How much should XH see his kids? What can i do if i want him to see them more?

[pandorasof]

Hi,

Been divorced for over 5 years, never made any legal agreement for the childcare of our 2 boys. My XH now thinks that his 'responsiblity' is 24 hours a week. Literally he'll pick them up on a Friday at 6 and at 6 sharpish Saturday he brings them back! He has had them for one week during the summer but thats it for the year. When they are there they love it, i believe boys need a male role model, as i am still single. He's a good Dad but he will not give them any more time. He sets the days he sees them and can never do any extra if i ask. Do i have a leg to stand on if i went to a Family Law Solicitor asking for a couple of extra days a month. A whole weekend would be nice. He's remarried but i'm realising that my limited free time may be hindering my success at finding someone new. To be honest if it wasn't for my Mum picking up the slack with babysitting for me i'd have no social life!!! Am i being unreasonable?

[Spero]

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable but I am afraid there is nothing the law can do for you.

Although you can get court orders to stop a parent seeing children or a parent can apply for court orders to make the parent with residence permit contact, I am afraid there is no legal route by which you can force a parent to have MORE contact.

It is very, very sad for your boys.

Have you thought about mediation or some kind of family counselling? Maybe he just doesn't appreciate how you are feeling and how good it could be for him and the boys if he had weekends with them. How old are they? if they are very young he might feel he doesn't know what to do with them - could you help with suggestions about where to go, what to do??

Good luck.

[pandorasof]

DS's are 7 and 10. I understand what you said Mutt, but he is a good Dad when he sees them. I've had a tough year, when a relationship broke down for me, XH still didn't offer to have his children a little more even though he could see my distress at the time. 3 months ago i asked him if i could drop the boys to him for an hour after work so i could go to the gym, explaining that my Doctor recommened it to help with depression, he texted me back saying 'I'm not your babysitter'. I feel like i'm hitting my head against a brick wall!!!

[Skramble]

You are not being unreasonable, but perhaps unrealistic. A regular 24 hour with him isn't hat bad going by what others manage. Anyway I didn't think Mums were allowed a social life anyway .

I can't even get a regular night a week. He has one evening a week he is supposed to see them but can't always come. When he does it is about 6pm to 8:30pm and I have to give them dinner before. Its a pain as it is the only night of the week they don't have activities and I would like one night with them with no running about. He has come up with the great idea of having them over night Friday, but its a night that DS doesn't finish his activity until 9:30pm so they won't get to bed until about 11pm. Plus exH usually works Saturdays so I don't think it will happen often.

[citylover]

I am in a similar position. I naively thought that when we split he would comply with our agreement which was every other weekend and one night per week.

Judging by some of the posters I am lucky that he has them when he does - usually every other weekend for 24 hours and grudgingly one night in the week.

But imo that is not enough for the reasons the op says they need a male role model and they need their dad.

I have to continually nag him to see them more.

And also I need a break. In order to see someone tonight it was like a military operation and ex insisted I pick them up from his rather than them staying overnight. Mainly because it does not suit him to take them to school in the morning.

He also backtracks on all sorts of things we agree to suit him.

I feel for you and cannot understand why they are so reluctant to see their kids. Especially when there appears to be many fathers (including the guy I see on and off) who have obstructive partners who block acccess. (I am not saying they are always wrong to block it by the way).

I positively encourage them to see him and want them integrated into his new family, even though it causes me some pain and resentment.

I feel hurt on their behalf.