ex wants contact!!! BLOODY CHEEK!!!

[angiebaby78]

just found out that exp dad of ds and dd1 wants to take me to court!! Not seen them for 3 years, not even turned up to contact centre cue to small kids crying for their rather incompetent daddy ! please tell me a judge will see snse for once and tell him to feck off.

[gillybean2]

Why is it that you are you hoping the judge will 'see sense' and tell him to 'feck off'?

I can see how it's worrying for you wondering why he has turned up now wanting to see them and the first you hear is he's taking you to court. I would be concerned if my son's father turned up now 9 years later and suddenly wanted to see them and i was expected to hand him over to a complete stranger.

For whatever reasons in the past he's not been able/willing to see them he now seems to be ready and willing to see them. The court process will try and encourage you to come to an agreement where contact in some form is established and then gradually increases.

Children have a right to a relationship with both parents. Introducing them slowly given the lack of a relationship is understandable. But unless there are reasons they would come to harm by seeing him a judge is likely to order some form of contact. They will try and get you to come to an agreement if you possibly can. So you need to work out what is best for your children and how to go about getting this sorted out.

What's past is past, what matters now is the present circumstances and future relationship he can have with his children. What are your main concerns about him seeing the children? Over the past 3 years he might have addressed some of these issues already.

[allgonebellyup]

the judge will certainly NOT tell him to feck off!!!!

i had this same thing with my dd, her dad didnt want to know after we split, then 2 years later took me to court and also ordered a DNA test ffs!

i thought the judge would tell him that as he hadnt bothered then he wouldnt be able to see much of dd.. but no, he got granted parental rights (same as me!)and was allowed to take dd to hotels for 2 nights in a row every fortnight!

Like you, i was fuming that he had shown NO interest in her for 2 yrs, not a card, nothing.
But in hindsight it has been great for dd to see her dad and build a relationship, he really is a great dad now.

[gillybean2]

It can be pretty devestating when a relationship ends, for the dad as well as the mum. Some dad's (just like some mum's) can't handle it and need time to adjust and get themselves sorted out. After they have done this then some find they are then ready and able to come back and be an active part of their child's life again.

Yes it's easy to feel angry and upset at them for having nothing to do with their child and to think they don't care. But that isn't always the case. It's also normal to feel that he has no right since he went off and left you too it and you couldn't just swan off and had to do it all on your own. But his child does have a right to a relationship with him, regardless of your feelings on the matter.

Being angry isn't a good reason to stop him seeing his child.

I can sympathise with your feelings and concern, but he will likely be given contact as I said above and as AllGoneBellyUp found.

The question remains do you have any reason for believing you child would come to harm while with their dad, and if not then are you prepared to facilitate contact and at what kind of pace will you be happy, or are you up for a long drawn out expensive court battle which you will not win and will likely take it's toll on your emotionally and financially and not really be in the best interests of your child...

[edam]

I do think all this fathers' rights stuff has got far too extreme. And gillybean is far too charitable. A parent, of either gender, who fucks off and ignores their children, can't just turn up one day and expect to be welcomed back with open arms. Children aren't playthings.

A parent who abandons them with no contact has betrayed their child unless there are very very good reasons. I can't see why the courts are so keen to bend over backwards for them. Having a shiftless, selfish, erractic git in your life isn't going to help at all.

IF someone does genuinely feel remorse - not merely 'I'm the dad, here I am, aren't I fab' - then maybe they should be allowed to take things very, very slowly and establish a relationship where they demonstrate they can put the child first. Otherwise, no, not fair on the child.

[edam]

I speak as the daughter of divorced parents, btw.

[allgonebellyup]

do agree with edam too

[SoupDragon]

"need time to adjust"?? What a load of b*llocks. Did the OP get any time to adjust when left with 2 small children?

[VictorianSqualor]

My XP is a prize one twonk. He never bothers with his children, the only reason his daughter knows who he is is because his mum and sister arrange contact every few months. His son calls him by his first name as to him he is no-one.

I worked really hard for the first year after we split to get him to see his DC's and he didn't bother, the pub was always more important, so if he suddenly took me to court I'd feel exactly the same as the OP tbh.

I don't think a child deserves to be dropped like a hot potato then picked up again when the time may arise. I only hope that if my XP ever tries anything like this it's when my DC's are old enough to ask him why he didn't bother, and also know when he is lying.

[fordfiesta]

having been through the court proces have to say that your ex will probably get what he wants.... although he wont get it all straight away. ie i doubt that he will get over night contact etc until he has proven that he has esthablished a relationship with the children.
It is an unfair system in someways as really they do not take the particular childs 'best interest' into consideration but more a general approach to what is deemed to be in'childrens' best interest.
If you can work this out without going to court ie suggest a gradual build up of visits ie 2 hrs alt w/e for month, then 2 afternoons alt w/e for a month then maybe a 9-5 visit alt weekends for a month etc it would be so much easier than the whole court process which believe me is shattering!!!!!
Suggest that he has the children at his perants or something if it worries you his ability to look after them safely.... why was he meant to see them at contact centre before thre are no abuse issues are there?
It is so hard and i really feel for you but i think you will have to accept that he will get some visitation right, and i guess in the long run the children do have some right to get to know their father!
I hate (with a passion) my ex, his peranting skills are totally crap and it worries me totally when ds is with him but ds does also love the time he spends with dad (of which ds at 2.5 has the priviledge of having a 2 1/2 hour drive to get to do because his wonderful father has moved 150 miles away.... that is how much he cares (grrrrr bitter...... absolutely)
Speak to a good solicitor (most will do an initial consultation for nothing) and get an idea of what they think the courts will say..... in fact speak to a few as some will give you positive vibes in your favour just to get your business. If they are telling you that he will get what he wants do everything possible to avoid court!!!

[gillybean2]

Edam father's don't have rights as such and I never refered to the father has having a right to see his child. He has responsibilities though.

It is the child who has a right to a relationship with both parents. Mum would have to show why stoping that would be in the best interests of the child. And the court is unlikely to give him every other weekend just like that. They will want to see gradual and increasing contact over several months. That gives him the chance to show he is genuine, able and willing to meet his responsibilities. they will also want to see compromise and agreement between the parents wherever possible.

And i am sympathetic because i have seen first hand the devestating effect it can have on a parent (mum or dad) to be excluded and have contact cut off and then made almost impossible and every little thing a battle and an process through the courts. It takes its toll and many father's (and mother's) give up trying because it is emotionally distressing and sometimes impossible for them to continue. And it is not a rare thing, I have been in contact with many parents (mostly dad's but some mum's too) who are expected to jump through hoops by their ex, have contact constantly cancelled with petty excuses, and have false allegations made against them of DV etc.

I am not saying this is the case here, but I am asking why she hopes the court will prevent any contact.

Yes there are parents out their who abandon their chilren, but if someone reappears i think it is best to ask first why mum is against contact and if it's simply because dad vanished then surely it's better to encourage a way forward (a way that the courts will also require) rather than saying 'oh he's a sod tell him to go away'.

There's two sides to every story. After three years doesn't he at least deserve the chance to show he has changed and is ready to accept his responsibilities?
Gilly

[fordfiesta]

and yes edam, it is not about the childs rights anymore it is about 'fathers rights' and whilst there are a lot of fathers out there justifiably fighting for a decent relationship with their children there are also fathers who take the p*ss.... the courts in my opinion dont recognise the fathers as ever being in the wrong and always assume that the mothers are in the wrong and are with holding the contact GGGRRRRRRRR....... again!

[littlewoman]

Amazes me that the kids have a right to see their father if he wants to see them. They also have rights to see their father if their dad doesn't want to see them. No court in the land would enforce that though, would it? The world is a very selfish place.

[bubblesbabe]

Ford Fiesta - I can't disagree more - from my experience mothers are treated with respect and leniency whoever is at fault. Fathers, however, are made out to be the villains even when they are not. Remember that in the majority of cases it is not about the children but about bitterness and resentment between the parents. Children love both parents and sometimes are not allowed to show that.

[fordfiesta]

bubbles... maybe it was my personnal experience but yes i was made to feel totally in the wrong with a judge that could not even look me in the eye..... he made an assumption that i witheld contact and it was not until the case went to cascaff that my point of view was acknowledged!.... and to a point agreed with, i was lucky that my solicitor pushed for cascaff as i think the judge would have awarded contact rights that were totally inappropriate there and then otherwise. all i saw from a judges point of view was here we go again another mother bitter and p*ssed off etc etc. Just to make a point, i never have witheld contact with ds and his dad and totally acknowledge that YES IT IS ALL ABOUT WHAT DS'S RIGHTS ARE.... have never said otherwise.I have always encouraged ds to talk about his father and have pictures of him etc in his room etc....... Am not getting fed up with you but am fed up with the assumption that all mothers who end up disputing access through court are the ones who are in the wrong, which was my experience.

[bubblesbabe]

I see your point entirely ff and sympathise with you as I guess our experience has been on the opposite sides of the problem. My dp is a lvely man who adores his children and has been painted as aggressive and demanding by his xw. It is so far from the truth and I hate the fact that someone can manipulate the system for their own evil ends.
I feel for you, I really do, as I can imagine what it must have been like for you cos we've been there! ()

[fordfiesta]

Basically bubbles, it is just sad that we are not all grown up enough to deal with it out of court!!!... not something i would ever like to go through again..... and yes it is easy to manipulate the system through lies (i think my ex did) but was also told by many people to lie myself in court (which i did'nt) as it just felt totally the wrong thing to do, but can see how it would have been to my advantage in terms of getting what I wanted. It is very easy to cry 'abuse' from a mothers point of view.
I do hate my ex but ds adores him, i recognise that i would infact be a crap mother for stopping his contact purely down to my own feelings.
....... .... and stuck somewhere in between all our emotional parental crap are totally innocent little children!........

[littlewoman]

Oh, life, FF. Never a truer word spoken. Poor kids.

[edam]

gilly, we aren't talking about mothers 'stopping' contact, we are talking about someone who has buggered off and turns up out of the blue when it suits him. Not the same thing at all.

[angiebaby78]

Hello everyone sorry just caught up with this. The reason i dont want him to have contact is that 3 years ago he got his house petrol bombed in the first week of the summer hols, he was gonna have them but i got a cheap deal on a holiday and went away !!!! Bloddy good job . The next we heard he went to court where the judge ordered psych reports on him due to drug/alcohol abuse he failed miserably, the psych said to keep him away from any kids !!!. That was 2 1/2 years ago now hes back !!

[angiebaby78]

And the dcs are 12 and 10, the age where cafcass recognises them as being able to chose things is 10 ( have been through mediation, cafcass nyou name it i done it) and still he didnt show up at the contact centre !!!( had to be contact centre due to fire hazard!!) NOt sure if i agree with everyone who posted replies, in an ideal world we would all split up and arrange things sensibly, but when you have geniune concerns for the safety of your children i have evry right to tell him to feck off myself !!

[fordfiesta]

i would be scared if my ex had that history! Can they go to his parents for supervised contact or anything?
Do they actually want to go?

[angiebaby78]

The court said any future contact had to be supervised by social worker, at contact centre, he never showed up again. Mow hes back and my solicitor has warned me he may have got himself straight and clean, but how do i ever trust him again, And the kids are not interested, they didnt even want to maintain phone contact.

[fordfiesta]

at the age the kids are i dont think you have much to worry about if they say they do not want to see him i am sure the court will not force them!
If he has cleaned up his act and sorted his life out (oh god dont shout)) does he deserve another chance with them???? Am not sure i would ever trust him again though.....