structured contact?

[TLV]

hi all
how many of you have set days for exs to see your dc or do you allow them to come and see as and when they can.

With me and ex its been one set day at weekend but then he's been coming through the week as and when, just worried a little and think maybe set days would be better as its a routine that dd 2.5yrs will get used too.

[shelleylou]

my ex has ds every other weeked from fri 2 sun and when we lived closer he would occasionaly come round but was usually the same day. Now we are further away he has ds just every other weekend

[Youcannotbeserious]

My DH used to see the kids one day per week when they were little, as we felt they needed him more than EOW.

Then it moved to EOW. Now, it's more relaxed (kids are10 and 13 now) and they understand.

But, I think when they are younger, they need the structure.

I think you should set whatever times etc., that you are both happy with, but a structured arrangement will be better for both of you moving forward and for your DC too.

K x

[gillybean2]

I think it all depends on your situations.

If he works shifts or has changing hours then it would be more reasonable to have flexible hours. As long as he comes every week and you know which day it will be I don't see any problem. In intact families where parents work shifts the children get
used to it. You simply explain to your child he will have so many sleeps till daddy comes next, and you can make a chart on the wall and it's a great way of learning to count. My son learnt to count by counting how many sleeps till we went to the zoo, or his cousins house etc.

Also your child is young and should be seeing his dad more than once a week I feel. Is there no option for an afternoon or evening during the week too? It is important for frequent visits at younger ages to encourage the bonding process and for dad to be more than just another visitor like a grandparent or aunt/uncle.

What about nursery, is he starting that soon? Any option for his dad to drop him off or collect him from that and give him his lunch and the bring him back to you? Gives you a longer break and keeps dad involved.

Keep the hours fixed can make your life much simpler, and if your child was older and becoming anxious with infrequent visits or an unrelaibale dad then that would be different. But it seems to me like your making an issue when non exists.

Do everything to encourage contact, putting obstacles in the way and dictating when he can see his child is signs of a controlling mother who thinks they are the main parent. Children should have two equal parents imo, and should regard them both as equal, and be involved in all aspects of their lives.

Also making the day fixed might mean dad doesn't can't come every week, which would confuse your child more. I suggest you speak or write to your ex and see if he would be happy to go for a fixed day, and possibly an evening after work. Suggest it don't dictate it.

Keep up what seems like a working situation if you possibly can. It's important for your son to have a real relationship with his dad.

Best of luck
Gilly

[Jane1979]

My xp see's ds two evenings in the week for a couple of hours, and both sat and sunday for a couple of hours each day, this works really well for us because he isn't going a long time between visits so doesn't really miss him that much, and i get regular breaks, which is also nice, but i might add that the split is quite new, we remained friends and there is nobody els involved, so i'm lucky in the sense that we don't mind having to see each other a lot, I'm aware this could all change when our situations change, but so far so good.

[seeker]

If he lives near, could you have an arrangement where there are absolutely -set-in-stone type days, but also ave it so that if he's got some free time or it's an unexpectedly sunny day he can come and take him to the park or something on other days? This is what my brother did - and he said it made him feel more involved with his children and it was less mechanical. The children liked ittoo because htey knew where they were in termsof routine visits, but there were occasional extras as well.