is this neglectful do you think?

[snotbuster]

XP has a 2 bed terraced house but uses one of the upstairs rooms as the living room. I have been wondering how this works out when he has DS for visits (which are currently daytime only). He has just told me (on phone) that DS has been chipping at the woodchips on the wallpaper in this room with his toy tool set whilst XP is downstairs cooking lunch. Sounded like DS had done a noticeable amount of damage so think he must have been on his own for a while (he's only 2.5).
I am concerned that he is leaving him upstairs unattended like this and told him so. I am far from perfect and often do chores in another room to DS but I do go and check on him every few minutes.
There is (of course) quite a context to this, and I have never been happy about XP having unsupervised contact (current arrangement is outcome of lengthy court battle). Am I being over the top in worrying about this or does anyone else think it's a bit slack?

[beaniesteve]

I don't think it's neglectful if he is checking on him, though if your son is upstairs I hope he's got a stairgate or something?

[snotbuster]

Yes, he has got a stairgate. He says he checks on DS but I don't think it can be very often if DS is able to do this amount of damage in the meantime.

[beaniesteve]

Perhaps it sounds worse than it really is (the damage) and there's nothing to worry about. I wouldn't worry too much over this one incident. Presumably the courts have taken everything into account and believe your son to be safe with his father?

[snotbuster]

They do! The problem is that I don't. I know this sounds really trivial but there is (of course) a lot of context (domestic violence, drug problem) and I really worry about DS going there. Thanks for replying though.

[beaniesteve]

I can understand why you're anxious

Hope it's all ok.

[gillybean2]

Why did he tell you about it? Was he concerned at the behaviour? Did he mention it in passing or was there more to the conversation? Seems odd to me for him to talk bring this up for no reason. Do you have a lot of casual conversations about what's happened during contact time or is this an unusual conversation?

Children can do a lot of 'damage' in a very short time. My own son was playing under the kitchen table while I was cooking dinner, next thing I know there's crayon drawings all over the wall and woodwork! It wouldn't take very long to do some damage and what the extent of that damage is is probably subjective too. It's probably better to have your child not under your feet in teh kitchen while cooking too. So being in teh lounge is a betetr option. Just the lounge in this case is upstairs. I'm sure he's learnt a valuable lesson, that you can't leave a child of that age alone and not expect them to find a way to entertain themselves in whatever manner they like!

Also, I think you're looking for reasons to stop contact, and jumping on this thinking and hoping it shows that he left your child unsupervised. However if this was really the case why would he mention it to you and give you further ammo to use against him? Try and relax and try and think back to the conversation and see if you can recall why he mentioned it to you. It might throw some more light on the situation.

Not saying you have nothing to be concerned over, just saying think about what actually happened rather than what you think might have happened, and also think about why he spoke to you about it before you jump to conclusions.

Gilly

[snotbuster]

We have an arranged 'parenting' phonecall each week (suggested by cafcass in mediation sessions with them) and there are various topics that we are supposed to go through each time. He bought this up under 'behavioural problems/discipline'. I don't see it that way myself - tend to agree with you that it's the type of thing that happens if a young child is left to his own devices!
Having lived with this man (who did no childcare at all when we were together) I know that he's incapable of doing more than one thing at a time - he gets very flustered and is apt to fly off the handle if interrupted whilst trying to do something. I am suspicious that he is leaving DS alone upstairs for quite lengthy periods of time (while he's cooking or getting stoned in back garden) and feel that this is unsafe and a bit at DS's age.
If I ask DS what he's done at Daddy's he lists the DVDs he's watched that day. I know I can't dictate/control the situation (and that this probably sounds really petty) but it breaks my heart.