Should ds meet his dad? if so how do I find him?

[beansmum]

ds, nearly 4, has been asking about his dad a lot recently. I have just told him that he does have a dad, have shown him a photo, told him his dad's name and said he could meet him when he is bigger. But ds says he wants to meet him 'when I am this size'. Obviously I'm not going to do something I'm not happy with just because ds is curious but I'm not sure if maybe it would be good to get them together at some point.

ds's dad isn't a really horrible person, if he wanted to I would have no option but to let him see ds and probably take him overnight eventually but should I try and get in contact with him? How would I even do that? I don't know where he lives now and don't keep in touch with any of his friends.

[glucose]

what a difficult situation, did your relationship end badly?

[beansmum]

kind of. I broke up with him when I found out I was pregnant because I knew he wasn't 'the one' and wanted to work out some way of joint parenting as friends. he was pissed off, that I had broken up with him and that I was keeping the baby. We didn't speak until ds was born and then he visited ds once when he was 6 weeks old. he phoned a couple of times but then just stopped. last thing I heard he hadn't told his family that he had a son.

I suppose I don't even know if he would want to see us.

[glucose]

I would try to contact him, if he doesnt want to see you, would you feel really bad?

[random]

you could try 192.com to find him?

[peasoup]

www.192.com is good for finding folks.

[beansmum]

I wouldn't care for myself, but it would be hard for ds. Maybe I chould wait to contact him until ds is old enough to understand if we get rejected. If you can ever be old enough to understand something like that. But anyway, how do I find him. I don't even have his phone number, although he has my address, phone number and mobile number and hasn't contacted me in 3 1/2 years... maybe I should just assume that he's not that bothered.

[beansmum]

I'm too slow!

[glucose]

No you should not assume that at all, my dh 1st dw left him when she was pregnant, he just does not know what to do about his, ds from 1st marriage.(he is kind of in denial I think) I know if she contacted him he would would like to see ds.
I think as you ds is young you could probably find out first, and if he did not want to see him, he would not really have to know

[snotbuster]

Maybe do a search for him without telling DS. In fact don't tell DS anything until you've made contact and have established that his Dad definately wants to see him (and will follow through on turning up).
You could try the electoral register too.

[LaComtesse]

Have you looked on Facebook? Googled him?

[beansmum]

ok. have found someone with the same name on 192.com, can't get the details without paying and have no money but there is a woman at the same address (girlfriend?) who is on facebook. I'm turning into a stalker here! Should I message the girl and ask if she could pass on my email address to her friend if it's the same guy? without mentioning ds? or is that really quite odd and not acceptable.

[LaComtesse]

Mmm, I wouldn't if I were you. How will she know if it's the same guy - has he got a common name? Can you wait til Monday and check the electoral register if it's local to you? That would list his full name and then you should know one way or ther other.

I wouldn't be too impressed if I got an email from a random woman on facebook, meant for my partner and would probably cross-question the poor blighter for hours afterwards. I'm not saying that you'd do this but you want to keep things civil with these people.

[glucose]

Could be tricky she may not know about DS. If she finds out this way and it causes a problem, she might make things difficult for you. Did you ever meet his parents?

[beansmum]

I was thinking I could just say we were friends as students and was wanting to get back in touch with him, then if it was him he would know that I wanted him to contact me and if it wasn't him he would just realise I had the wrong guy. But you're probably right, not a great plan.

[glucose]

If it is really the only way have you tried friends reunited?

[beansmum]

I am soooooooooo tempted to message his friend... but no
She looks just like me, very strange. I wonder if she knows he has a son. I'm feeling a bit strange about this now, I think I will wait a bit.

[glucose]

Would love to phone and ask her for you!
Good luck with it all

[peasoup]

You can usuaully play around with 192.com until you do get an address; use the advanced search facility. Do you know what town hes in for example? If you're able to type in his name and town then the website is more likely to cough up his full address or his phone number. If you knwo the town then just call 192 by phone and get the phone number. Could you guess what town? Sorry to persist but you may have to try a few avenues to track him down. Also try MySpace? If you knwo the girl's name call 192 and get her number; it'll be the same as his if as you say they lve together. Or do a 192.com search on her name; it might throw up an address or phone number. Play around with it: I did it on a name of a guy and I'd no idea where he lived in the Uk and found him eventually (was trying to track down the owner of a bit of land I wanted to buy).
Her face book page might indicate what town she's in in which case that would make 192 easier for you. Get your detective hat on! But don't contact the girlfriend just yet as that wouldn't be the best way to get back in touch with him.
But I would say don't tell your DS until you've found your ex and spoken with him and made sure he's happy to meet his son. Let me knwo how you get on but unless they're a clever criminal I think most folks in the UK can be traced easily by anyone. My friend helps people find their real Dad's, long lost relatives, etc. just as a hobby really as he's unemployed and likes a challenge.

[gillybean2]

I would suggest that you tell your son that you don't know where his father lives so he can't meet him right now as you can't get in touch with him to arrange anything.

Do you have an address for his parents? You could try writing via them. Make sure you put a return address on the outside of the envelope so it comes back to you if undelivered. If they have moved you could try a neighbour, they might well know where they have moved too.

My ex refused to give me his new address. I found him on the white pages (american version of the phone book) on the internet though. I haven't told him that though, I simply send him letters via his parents address which I put inside a seperate envelope with a short note to them asking them to forward it on. I also happen to leave his envelope unsealed so they can read the letter to him if they choose too.

My son started asking lots of questions about his father too. I wrote to my ex and asked him if h would reconsider his decision to have no envolvement. He replied that he had not changed his mind and to tell my son whatever i thought best. So I explained to my son he has a father who helped make him, but a father is not the same as a dad. It's a hard thing to do, but you have to be as honest as you can in situations like this. Maybe your ex will choose to see his son, but it has been several years and there is no bonding there. Be prepared for him to reject your son. It is something horrible to have to bear, especially when you know how wonderful your child is and simply can't understand why anyone would reject them. But your ex has a new life now. Maybe enough water has passed under the bridge and things will work out, but be prepared for them not too.

Best wishes to you and your son, hope things work out positively for you.
Gilly

[NYC6723]

I think you should at least try to establish a relationship with ds and ex. It is v hard when you are raising a boy - it is very beneficial for ds to have relationships with their dads - but only if the dad is committed and stable.