Eur-feckin-rika! Amost 6 months to the day...

[bignutbrownhare]

... since we split, I am standing in my lovely kitchen, drinking wine and making dd organic mini burgers. I can hear her little sleep noises on the monitor, competing with the sound of the rain drumming on the windows. Just had a very civil txt exchange with xp about him picking her up tomorrow for his two-hour access slot and have realised that I don't love him, I don't want him, I don't miss him, I have no desire to spend any time with him apart from pick ups and drop offs. Just wanted to share that, because a few weeks ago I was still in pieces, but when hope (that he might still love you and want you back) finally closes the door with an almighty slam, and you have to face the truth, a little window cracks open to let in the fresh air.

[daffodill6]

Good for you - you'll have ups and downs but now you've had the 'up' - you can do it again and again!

[kara0811]

congratulations!! that must be such a good feeling! i am only 3 months in, and now quite there yet, but good to know it WILL happen! xx

[justhavingamoan]

good for you!!! enjoy your wine!

[prettyfly1]

good for you. like kara i am nowhere near there yet but working hard and cant wait till i am

[charliecat]

love your last sentence

[RambleOn]

Fantastic post BigNut

[bignutbrownhare]

Prettyfly, I followed your original thread and you're doing amazingly! I'm know there will still be awful, sad, despairing days, but now I've let go of false hope, I'm hoping that the good days will eventually outnumber them. Why is it that men move on at the drop of a hat and women nurture so much hurt? I guess we're just hardwired in different ways.

[RambleOn]

Yes about the nurturing hurt - but we nurture everything - that's why we get the kids

[PurpleOne]

And the nurturing HEART too.

You are doing amazingly well. The good days will increase in numbers.
What a lovely post BNBH.

Nights like this are so peaceful aren't they!

Wishing you all the best for even more 'up' days x x x

[prettyfly1]

ah - well done bnbh - and thanks so much. i have good days and bad but slowly slowly its getting easier. i got told lst night he is seeing someone which was like a kick in the gut but at least it means he will leave me alone.

[bignutbrownhare]

Prettyfly, I was dreading finding out my xp is seeing someone else (I think even if he didn't tell me, his DS would - last week his DS was with his (XP's) mum and his mum told me xp 'wasn't feeling well', then his DS piped up with 'Daddy's had an operation so he doesn't have any more babies' PMSL!! ) now I just want to get it over with, it will be another stage forward for me. I don't think I'll lose any sleep over the thought of him with someone else, but I hate the thought of some woman playing happy families with my DD when he has access.

[prettyfly1]

just got back from councelling and i think the acceptance that he never loved me has finally kicked in. since it all went down i have just cracked on and gotten on with it all refusing to even look at it. i havent talked to friends or family, havent given myself a moment and until tonight didnt even really address it with the councellor other then to say "i want to forget it and i am here to make sure i never repeat it". i have said he didnt hundreds of times- to him included but now its sinking in. in one way dear god it hurts but at least i am accepting it now and no that moving on is not far off. who wants to be with someone who doesnt love them?

[bignutbrownhare]

Knowing someone doesn't love you anymore (or knowing that they never did) hurts like hell, but accepting it really is part of the healing process. Things will keep moving forward for you now, although sometimes it may feel like one step forward, two steps back. Stick with it, keep reminding yourself you're a strong woman and devoted mum who deserves to be loved and respected, and he's an arsewipe who's unworthy of you. Revel in the unconditional love you share with your ds and if there's people you can talk to about what's happened and how you feel in RL, you'll find that really does help too.

[prettyfly1]

thanks bnbb. it does get a bit isolating sometimes!