Too good to be true?

[Hikey]

Ooh, need to chat this over a bit...

The background is that DD's father decided he didn't want to see me (or the baby) ever again as soon as I told him I was pregnant. He's since messed me around a bit more but is completely out of the picture now. I was pretty messed up over it but after a bit of counselling realised what an unhealthy relationship it was and decided to move on.

So, I went online about 6 months ago and met this bloke. He's been so fantastic, on our first date he helped me unpack my van of possessions into storage (I was mid-moving house), and he's been totally perfect ever since. He has a 7-year-old daughter from a previous marriage who he gets every 2nd weekend and we all have such fun going on family days out, the kids get on really well and DD absolutely adores him and asks for him all the time when he's not there (she's 2 and a half). He's so sweet to me too, always listens, usually says the right thing, is always there when I need anything, and treats me like a princess.

All great, right? Well, yeah, but now we've started chatting about moving in together, and my imagination has suddenly started running riot. I'm thinking, no-one can be THAT good, what is he hiding? What if he's lulled me into a false sense of security and wants to get a place together so he can do terrible things to DD? (I work long hours so he'd end up with her on his own quite often in the evenings). It's not that I don't trust him, cos I totally do and feel really safe with him, it's more that I'm starting to doubt my own judgment. After all, you hear about such bad things happening with men who seemed lovely and fooled everyone... how can you know? Also, I feel a bit like I only have his word to go with on everything. I think he's been very much a family man and therefore doesn't have masses of mates and I haven't really met anyone else in his life except for his daughter, so I have no other context to help me feel safe that he's not a total con man. Um, also he has a 16-year-old step-daughter from his last marriage, and she's fine and has a good relationship with him - but again, I only have his word to go with on that.

Argh, I know I'm probably being really unfair on him! But of course DD's wellbeing is most important and if I make a mistake here it could be massively serious. Am I being completely paranoid or are these fair enough concerns? Anyone got any ideas or been in the same situation?

[ninah]

give it a bit longer before living with him, wait and see - what's the rush! Every chance he's great but would you know enough in 6 months for such a big change

[oatcake]

I'm no expert but I'd say you've both got so much time to do the moving in stuff, so just enjoy yourselves a bit longer and that way, you'll hopefully get to find out his quirks.

It's not surprising that your imaginination is in overtime... just relax and go with the flow of a wonderful new relationship. There's no rush for anything!

[Hikey]

Hmm, I guess so... I'm just so excited about the idea of moving out of our pokey little flat in the city centre to a nice house in suburbia! And it feels so nice to be a 'proper' family it'd be good to be like that all the time. I'm not very good at the waiting thing, I just feel like I'm putting my life on hold until I reach a 'conventional' point which to be fair might not necessarily be the right time for everyone. After all, we've spent loads of time together the past 6 months, probably more time than a lot of people do when they've been dating 2 years. I think I'm just impatient.

[Kewcumber]

I have had a couple of relationships seem fantastic (seeing each other a lot like you) at 6 months and be crumbling horribly at a year. I think wehn you have a 2.5yr old you need to be cautious moving in so quickly.

[Kewcumber]

not because of any risk he might pose but getting her having an in-house daddy then losing him would be very diffficult for her.

[Hikey]

Seems like everyone thinks it's too early, maybe I should stop getting carried away with my little dreams! I guess waiting a bit longer isn't going to hurt in the long run, but moving too fast might. Thanks!

[Pinkchampagne]

I think it is a little early to be thinking about moving in yet. You are still in the real honeymoon phase of your relationship, when it's all new & exciting. Enjoy dating & having fun together for a little longer, then see how things progress.

[Liffey]

Well, did you have any inner voice that you ignored the first time 'round? The father of your child I mean?

Because I used to tell myself that I wouldn't be able to trust my own judgement if I ever met somebody nice again, how would I know etc??!

but then I had to admit I had put my hands over my ears at the beginning to the gut feeling that my x wasn't all he seemed to be.

I'd advise that you tell him you just don't want to move in together, yet, but maybe if things are still going as well and you're still as happy as you are in 6 months, then you'd see no reason why not.

People say, don't mind what a man SAYS, pay attention to what he actually DOES, and he sounds like he does go the extra mile for you, helping you move etc. Does he still treat you really well like that?

He sounds a really nice guy!

[AstroPup]

If it was just you then not such a big deal to take the risk, but you cant move in with someone you've known 6 months when you have a child. its not fair on her if it all goes wrong.
You have a duty to provide her with a safe, secure home. Her home, not some blokes who's just arrived on the scene.
if its meant to be then the relationship certainly wont break up because you dont move in together.

[KatieMorag]

I agree with everyone else about waiting a bit

and i would want to meet family members / colleagues/friends first, esp those who have known him for a long time

but there ARE good men out there, although they are very hard to find. I met my now Dh when we were both single parents ( both with FT residence of our children). We have been VERY happily married for years now. So it DOES happen

[LittleWhizzingBella]

Agree with everyone and KM particularly makes a good point - meeting his family/ friends/ colleagues is extremely important, it kind of "places" him.

[Hikey]

I do see where everyone's coming from, but surely time isn't the most important thing in the world. If it feels like the right thing to do then does it not make sense to go with it? With xp I didn't ignore anything and it wasn't at all like this, I knew all the way through it wasn't going to work, but it was kind of an addictive and unhealthy relationship. This one is absolutely different, he totally respects me and dd and makes me happy and doesn't put me on an emotional roller coaster like xp did.

Astropup, it's not like I'd be putting her in some bloke's home - we'd be moving to a place that was new to all of us and one of the most important considerations would be to make sure it was a good place for her to grow up in and create a lovely little home for her. One of the hottest conversation topics has been to get into the catchment area of a good school for her so she's certainly not been put to the back of the picture.

Also, the thing is that waiting a bit longer makes the situation much harder in a practical sense. The lease on my flat runs out mid-January, and I start a new job mid-Feb, which is going to be pretty intensive, so moving house before then will give me time to find childcare, get her settled in, move all our stuff and get used to it before I get really busy. If we move another 6 months or more down the track, I'll be throwing her into a new situation without having so much time to give to her to help her get used to it. And I really do want to move - we live in the middle of London and I can't stand the thought of bringing dd up here. I guess the other possibility is to move into the house and then he can move in with us a while down the track, although I don't feel so comfortable with that idea.

[Tinkerbel6]

Time is one of the most inportant things but not the most important, I think your childs emdotional wellbeing is your number one priority rather than rushing through a relationship because you have a few hiccups coming your way in the new year. 6 months is far too soon to move in with someone who you don't really know just because he is nice to you and your child, no-one is perfect and he will have bad points which will show itself at some point, I wouldn't recommend moving in with anyone unless you know their good and bad points. Time will tell if he is mr perfect, but I think you need to be very cautious, you yourself are having doubts, give yourself more time to get to know him, do it for your child if not for yourself.

[Hikey]

OK. I have just found an 'outstanding' nursery in the area we were looking which has spaces, which I'm quite excited about but I suppose the 6 month thing is niggling a bit, and all your comments have made me think a lot, so I'm devising a new plan.

I can afford the house by myself to be honest, so DD and I could do the move in January, which would solve the problem of when I have time to spare to move and settle us in etc. Then we get the nice house, the garden, and the move at the right time. Although the whole idea came about from us moving in together, he doesn't actually have to move in straight away. When a bit more time has gone by, he can move in too. And if it doesn't work out between us for some reason, then there's no problem as all that will have happened will be that DD and I will have moved to a nice little house in a lovely suburban area, where I can imagine bringing her up long-term. That takes the pressure off at least and lets things move at a more natural pace. Sound like a better idea?

[glitteryb6]

sounds much better!

my experience...i had been on my own for 2 years, thought it about time i got back out there, started seeing a lovely guy a few times a week, he was a doctor, very well mannered, polite, considerate, generous, loved long walks in the country etc the perfect catch it would seem.

we were together about 5 months and things were moving fast, he totally understood that i didnt want to give up my house as it was my security, and said he would be prepared to sell his, move in with me and if things worked out long term buy us somewhere to live together.

he was great with my ds, cooked 3 course meals from scratch every night and generally pandered to our every whim, after a while he pretty much moved in, he was here every night and to be honest thats when the cracks started to appear,

he had spoken about other people so i assumed he had friends but he never went out with them and wanted to do everything with me, which was nice at first, a novelty after being on my own but a bit suffocating after a while, he also had loads of strange wee habits which only came out after he moved in and actually was quite moody and if im honest a bit controlling, things that were never obvious when i only saw him a few times a week.

i told him i needed some space and asked if he could stay at his house a few nights a week and he said he "would think about it" like it was his decision whether he stayed at mine or not!

he said i should be looking forward to seeing him so i told him maybe i would if i wasnt seeing him every night that didnt go down too well and it went downhill quite quickly and we finished it a few days later.

not a great story i know but in some ways im glad it moved quickly and i saw what he was really like rather than being with him for ages before moving in and ds getting very attached to him.

i think its a good idea to do the move on your own then at least its your house rather than maybe having to move again if you all live together and it didnt work out

and deffo meet his friends...make sure he has some!

good luck, hope everything works out!