriate behaviour on his part. I try not to have telephone contact, as he usually ends up screaming down the phone at me - some twisted version of what happened round our separation a long time ago. His idea of co-parenting is asking me to mete out punishment when the children come back from weekends with him (his P is now rarely around when the kids are there, and if she is, spends most of the w/ends in their bedroom) for things they've apparently done at his, and refusing to discuss anything else. I have to have (minimal) contact with him regarding his contact with the kids for a number of years yet, but my advice is to keep it as much at arms' length as you can and try to move on in your life. Sounds like you're managing some of that pretty well - go for it!

[glitterfairy]

Red my X was abusive and violent to em and in the end to the kids.

I survived two years of incredible battles which all took place in court in the end and after three years he is leaving things alone for now (but I am not counting chickens).

You have tried with the solicitors letter and that is commendable. I found support form Womens Aid helped me and they gave me support for a year.

As far as the kids are concerned they will come round to things. I also think you should keep a diary of his behaviour for the future if it ever gets any further.

What you really need to do though is understand he will not give up and no matter how well you behave he never will. It is hard that someone with whom you have had children and who you loved is letting you down this way but it is best to be realistic I found anyway.

I have no contact with my X at all now. He rings the bell to collect dd and sees her for 7 hours every other week. He does not see the other two at all (their choice) and if dd wants more contact she arranges it and clears it with me. She is 9 and is now fine but at 7 was angry at us both regardless of his violence. It is so hard as you have done nothing wrong but I think younger kids find it particularly hard.