Need to assert myself over xh. Please help.

[littlewoman]

You know that saying 'who's my bitch? You're my bitch!' Well, this was my relationship with xh when we were together, and I've never been able to be assertive with him. Even now, if I stand up for myself against him, I can't do it by phone or to his face. I can only text because I need time to compose my argument and make it sound reasonable / non-hysterical.Even so, when I do this, I'm afraid to look at the texts he sends me back incase they are nasty, and if he calls me back I just won't answer the phone.

To the point: today, he tells my ds over the phone that he won't be taking him & other dc's any time this weekend because he is acting in a play (amateur dramatics). It was only because I asked ds what daddy wanted that I found out this information at all. Otherwise, I'd have sat here all weekend, and nobody would have told me at all that he wasn't turning up. Of course I've had the dc's all week cos of school hols & I was a bit pissed off. I texted xh and said I was going to see a solicitor to arrange proper shared custody of the children because he was taking the piss.
He said he has a small flat, and if he wants to buy somewhere bigger, he must work, so can't afford to have kids more. I replied, surely he could afford the good manners to inform me earlier that he wouldn't be having the kids this weekend, so that I could arrange my week around that information.

He hasn't texted back. Am I being treated like a twat here? I think I am, but I hate him so it's hard to be objective

[Youcannotbeserious]

Hi,

my advice would be to go and see a solicitor.

Yes, your XH has to work, but that DOES NOT stop him making firm plans with his kids because of AmDram!!!

It's important for the kids to know when Dad is coming to see them (I don't know how old your kids are) and it's also important for you to have some time off.

To be fair, our arrangement (between DH and DH's ex) is totally fluid now because we live pretty close by and I can help out with pick ups etc., when DH is away (which is 5 days a week) but many years ago, DH just HAD to work around his work committments to see the DC.

Do you know his work pattern? See a solicitor, tell the solicitor as much as possible about your DH's situation (Does he need a bigger place to have the kids to stay / does he work shifts etc) and see what the solicitor comes up with.

To be non confrontational, I'd present that to him as an open letter and, if you get anything other than a sensible, polite reply, let your solicitor handle things.

[Youcannotbeserious]

Oohh... Meant to add, if you don't want to use a solicitor or can't afford it, then do everything by e-mail...

This allows you the space to construct a reply, reduces arguments etc., and also allows you both to keep a record of what's been agreed

We had terrible trouble with details being changed (and being told we must have 'got it wrong') until we said evrything had to be written down and emailed. Strangely, we never seem to 'write a time / date / location down wrongly after that!!

[Janos]

littlewoman

HUGE symnpathy for you. My XP is somewhat like this, although he has improved massively since I began standing up to him. I too find it hard to argue with him directly as he twists things and doesn't listen to a word I say.

I find it helps to write things down and use written communication such as letters/email. I communicate much better that way anyhow.

Oh yes, and keep copies!

[littlewoman]

Thank you ladies. I will ask for an e-mail address. He knows I can't afford a solicitor, and if I go to one and try to make him have the kids more, I'm afraid the kids will see this as me not wanting them around. So he's got me by the nads, really.
E-mails are a lot easier to keep than texts. I don't even really care whether he takes the kids more. I just want a bit of blinking respect from the horse's arse.

[Janos]

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Mine is infuriatingly patronising and arrogant. I try to make fun of his attitude now and not take it too seriously because if I didn't laugh, I'd just be bloody furious all the time!

[littlewoman]

So do I. Comedians could feed off his behaviour for a month and never repeat themselves. Yesterday, he asked me if my 9 y/o ds could not get some growth hormone treatment, because he wasn't big enough to get on the rides at alton towers, and he was pissed off having to sit out of the rides with him Kernob.

[Youcannotbeserious]

Growth Hormone treatment??????????? You are joking???????????

As for handling it with the kids, I don't think you should present it as demanding more time with dad (and therefore less time with you)... just that you need a clear understanding of when they will be with their dad so you can make plans....

It's unfair on everyone for him to tentatively say he'll ahve the kids at the weekend but then cancel at the last minute. If he only wants to see the kids one day a month, then let him be man enough to put that in black and white!

(sorry, I hope that doesn't sound harsh... )

[littlewoman]

No, serious about growth hormone. I don't know where I found him, or why I looked.

In relation to my xh, it can never be harsh enough, YCBS . Thank you for the advice. I will try that tack, as I do feel bad that the kids see me get cross when he doesn't take them. They must feel so unwanted. Curb my tongue, and explain that new rules will be in play to ensure that everybody sees enough of everybody, and nobody misses out, I think.
Thank you girls. I do love mumsnet. It sets your thinking straight.