any 'old time' lone parents about - had 'the realisation' today - will it get better from here?

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

hi all, as you may know XH has DS for the week, I am with DP.

XH's OW has been away, XH has been with DS and has been online for most of it - i've found out that OW is coming home from where she is - anyhow I digress,

firstly - how long before XH 'drops' ds again to suit?

and secondly, I finally realised today that he's never going to be the father to DS I want him to be. I don't think he has the capability to be. and you know what I don't have the energy to fight him on behalf of DS to be a good dad - I think DS will eventually realise won't he?

So will things get better from now? am I now getting thru things a little bit more day by day?

[shelleylou]

I cant answer you first point as it depends entirely on XP, could be sooner or later or not at all.
By realising that he wont be the father you want for your ds is a good thing. It is still hard knowing that and not actually being able to do anything about it. There isnt much point in fighting xp to see your ds, can take a horse to water and all that however many oportunities you give him he will only do it if he wants. (Speaking from experience i spent 6 months giving xp opportunities for him not to bother give excuses etc)

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

I know he will do, does it ever get easier to know it but not be able to do anything about it?

i'm fully expecting when he introduces OW to DS for him to do 'fun stuff' with him - ie park, swimming, bowling etc etc.

a thing for me which is run of the mill but a thing XH has never done in order to make me look like the villain and himself fantastic - that will be hard I think having DS full of it - but then again, I already do those things with him just because I like to give him a varied life as much as poss (ie ferry across the solent) swimming in the big centre once a week etc etc. it's not all about stopping in and watching telly for me (but is for XH) oh with DS being as quiet as poss.

[gillybean2]

You can never force someone to be something they can't or won't. Whether that gets easier to deal with once you accept it I don't know. I think it all depends on how you as a person cope and deal with such things.

It certainly feels like rejection, and rejection on behalf of our child is probably harder to handle in some ways.

You say you do all those things for your son. So he's not missing out. Look at it that he is getting 'quiet time' with his dad.

And yes children definitely figure it out for themselves at some point. DOn't bad mouth your ex, but don't lie to your children and say what a great dad he is if you don't think he is, just find ways to rephrase or avoid!

If he regularly sees his son and spends time with him that's a great deal more responsible than some parents are. Accept he won't be the parent you want him to be and put it aside. It's not worth stressing over. Concentrate on your son instead.

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

I agree gilly yes totally.

I think you're right - I see DS hard work yes but he's a fantastic amazing little boy very sensitive thou, I know i'm bias to a point thou but I don't understand how/why XH would rather be out pissing it up the wall/ spending money on/pissing it up the wall with OW instead of spending £10 on his son even - they walk to the shop & back at the end of the street and that's all as XH claims poverty, he's got a sight lot more than I but I still take DS to the woods etc.

I guess I just don't understand his priorities.

[Tinkerbel6]

I probably wont get any better spandex, you just learn to accept things and come to realise that it will only stress you out if you sit and think about what your ex isn't doing for you son, you will let it go over your head after a while.

[SpandexIsMyEnemy]

how long does that take thou??! lol.. i'm infuriated on DS's behalf, but give up trying to make XH be the dad I think he should be.

sad thing is DP wants to be the sort of dad to DS I think he deserves but I won't let him (not been together long enough for me to allow that with DS just yet)