Fed up with ex H being irresponsible when he has the boys

[Pinkchampagne]

I know I am lucky that he takes the boys & gives me some time to myself, but he often has them when very hungover (like last Sunday, after he had been out drinking until 3am, then took them round my parents while he flopped around feeling sorry for himself!), or will often take them round to a friends, where he leave them to play with the friends childen while he drinks with the friend. He often goes round there from around 4pm (when they start drinking) & I have found out from the friends wife that he often doesn't leave until around 11pm!!
I then pay the price the following day because the boys (especially 5 year old DS2) are over tired & bad tempered.

I have spoken to him about this before, and he has said that he will make sure he gets home earlier, and that he won't drink that much, but then I find out that they didn't leave until 10.30 - 11pm, and he often takes their 9 year old daughter back to his to stay, which means DS1 doesn't go straight to sleep when they get back.

He hasn't done it for a while, but I have just found out from his friends wife, that he has made plans for this Sat. Ex H didn't mention anything to me.

I know it is a Sat night, but the boys are then over tired onte Sunday & I have to fight to keep DS2 awake, so that his sleep pattern isn't mucked up for school on the Monday.

Ex H has told me that he will have the boys back by about 9ish, but I know once he starts on the bacardi & whiskey, all plans will probably go to pot.
The boys love seeing their dad, and Sat will be the first time this week as he is working lates all week.
What would you do?

[Hecate]

collect them at 9 yourself?

[Lauriefairycake]

nothing. You can't dictate or persuade, ufortunately you just have to cope with the consequences.

At least the consequences are predictable and you can prepare by doing very little Sunday.

It's utter shit and I truly feel for you but you will just get yourself in a twist trying to do something about this when you can't.

[Pinkchampagne]

That was what I thought, LFC. I can't tell him what he can do in his time, but it makes me mad that he acts so irresponsibly. I couldn't get drunk until 3am then pass the children off to my parents! They wouldn't have it for a start!
He will return them to me Sun lunchtime, and go off to the pub, leaving me to deal with 2 tired grumpy children!

[TheUnsinkableMB]

Sorry to say it Pink but LFC is right, there's not a damn thing you can do, just got to get on with it.

I know how you feel, its so frustrating, I've been going through similar with xp.

He doesn't get drunk around dd, but has never stuck to her routine from day one, so every time he'd take her out for the day and bring her back, she'd been so grumpy from lack of sleep as she'd had little or no naps and now when he takes her for an evening, he lets her nap in the car on the way back, so she's bouncing off the walls till half ten at night!

I've asked, begged, pleaded in the past to no avail, he's gonna do whatever he wants regardless of what is best for dd.
He's such a selfish arse.

[Pinkchampagne]

Bloody men!!

[Dropdeadfred]

I disagree that there's nothing you could do. I for one would not let my children be with people who are drinking all night.
They may love time with him but they are not exactly getting his attention are they if he just dumps them with other dcs or their grandparents.

I would refuse him access if alcohol was going to be consumed and give him strict rules about their bedtimes etc.

[Pinkchampagne]

But then I would be the bad one all round, to the boys more than anyone else.

[Freckle]

The alternative is to keep the boys up really late the night before he has them and then let him try to deal with their grumpiness and bad temper. Perhaps then he might appreciate what he lands you with.

[mistressmiggins]

I agree but you just have to deal with them when they get home & get them back into routine.
I dont bother asking whether they've had late nights or not.
To be honest, I occasionally have late nights so I just deal with the children when I have them.

Bigger fights to have...

[Pinkchampagne]

I do deal with them when they get home, but it isn't easy. DS2 is practically falling asleep every couple of minutes, and I have to keep waking him (otherwise he wouldn't sleep in the evening), which leads to big temper outbursts.
I won't have a fight over it, but I am getting a bit annoyed by it happening as often as it is.

[Pinkchampagne]

It is not just the late night factor, but the fact he sits there getting pissed, while leaving the children to run riot.

[HansieMom]

Is he driving home after spending all those hours drinking? Your children are precious, I wouldn't let them be driven by a drunk.

And even if someone else is the designated driver, what kind of quality time is it for the boys? Oh, we are dumped here while dad drinks again.

Is he still Mr. Wonderful to your parents?

[beaniesteve]

Is he still mr wonderful to his parents!

[mymatemarmite]

Beanie its not his parents that he is Mr Wonderful but to Pinkchampagnes!

[Pinkchampagne]

Yes he is still Mr wonderful to my parents, although mum says she wishes he wouldn't take them round there.

He wouldn't drive back when drunk. He gets his friend to pick him up, then gets a taxi back. I would never let him drive them anywhere after drinking.

[Dropdeadfred]

Why does your mum not want them there?

why does she not speak to him about it (or is that a dumb question?)

[Lovesdogsandcats]

I think you have to look at this though dc's eyes...do they enjoy their time there? is the wife around to care for them if needed(even tho not her job) ?

if the dc are happy and you feel that they are safe (does he get a cab back?) then I would not make more of it really.

[Lovesdogsandcats]

sorry seen that he gets a cab.

i would leave them to it, he seems a bit irresponsible and selfish but I don't think hes nasty, bet the kids enjoy it on the whole?

[Tinkerbel6]

If access visits are spent down the pub getting drunk and keeping children out to 11pm then yes you can do something about it, its a bit different than taking children out for dinner in a pub and only having 1 beer, you could seek advice from a solicitor if you wanted to take it that far, im surprised you mum hasn't mentioned anything to your ex PC or is he still the golden one ?

[LittleBella]

Not a lot you can do about it, as non-resident parents don't have any legal responsibility to use their contact time wisely or reasonably. However, how old are the children? I'd be very concerned if they were any younger than about 7 or 8 as it is physically dangerous for them to be in the charge of drunk adults. To say nothing of the emotional and psychological damage of seeing your parent regularly drunk, but hey, courts don't seem to think that matters.

[Pinkchampagne]

My children are 5 & 8. They are happy enough to go round there as they have their children to play with, but the little boy that DS2 plays with, brings out the worst in him (as ex H is aware),as he copies his behaviur. This little boy will say things like "Go away stupid" to his parents, stick his tongue out at his mum if she tells him off, physically fight with his younger sister (scratch, kick, thump etc), and use quite shocking swear words, which I am paranoid about my DS repeating.
Ex H sits there drinking, and leaves the boys to it.
The wife of his friend is there too, but isn't strict on discipline.

[Pinkchampagne]

Mum would never say anything to ex H, but she tells me she wishes he wouldn't take them round there & keep them up all night.