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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Rubbish rubbish day wwyd?

11 replies

ninah · 10/08/2008 18:18

Was looking forward to a 'day off' today as ex coming up. He's been seeing dc since Jan once a fortnight, I've been going along too, gradually trying to pull out of it and let him develop a relationship with them. So was hoping to go off somewhere today, even if just back to bed for some sleep!!. Just before drop off ds is in tears, begging me to stay, saying he is scared of exp. The last time he had them apparently he was generally impatient, nothing serious, but he can be intimidating. We all had lunch, then it rained so exp said well I'm off then, can't do anything in this. Horrible horrible day. Was hoping he'd have them for a week but how can if he's going to be vile to them?

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ninah · 10/08/2008 20:18

what do I do? force ds to see him? ask ex to make more effort? Anyone with any experience of this? so

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singyswife · 10/08/2008 20:25

'I'm off cant do anything in this'. He needs to use his bloody imagination when playing with his kids. There is lots you can do in the rain. That aside, I think all you can do is keep doing what you have been doing, that way kids are keeping a relationship with their dad and he is hopefully learning from you how to treat them. With regards to getting away from the children for a bit (cause we all NEED to do this from time to time), is there no one else who could have them for you??? Maybe exp could have them in your home for a couple of hours to let you go shopping or something. That way the surroundings and toys are familiar for dc. Hope you can work it out

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ninah · 10/08/2008 20:33

He doesn't play with them. He buys them lunch. He gets bored and irritated when they bicker. He lives a three hour drive away and we meet outside the home. He wasn't good to be around as our relationship deteriorated, and I'd need to trust him a bit more to have him in our home. He knows why and understands. I thought things were going much much better and I was horrified when ds came out with this this morning. We also have met a nice family locally and the dad spends time with dc, ds said he wished he was his dad. I know ex didn't have much of a home background but I wish he would try. I badgered him into regular contact, after a year of nothing, but it's worthless if the visits are as miserable as today's.

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singyswife · 10/08/2008 20:42

Oh dear. I dont know what I would do. If you badgered for contact you cant really stop it now can you. However, is it worth it if the dc are miserable as a result of his company. Maybe go a few weeks without seeing him and see if the dc miss him and if he misses them.

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Fluffybubble · 10/08/2008 21:01

On a positive note, it's good that he has come 3 hours to see the dc...Do you think that he needs some guidance with what to do with the children? Like sw said, it will be useful for him to learn from you how to handle them, but you also do need the time to yourself...

Can you backtrack a bit and let him have the dc for just a short time, to take them swimming, or to the park, cinema etc. Maybe he won't get so frustrated if there is a plan, and the children will know that it won't be long until they see you again. Even if it just amounts to a couple of hours to yourself in the beginning it may be better than nothing??

You might be able to aim for the Oct half term for overnight visits?? Is so hard when they don't want to go, I feel for you...

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singyswife · 10/08/2008 21:12

Yes that would be a plan. Backtrack and maybe get him to take them to the swings for 30 minutes or so and then come back to you. HOwever, they are of an age to make up their own minds so you might have a battle on your hands. Alternatively take them to the park and then you sit on a bench while he plays with them. I hope you can get this resolved soon. You all need to be happy again!!!!!!!!!

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ninah · 10/08/2008 21:38

thanks for all the sensible advice, I do appreciate it! just spoken to him on phone. Explained ds said is scared, at first he laughed but then took it on board and says will try to cuddle more next time.
Also stressed - once again! - how we should have a plan for visits, not just mooch around, but that it's up to him too as it's his time with dc.
We are away for fortnight soon, I did think about asking him if he wanted to stay in hotel near and have more time with dc that way but on reflection I don't think I can take any more, will start afresh when we get back.
The problem I have with overnight visits is that when we were together I used to look after his older son at weekends, while he was in pub!
I do feel so for ds.

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Fluffybubble · 10/08/2008 21:59

I struggle with this too - ultimately, you can't change him...I find it so hard that my ds's dad in not involved the way I'd like him to be, but am (very slowly!) trying to accept it. Realistically, if he is only going to be involved to a limited degree maybe you have to adjust to that...

Have you got some support (friends/family) where you are that can give you a break? It sounds like relying on him might not be the way to go, maybe accepting the limited amount he can offer will make it easier in the long run (for you and the dc). It is really sad, but you didn't plan it this way, and you can only do your best with what you have. You sound like a very caring mum, and it will probably be that your dc will have their dad in their lives in some form, so things are not all bad!

It's good that you can talk to him about how your dc are really feeling... it is something to build on at least.

A holiday sounds good, hope you have a good time and manage to chill a bit!

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ninah · 10/08/2008 22:09

thanks fb! sure you're right. I think it's made it harder seeing my ds with local dad and how close they seem. I suppose in a way it's for exp too not to have that.
I think a break's just what we need. Don't have much support with dc, local dad took ds off in truck for couple of hours unasked on sat and the sheer kindness rather undid me.

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Fluffybubble · 11/08/2008 18:09

I think it's really nice that the local dad is making an effort - I've found that lots of my friend's husbands have made a special effort with my ds since exh left. You have lots going for you, and it sounds like your dc will have some very positive role models around them too.

I am rubbish at accepting help, but I think that you/we need to do so in order to stay sane! Am sure your dc are lovely and that people would love to help you out with them. Maybe when school starts back (if they are school age) you will get back to some kind of normality, and maybe your ex will slot in somehow - is very difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes, but it IS there!

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ninah · 11/08/2008 20:13

bless you for that, bit more cheerful today. We've been here a year now and are starting to make some lovely friends. Ds is school age so yes, you're right there too. We've come a long way. I must just remember not to expect too much of ex!
thanks fb and sw!