AAArrgggghh!!! Will this ever end???

[allgonebellyup]

My ex and i split a year ago, he quickly on the rebound got someone else pg and baby soon due.
i still have feelings for him so have stopped all the texting that we were previously doing, and dont talk to him during the week.
He sees ds every fri-sun night.
But he also wants to talk to him every night on the phone, which results in me feeling my home is being intruded with him every night, plus ds crying cos he wants his dad.

Now ex is texting every day, asking how ds is. i dont want to be texting him all the time! when will he understand that he can see him every weekend but to stop hassling us during the week? i need to move on but with his going mental at me when i dont reply to texts it feels like he is always around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[massiveNEWpantsface]

I kind of know how you feel. Things would be so much easier if you didn't have to have any contact with him, then you Could move on yourself. I'm in the same position and still have feelings for my ex who left in December.

I try to accept that he can contact me about dd as often as he likes, after all this is good for her and he will always be in our lives because of this connection - when dd stays with him , I do the same tbh. Other than that though, I try to keep the conversation strictly to dd and just know that in time, I won't give two hoots about him, or what he does, as long as dd is happy.

[allgonebellyup]

but i find this so hard!
he texts every night so say "how is ds?"

but i would let him know asap if something was wrong with ds!!!!!!

[lostdad]

How old is ds allgonebellyup?

From my point of view, when he's old enough I would love to be able to talk to my son every day on the telephone, but I wouldn't text my ex every day!

[massiveNEWpantsface]

So does mine 'how did dd go down?'. I don't mind this too much as I know how much he loves her and feel he should know these kinds of things. Its when he txts 'what are you two ladies up to today? xxx' that I think how dare he, get out of my life and let me get on!
Do you still find it hard to see yr ex? What is it about him asking about ds that you don't like?

[massiveNEWpantsface]

lostdad - yes thats another point. Of course when they are older ex's can contact dc's themselves but while so little (my dd is 15m) there is no way around it. It has to be hard for the absent parent but in my case and I think, for allgone, I often feel 'you made yr bed now lie in it!'
Its still early days in both cases and there is obviously still a lot of emotions involved...

[allgonebellyup]

the bit i dont like is the fact he is contacting me all the time. i would let him know if ds was ill or something.
i wish he would leave me alone and just see him on fridays til sunday.

He sees ds a lot more than most dads see their children, he sees him more than i do!
Hopefully when the new baby comes along he will be so wrapped up in her that he will leave us alone mon-fri!!!

[allgonebellyup]

ds is 4.

[massiveNEWpantsface]

Have you told him you are'nt happy with him contacting you so often?
It could be easier to let him know that you are still hurting and find it hard to move on like this...?

[lostdad]

At the end of the day - it is hard for the RP and NRP when they split. Saying that, it be hard (but for other reasons) if they hadn't split.

I don't know allgonebellyup's story - who left who, etc. and to be totally fair, it shouldn't matter because a bad partner isn't necessarily a bad parent.

allgonebellyup - it's hard. Remember whatever happens it won't be forever, children grow fast and situations change; I'm nNot sure if you know about my story, but the last 15 months have been the worst of my life by a long long way. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that as bad as things are, they will change at some point.

But...I will never settle for being a weekend parent no matter what my ex does or says.

[massiveNEWpantsface]

lostdad - i totally agree. I know my ex has behaved unspeakably towards me at times but I know what sort of person he is around dd and for her sake I want them to have a good strong relationship which means plenty of contact, as hard as this is for me I know I'll get over it and move on. That is what keeps me going.
AGBU - Perhaps you need to talk to yr ex...?

[davidtennantsmistress]

ag - you need to have set times at least when your ex can ring to speak to your son, & then you put your son on the phone then not talking to him.

did you get the issues resolved about X popping over when he liked to take DS out & also DS ringing him to come and get him?

say to him if something is wrong I will tell you if not please don't ring other than the set times.

I on the other hand have the opposite problem at the mo - ex thinking it's ok to turn up every other weekend and have absolutely no contact with either DS or I (don't care about me contacting him tbh) but that as well isn't on.

[allgonebellyup]

Well i go to counselling as i am so low (suicidal over break up). My therapist is ADAMANT that in order to get over my ex:

1. i should have NOT see him during the week with him.

1. Stick to my ex seeing ds at weekends, not to let him in the house,ever, not to talk to him unless absolutely necessary.

1. No phone calls, NO texting of any sort.

i agree with her that this is the only way forward for me.
So how does him fucking texting and calling all the time (about ds or selling the house)help me get over him??

I would NEVER stop him seeing ds, as i said before - he gets him 2 days/nights out of 7, i think thats bloody good going!!

[FAWKEOFF]

i have seen this suggestion on anther thread before.....buy a cheap mobile phone...you can get then for £8 in asda and buy a new sim card????, change your current number and only have the cheap phone on the days you have told him he can ring ds?????

[allgonebellyup]

i thought of doing that, good idea.

[youngbutnotdumb]

Hey know it's not really much to do with anything really! Imnot a single parent but am having bloody men problems could u give e some advice plz? Have started a thread that explains all. Just feel as though am going mad about it all

[isheisnthe]

AGBU - just text back one word answers "fine" and leave it at that. Know what you mean tho, its hard when your phone beeps and you think "is it him...."

My exp is the opposit - we dont hear a peep from him during the week - to the point when I actually have to make sure he will be picking up from school and nursery tonight as I just dont hear from him and hate to assume. This has the effect of the boys feeling like they dont really know daddy and thus not wanting to go - which means I drop of DS2 at nursery and remind him its daddy picking up tonight to get "nnnnooooooooooo pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaasssse I dont want to" and me having to reassure him its just one night and that daddy loves and misses him and we dont want to make him sad (dy ds is just 4 too) and then I drop ds1 off at school (hes 5) and get the same.

[massiveNEWpantsface]

ag - does he know that his actions are making things so difficult for you?

[littlewoman]

You have my every sympathy girls, I still feel this way 4 years on, and if you don't nip it in the bud it gets worse. I feel like he thinks he is still running the show, in our family.

A good idea may be to make one of those standard messages in your phone that says, '[ds] is fine. I would contact you if the situation was otherwise' and every time he txts you, send the same 'standard message' back. That way you're not ignoring them, but they're going to get the message that their texts are not a welcome distraction.

I always thought to myself 'if you'd stayed with them you'd know how they were, arse'. It is very childish, but I can't promise to be any more sane than my brain allows at the time. I'm sure one day I'll get over it. But not today

[lostdad]

No one should be `running the show'...it should be a joint effort.

[Fluffybubble]

My ds is also four, and I have tried for the past 3 years to maintain contact with my exh for ds's sake. We fell out at Christmas, though, and since then my exh will ring my mobile and I literally just pass the phone to my ds then hang up at the end. Anything else relating to our ds is discussed via email. Although I want exh to be a part of ds's life, I cannot (at this point at least) pretend that we are friends. Maybe you can do the same with the phone, and reassure your ex that you will let him know if there is any problem and that he doesn't need to text you in this way (maybe just stick to phone calls only - even if ex rings ds once a day?). I know it is hard to establish a balance, but you also need to be able to move on...

[allgonebellyup]

i do just text back "fine".

But then he will still think of another question like "does he still have a cough?" or "is he sleeping in his own room tonight?" so i just reply "yes" and leave it at that.

[BrownSuga]

Could you suggest to him that he phones at set time on a wednesday, then it's part way through the week, he can ask DS how M/T went, then on weekends, he can catch up about his T/F. DH does this. It must be so annoying for you.

[allgonebellyup]

i have suggested this to him

but he says he wants to speak to him every day and be able to text me every day to find out how he is

[gillybean2]

Well done on seeking help. A lot of people never have the courage to admit there are problems. You are a long way to fixing things and getting your life back by taking this important step.

Now you have to tell your (letter or email) what your therapist has said about the situtation ie that you need the break and no text, or midweek contact etc. He can't know unless you tell him exactly how it is. Don't keep this to yourself, it is important he understands this and that you need to find closure and deal with the relationship being over. If he doesn't believe you then ask your therapist to speak to him to confirm what you have said.

Which bed your child sleeps in and if they still has the cough sounds like a parent who is anxious but hasn't moved on and accepted that he is not able to have that every day contact any more either.

Remind him that you will contact him if there is something significant that he needs to be informed about, but that everyday things in your time, while he might want to know, he doens't have the right to intrude on you about them now.

Fix a day midweek that he can phone and speak to your child, and don't speak to him yourself during this conversation. Give your child the phone, walk out of the room so they can say whatever in peace, and then when they're done hang the phone up. Explain to him that this is what you will do so that he doesn't expect to speak to you and doesn't have a fit when you hang up without speaking to him and use it as an excuse to call back...

If he has things he needs to discuss with you then ask him to email them to you and you will respond when able. Urgent messages such as delay in arriving for contact can still be sent by text, but asking how his cough is etc should go in the email. Respond to the emails once a week.

You have to think of yourself and your needs, not pander to your ex's needs here. It is not in your child's best interests for him to be texting you like this, infact it has little bearing on your child at all, simply your ex can't let go and wants to be involved completely. Lovely as this is, unfortunately the circumstances are now that you live apart and he can not have that everyday contact and conversation as he would if you were together. Explain the situation, give him fair warning, come to a compromise, and then stop answering his texts and phone calls at times other than those agreed.

You need to do this for your sake and for your child who needs a sane and calm mother.
best wishes
Gilly

[allgonebellyup]

thanks gilly

that was great advice!