Feeling awful (rant)

[concerned123]

Sorry but I need to rant here but not about anything particular.

DD keeps asking me where's daddy. This morning she went hunting for him in the cupboards, under the bed, behind the curtains. She kept saying "naughty mummy you hid daddy". She's two and a half. She keeps asking for him. I can't magic him up. She sees him at the weekend and as often as we can manage during the week.

I feel so guilty. She's such lovely caring little girl but i can't give her what she's asking for. Last night she tucked a teddy up in my bed and said it was "instead of daddy"

What do I say to my beautiful little girl?

Sorry I know it makes no sense, jsut so exhausted with lack of sleep and worry

[clouded]

How dreadful for you. Dealing with your own hurt and fears and exhaustion and then having DD's confusion as well. Heartbreaking.
What a darling little girl though. She is trying, in her own way, to understand and come to terms with it. Teddy is a brilliant solution!
I don't think you can do anything except bear it with her and tell her you know she's sad that Daddy's not there but she will see him on Saturday( or whenever).
So sad for you.

[gillybean2]

Your reaction to these games will be key. It must be quite upsetting for you, especially as she appears to be blaming you for him not being there. But try not to get upset or angry, even if you do keep that hurt and anger inside she will pick up on your silence.

Perhaps this is coming out because dad plays hide and seek with her when she's with him so she is carrying on playing the game at home? Have you spoken to him about these games to see if he can shed any light on it?

Of course she will miss her dad, especially if she only sees him at the weekends. It's a very long time between visits for such a young child and probably beyond her comprehension as far as time and number of days goes at this point.

Make it clear to her that Daddy doesn't live at your house, that he lives at [wherever] house. You can get books from the library which might help with stories of children with two homes. Also talk about other families who had different set ups, step dads, lone parents, children who live with grandparents or aunty perhaps. Also make it clear to her that you and daddy love her very much and you both miss her when you don't see her.

Also if you can make the hide and seek into a fun game while reinforcing that daddy doesn't live here that might help. Perhaps if she goes looking for him respond with a singsong laughing voice, 'You'll never find him there because of course daddy doesn't live here, but i think teddy is hiding somewhere, shall we check under your bed....' or 'He'd never fit in the toybox, maybe he's behind the curtain at his house in [town/street], you'll have to check when you see him in 3 sleeps time...'. How about playing your own game of hide and seek too, 'Daddy won't be hiding because this is mummys house, shall mummy hide and you try and find her..?' If it's a no then try hiding teddy or getting her to hide while you and teddy look for her.

Moving forward perhaps you can sort out a midweek time with her dad as she seems to be needing to see more of him, or look at ways of helping her count how many days/sleeps till the weekend or other events. So remind her at bedtime that in 2 sleeps time she is going for tea at grandmas and in 2 more sleeps after that she is going to the park with daddy.

If she doesn't spend much time at her dad's house that might be why she doesn't associate him as having a different home. Ask her dad to encourage her understanding by reminding her that this is his house when they're there.

Stay strong, your daughter needs you at this clearly confusing time for her. Help her get her world straight and in order so it makes sense for her and it'll be easier on you all.

Best wishes
Gilly

[Alambil]

Can a 2 year old place blame on someone?

I think it's more about confusion at the moment; daddy used to be there, now he's not - people usually come back after a while at 2 yrs old so why isn't daddy?

I wonder if getting some books for her to read with you would help or at least bring to her attention the idea of 2 homes?

Something like this ?

[Youcannotbeserious]

Hi Concerned - Can you and DD's dad talk to her together?

[googoomama]

I've got the "Tow Homes" book that LerwisFan mentions - it's great and it really helped my four year old understand and accept our situation.

[googoomama]

Sorry I mena "Two Homes" book - not a book about towing holiday homes!