Xp's blatant lack of interest in Ds is starting to get to me.

[IllegallyBrunette]

I know I should just be grateful that he sees the dc at all, but it is heartbreaking to see just how disinterested he is in ds.

He rang this morning to see if he could take both dd's to a footie match on sunday. Neither dd is actually really interested in football, but have come to realise that xp will only do things with them if it is somethning that interests him, so football it is.

Ds is 5 and couldn't be less interested in footie if he tried and plus xp never invites him anyway.

I wouldn't mind if he made an an effort to get to know ds more and even pretend to be interested in things that he likes but he just doesn't care.

He is his son fgs, why can't he make a bit of an effort.

[misi]

because he is a w**r perhaps?

I know everyone has reasons for doing what they do and feel what they feel, but as a father who has had to fight tooth and nail not only against my ex but also the court system to stay in contact with my son, I simply do not understand fathers who given the opportunity, can't be bothered to do so.

I don't know IllegallyBrunette what I can say to this. you would have thought (all the old cliches etc) that a father and his son at a footie match would be what he should want but to ignore him and take 2 girls who don't like it anyway is, well, I am not sure really!! (I know that all sounds a bit sexist its not meant to be as my 2 nieces are 2 of the keenest footie fans I have come across, one is 10 the other is 4, but as they support Man U I don't think it counts as footie really )

I could come up with many excuses that I have heard over the years, many from the fathers themselves, but really, there is no excuse. I dislike J Kyle very much, but I do like his saying about parents crawling over hot coals to see their kids if thats what it takes. apart from doing what you do IllegallyBrunette, encouraging contact etc I mean, then you can hold your head up high and say that you have honestly done everything you can. Its not right, but maybe he will be more interested in DS when he is a bit older like your daughters? your DD's seem very grown up and level headed as they have worked that out about thier dad which is a credit to you too.

[IllegallyBrunette]

Thank you

Xp does see ds twice a week and I am grateful that he does this, but I did have to push for it.

I just wish he's be more interested full stop. I k now that the girls had asked him to take them all to a firework display this evening and he had said 'we'll see'. They didn't go.

I have asked him to read ds's book with him when he sees him on a wednesday, as ds is struggling with his reading so much so that school are giving him extra help. In the 2 months since I asked xp to do this, he has done it once.

I just don't understand. Ds deserves so much better and I don't think xp will realise what he is missing until it is too late and ds doesn't want to know him.

[IllegallyBrunette]

Oh and misi, your child will be so grateful to you when they are older, that you fought for them. My dad fought so hard for me and my brothers and it is something that I will always be forever grateful for and it made our relationship stronger than ever.

[bozza]

It is very sad ib, that he is like that. And like misi says, very difficult to understand. Was he the same when you were together?

[IllegallyBrunette]

Well he has said a few times even when we were together that it is my fault because I have such a close bond with ds.

He is right, I do, but I certainly don't try to stop him having a relationship with him too, quite the opposite infact.

I love all of my kids to bits, but I think that when I had ds, our bond was so close that xp felt pushed out perhaps, and maybe jealous and I think he does resent ds a bit for that.

[misi]

thanks IB, my bond with my son goes back to the moment he was born when his mother refused to hold him. it is very strong and it is something that the cafcass officer commented on and luckily my ex has stopped her pressuring of him as it only made him go against her even more!!

his reasoning of that your bond is so close is a poor one. OK, your son is close to you but thats because his dad is far away perhaps????? as you know, bonds don't just come and go, they have to be worked at, so maybe your ex is afraid of the hard work he will have to put in to reverse the situation?

there is no reason in the world that your ex cannot have a good bond with your son excepting that if you yourself try to stop it and you are not a person that would even dream of that I get the distinct impression of.
I know what you mean about the resentment though. my ex resented my son because of his close tie with me. for the first year, my ex had little to do with him and wanted little to do with him but was extremely jealous of him too. it is not good that a parent can resent a child for its relationship with the other parent. a child can only bond with someone who puts the effort in in the first place. you may have subconsciously over compensated with your son because of your parents but if your ex does not have the same jealous feelings toward your daughters then it is a shaky ground idea.
I doubt your ex really knows why either and is something you will probably never get to the bottom of without deep counselling sessions and a long wired up probe instrument
you sound like you are doing an excellent job with the kids, be happy in that and like you with your father, the kids will be happy with you as that is about the most you can do.

[Tinkerbel6]

IB I don't think you should be grateful your ex see's your son, and unfortunately I don't think there is anything more you can do to make him bond with him, seems like the bond is not there and never will be, as long as your son knows and see's that he has a mummy that loves him very much then its down to your ex to face him when he is older and tell him why he wasn't a proper father to him, your son sounds adorable and I can't understand any parent not falling over themselves to nurture their children.

[misi]

I find myself agreeing totally with you tinkerbel6

[Tinkerbel6]

you got good taste misi

[IllegallyBrunette]

@ you two lol.

You are both right though, I just have to accept that as much as i'd like it, xp probably won't ever have much of a relationship with ds, but I also need to realise that this is his doing not mine, and that it is his loss.

I did speak to him about it last night, and as usual, he made out that he didn't think there was a problem, but then he also said that he finds ds odd because of his obsessons with star wars etc.

Ds isn't obsessed with anything. He is a little boy who like many others has big fads on toys and tries to fit as much of it into his day as possible.

Xp said he thinks that it isn't normal, but he couldn't think of a reply, when i suggested that he'd not have a problem with ds's 'obssesion', if it were football instead.

I am not going to mention it to xp again now, it is up to him.

[misi]

boys and girls get ''obssessed'' with things, well intently interested in one thing till something else comes along!!
its what they do!
did your XP by chance have a un-loving, strict, difficult childhood or had a parent walk out on him?

sounds to me that he doesn't know what it is to be a child. my son was heavily into thomas a few years ago, everything was thomas, even decorated his room like an engine but not long after, he went onto scooby, now its Ben10!!

but agree that you should leave it up to him now, do what you do, be the best mum you can be like you are. if you carry on, you'll 'damage' yourself emotionally. Xp is a prat, someone other than you will realise that one day