SO IT'S BEEN A FULL WEEK..........

[fawkeoff]

and i have not cracked up, but am still feeling really sad about things. I know it's for the best and have honestly acknowleged that i am not in love with him either, we are working towards a friendship, not just for us but for the children.

I have reverted the bills into my name
and i am de cluttering the house, start as i mean to go on

told the DC, DS is too young to really understand but DD is 5 and knows that
"mummy and daddy love each other, just not enought to live with each other anymore, but we love you both so much and we always will" she seems to be adapting quite well at the moment. we have sorted maintenance out and everything is ok.........but i just feel so sad and scared that i am going to fuck up as a single mum i have never really lived on my own and it is a scary thought. sorry for the waffle iu just need some reassurance because i feel i am going to sink....and i have exams until the end of june

[AtheneNoctua]

awww.... one day at a time.

[fawkeoff]

i know baby steps and all that....i really wish i could just fast forward in 6 months and everything be ok, it's just shit

[niceglasses]

You sound like you are doing very well. I can't imagine how hard it is. You have a lot on your plate - take it easy on yourself.

[fawkeoff]

i will try to, im just trying to figure out how to work the carpet machine.....ive had it 6 months and never used it. I am just focusing on the kids and the exams....i cant affors to fail these because i have to focus on my future now

[AtheneNoctua]

What are the exams?

[Pinkchampagne]

It is frightening, but you sound like you're doing really well, and are explaining things well to your children. I'm sure you will do a fine job with your children, but I know how scary it is, especially the very early days. Take care of yourself.x

[fawkeoff]

thnks for your replies, they do mean a lot to me right now......i am doing my G.C.S.Es, if i pass these i'm going to do my A levels in september then UNIVERSITY if all goes well, my dream job is social work

[AtheneNoctua]

I have to go now. But hang in there. Someone else will be along later.

[fawkeoff]

thanks for the replies i understand that everyone has their own worries and things to do x x x

[IllegallyBrunette]

You got through the first week, and that is something to be very proud of.

This time next week, it will have been two weeks, and so on and so on, until eventually it becomes normal. You will get a routine going, probably even get to like some of the time you get to spend on your own.

I had never lived on my own before I split with xp either, but it definatly has it's benefits.

What subjects are your gcse's in ?

[fawkeoff]

thanks illegallybrunette that has made me feel tonnes better. I am doing sociology, psychology, english and history.

My dad has just rung me and he and my nan are buying me a new washing machine because mine is on its last legs , i know it will get easier in time for me and i have to ride it out.......i need to stop feeling so bloody sorry for myself, there are people dealing with so much worse than me. at least i am walking away with my dignity and pride and it's amicable

[piratecat]

hey, your feelings and your problems are legitimate, and your own. You just have to ride them through, and offload when you feel the need.

good news about the washing machine tho!!

[IllegallyBrunette]

Bliney you are brave doing all of those in one go. I'd like to do my English gcse at some point.

You are allowed to feel sorry for yourself, I do it alot LOL

It is good that the split is amicable, and you deserve credit for that too. I am not sure I could be amicable with my xp even if he were with me.

[fawkeoff]

i know im shitting myself at the minute

i have my english tomorrow morning
history tomorrow afternoon
english on thursday again
history next wedensday and not sure about the other dates.....i really hope i pass them because i so want my life to have its own meaning without there being a man IYKWIM....he actually offered to carry on paying my bills but how would i ever be independant if i allowed that to happen???? he would always have something over me.

It could be worse and i should be relieved that im not feeling bitter or heartbroken but i just want to be able to be strong for me and my babies at the end of the day, it just feels really hard today

[PurpleOne]

But fawked....you ARE being strong for you and your babies!

It's only been a week.

Cut yourself some slack, and take it day by day. An amicable split also makes things a lot easier for you all too. Less stress.

FWIW, I've just started 2 OU courses. Worrying whether I've taken on too much, but eldest dd said 'You won't know until you try mum'

It could be a lot worse, but it's not.
Keep hanging in there, and you'll be just fine. trust me

[ChasingSquirrels]

good luck with the exams.
As IB said - 1 day at a time.
I am nearly 3mo down the line (his choice not mine), and I know exactly what you mean about fast forwarding life (although I think a year!), but time does that for you.
Find little treats for yourself and your children.
xx

[fawkeoff]

i know you are both right, i have quiye a good head on at the moment though....i have been paying his sister 10 a week for xmas vouchers and the invoice comes to my address every month so i know she is paying it.....i will have £500 for christmas.....i am giving my post office card to my dads other half because i get £30 a well child benefit so that will leave me with a good amount save also for emergencies and to help with xmas

EX has agreed to pay me £100 every 2 weeks and pay my contract bill as well as buy the children things so i think i should be ok....if he does what he promises, but i have to trust him for now.

i dont drive but my mum has offered to pay for my lessons and help me with a car if i pass so im deffo taking her up on that offer...will give me the freedom i want without having to rely on every bugger else...i know that if i can get through this then it will be worth the struggle

[littlewoman]

Well done on trying to keep it amicable. It's a struggle when your relationship suddenly goes on to a footing you're not used to, or sure of. You don't know how to act around each other anymore. It's worse than being with strangers, because you OUGHT to know each other, but you don't. You don't know your 'ex-husband' because he's always been your 'husband', if I'm making sense. It's a wierd feeling.

Good luck with your exams, sincerely mean that. Hope life has wonderful things waiting in store, as you seem to be trying to hold it together for everyone else. Hope all goes well for you too.

[fawkeoff]

thanks littlewoman it means so much to me at the oment for you lovely ladies to give me so much support at this time in my life.

sooooooo ive done my english and history today...everything went okay (i think) but its out of my hands now so im not even going to bother stressing about them any more......got another english on thursday and history next wedensday....got a mock psychology on friday.

am feeling a bit better today, other than the fact he keeps saying things like
"you seem to be coping really well"
what does he want me to do???? fall to pieces!!!!! "you've admitted you're glad we have split anyway"
what differance does it make if i hadn't been glad as well....he just isnt getting the ego boost because im not begging him.....i am doing my damned hardest to be ok for myself and the kids....i have told him that he can have as much access to the kids as he wants....it's almost like he wants me to be a bastard....maybe make it easier on him if i was a shit with him IYKWIM???? i dont know how to feel anymore

[ChasingSquirrels]

glad they went ok today, and hope the rest do aswell.
agree with you re support on MN.

[fawkeoff]

well just had a mini meltdown...think today has been too much for me, feeling tonnes better though now. I am just feeling really shitty today

[mummyfantastico]

It is really hard, and you will think you're fine then suddenly be feeling shit again for no apparent reason but it does get easier. Especially if you have support from family and friends which it sounds like you have.
Good luck in the rest of your exams

[fawkeoff]

thanks...my family are being superstars and my friends in rl as well as on here....my cousin came up over the weekend and she was the best i really miss her cos she has gone back home

[fawkeoff]

so today is another day....

feeling better than yesterday thats for sure!!!
and it's another day under the belt of the milestone of singleness i suppose.
the washing machine men are coming this morning so im gonna get meself dressed and sort the kids out x x

[Tinkerbel6]

good luck for all your exams fawkeoff, have you thought about an access course, its for adults and it gives you the qualification you need to go straight into uni, you might not have to do your A levels as that course will fast track you, check with your local college as I know my local one does this course and some of the modules are in social work