My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

feeling very sad today :( Please talk to me.

34 replies

ratbunny · 10/06/2008 20:07

so h and I are separated. he had an emotional affair with sme woman 10 years younger, says she is still his friend so I said I cant be his friend anymore. we were together 15 years. he has run off and left me and 16 mo ds, so he can have his freedom etc etc etc

he is such an arse, I hate him so much for how much he has hurt me, and for whathe has done to ds's family. ds loved it when me and xh were together with him

but today I am feeling so sad. grieving for the life we could have had. I know there is no gong back, but every time I hear from him (to arrange contact with ds), I crumble. It would be so much easier if I never saw him again. I keep hoping he will see what an arse he has been, and regret what he has done (even though its very likely I wouldnt take him back). At his worst, he was selfish, unreliable, lazy and let me and others down etc etc. But I still hopee that together we could sort things out, that we would be a proper family.

I feel so sad that all of our past counted for nothing. That he wasnt willing to try. That he is being so selfish. That he has totally dumped me in it - after all he can get out every night, but I am stuck in while ds sleeps. That the future I was looking to has changed out of all recognition.

I keep looking back to the turning point - when he essentially chose work over our family by cancelling our holiday abroad when work asked him to come in. I keep thinking about what might have been, if we had just got away that week. We were trying for a baby, and moving house to accommodate a larger family. Then he decides he cant be arsed any more.



I feel so sad and confused.

OP posts:
Report
dolallylass · 10/06/2008 20:15

I wish it was easier for you. I wish it was easier for us all. I hate my xh, am sick of always being the ones who has to do it all. Don't know what to do.

Ffs don't mourn him get back out there find someone better and give yourself the future you want. Every second you waste thinking about what it could have been a second you could be ploughing into your new life.

Don't let him get away with doing that to you and then destroy yourself. Get strong now and make a brighter future.

(Wiping away tears as my xh bastard so maybe not the best frame of mind for advise giving, but you have my heartfelt sympathy)

Take care. Huge Hugs xx

Report
saffycat · 10/06/2008 20:18

YOur post sounds so like the place i was in 8 years ago. My xh left when ds was 15 months for another woman (a friend in fact) - although he wouldn't admit it until i had evidence - the slimeball. I felt extreme rage at his and her betayal and great sadness at losing him and losing 'a proper family'. I feel for you and although it feels unfathomably awful at the moment you will survive and i am sure that things can only get better for you.

Report
Upsydaisy1 · 10/06/2008 20:19

As I read your post I sit here with tears streaming down my face for I am in the same position as you except for the fact that the reason for my DH leaving doesn't involve another woman, but for the fact that he is having some terrible emotional breakdown. This is due to several factors in his life but the worse being that it came out after the birth of our second ds that he was sexually abused as a child by his mothers partner. He buried this for years and it came to light when his abuser got in touch with us 3 weeks after the birth of ds. Things have gone downhill since then and Iknow how you are feeling.

We too had just had a baby and were looking to move and then suddenly he's gone. I just don't know what to do with myself. I have 2 dcs and I just want to crawl under a rock and stay there.

When I think about what we had, the dreams and plans we had it breaks my heart. I will be back but I just need to make some bottles for baby...

I would

Report
saffycat · 10/06/2008 20:23

Three years later I started internet dating, I had a great time and met a few really nice people (who i knew very quickly that i wouldn't want to have a relationship with - but the evenings were fun anyway) Then I started chatting to someone who really seemed to be on my wavelength, we met and the rest is history. Five years later we are married with a three year old daughter and i am happier than i ever was with xh - although when i was with xh i could not have imagined anything better. You never know what's round the corner.

Report
ratbunny · 10/06/2008 20:23

If I only I could see into the future to see myself when I am over it. That I WILL be over it, cos it doest seem like that right now.

saffycat - exactly right - the rage and the sadness at the loss of the family.

I just dont understand it. I thought we were pretty strong. I thought we had a future. I keep going over things in my head, and I know I shouldnt but I cant help it.

And it doesnt help that I cant leave the house cos ds is alseep, and all my local friends are either single or have young babies.

OP posts:
Report
ratbunny · 10/06/2008 20:27

((upsy daisy))
I think xh is also having an emotional breakdown. I believe he cant cope with the responsibility of being a dad - he had an awful childhood and his dad never bothered with him. I honestly dont think he knows how to be a father.
But I would support him if that was all it was. I would remain his friend.
But I cant take the betrayal of the emotional affair and that he said he still wants to be her friend, and couldnt say if he would get with her or not if she left her bf (?!?!).

You are so right about te=he dreams and plans being the thing that breaks your heart.

saffy - what a positive story. Dont feel I can wait 3 years tho!

OP posts:
Report
ambercat · 10/06/2008 20:44

Ratbunny, i could have written your post. I am feeling exactly the same ( h left 2months ago for a 24 year old). It feels like a bereavement, some times my grief is overwhelming.

Having said that today has been a better day, i am trying to keep busy so i don't have time to think. Do you have a good support network around you? friends and family you can talk/cry/rant at? i have found this really helps although i'm sure some off them are sick of hearing about it!

Big hugs to you, we have to believe things will get better xxx

Report
mistressmiggins · 10/06/2008 22:13

girls
it IS a bereavement
you are mourning for the life/future you had which has now gone
thats fine & you should mourn

one day you will feel better or able to function without giving ur ex a 2nd thought

my ex left (kicked out) Nov 2005 and here I am still in my house which I now own, with a new partner who adores & cares for me & my DCS (we dont live together yet)

life does go on & one day you will be able to look forward to a DIFFERENT future which could be better

you deserve to be respected and our exs have disrespected us...it hurts and makes you feel you have done something wrong but maybe they are just not right for you and someone is looking down on you & freeing you for a better life

hugs

Report
ratbunny · 11/06/2008 19:09

'someone is looking down on you & freeing you for a better life'
What a great way of looking at things!

I am having a better day today. I think that the hours after I talk to him I just go over things in my mind, but after a while I stop doing that and just get on with my life.

And I have felt so strong for a good few days now, so I guess it was about time I had a little down again. I feel like I dont want to grieve our future, as I have been so hurt it seems disrespectful to myself to think things could have been good iyswim.n Like, if he didnt need me then I sure as hell dont need him. But suppose I must allow myself to do this, otherwise I will never come to accept things, and properly move on.

Thanks for all your messages.

OP posts:
Report
mistressmiggins · 11/06/2008 19:49

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/121408?

have a look at this thread - it was posted just after I kicked exH out....

I have been through the mill but am out the other side.

I still have hassles with my ex over children mainly cos the OW is insecure about me and causes problems for us but there we are. Cross we have to bare and as another MNetter said to me last week, he's an ex for a reason.....remember you DESERVE better. Your DS will be ok so dont worry about that. Look after yourself so you can be best mummy to him.

CAT me if you want to chat x

Report
ratbunny · 11/06/2008 20:06

I have read (bits) of your thread. I love the bit - I love him. I miss him (etc), but I will tell you lot instead. That is a great way of doing things!
All of those things you describe - like how could he walk away from his family, crying (after he saw his kids? cant remember, sorry). It is so familiar.
I skipped to the end of the thread and saw how much stronger you were. It was great! It is quite inspirational, tbh, to see how someone has come out the other side.

OP posts:
Report
ratbunny · 12/06/2008 16:07

I will post again, in the vain hope that people dont mind this thread carrying on

please someone talk sense into me! I am setting myself up for a fall tonight.
xh is coming over to put ds to bed at 6, and I am going out to do a bit of sport.
I have the house tidy (to make a point, really), and I want him to see how strong I am. But all of this is really so he will want me back (though I still dont want him back like he is, he'd have to do a lot of work). I think I just want that power shift.
See, I'm still thinking of him. I am not over him. And I just feel that after he goes tonight, and is the same arsehole as he has been recently, I will get all down again.

Someone PLEASE help me prepare mentally for this!!!

OP posts:
Report
ambercat · 12/06/2008 16:25

Oh god i am just the same! Trying to get my life back on track and make an effort, i tell myself i'm doing it for me but deep down i want him to want me back

Really don't know what to advise but want to let you know you're not alone. I guess its still early days for us both and only time will help.

Hope someone will be along who can help more xx

Report
ratbunny · 12/06/2008 16:27

Its rubbish isnt it
I am telling myself I wouldnt have him back, and that I just want him to want me back so I can tell him to bugger off, but I am not sure it's true.
Its a confusing time, isnt it?

OP posts:
Report
ambercat · 12/06/2008 16:37

So confusing, when i think about what he has done over the years,shagged around without protection and now this affair it makes me so angry, espcially as he is leaving me! it should be the other way round.

Wheni think logicly about it i know there is no way i want him back but emotionally i can't seem to switch off and the love is still there for the man i thought he was. Its doing my head in tbh.

Wishing you luck for later, come back here and let us know how it went.

Report
ratbunny · 12/06/2008 16:40

well my plan is to look nice (for me - my new motto is always look good, cos you never know who you might meet), swan out swimming. ponce a fag off him ( I have run out, and dont want to buy a new packet!), and swan in casually about an hour later.
I am also taking the precaution of taking anything private with me...

Reminder to self : I am NOT his friend. He is an arse.

OP posts:
Report
taken4granted · 12/06/2008 19:47

Rat bunny hopefully things went ok - remember he walked out on you so he isnt really worth bothering about - if he can do it once he can do it again and it would be easier next time - its hard but try and make plans for you and ds that dont involve him in any shape or form.

I was like you initially tidying house when he came round to see dd but after finding out hes been having affair virtually since dd was born (shes 7 yr old now) has really made me think - Im waiting for the Im getting mrried and strating a new family bit which if Im honest will kill me but only for the fact that he doesnt give a shit how it affect dd ass far as Im concerned he couldnt do anything now to get us back on track hes a lyer and thats not a trait I want my dd to grow up thinking is fine so try to think of things like that instead of the life you could have had think of the life you are GOING to have without him - think of anything positive dont dwell on the negatives - I know there are lots of negatives but there will be some positives look at how many MNets on here have been through it and come through the other side. You can do it girl youre a better person without him Take care

Report
ratbunny · 12/06/2008 20:37

taken4granted - thanks for that!

he came round. his old parking space was being used by someone, so he wheelspan around it, and I just thought - what a twat.
I was civil, but not friendly. I CAN'T be his friend while he is still entertaining thoughts of being with this woman.
When I came back, we had a very brief talk about his car stuff I found for him. Then I sat down for chips and he went withut saying goodbye. I thought - arsehole.
I rang him to check what ds was wearing in bed (not sure if he was wearing pajama trousers - he dressed him in a long sleeved top when he asked him to put him in a short sleeve. )Again, short, civil, but not all-friendly.
Then he rang me back and said he can't bear how I am and he wont be coming back. ds wont see him again.


I am now confused, angry and worried. ok I wasnt friendly, but neither was he. But I certainly wasnt nasty.
he is not emotionally stable at the mo.
Will he really cut ds out of his life?

OP posts:
Report
ratbunny · 12/06/2008 20:38

taken4granted - thanks for that!

he came round. his old parking space was being used by someone, so he wheelspan around it, and I just thought - what a twat.
I was civil, but not friendly. I CAN'T be his friend while he is still entertaining thoughts of being with this woman.
When I came back, we had a very brief talk about his car stuff I found for him. Then I sat down for chips and he went withut saying goodbye. I thought - arsehole.
I rang him to check what ds was wearing in bed (not sure if he was wearing pajama trousers - he dressed him in a long sleeved top when he asked him to put him in a short sleeve. )Again, short, civil, but not all-friendly.
Then he rang me back and said he can't bear how I am and he wont be coming back. ds wont see him again.


I am now confused, angry and worried. ok I wasnt friendly, but neither was he. But I certainly wasnt nasty.
he is not emotionally stable at the mo.
Will he really cut ds out of his life?

OP posts:
Report
ratbunny · 12/06/2008 20:38

taken4granted - thanks for that!

he came round. his old parking space was being used by someone, so he wheelspan around it, and I just thought - what a twat.
I was civil, but not friendly. I CAN'T be his friend while he is still entertaining thoughts of being with this woman.
When I came back, we had a very brief talk about his car stuff I found for him. Then I sat down for chips and he went withut saying goodbye. I thought - arsehole.
I rang him to check what ds was wearing in bed (not sure if he was wearing pajama trousers - he dressed him in a long sleeved top when he asked him to put him in a short sleeve. )Again, short, civil, but not all-friendly.
Then he rang me back and said he can't bear how I am and he wont be coming back. ds wont see him again.


I am now confused, angry and worried. ok I wasnt friendly, but neither was he. But I certainly wasnt nasty.
he is not emotionally stable at the mo.
Will he really cut ds out of his life?

OP posts:
Report
ratbunny · 12/06/2008 20:38

bloody pc!!

OP posts:
Report
mistressmiggins · 12/06/2008 20:38

cant prepare you love
it's how life is for you now
you need to look after yourself and try to accept he has gone
it's hard and I still struggle every now & again and I am 2.5 yrs ahead of you.
my exH is still with OW so I have to deal with the fact my children spend the weekend with exH & HER.

she DOES have issues with me which I find amusing. Infact today I told exH to ditch OW and find a new partner as we would then get on fine....but it wont happen.

am annoyed with myself for still being bothered but I am only human.

concentrate on yourself & your DS and try not to think about him cos you cant change anything...and if he's done this once, he will do it again

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

ambercat · 12/06/2008 20:55

Well done ratbunny for being civil. What does he expect from you? Can't believe he won't see his son again! he sounds like he is trying to get a reaction from you, don't give him one! stay calm and wait for him to contact you.

How are you feeling now?

Report
ratbunny · 12/06/2008 21:09

I just broke into his email, and this other woman (that he is allegedly not seeing cos she is with her bf still) has sent him an application for jobs for them both to apply to.


if he goes off with her, and rejects his son because of her, I just dont know how I will react.

I will HATE him

OP posts:
Report
mistressmiggins · 12/06/2008 21:19

he wont reject his son
he will/has rejected you
dont look at his email
it will just upset you

[hugs]

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.