ds1 struggling emotionally at school, how can I help?

[mypandasgotcrabs]

xp and I split 6mths ago, it's not exactly been amicable, and since we agreed contact he's let the boys down virtually every other weekend. It's always at the last minute, after making promises that he can't keep.

Before Christmas I went to see ds1's teacher to see how he was doing at school, she said he was doing great, and there had been no effect on him whatsoever at school.

Recently, however I've been getting increasingly concerned about his progress, I feel he's dropping behind where he is capable of being at. I was going to go in and see his teacher about it, but as parents evening was coming up, decided to wait. His report came home at the start of the week, and was all good, I was happy with it, although was still goig to bring up my concerns at parent evening. Parents evening comes on Thursday, I went in, and his teacher started off by saying "well, he's not really coping with it all is he?" She went on to tell me that he's struggling at schol with his emotions, and can be particularly aggressive a lot of the time. He's aggressive towards all members of staff (except her), and gets very angry at the slightest thing.

To be fair to her, she was really understanding of the situation, I explained to her how he regularly gets let down by his dad, and she said that she sees this in him, I'm just really angry though that I've never been approached about his behaviour, I've been left to think that everything is ok with him at school, and that was the one place for him that was 'normal'.

I don't know how I can help him especially as so much is out of my control.

[Elasticwoman]

Sorry to hear of this difficult situation for you and ds.

My suggestions are (1) explain to xp how letting ds down is worse than not making the appointment in the first place and tell him what the teacher has said. You might do this in writing if the alternative is for xp to have a row or storm off in a huff before you have finished. (2) don't tell ds when his father is coming. That way, if xp doesn't turn up, ds doesn't know he's been let down. (3) You might also ask xp how he sees his relationship with ds in the future.

[gagarin]

Poor poor you. What to do for ds? What a worry.

Firstly why was his dad not at parent's evening to hear this stuff? Is he that disconnected? The school should be sending him a copy of everything that goes home to parents - including the report and invite for parents evening. You don't have to go together - he can have a separate appointment. All you need to do is give the school his contact details and ask them to start sending stuff asap.

Don't be too angry with the teacher - she knows there is not a lot you can do to immediately affect his behaviour in school and she may well have thought (mistakenly) that if she called you in it may add to everyone's stress - like throwing petrol on a fire! And if at Xmas all was fine then she's not exactly kept it from you for ages.

Is there anyone in xp's family who could help with access? A grannie who can see ds regularly and maintain the connection - perhaps subtly pressuring xp to get back involved?

Do you ever manage to talk about xp in vaguely positive tones? Now that would be hard but ds prob knows how angry you are with xp which will add to his behaviour probs (how old is ds?).

What about doing a scrap book with ds about the good times he had with his dad - photos if you have any? Memories of outings/special times? Perhaps ds feels that all his memories are fading and is upset by this? Or that most mentions of dad lead to you being angry/upset.

And keep talking to him about how he feels. Good luck.

[mypandasgotcrabs]

Thanks for your replies. Unfortunately it's not me telling them that they're going to be staying with daddy. When I pick them up he tells them he'll see them at the weekend, says "I'll take you to the fair on Friday" etc. I try to keep ds1 grounded during the week, but he still drops so far come Friday afternoon. I've asked xp to explain that hopefully he'll be able to have them at the weekend as long as he doesn't have to work or whatever. The boys are only 6 & 2, so while ds2 doesn't understand, ds1 gets very excited as the week passes.

I did say that xp should go to parents evening, but he said he couldn't make it becasue of work (he finishes at 4 & the last appt was at 6.30). I haven't even had a chance to tell him what was said.

I appreciate that his teacher is cutting him some slack because of the current circumstances and it is so out of charcter for him to behave in this way. I just wish that I'd known earlier. She was really understanding of the situation though.

wrt to a family member helping out, the only family xp has down here is his brother who is a very elusive person. He is actually supposed to do the handovers, but we've never been able to get hold of him to sort it out. The rest of his family won't speak to me since I took out an injunction against him, so I can't even speak to his mum and get her to have a word with him.

[gagarin]

Life is so complicated!

I suppose all you can do is speak frequently and often to ds about his dad (in as pleasant tone of voice as you can manage!)to try and normalise the situation and make it so he "has permission" to talk to you about how he's feeling without thinking he's going to get his dad into even more trouble. Children are very loyal to their parents even when they let them down so ds doesn't really have anywhere to turn to express his upset does he? If he tells you he'll worry about you getting upset and the chances of a reconciliation (i bet he hopes for one - kids do) disappaearing if you and his dad contnue to be angry with each other.

Have you seen this website? It's full of helpful info www.itsnotyourfault.org/

And go into the school office to get them sending dad stuff direct - if all the info goes through you it'll never work and prob start (or re-start!) loads of rows.

[Elasticwoman]

i second Gagarin's advice and add - is there a family centre in your area? It can work as neutral territory for handovers and a source of advice from trained staff.