Right or Wrong? The last goodbye or is it just more complications?

[whosridingonthePinkyPonk]

Had to name change.

Would you or have you had one last night together with your ex partner even though you are splitting up? Reasons for and against please. My instinct says no.

[mummyofaprincess]

It really depends on why you are splitting up.

My XP was cheating then he left me for OW so i would be a NO!

[whosridingonthePinkyPonk]

Well we got divorced after a fairly long marriage. The divorce itself was fairly angry for lots of reasons. For financial reasons we have still lived under the same roof until now. He has had another relationship (finished) since. I haven't on the basis that I just don't need the stress of it all, have work to focus on and concentrating on the kids. Recently we have got on fairly civilly but he has changed the dynamics by saying he still has v. strong feelings for me and could we not have one last night together.

[VinegarTits]

Very bad idea imo, will only complicate things, dont do it.

[gillybean2]

He wants his cake and to eat it. He likely just wants to 'prove' to himself that you can't be without him. Some men seem to need to feel that they are a sex god and you'll swoon at their feet just because...

Also ime men tend to see these things very much as sex only, whereas women seem to put all kinds of emotional attachments to it that simply aren't there for the man.

In the long run it will probably make no difference to him and he'll likely think you'll give in another time if and when he wants to have another 'just one last time'. If you think this will be some way to move forward and show you have no hard feelings and he still cares for you then think agin. If he really cared about your emotional wellbeing and feelings he wouldn't be suggesting 'one last time'. He'd be leotting you move on or be saying lets get back together.

Yes it can be nice to think you're still desirable and that you weren't that bad really if he still wants you. Been there myself! But when he turns around and rejects you again and says it means nothing, was just sex or a bit of 'fun', and that nothing has changed it can be even more painful.

Think very carefully before jumping on in. On teh other hand maybe life is too short and you should just go for it!

What do you really want from this? And is that what he's offering and wanting too...?

Gilly

[whosridingonthePinkyPonk]

Yes my instinct says its a bad idea.

Gillybean you talk alot of sense. I also think he is quite scared of the fact that I will really move on and settle in to life without him quite happily. I instigated the divorce by the way but not for another person. Mostly I think this would be unhealthy for me as I really need to distance myself emotionally and for him and it would set a precedent. But as you say, a tiny part of me thinks, life is too short, I'm not getting any younger and should just see it as sex/a bit of fun. But would it be fun?
Groan, I thought I'd got away from these relationship dilemnas...

[Anna8888]

Why on earth would you contemplate sex with someone unless you were in love with him?

So - are you in love?

[Lila07]

"For the last time" should tell you something.
Things seem to be still a bit raw between you, so think what would benefit you from doing it for the last time, how are you likely to feel afterwards?
For a bit of fun, maybe someone with no emotional ties, or maybe someone who is committed to you and the children and prepared to work things out if need be.

[VinegarTits]

I dont think you need to be in love to contemplate sex, i do think it is his way of keeping a hold on you/not letting go of the relationship, if you give in once he will want 'just one last time' again and again, he is cluching at straws, he has already told you he still has strong feelings for you, he doesnt want to let go. If you are serious about wanting to move on, do not have one last time with him, if you think you can salvage your marriage to him, do not have sex with him, start by talking and solving the issues that lead to you wanting a divorce in the first place. DO NOT have sex with him, yes life is too short, too short to complicate it by having sex with someone who is not willing to let go of your relationship and allow you to move on with your life!

[whosridingonthePinkyPonk]

VinegarTits you are voicing what I'm thinking.
I would sincerely like to think we could be real friends in the long term not least because of our children but also because we have literally spent half our lives together. But we wouldn't be divorced if we could function as a couple. And you are right I don't want to smudge the dividing line.
My instinct is winning. But how do I communicate that in a sensitive way that doesn't lead to confrontation, hurt feelings, rash actions or just plain anger. Emotionally I think he is in a bad place at the moment.

[SixSpotBurnet]

Listen, even if he is angry - you have faced down his anger in the past and come through it.

I seriously think you have an awful lot to lose by doing this. You've been so strong. Don't put it in peril now.

[gillybean2]

he will be upset and angry however you say it, because you are rejecting him. But he will get over it and hopefully see that you are right.

You simply have to say something like

'I want you to know that I have given this proposal some thought and not just dismissed it out of hand. However I can not agree to one last time with you for several reasons, the main one being that I do not want to do this.

We are not a couple any more and i feel that it is therefore not appropriate for us to have a sexual relationship. It's only natural for us both to have feelings for each other still, but doing this won't help us to come to terms with our situation as it is now and to move on.

More importantly we need to remain friends for the sake of the children and work together as their parents. I think one last time would lead to un-necessary complications and possible misunderstanings and prevent us from being able to work together effectively for the best interest of the children.

These are my feelings and I hope you will respect them and not try and get me to change my mind because I have made this decision and intend to stick with it.

You might disagree with my decision, but I hope that with time you will see it is for the best.'

[ChasingSquirrels]

or you could just say "no, I don't want to".

[whosridingonthePinkyPonk]

Hi SSB! I know, I know.
Gillybean2 - I will try something along those lines.

Thanks for everyone's replies. Sometimes I need a bit of help engaging brain or even just confirming what I am thinking!!

[madamez]

It would definitely be a bad idea, because it sounds like the reaons he wants sex with you is the reason a dog pisses on a lamp post- he wants to mark you out as still his territory.
Unless he's an absolute scumbag this isn;t going to be his conscious thought process, more of a primitive instinct, but your instinct to refuse is very sound.

[whosridingonthePinkyPonk]

Sometimes i think it was easier when we were both so angry a few months ago. Why can't 'friends' mean exactly that?

[gillybean2]

Because women and men are wired differently by and large. Don't mean to offend any men or women by that comment, but ime I have found it to be true.

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[Lila07]

Being in a bad place has nothing to do with sex, or doing it for the last time. Having a hard time emotionally and having sex for the last time is just got nothing to do!
Men are absolutely hilarious I think, really!

[lostdad]

We're a regular laugh-a-minute..

[IllegallyBrunette]

It will complicate things, believe me I have been there and done it, and it set me about 1000 steps backwards, even though it was me who initiated it.

[Tinkerbel6]

don't do it cause he will keep coming back cause he can, the best thing a woman can do to keep her dignity is to not give herself to someone who don't treat her right.

[Lila07]

lostdad

Don't take to heart, I am generalising here and its wrong, but still yes SOME men do make me laugh!