Toddler tantrums when returning from dad

[Traineetoddlertrainer]

Help! My DS (21month) has started getting very upset when his dad drops him home after an access visit. It's only started recently, but today he was in tears and it took ages to calm him down. It seems to start as soon as he realises that his dad is going and I'd love some advice on what to do about it.

Bit of background: I left his dad about a year ago (DS was 10 months), XP didn't see him for 8 months (he was on a sulk) and for the last 4 months he's seen him Sun aft and either Frid or Sat morn. They both seem to love it and I'm really glad it's going so well especially after the break.

But - now the tantrums. It obviously can't be split anxiety - I think he just really loves seeing XP and is upset to be coming away from dad fun. D'ya reckon more dad time would help (XP is very keen)? I'm concerned that it might just make things worse, with increased tantrums rather than the 2 /week we have at the mo. Or is this just a toddler-type phase that should improve as gets older?

[snotbuster]

I think it might be a phase, my DS had one in similar circumstances and it passed after only a few weeks. Very upsetting at the time though.

[gillybean2]

A week is a very long time in a toddlers life. Children hate missing out and being parted from their favourite play thing. Little and often is what is advised for younger children and babies as far as contact goes.

More contact at such a young age would definitely be a good idea imo. It's much easier to explain to a toddler that it's 2/3 sleeps till he will see daddy again than it's a week...

So try and get some midweek contact going. Even if he picks him up and takes him to the park or library for an hour or so.

And get your ex involved in saying '3 more sleeps till you see daddy again'. You can even put a chart on the kitchen wall and tick them off etc. If it doesn't help then you can always rethink again. But it sounds like something they both want and probably need.

Also good on you for considering this. So many people think the best thing to do is to stop contact all together which will stop the upset. This makes things easier for them as they don't have to deal with teh tantrums. Usually more contact is probably what is actually needed!

You can always say you'll review it after 3 months or something.

Gilly

[lostdad]

A phase.

I have a son the same age and the same sort of thing has happened. My ex has suggested it is because contact visits are too much' for him but there are a whole host of possible reasons.<br /> <br /> If he's ever upset at handover he's fine within 5 minutes and has a great the time the rest of the time with me. My ex tells me he throws tantrums the next day however and has intimated she wants to cut contact (as Gilly says above).<br /> <br /> I am more than willing to be flexible, but my ex is a Mum knows best' type so isn't willing to consider any alternative arrangements (apart from want to cut contact, naturally).

[lostdad]

Traineetoddlertrainer: Talk to your ex. Tell him your concerns and listen to his.

If both of you are flexible - and are willing consider `little and often' you'll get over any temporary problems you're having.

As I often say on here...wish my ex was as reasonable as you!

[Traineetoddlertrainer]

Sorry - no time to get back to this last night. Thanks very much for all the advice. Unfortunately due to work circumstances (work 4 days/week hour from home - DS in nursery up here with me), it may be difficult to get the "little and often" option, but I do agree that this seems to be the way forward. Will see what we can do. Tanks for all the advice

[gillybean2]

Well even if your ex can pick him up from nursery and bring him back to you going via park/library that would be worth a try.

Is your ex able to be flexible with his working hours? He might be able to have him all or part of one of the days he would normally be at nursery. My last bf would have his daughter on a friday and work on a sunday instead while she was at nursery. That way her mum who was also working could have weekend time every week and so could he. Just his wekeend was friday to saturday every other week and friday the inbetween weeks.

There's always solutions if you both are willing to try

Gilly

[mankymummy]

if more frequent contact isnt possible can he talk to his dad on the phone?

my DS did this and occasionally now still cries when exP goes, or has tantrum the next day "i want daddy. dont want you" type thing.

just try not to take it to heart...

[Alexa808]

What about seeing each other on skype? Could you download that? Buy a cam and mic and off you go. They could say good night to each other, etc.

[ivykaty44]

Distraction, distraction, I found the length of time with daddy didn't matter - it was the inital parting so asked for dc to be dropped at 5pm as this was early enough to go and do fun with mummy. We went of swimming at the local pool - a fun thing to do on a Sunday afternoon and tiring aswell so lots of big sleeps that night

Just wait for the "i want my daddy" and then say yes and when you are with daddy you say to him"I want my mummy" cos they do and the look on thier faces that you know their tricks!!!

[fransmom]

i would love dd to have more time during the week with xp, he didn't phone her for two days cos he was busy at work balls he forgot to cos he couldn't be arsed to remember. i then had a clingy 3year old crying herself to sleep for those two days cos she thought she had done something worng to upset him

[fransmom]

sorry, rant over. i meant to say i get the same thing. she realises then that i have differrent rules to her dad, i try and explain that different people do things differently (and fume inside about him undermining me) but it is hard cos i thinkhe lets her get away wth things that i wouldn't, like manners etc