Access advice needed please..

[FearlessFanny]

Hello

I'd really appreciate some advice. I am seeing XP tom to (hopefully ) work out an access plan for DS. DS is 18mo & I left XP when he was 10 mo. He's seen him about 3 times since, but XP has taken a long time to get over the end of the relationship and is is only now finally wanting (really wanting) regular access..

I'm really keen for this to work out, but am at bit of a loss re. proposing an access schedule.. DS is very friendly/sociable so not too worried about seperation anxiety, but still don't want to do too much too soon. Is one hr/week too little to start? Starting supervised/moving to not? Then what? Help!

BTW Yes, mediation would help, but want to try this way first..

Ta lots
x

[CarGirl]

I would think 1 or 2 hours per week in your home (if that is doable) twice a week would be a good place to start. You could suggest/try getting him to take him to the park etc after a week or so. I think a lot depends on the personality of your son. One of my dc would go off happily with most people, one of the others wouldn't have point blank refused!

[FearlessFanny]

Thanks for the advice. Twice a week is probably better than once..hmmm. Yes, it does help having a DS who seems to be happy to be best friends with anyone who crosses his wee path (tad worrying most of the time, but quite useful in this situation!)

Ta

[yerblurt]

It's good that you're considering a parenting plan with your ex. Do not underestimate how much pain and hurt and feelings of a living bereavment your ex is going through due to separation from his child.

A child benefits when it has a meaningful relationship with it's father - children who grow up with an involved father do better in terms of educational outcome, better mental health, better sense of self-worth, better job prospects, better future relationships.

Are there any real safety concerns about contact between dad and child? Then why would you wish 'supervised' contact (to my mind, only prisoners and hospital patients are supervised), your ex would feel totally stressed out being in the house with you or someone 'supervising'.

There is no reason why dad can't take the kid out to the park / local wacky warehouse etc

Consistent frequent contact is good for children of a young age - every other day, at least 2-3 times a week for a few hours should do it

[FearlessFanny]

Yerblurt - thanks for your input. However, regards supervision, I would suggest that handing DS immediately over to an effectively complete stranger without an initial element of "supervision" by me would cause some trauma, despite the level of DS's sociability. I'm rather bemused at the suggestion...

Thanks again

[gillybean2]

I bet you left your ex with your child when you were living together, even if you just went for a shower or popped to the shop quickly.

Would you supervise your son at a nursey/childminder/playschool. No, they'd be telling you to relax and head off home and let them get on and do their job. Also who supervised you when you were a new mum with no clue how to be a parent? You have to relax.

A 15 minute 'chat' and coffee and then let him take him for a walk to the corner shop or park for another 30 minutes, but really does it have to be you there for that 'chat'?

Your ex should be seeing his child as frequently as possible in order to build up a strong foundation and good relationship. Certainly discuss if he has any concerns, and perhaps suggest your mother, his own mother, a sister or even a friend of yours are there in the background the first couple of times. This will be hard enough for him without you being there too. Don't allow the time with his child to be confused about the situation with you. SOmeone described it as a living berevment, that is exactly what it is like, and it can open up wounds and stor emotions and feelings up to see someone again, especially in their home setting where the loss of their family, family life and future together is even more poignant.

Think about what is best for your son. A quick transition into having his dad back in his life is probably going to be much easier for him than you. You said he's a happy child and his dad isn't actually a complete stranger now is he...

So after a couple of 'supervised' visits what are your thinking in terms of forward planning? And what is your ex hoping for? A gradual build up from an hour 3 times a week now, then to 2 hours at a time, then going up to 4 hours at the weekend, then 8 hours, then an overnight, then a weekend while continuing the mid week couple of hours...

What do you see the progress as being and how quickly?

[mankymummy]

totally agree with gillybean. it is very, very hard especially when you have been used to caring for your DS totally on your own to let go. i had this problem with my ex (coupled with the fact that he is/was totally clueless about what his son needed).

your DS will adapt and although you have been the one solely responsible for him up until now, he does have two parents and your ex has rights and needs too.

having said all that, i took things gradually with my ex (we split up just before my ds was born so ex had no experience of living with DS), ridiculously so in the beginning i can now look back and admit.

now he has him overnight once a month and for a few sessions also on his own and everything is fine. enjoy the time to yourself ! good luck.

[FearlessFanny]

Thanks all - just got back from our chat and I think it is going to be okay. We are starting at 1 hr/twice a week. Unf we just can't fit in any more than that as I work 4 days a week (taking DS to on-site creche 1 hr away). I take everyone's points on the "supervised" thing - it is the gap that worries me, rather than trusting his parenting skills. Luckily he used to be a househusband with his first two, so no worries on that score, thank goodness.

From that point on, I'm planning pretty much how GB suggested - move up to 2 hrs within two weeks, then eventually to overnights every other weekend, by the end of the year.

I only had one worry - XP is talking about week on/week off eventually. I have quite strong feelings against this as I feel a child needs to know where "home" is. At the moment I am just letting this point go, as I am trying to get the basics sorted, but would appreciate any good/bad experiences?

Ta again
x

[CarGirl]

I think if you live close by each other you can pretty much achieve 50/50 contact without resorting to week on/week. Just take it a few months at a time I think you may find overnights can happen within a few months rather than waiting to the end of the year.