Mums with partners making ignorant comparisons!!

[sleepylion]

Lately, I'm getting super annoyed by mums in partnerships claiming that their life is just like that of a single mother! It really gets my back up and I have to bite my tongue! They talk about their partner coming home late etc. As if that even comes close to what we experience 24/7!!

Mostly it drives me nuts, because it gives me the feeling they have no idea just how valuable the input of their partners is. Like they take them for granted.

Can they even know what it's like to do everything alone. Including watching your child's milestones alone, and praising your child alone, food shopping alone, eating dinner alone, sleeping alone. Tying to do the d.i.y alone? Don't they know what it means even to share the weekends with their partners? To go walking, to see their partner make their baby laugh, to make decisions together? Watching their baby grow together? Even if their partner is busy and late home. Big deal. At least he comes home in the end! We have to live day by day knowing noone is going to walk through that door.

I don;t go around moaning to these friends. Not at all. BUT, a little imagination on their part wouldn't go amiss. I just dont appreciate them suggesting that they are in any way close to being in the same boat as me!! That's just bloody ignorant. I feel sad thats i'm angry about it, and kind of let down, as I thought of these people as friends before all this. But these statements make me stand back and feel a rift.

Does anyone else know how I feel on this one?

[FAQ]

hmm interesting one - I split with my H in March this year - I used to feel like I was a single mum most of the time - and you know what - things aren't really very different for me now (in terms of looking after the DS's) than they were before.

I still get up and do the breakfast/school run on my own (he used to stay in bed) , I still have to look after DS3 during the day, and I still have to do the evening routine on my own (he was at work).

Even once he got home at 10pm (or later) he may as well have not been there, we never talked. Despite him being at home in the mornings (usually) he rarely came to any of DS1's school things (harvest, Christmas etc) - actually come to think of it he's been to more since we split than he did while we were together!!

I used to food shop alone, I used to eat alone - not much has changed there.

I do understand where you're coming from (well obviosuly I do I@m single ) but life for me now isn't much different to what it was 12 months ago (oh actually it is - I see more of my friends and have people over for coffee more often )

[ChasingSquirrels]

actually, my experience so far is pretty much like FAQ's. Practically my life is probably easier, ex is more involved with the kids now than before, and makes more effort to see them. Emotionally it is harder, I miss him, I miss sharing our family, I want a shag (but then I am ovulating so that's hormones as much as anything ).

[sleepylion]

I think I need to explain further. My daughters father has never been involved. I'd find that a whole different ball game, if he came to see her once in a while. But there is no contact. So, it;s really only me in her life.

[Pushpinia]

I know what you're on about Loula...sometimes I long for someone to actually understand how it feels. But most of my friends are married couples.

I know life with a partner can be shitty too, but the unrelenting loneliness - and 'aloneness' actually, is horrible.

Just knowing that you haven't got someone on your side is the worst thing for me. I often think people who have that luxury, don't understand quite how hard it can be to face the world (or even the children!) every day when nobody is backing your corner.

Army wives do have it very tough but they have that person, just they are often far away. We don't even have them in our heads to think of and smile when things get heavy.

[ChasingSquirrels]

yes, I can imagine that is a whole different ball game, as would be an involved but useless ex, an abusive ex etc etc etc.
But, refering back to the comment on partnered mums thinking it is hard in their circumstances - it probably IS, for them, and other circumstances would be harder, or easier.
You cope, or otherwise, with what life throws at you.
And MN is a good place to let it all out.

[onlyjoking9329]

i know what you mean, i had a friend tell me the other week that she would love it if her DH worked away so she could be husband free for a week or 2, i wanted to say try being a widow and then you will see what it is like.
the same friend told me how nice it must be to have full control of the remote control and not to have to pick up smelly socks.
i would love to share the remote control and picking up socks would be bearable, i think thou people like to try to say they have something in common or try to point out something that they see as a positive.

[oldraver]

Only joking.. in cases like that I tend to be facetious and say.. "I could always bump him off for you". It tends to make them squirm ever so slightly

[PoppyFox]

Yeah I've heard that. I know what they mean though, up to a point, because I used to feel that once upon a time.

And in some ways, it's worse waiting and waiting for help that never comes, or watching the clock hoping somebody will come home in time to do what they promised to do.

If you know there's nobody coming home you are in a different mode.

Having half of somebody can be worse. So althoguht their situation is different, it's not great either.

[RambleOn]

But some 'partners' only input to the household is sweaty socks and whinging.

Until you've walked in someone elses shoes, don't feel resentful of them imo.

[mybumpsaboy]

god, yes, I agree SO much loulahoop....just glad someone else had the balls to voice that feeling!!

Again, of course I know everybody's feeling are relevent to themself, & of course some relationships are hideous....but it begs that question, 'Is it better to feel alone in a relationship than actually BE alone entirely?' And I think a LOT of people, deep deep down would say yes even if they'd be ashamed to admit it, otherwise quite frankly all the people who ARE in relationships but whinge about them, would have found the courage to leave....& some days I don't wonder why they stay &put up with it, because being completely alone is officially the most terrifying & soul destroying thing.

My relationship with ex was no less lonely than the life I'm leading now - more so in fact because he only gave affection on his terms, blanked me most evenings, & stopped me seeing friends & family. Now at least I have a social life!! But it really is a case of knowing someone will come home, at some point (my ex quite often stayed out without warning so even this was under fire...but yet he DID come home in the end)...or knowing you MIGHT get a text off them at somepoint in the day...or that there's a point cookinh a dinner or getting yourself dressed etc etc. And yeah, it's actually at the HAPPY moments that you miss having someone to share it with the most

xx

[LittleMyDancingForJoy]

The thing is, we all have things to complain about in our lives - by coming on MN I'm daily reminded of what much more difficult challenges some people face than I do, and I'm sure there are people out there who are better off than me in the areas that I'm not doing so well on.

It's really difficult to understand what it's like to be someone else and to face their problems, so of course having a partner who who comes home very late isn't at all the same as being a single parent, but it's a valid challenge that person is facing in their life so they're going to express it.

But saying that it's 'like' being a single mother is pretty insensitive.

[teenspirit]

You can have my dh for a week and you'll send him back and think it's easier to be a single mother - I only wish I was joking. Some men really are useless -which is why every so often a middle aged woman decides to become a lesbian

[Kewclotter]

yes I understand I even did it by choice and dont;compalinbut I do understand.

I also think there is a wide continuum of "LONE PARENT" from those like ou and I who are genuinely lone in every sense of the word to those who have a supportive (from the childrnes point of view) ex-partner who takes up a proper place in raising the children.

Even people who think their partner is a waste of space doesn't appreciate thefeeling of claustraphobia that can set in once your toddler is in bed and you know thats it - you can't leave your front door until the follwoing morning. My 70 yr old mum had to drive herself to A&E last night at 10pm because I didn't have a "useless" partner who was snoring in bed who could be left with DS in bed.

That slightly scary feeling that no-one caresfor your child the way you do. I was in hosptial last week and the thought that there was no obvious person to have him if the worst happened was the lonliest feeling I've ever had in my life.

On the upside - I don't have to pander to a partner and I'd far rather be a contented single than in an unhappy marriage.

If anyone comments about how much easier it would be to be single I just laugh merrily. it isn't a contest afterall!

[Pushpinia]

Kew, I didn't realise you were single. I am in awe of how you coped with all that last week.
I'm under threat of having to go into hospital as well - though hoping it won't happen - and the worst thing about it is that I'd be leaving my boys behind.

Can't get my head around that, even though I know my mum would be ready to jump in and raise them if something awful did happen.

x

[Kewclotter]

the wors thing was not having DS around almost as bad as not knowing if I was going to have something seriously wrong. My mum did step in admiably bless her but she is 70 and in remission with cancer so isn't really a viable solution in the long term. My siser has said she would have him and make sure he went to a "lovely boarding school" and come to her for holidays and my brother is a bit barking mad. He may still be the best choice.

I have only known being on my own though and overall its a great life, I certainly don't wish for anyone elses life. Though just occasionally it would be nice to say - I'm going for a walk be back in half an hour. But he won't be 2 for ever and I don't want to wish away his babyhood so my life is a little easier.

[Kewclotter]

it is differnt for me though push - I chose to do this on my own. I knew what I was getting into (like hell I did, but in theory...!?) so I don't have the resentment that I have been let down by anyone.

I look back at my ex-P who would not consider IVF or adoption and think "Thanks God I'm not living with 2 children - only one real one!"

[elastamum]

Last year my DH was away for months and even though I was married I got used to parenting the kids on my own. This year he has left us for good. Two major differences are that I now have no one to share my problems with or chat to at the end of the day and also that I now get out more as I have every other weekend off

[Pushpinia]

Lol Kew I know what you mean!

Your little boy is beautiful and very lucky to have a great mum.
Let's hope that both of us stay around long enough to watch our sons turn into big burly men, eh?

[allgonebellyup]

i used to say i was just like a single mum cos (ex)dh used to work into the night and quite a few weekends.
God, i didnt know i was born!

For me, its not the practical stuff like getting them to bed, sharing chores etc that gets to me, its the emotional stuff - you've nobody in your head, nobody to talk to about your day, no sex, no hugs, no nothing.

i would quite happily work and look after the kids by myself, but God, it is lonely as hell.
i wish i had listened to my friends not to finish with my lovely dh just cos we hit a rough patch

[Kewclotter]

oh god yes I do miss the sex

[mybumpsaboy]

awwww allgonebellyup.....do you still miss him?? Is there no way you'd ever get back together if you feel like that?

& as for the sex lol....tell me about it! For now I'm trying to put off the whole dating thing etc for a while, but I've got a stupidly high libido & don't know how I'll last!!! & yet, the thought of sleeping with someone without that emotional attachment, & who's not connected to my child....just seems so weird now!!

[lostdad]

allgonebellyup - sounds familar. I honestly believe that had my ex hung on for a couple of months, things would have got better (our son was 3 months old when she took him) and none of what happened would have happened.

And I agree with you totally about the emotional stuff - if I have a lousy day, all I've got is an empty house to go back to at the end of it. I even had our dog rehomed because he would have been on his own all day (and even better...he bit someone and was put to sleep after a couple of months, making me feel even worse).

I manage perfectly well on my own...but it'd just be nice to have someone to share times with.

[onlyjoking9329]

its the emotional stuff that i miss most i think, i can get babysitters and mates to help out with some stuff, it is the lonliness and the responsibilty fatigue that get to me and the fact that there is no possibility of the kids seeing their dad ever again.

[fransmom]

i hate the loneliness too oj ((((((((((())))))))))

[onlyjoking9329]

i am going out tomorrow i have a babysitter and everything