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how hard is it being single with kids

27 replies

fairy15 · 04/10/2008 21:50

am in the process of leaving my partner & taking my 2 boys 11 months & 2.5 years. I'm not worried how I will cope with ds but the money side of things. He doesn't know I'm leaving so I can't seeing him giving me any as I know what his like. Is it tight?thanx

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Von73wirral · 04/10/2008 22:28

I think this all depends on why you are leaving your partner. If you don't work you can get benefits but its not much and you can claim csa from your ex.

Good luck and if your doing this for you and your kids big hugs for being so brave.

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fairy15 · 05/10/2008 08:02

I'm leaving because he is violent towards me & I have had enough. He has a dd from a previous relationship & much to my descrace he is avoiding paying csa, telling them he hasn't had letters etc so I'm pretty sure I won't get anything out of him. Although he was told by the csa that he had overpaid & told his dd mum that he would pay it to her rather then going through them but she wanted more. So I'm pretty sure he won't pay me anything.
Am just so worried about the money situation. My mum was a single parent with 3 of us & my dad paid a little bit & she still struggled, I don't want that for my boys. I'm hoping to be able to go to college so when the boys are old enoughfor school can work.

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colacubes · 05/10/2008 08:16

i was a single parent of one ds, from birth until he was 9, it is not impossible, it can be hard, you will have bad days, kids playing up, bills, but it is nothing compared to an abusive partner.

I loved living alone, being a single mum, its not that scary once you take that step. if you are scared of being skint, then you are going to have to come up with a plan, sounds simple but, work toward something, a college course that we help you earn more, i did a degree full time while working full time, knackering but worth it.

You are in control now, you will decide whether you have a good day or not, not him, that will be the turning point you need. Good luck, you will be fine, I was, my mum was, your mum was anything is possible, go and have a great life. CC x

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beansmum · 05/10/2008 08:24

If you were on benefits you wouldn't be able to keep much of what your ex gave you anyway. I'm on benefits and ds's dad doesn't contribute anything and it's fine, I have to be careful with money, I can't always buy everything I want but I can always buy everything I need. You should be able to get benefits while you are studying, and help with childcare costs. Probably the best thing to do is talk to someone at your local job centre, or CAB.

Honestly though, however hard it is it's going to be better than being in a violent relationship. Good luck.

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jellyjelly · 05/10/2008 08:39

Hello you can be on benefits and still keep the csa money it depends on which ones you are on.

You can call gingerbread and they wer fabulous to me much better than cab.

It is hard work being a single parent and the first few weeks/months are the worse but it gets better.

I have been a single parent for 2.5 years and i dont want it any other way now.

You can do it,

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PersephoneSnape · 05/10/2008 09:06

benefits is just about to change - you can keep £20 a week from 27.10.08 on income support and JSA.

all the very best of luck, you're absolutely doing the right thing. it can be rough sometimes when unexpected bills surface - but it will be better for your boys to grow up in an environment where their mum isn't being subject to violence. you can get help with childcare etc when you're studying - make an appointment to see your lone parent adviser at the jobcentre.

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onlyjoking9329 · 05/10/2008 09:14

you say you are going to leave him, can you not get him to leave? How are you going to manage housing wise?
I think it must be better to be a single parent than in a violent household, will you have support from your family?good luck.

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AMAZINWOMAN · 05/10/2008 09:22

You will feel much happier, knowing the had the strength and courage to leave a violent man. You will be able to walk down the street with your head head high, and be soo proud that you left him.

You will be proud and happier, which will mak your kids happier too.

You will only be on benefits for a hort period, not for ever. And while you're on benefits you won't starve, and you'll have a roof over your head. You will be in control of your money though, and you will feel so much happier without him. This is much more important than having lots of money!

Lots of single parents cope without money from their ex.

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fairy15 · 05/10/2008 09:45

Thanx everyone. I spoke to the helpline for domestic violence & they said about a womens refuge but also my sister has offered to take us in. His not the kind of man who would leave this is why I am navi g to do this without him knowing. I also have a thread in relationships about this. I'm not expecting a great deal if money just want enough to get by & be able to get the boys new shoes when they need them etc. I am looking forward to being on my own with just the boys.

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Tinkerbel6 · 05/10/2008 10:41

Take the offer up from your sister, in the meantime take yourself down to your local council and speak to the homeless section, living with your sister will be seen as overcrowding and it can bump you up the housing register, when you have got yourself straight maybe you can privately rent if yu don't get housed and you will get your housing paid, you can claim Income Support and Child Tax Credits, welldone for taking the step to leave him.

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Lmccrean · 05/10/2008 11:01

First, I want to say well done - you seem very calm and organised. (even if you dont feel it)

I havent read your other thread, but a friend of mine was in a similar situation. In the 3 weeks before she left him she gathered all her important documents (birth certs, passports, medical cards etc), a set of car keys and a new simcard and left them at mine with a bag of clothes, nappies etc. I had a list of all her familys phone numbers and addresses in case of emergency too. When she left, she came and got the stuff from mine and straight to hotel. HTH

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fairy15 · 05/10/2008 13:07

I gave my friend all my paperwork yesterday & am selling lots of stuff to give me extra money.
Does it take long for the council to find you somewhere? & does it normally have a cooker & washing machine?
Thanx everyone I'm feeling a bit more positive today & am starting to look forward to it espically since his still laying on the sofa in his dressing gown!

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gillybean2 · 05/10/2008 19:09

There's an awful lot of people of the waiting list.

You will need to ring the council every day and you will probably have to accept something dire like an unsuitable b&b in the meant time and wait to be moved. However if your sister has sufficient room for you (ie your not all sleeping on the floor of her bedroom) then you won't get moved as quickly as you will have somewhere.

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fairy15 · 05/10/2008 20:55

really. We're going to be in our own bedroom. How long is the average time to wait?

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NK25543c72X115a94d223f · 05/10/2008 21:24

You say he is not the kind of man who will leave....

I am going through the same. This is what I have been advised.

If he is violent towards me I need to ask him to leave the house, if he will not go I phone the police and they will remove him - what follows depends on your individual circumstances and what you want to do.

If you don't want to leave then apparently you don't have to but you need to get advice tailored to your own circumstances to work out how to go about it.

I'm no expert as I;ve not been through it yet but just wanted you to know what I have been told.

My sister could have stayed in her home if she had wanted to. Her DH's name was on the mortgage but because of his violence the police managed to keep him away from the family home. In the end she chose a completely fresh start instead.

So often you read about how hard it is to be a single mum and I think that can be very scary for people in this situation - as if escaping would be worse. I'm pleased to read the posts on here because I suspect how hard it is really depends on what you are comparing it to (i.e. what you had as a mum with a DP)

Good luck.

I doubt you will regret it.

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fairy15 · 06/10/2008 07:19

thanx. i just know that if i asked him to leave it would take the police to have to remove him & if its during the day i don't want theboys seeing & i just know that he will keep coming back & i just would'nt be able to relaxfor fear of him smashing a window or trying to kick the door down in the middle of the night & where i live the police are pretty bad & slow. thanx for relpying.

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Tinkerbel6 · 06/10/2008 10:02

fairy I have been on the housing register for 9 years, lol, the council won't house yous traight away and they will try and get you to stay with family members first, that is much better than being put in a b&vb, hostel or a ymca, I wouldn't rely on the council to house you unless you are willing to rough it for a few months, I think thats the last thing you and your children need, move in with your sister and build up some capital to privately rent.

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fairy15 · 06/10/2008 14:05

thanx tinker, do the council pay toward some of your rent if you are in private renting?

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gillybean2 · 07/10/2008 08:25

You can claim housing benefit whether you are privately renting or housed by the council. So if you would be entitled to claim that then yes you can still claim it for a privately rented property.

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Tinkerbel6 · 07/10/2008 09:48

yes fairy, if you look on your local council website if will give you the rate for your area so you can either use that to rent or add to it for a bigger property, if you work part time then you probably wont get the full amount but you will get some help.

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SmugColditz · 07/10/2008 13:40

warn the police that you live with a violent man, and you are going to ask him to leave tonight(or whenever). This should give the ample time to prepare for the worst

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Liffey · 07/10/2008 18:09

Fairy, I know what would've happened if I'd asked my x to leave. He would have punched me and then thrown my mobile down the toilet.

I had to post some stuff home to my parents' house, just enough clothes and all our birth certs etc, because I needed to be able to walk out the door and look like i was coming back. He rumbled me and assaulted me anyway though.

Make a diary of all the times he assualted you or was violent or abusive. I wish I had done that. I am a single mother, and I'm SO glad I left my x. He was a domineering, mean, aggressive bully, and no, I've never had a penny out of him!

But now he is looking for custody of the children. I'm not too worried. He'll never get it. But this is my punishment because I dared to ask for money after 14 months of managing. We do get by, just. We have the essentials, but I have no car and we haven't been on a holiday. BUT THERE IS NO Size 13 shoe on my soul, like there was. I haven't regretted it for a second.

As soon as you leave, report the violence too. I have spent the last 15 months trying to move on, let it go, forgive. I have moved on though. But I finally reported the violence to the police, only this morning can you believe it? 15 months later... But maybe now I can forgive him, for my own sake, and move on. sorry, this is only half relevant to you and I don't want to drag you down with similar but different stories....

GL.

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fairy15 · 07/10/2008 20:24

how did he know you were going? Does he still see your dc? Were the police ok when you spoke to them about it? My brother is a cop so I think it may be time to talk to him about it.

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Liffey · 07/10/2008 22:11

Fairy, he was suspicious anyway because he found a pair of boots in an envelope addressed to my parents' house. I said that my mum was going to wear them. But it was summer and he had already caught me coming bcak from the direction of the post office.

on the morning I left, he asked me outright if I was coming back, and I actually said no. So I outed myself really. I just couldn't lie. I got one last 'assault' for it,but I'm glad, because he'd be even angrier if I'd said I was going back and I didn't.

The police were really nice. I was so worried they'd be a bit dismissive. Because it's not like I ever lost a tooth or had a broken nose or anything like that. And so I felt a bit embarrassed saying tothe police officer earlier on, and then he pulled my hair, and he shoved me across the room and he jabbed me with his finger.. I felt like it all sounded ludicrously melodramatic and self-indulgent. But my x was really menacing. He was a domineering controlling bully. The violence wasn't really the worst of what I put up with. It was being called a useless midget, a twat, a c*, a loser, an idiot... constantly being mocked, criticised, undermined... all of that was far worse than the aggrssion tbh.

I now have to go to the gardai and they will forward my statement to the reference that the UK police have given me. I only hope that the gardai are as nice.

Fairy, don't be put off by what I've said. I left him 15 months ago, and it's been 98% happy and 2% hassle or stress. I'm SO happy I left him.

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nobodyputsbabyinacorner · 08/10/2008 21:02

u are definitely making the right decision, and you will be entitled to enough benefits to live on, you could start with lone parent advisor at job centre like someone else said and they will guide you through what you can claim initially. well done for having the courage to leave and have a better life for you and your boys. My friend rents privately, housing benefit pay most of rent, she works 16 hrs a week so gets tax credits and child tax credits, and 70% of cost towards childcare, and has enough to live on coz she budgets carefully. Have just become a single mum last week and going thro looking into benefits etc. I think if you can work 16 hrs a week then you will get more. good luck xx

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