Lone Mum, Daughter & Boyfriend's Mum

[NonnaP]

Hello I'm new to mumsnet and hope to be able to offer help to others. I hope there may be someone out there who'll understand the subject and maybe have experienced similar. I can do the intellectuallising about this. Inside it feels like someone else has trodden through my guts and made statements at the end of a trial.I am now 60 & my younger daughter (M) 24 has just graduated & is moving to London and will be sharing a flat with b/f. B/f's mother has told me that I need to let go of my daughter & let her make her own decisions and that she (b/f's m) will be glad of the peace when M goes away as she's had enough of M's telling her about 'our screaming rows'. Yes M & I have argued & will continue to do so. B/f's mum thinks it's childish to argue & we should talk rationally to each other. How do I learn to do this.

[purpleduck]

Do you shout at your friends..?

Sometimes parents think they have the "right" to shout. May sound silly, but try treating her like you would a friend...really listen, act interested, and BITE YOUR TONGUE!!!
Good Luck and welcome to MN

[nappyaddict]

She is right. I have a somewhat volatile relationship with my mum and used to with my sister until she moved out. Now although I can't spend too much time with my sister cos she gets on my nerves we are much closer since we aren't in eachothers pockets. For this reason I really want to move out from my mum's in the hope it too willbring us closer.

[NonnaP]

Thank you PurpleDuck for welcoming me! Your response made me think about 'friends' and I'm thinking that when I shared a house, yes I shouted & they shouted too. It all seemed normal in the seventies. If someone else's cat shat in the bath we were outraged rather than inraged if you see what I mean. But I don't live with friends now. M & I have talked ..listened with respect etc. She has been away to university & worked abroad and it's when she's back home that the diffs start. I think I prefer my intellectuallising approach as that tells me it's transitional/adjustment stuff for both of us And there's no other adult ego in place apart from b/f's mum which is why I chose lone parents. I feel defensive cos I've done BITING MY TONGUE bit through a divorce when M eas one years old

[NonnaP]

Dear nappyaddict, thanks for your response. Sounds like very similar situations and yes we all get on better when there's more space and not in each other's pockets. My elder daughter is married & we all get on brilliantly. I do think in lone parent households, the 'single' parent has to be a 'double' parent. And it would be a psychologically unhealthy family or group that never had fallings out. What hurt both me and my daughter M was that b/f's mum was so smug and arrogant about it. I'm sure it will work out for you when you do move out. Good luck

[NonnaP]

Good news daughter M has signed contract for London flat. More srories later