XP not following through on promises ( I know - shocker!)

[Tippychick]

We haven't seen my XP more than once since December but he calls regularly to speak to my DD on the phone (she's 18 months). Before Easter he made a point of asking what she wanted (I didn't want her getting a chocolate overload) and I suggested colouring-in materials - books or crayons or whatever.

He's wound her up a few times on the phone about the present coming, she knows about "presents" but obviously has no concept of time or waiting. Despite the hype, he hasn't sent anything and when I remind him he's "just posted it" - well it's been "just posted today" twice now and still not arrived.
She's forgotten now but when she's a little more grown up she's going to know when nothing arrives and be disappointed.

How do I handle this? There's no point saying to him not to mention things if you're not going to follow through as it'll be met with denials and lost-in-post type excuses. it's not the first time he's done this but I've let it go as she's so little but she is starting to understand now.

I'm offline now for a wee while so not ignoring any posts btw

[piratecat]

all i can say, is you cannot make him do the right hting however much you will try, now and in the future.

I have been tryign to make my eh dh 'see the light' despite obvious distress to our daughter who is nearly six.

Someone said this to me yesterday, and it really resonated

'piratecat, its 'his choice', and somehow it really really made sense.

we all have choices.

I do hope that he can be the father you want him to be. Love your dd and be there for her. Yet sont make too many excuses for him if he carries on forgeting or leting her down. it will hurt her but she has you as her mum and friend.

[LBA]

I wish I had the answer to this one. Ds's dad is exactly the same but in his case its promises of a lizard for his birthday (wtf?), taking him ice skating..having him for tea, picking him up on time..or actually, just picking him up at all lately.

We have to sit there nicely and not complain otherwise we're the demanding bitch ex from hell.

[littlewoman]

I think the most hurtful thing to a mother is not having the love she feels for her children reflected by their father. It doesn't seem possible that they don't feel that kind of commitment to their children. How could we have chosen such arses to parent our dc's? (Sorry dads, I know you're not ALL the same).
Like Pirecat said, we cannot control them, merely support our children as best we can, and buffer the blows when necessary so that their esteem is not damaged by the thoughtlessness of some xdp's.

[Tippychick]

Thanks, would say that I'm glad it's not just me but I'm not, of course.
Stupid to think that the pattern of letting people down wouldn't be continued really.

LW- you're so right, I just can't comprehend someone not adoring DD as I do and it baffles me when he behaves like this.

I should have known when he bought nothing for Christmas and let me do the big present, stocking etc on my own. It didn't occur to me then that he hadn't bought anything for anyone, including DD but I'm remembering now. Who turns up on Christmas Eve having bought nothing for their child and then expects to sit through the joy of present opening etc?

Guess I'll just have to expect the worse in future and keep expectations to a minimum.