Effect on Child - court action

[wildfish]

Wondering if anyone has experienced this.

If your Ex went to court to force a child(ren) to stay overnight stays with them, and the kid(s) DID NOT want to stay overnight, how did the kids react?

Did they just accept it?
Did they build up resentment?
Did they love it?

Short term and long term ?

Thanks

[gillybean2]

Sometimes children say they don't want to do something out of loyalty to the other parent when in fact they really do. And sometimes they really don't.

How old is your child and why do they say they do not want to stay overnight? Are you encouraging this to happen or are you not wanting them to stay overnight either? Having a bit more background would make it easier to give you some advice and help is all

Gilly

[wildfish]

Hi gilly - didn't want to bore the regulars with my story again.

I was asking for experiences. For example as you said if it was loyalty then I assume the child would be happy. I was wondering court action ever back fires? If children actually resent the parent afterwards or hate going over to the other parent? Or do they always accept and enjoy it?

Might make it easier to accept the inevitable.

[glitterfairy]

When my X took me to court over access it backfired badly for him. He has sought to prove emotional abuse, coaching amongst other things.

He was violent towards the kids and eventually this came out but I had to work really hard and put in a complaint about our cafcass officer, in order to get the voice of the kids heard. It is that which is crucial and the family courts dont always get it right. The voice of the children needs to be heard loud and clear.

The whole thing took two years and was extremely stressful for everyone but especially the kids who really suffered with questioning. They had a guardian appointed in the end who was brilliant and really listened to them and they also had their own solicitor.

My X has ended up with very limited contact with one of his children and my two eldest taking the decision not to see him or speak to him at all. My eldest dd has not seen him for a year and a half now.

No one ever found that I had behaved badly in any respect but I was grilled all the time which was extremely stressful and my mothering skills were constantly scrutinised.

When we got divorced I had offered overnights and mid week contacts but the court case and his constant behaviour towards the case finished them off in his eyes.

They had the court reports read to them and were kept fully informed and know how his behaviour was viewed and that he lied constantly.

It has destroyed their faith in him and any chance of a normal relationship in the future.

I would never recommend the courts if there is any other way of dealing with things. The children are the most hurt by the process. I have no problem with the kids decisions and wanted them to feel a sense of control in a situation which is often decided by adults on their behalf. It was hard to achieve that until their voice was heard and listened to and until I did not present that voice and they had proper representation.

If you asked my X I would say he thought it had all backfired but that doesnt stop him sending abusive emails threatening me once again with court every time he doesnt get what he wants from the kids.

[wildfish]

glitterfairy: phew! That was hard. And even after all that he threatens to go back!!

[glitterfairy]

It was hard wildfish and I really think I would never take anyone to court over a principle.

I believe that the kids ended up with what they wanted but that had changed because of the process and because as it went on he got increasingly bitter and took it out on them by hitting them.

No parent should hit their child in temper and no parent who says they care should take their partner to court if there is any other way of resolving issues.

He is a bully and I actually spoke to him today because I like to keep him in the loop about education etc simply to prevent any further court action and what I needed to say was complex. I have only spoken to him on three occasions over the last three years. I made it clear that when he threatened court we all suffered and the kids were scared and his reaction was then I should behave!

I give up really with him and know that whatever happens my kids will know I fought hard for their rights to be heard and considered in everything.