If Poppyfox were my ex

[lostdad]

A few weeks back, I briefly wondered if Poppyfox were my ex. She added a post as if I were and I have to say, it was interesting reading. Although it did confirm that she wasn?t. I said at the time I would respond as if she were. And here it is.

Poppyfox, I won?t go into the many lies we both know you have told. I won?t mention the hurt you have caused me and many other people. I will pass swiftly on the many repercussions of your actions when you left, taking him with you without saying a word to me. Because I know you?ve told them and I know you don?t care. But we also both know this is why you refuse to face me nearly two years down the line.

Even when you left I did my best to make sure our son didn?t suffer. You agreed that we needed to work together to ensure his childhood was a good one. So I tried to talk to you. And you refused to discuss him with me. So I organised professional mediation. Which you refused several times. Which left me with no option but to take you to court. Even when hearings began, I offered mediation every few months with the sole aim of ending legal involvement. Nothing would be better for our son than to have two parents who discuss his upbringing and cooperate with each other.

Then you moved without warning over 300 miles away from your parents, my parents to a place you have no connection with. And because it is our son?s right to have two parents, so did I. And if you move again, so shall I ? including if you take him abroad. I?m not saying this to gloat. I?m just letting you know, that whatever you do, I will not give up on our son. You may have grown up without a strong father figure, but I didn?t and I know how important they are. So can we get on with working together for his benefit instead of wasting time, money and effort in these silly games?

I am sick of all this, Poppyfox. I can?t believe you?re really happy with court hearings every few months and I know I?m not. The current situation is a poor substitute to what our son has a right to. But if there is no other avenue I will, albeit once again reluctantly do whatever it takes ? including the court route.

So, talk to me. Email me. Organise mediation. Whatever you want. Move forward, let us both get on with things, both work together as allies to make sure the most precious person in both our lives has the best start we can both give him ? our wonderful son.

[Liffey]

LostDad, I read that post and tried to imagine I were your x reading it, stumbling across it on mumsnet.

First of all, I do think you are a more reasonable type than my own x, but if you do get the chance to speak to her, please don't fan the flames by refering to the lies you both know she's told.

That's the sort of thing my x would say to me and it makes me see red!! I haven't told any lies and I think he has a bad memory and re-writes history and sees things from his own perspective.

I'm not your x, and your not mine, but I just wanted to give you a heads up really, as an objective, neutral woman. Everybody's version of the truth is slightly different.

I do sympathise with you honestly, because she sounds as though she's trying to erase you from her life. Pretend that you never existed at all.

If my x had ever been reasonable enough to even contemplate independent mediation, I would have been so delighted. I would have bitten his arm off!

Please can you e-mail my x and persuade him to try independent mediation? I would really love if he would consider it, as he's threatening to bring me to court for residency. He hasn't a chance of ever getting residency, so it all seems pointlessly nasty and threatening to me. Why can't he just try being a nice guy? That is the one approach he hasn't tried yet! It's not rocket science!!

I want my children to have a father. I just can't cope with being bullied and abused. And I am a forgiving person. If he started treating me civilly and with respect, I would clean the slate and start again, cos I know the break-up hasn't been easy.

[LapinsBeenMarried4Years]

I can't believe that an online forum is the best place for you both to resolve your issues

[Liffey]

I disagree actually. I think it makes you think twice about how reasonable your actions appear to the outside world, which gives some perspective. It cools your jets really!!

Also, he and poppyfox discovered that they are not eachother's exes, so this is merely a cathartic exercise. Where's the harm??

Are you happily married? Durr!

[Liffey]

ps, lapins, my own x will only communicate with me through solicitor's letters now so although the best way to comminicate may be around a big table with a cup of tea..... that's not one of the options iykwim.

[lostdad]

It was more a response to Poppyfox's post than anything else. And she isn't my ex (although from her posts, I wish she were)

If my ex does ever talk to me, I wouldn't refer to the past at all (lies included). If she did, all I would discuss would be what we can do from this point forward in our son's best interests.

Everything else is pointless.

[lostdad]

Liffey...you get him to contact me and I will...seriously.

[Liffey]

Yupp, half of the battle is wiping the slate clean isn't it?

So, you gonna e-mail my x for me!?

Where was this independent mediation company btw?? Was it very expensive? Is it private or a gov body? Was it like relate where you both had to go together and sit side by side, or could both parties set out what they would like, and the mediation try to find the middle line and 'arbitrate'?

[LapinsBeenMarried4Years]

Liffey, I wasn't criticising lostdad's post and I don't see what me being happily married has to do with it (although I do see now that my Halloween name might be insensitive on this particular topic, I apologise for that). I just mean that they seem to have some serious things to talk about and surely there must be a better way to do it!

Although now I am confused because it seems she ISN'T lostdad's ex and he was just having a cathartic rant - in which case, as you were!

[lostdad]

I'll email your ex for you...

www.nfm.org.uk/index.php?page=Home

NFM (National Family Mediation) - not sure if they are government or private, but they're a professional body. Organise all kinds of mediation and this sort of thing is their speciality.

Not sure how they actually work though because my ex refused. Even though they even offer `shuttle mediation' where you don't have to sit in the same room.

[Liffey]

No sorry, when I said durr, I meant Durr LIffey, because I thought it was part of your screen name! I wasn't implying that you were less entitled to an opinion.

[Liffey]

lost dad, did you get my e-mail address yet? check your inbox.

[lostdad]

Wasn't a rant - was a considered response. Waaayyyy past the need to rant. I'm in my sick-to-the-back-teeth phase.

You need to read my first paragraph, Lapins.

[Liffey]

No worries lapin! I'm the Queen of the Faux Pas actually. I had to ask a father to be Santa, and I just blurted it out without pausing to explain that he had been carefully selected because he had garda clearance, he was tall, naturally grey, his voice isn't known to the children etc....

But he just said, "oh gosh I guess I'm the fattest Dad am i?

felt rotten!

[lostdad]

Liffey - trying to work out how to find my inbox...will check a bit later!