should I just say yes??

[LoneLou]

I've not been on here for a while things were under control. Me and X have been arguing again, when ds isn't around. I'm still quite angry about the whole situation, him seeing another woman behind my back etc etc. But I have never throughout all this once said he cannot see ds. He has been seeing ds everyday, he picks him up from school when I'm at work and then drops ds back off to me when I get back. The time has come now where ds is going to stay at X and HER house this weekend, which gives me some time to let off a bit of steam shall we say. Me, X and ds are all fine with this but now X is demanding that he have ds every weekend! I have agreed that he can have ds every OTHER weekend and continue seeing him everyday like he does but he wants more. Can anyone sympathise with my situation? I think I'm being really fair by letting him see ds whenever he wants now, so why does he have to push it. Why should I lose my time with ds coz he chose to walk out?

[LoneLou]

Yeah, but I don't want it to get to that stage my ds is only 5.

[mummyfantastico]

Every other weekend is more than fair when he him every day in the week.
Why should you miss out on the nice, relaxing play time of weekends and just have to do the nagging rush of getting to school etc that makes up the week days?

[Harra]

Sounds like you are being extremely fair. Every other weekend is fair. I wouldn't recommend court, costly, depressing and horrible. I think you just need to keep stating how fair you are being, your ds is important to both of you and you should split weekends. Maybe say why - such as your ds seeing your family/friends at weekends which can't be managed in the week.
But you are being reseaonable. All my sympathies and good luck.

[Baffy]

Every other weekend is totally fair, especially if he's seeing him every day too.

You're being very strong, and very reasonable in all of this. And he should bloody appreciate that!

Don't back down. Yes he was the one who chose to walk away. So he can either agree with your (very fair) compromise over ds, or take you to court.
I bet he wouldn't get ds every weekend if it was decided through a court. When exactly would you get to spend time with your own son?!

Good luck.

[fudgey]

You decide and stand your ground, you are already being very accomodating. Good Luck and try and be strong. It must be so hard for you having all this and having to deal with the realationship breakdown but you must look after yourself.

The thing I found the hardest was that I felt I always met my xh's demands for the sake of my 2dc, even though mine is the opposite (he wants them less and less) and he never does anything I ask. After 3 years I know better than to even think he would be think to my needs. Put your ds first then yourself, he will have to work around you.

[Tinkerbel6]

Lonelou you are entitled to have a weekend with quality time with your son so every weekend is unreasonable, I would say no to the every weekend as its not as if he dont see your son cause he picks him up from school every day, keep the arrangements how they

[lostdad]

Once again Lou, I wish my ex was as 10% as reasonable as you. In law it makes no difference who left who and of course, your son's welfare being the most important thing.

Please son't go to a solicitor or court however unless it is really, really necessary. That is a slippery slope which will not make things better, only worse. The only winner if you involve a solicitor, will be the solicitor - and they'll be happy for it to run as they make £90 per hour even if you are on legal aid (and around double that, if you're not).

If you can't come to an agreement with him, organise mediation. They will be able to present your ex and yourself with lots of different options, one of which you will hopefully both be able to live with.

[Surfermum]

Maybe he's pushing it because he loves his son dearly and misses him when he isn't with him, and just wants to spend as much time with his son as he can.

Having said that, it isn't unreasonable for you to want weekends with him too, and alternating them seems a good way of sorting it out.

Do avoid Court if you possibly can. It's stressful for all involved, not least your ds.

[LoneLou]

Thanks everyone. I am determined not to go down the court route which is why I think I'm being reasonable. My mum says that X thinks he still has a hold over me, she thinks he probably tried to control me when we were together and is still trying now. which is why I have to stand firm and he needs to accept that I let him see son whenever, I know that son needs his dad which is why I'm not stopping him. why can't he just accept this and leave ME alone, I know he loves his son very dearly but so do I and why should Me and son lose out because of him.

[allgonebellyup]

My ex has ds every weekend from fri night til sun night, would you not consider this??
it works out fine for us..

[allgonebellyup]

Sorry just saw on your profile that you work full time, so you prob dont get to see ds much in the week??

[LoneLou]

hi-ya allgonebellyup.

I drop ds off at school in morning and don't see him then until 5.30pm when X drops him off to me, at present x sees ds on sunday from 12-5 and doesn't see ds on saturday but picks him up from school everyday.

It would suit me every other weekend but not sure about every weekend.

[allgonebellyup]

sorry, yes it sounds as if every other weekend would be best for you. (i work with my ds as i work as a nanny, and he is not at school yet - so can get sick of the sight of him, lol !)

How is it all going with your ex? do you still have feelings for him like you said previously??

[Surfermum]

I would avoid letting it come over to your x as you "letting" him see his son. It might get his back up. The way he may look at it, if you do that, is that you are making it sound like your ds is "yours" and that you think you are the only one who can say if and when he can see him, when he views it as your son having two parents who have to work out between them when he can be with each of them.

Equally he can't demand to have him. He has to accept that you have to find something that is fair to all of you, not least your ds.

[LoneLou]

hI-YA ALLGONEBELLYUP.

feelings for X are disappearing slowly, when he comes to the door with ds sometimes I look at X and think what did I ever see in him but then other times (which are getting less might I add) I look at X and think yes I do still love him, but deep down I just want him to be happy. I want us all to be happy.

I have tried to talk to ds and he basically says he wants to see both mummy and daddy more, so I think the way things are now suit him fine he sees us equally and the other times he at school.

And it is definitely getting better by the day, it still hurts when I think about everything bt it is getting easier.

take care xx

[lostdad]

Surfermum - that is a very good point. From my ex's attitude it seems like she think she is doing me a favour allowing contact between our (not my, not her) son.

What worries me is...will he grow up thinking that if he ever becomes a father himself, that he is valueless as a parent and his views can casually be completely ignored if his partner/wife decides?

Or will he simply decide it isn't even worth having kids for this reason?

Not something I think anyone reasonable would want to put on their children.

[tetti]

You are being VERY fair,stand your ground sweetie.x

[pirategirl]

every other weekend is fair, he is just trying to get his own way. they will push and push.

My ex always tried to make me feel bad about everything. I think yuo have to have quaility time with your ds at weekends, as there is not time during the week to relax.

Say no, stand back and wait for the response. He'll have to lump it inthe end.

[lostdad]

Quality time' is important...but so is normal parenting time'.

I am not sure how many people would appreciate how much of a pleasure it is for both my son and myself that I have started after almost a year fighting through the courts to be able to do something as mundane as go shopping with son. Or walking in the park.

Bringing him home' (i.e. the place my ex left) quite frankly is a wild, almost imaginable fantasy. Which makes me feel deeply pathetic.<br /> <br /> Look. I'm trying to say that in an ideal world, you and your ex would be able to work together with your ds in the same way you would have done if you had not split up. Yes, I know it's not possible because of the practicalities.<br /> <br /> It is wrong for <strong>either</strong> for a child's mother <span class="italic">or</span> father to dictate, or try to dictate to each other. That way leads only to resentment and trouble.<br /> <br /> Lumping it' is probably not a helpful term. Children have two parents, even if you sometimes wish they didn't.

[LoneLou]

I understand what your saying lostdad, I don't knowingly say my son I always try to be fair, which is why dad can see son anytime he likes. I just don't see why my time should be reduced with son so dad can spend more time with son.

Honestly I do find it so hard to think of the other woman with my son and I know how infatuated X is with her I don't want her taking over, because I really don't know her and X doesn't really, I just worry so much all the time, I really go out of my way to make things as smooth for ds as possible.

[lostdad]

Lou - wasn't you specifically - just stuff I pick up on sometimes. I'm sensitive to it because of my situation!

As I said before...I wish my ex was 10% as reasonable and committed as you!

[mummyofaprincess]

LoneLou how long have you and your xp been split?

The reason i`m asking is my xp wants our DD to stay with him and her (the women he was cheting and left me for also)

[pirategirl]

well he can 'lump it' becuase she IS being fair, this is NOT your specific situation lost dad. He is asking for way too much of the free time.

Sorry but I am only responding therefore becuase I am sensitive to this too.

my ex has screwed up my dd's life, by letting her down, yet dictating to me, so even tho, he left I have become a sort of vulnerable person, too.