OMG, he makes me so ANGRY!!!!!

[chickenmama]

Rant warning - I need to get this out and have no where else to go right now!

I just called my dd's father as after a couple of emails asking him about contact he's stopped responding. He is incapable of having a conversation without going back to what happened in the past (and it's usually how HE THINKS it happened and not how it really did!) I know I was stupid to call but I wanted to know what's up with him as my dd keeps saying daddy and he hasn't given me any definite answers about anything so I have no idea what to say to her.

His answer was he'll call as and when 'he's ready' (WTF?!?!). I told him no he won't as it's not fair on her and he needs to be consistant (how many times have I said that?!) It was a pointless convo and all it did was make me angry... especially as the whole time my dd was in the room making lots of noise and he didnt once mention her, ask about her or want to speak to her!!!! And I have no idea if he's going to be contacting her or sending any more maintenance money either.

I wish I could be like him and just forget the b**rd but I worry how that might affect dd later on... tho me making the decision to cut all ties might be better than having him come in and out her life when he feels like it.

Urgh, I wish I'd never called!!

[pirategirl]

Sometimes you just know the reactionyou are going to get, but you have to do what you think is best for the dc.

Damned if you do , or dont.

I know its far easier these days not to bother, bother to try and gleen any info/help/amswers/interest, out of my ex.

If i am wound up by him, i vent on here, get it out, then have a cry, or a 'my god he's so fucking unbelievaeble ten mins. like you are now.

These ones are just children themselves to my mind, they have regressed, whilst we have to go on, provide and be bigger somehow.

sorry but thats why we are women, and they are the worst of the man species. You have done your best again to try and give some answers to your dd. Its sad, but the kids will just be learning as time goes by that thier dad's are useless.

I just pray my dd gets enough from me, to make up for it somehow.

[stoppinattwo]

CM........just remeber it is his loss for being such an arse.

You and your dd will be just fine. there is nothing you can do to make him behave the way you think is right so i wouldnt waste your enregy and get stressed by it. I mean that in the nicest possible way btw.........he will not cross your dd's mind as time goes on, and when he does want to see her, then he can make proper arrangements on your terms when it is best for dd good luck XX

[stoppinattwo]

hi pirategirl

[aiden07]

hiya, i'm new to mumsnet, and have never posted anything on a forum before, but this i have to comment. i have a baby girl who is 5m. her father and i broke before i found out i was pregnant. thruoghout the pregnancy he consistantly used the fact that i broke up with him to have nothing to do with pregnancy, only time he'd talk to me was to whine about the emotionless bitch (me) who broke his heart. i found the whole thing draining, and did pregnancy by myself (not the best of times)

since baby has been born, he has made a couple of phone calls about how he wants to be part of her life and be involved in her upbringing. he seen her once and was only after numerous phone calls (on my part) and promises that his 'involvement' wouldn't include financial maintanence (which he's never made). i couldn't even get him to register the birth with me, and this from a guy who wanted to get married and raise kids together.

i find the whole situation v fustrating but for the baby i keep trying. i've told myself that after her first b-day, if he's still not making the effort then i'll let him by. i feel bad (and guilty, v v v guilty) for baby cos she is amazing, and it' almost like she's being punished for my idiocy (for getting involved with him)

[barmybird]

Its so 'good' to hear its not just me struggling with this. My x has just announced that he won't be coming to dd birthday. No reason given just not coming. My heart breaks for her, she so wanted him there and I have pointed this out, but still he's not coming. How do you get that selfish?

[chickenmama]

You're both absolutely right, thanks guys I was having a crazy moment but I've recovered now!

I know we're better off without him, and I'm doing a great job on my own... I guess I just think sometimes how it would be nice for dd to have a daddy who cares. But I know that's highly unlikely from him. And I also know, from seeing how he was with his other kid, that if they did have contact he'd probably mess with her head too...

So I will keep strong, let HIM contact ME if he wants to know her, and definitely keep it on my terms so I know there's no way he can upset her. And if we never hear from him again, then deep down I'd be very happy.

Pirategirl, sorry you have such a good-for-nothing ex too, it sounds like you're doing a fab job with your dd x

[Magdelanian]

I was in a similar situation years ago. DD knows who her father is as she has had contact with his wider family all her life. He's never shown much interest in her and has certainly never behaved as her father. I did regret letting her get close to his family on many occasions, I suppose I hoped that he would change and be worth something to her, but that didnt happen and it was too late to withdraw her from their love.

She's now 13, he's married with 3 other kids who she knows and cares about but isnt involved with them as much as she would like.

A couple of years ago she wanted answers and it was difficult to find the words. Except to say that his indifference was towards me. I took her to counselling which helped and she seems settled enough now to not let it affect her life. I feel for anyone in this position its very difficult to know whether to cut them out. DD does agree that I did the right thing by her. Hope this helps.

[chickenmama]

hi aiden07 and barmybird, you must have posted while I was writing my other reply...

aiden your situation sounds a lot like mine - we split when I was a few months pregnant when I found out about the other woman, my ex tried very hard to convince me to not have my dd and has blamed me ever since for something I can't quite understand.

He was never there during the pregnancy, apart from giving me loads of stress, refused to come to the birth (which I'm very proud of for doing all on my own!) and then showed up on occasions after she was born to 'see the baby' (try and get in my knickers). He left the country when she was 5 months and has had very little contact. Sometimes he promises her the world, other times he wants nothing to do with her. Recently I've been trying my hardest to make him understand that she's starting to say daddy and it might be good if they had some regular contact (which he promised before he left) but I do feel that because I'm asking, he's saying no.

I absolutely understand where you're coming from about feeling guilty. My dd is 19 months and I'm still trying as I want the best for her. However, I'm starting to realise that knowing her father right now might not be the best thing. I know I can't force him into anything, and even if I could it wouldn't be good for her. He needs to WANT to know her, and he needs to prove that to me as I've heard it all before and don't trust a word he says anymore.

barmybird - so sorry about your dd's birthday. That's exactly the kind of thing I dread and I know my dd's father is capable of. I hope she has a great day anyway. How old is she?

[skyatnight]

Hi all. I have been thinking a lot about this recently too. dd is nearly three. I have mentioned her father vaguely in the past to her but he doesn't bother with her. He dumped me when I was pregnant.

In the last six months or so she has been showing some curiosity, probably due to seeing other kids' fathers at nursery and, I suppose, just a general increase in awareness in line with her age. Over Xmas, her questions became more insistant and persistant. For the last few weeks, she keeps asking about him and wants to see him. She even sometimes calls for him when she is upset and wants him instead of me (but she has never known him!) I have tried to low-react. She can't know that her expectations are unrealistic but it is heartbreaking to see that she is already beginning to idolise this absent father who doesn't care about her.

I have ended up saying that I will write to him, which I will eventually by email, I'm putting it off. Just over a year ago he wrote asking about her but nothing happened. I sent photos of her before Xmas and he said 'thanks', nothing more. I am convinced that he is waiting for the whole scenario to play out, i.e., that she asks about him, I ask him to see her, he messes me around, she gets hurt, this hurts me, she blames me, this hurts me, he gets his revenge for my refusal to use a termination as belated contraception (the pregnancy was planned by both of us but he changed his mind).

He will play us along at various times in her childhood so she will probably get hurt over and over again, gradually damaged. A bit melodramatic, I know. But I've read what some of the rest of you have been through and he was abusive to me, and he doesn't seem to care about her, so I feel confident in expecting the worst.

But there's always a tiny seed of hope there, isn't there? You can't help it - perhaps he's changed, surely he won't hurt an innocent child, his own flesh and blood? What would it cost him to make her happy. Doesn't he realise what he's missing out on?

But he's got no empathy or compassion and if he was the kind of man who would make a good father and the best of a bad situation, I wouldn't be writing this post.

A friend has told me not to write to him, to protect my dd from the hurt and disappointment, to let sleeping lions lie. But dd won't let it go. Isn't it my duty to represent her and convey her message to him, even though I believe it will lead to frustration, disappointment and hurt. If you don't represent your child's wishes, you could be blamed for this in the future. If you do, then you are opening the way for further hurt.

There is no answer except to play it out. A friend of mine was telling me about an absent father who finally agreed to see his daughter when he was dying and wanted to start a relationship then (due to guilt, I suppose). Maybe it gave them both some 'closure' but, to my mind, it's too little too late, pathetic.

[pirategirl]

magdalanian,

I worry about my dd's future, esp when she gets to teen age. I want to say the right things about her dad.

I rarely saw my dad, growing up due to him working away and that washard, but i just can't imagine how my dd must feel knowing her dad is about half an hour away, and has no excuse.

My father also went on to leave me out alot in my teens, and his new family took prize position.

Yet although he wasn't the fathe ri wantedhim to be, and that took me yrs to getover (up till about 30!), he did ring me every week, which was worth the earth.

How did you let your dd know you had tried your best without putting her dad down?

What age was she when he wasn't around.?
Hope u don't mind these questions, as i find it interesting and helpful to hear your expereince.

[Tinkerbel6]

chickenmama seems like he is dragging his heels cause you are contacting him and its your daughter that is getting hurt, sit back and let him contact you regarding access, see how long it take him, the proof is in the pudding what lengths he goes to to see your daughter, your daughter will come to her own conclusion, unfortunately you cant force contact and if you are worried about maintenance then contact the CSA, hope it works out ok.

[chickenmama]

Thanks Tinkerbel, you've confirmed what I was thinking. From now on I'm going to leave it to him. The only problem with maintenance is that he lives abroad and the CSA can't help, but I guess that's a small price to pay for a hassle-free life.

[lottymadbird]

sorry you are having a rough time. I'm in the same situation too, split with exP a few weeks before DS was born (because I went into early labour with the stress of his drinking and lies and he left me in a foreign hospital all alone not knowing whether I'd give birth or not - hmm.. shouldnt i have realised then what a useless prat he was then?! ) and have spent the last two and a half years trying to get him to contribute financially and persuading him to see DS.

speaking from the childs point of view, my parents split up when i was young, my dad looked after me as my mother was a total nightmare. she kept coming in and out of our lives over several years until one day my dad said enough was enough. it was the best thing he ever did for me (and he did alot for me bless him).

having said that i still am the one contacting exP asking when he's going to see his son. the primal need to do the best for your child makes you feel you are letting them down if they dont have a father.

i still cannot believe how difficult exP has made our lives and how self-centred he is. and reading all the posts here I can't believe how many men seem to be so useless !!!

[ScruffyTeddy]

Its really tough sometimes isnt it? I remember this all too well. The blowing hot and cold started when I was a few weeks pg, first he'd be there for us, then he would ignore my calls. Started disappearing..I spoke to him once after he walked out and he said he needed time to think.

He then changed his number, sent messages through friends to say he wasn't interested and never wanted to meet her. Up until her first birthday I was convinced he'd change his mind. He never even sent a card. I perhaps knew then it was a waste of time but for her sake I sent one letter to his mums asking if they wanted to meet their grandchild (they wouldn't accept any phonecalls from me, slammed the phone down every time..I dont know why, there had never been a bad word between us).

I remember feeling like my heart was being ripped out whenever she asked about her dad, and it was probably only 6 months ago that I realised it didn't bother me anymore. Its her 4th birthday soon so we'll see how I feel on that day. Hopefully it will be fine. He's a waste of space and im actually glad he's not around to influence her.

Im not angry with him anymore, not really even sad. He's pathetic and its his loss

[fudgey]

How many people are there in this same situation? I'm reading all of these and stunned.

CM I know exactly how you feel - my xh never answers anything when I contact him but when he needs something I have to respond quickly and politely!!

I have been contacting mine for 18 mths, since the current girlfriend appeared, he has been dropping visit and time with my 2 dc's. I had laid off last term but made one last atempt last week, he has now told me he will take the kids if I can't cope and they can go to her sons school and her sons childminder!! Nice????

For you, me and everyone of us its heartbreaking and hard work - don't you wonder what we will be like as older mums when ours kids are marries/divorced etc???

Hang in there. xx

[mummyofaprincess]

my xp left me DD 3 and my bump now im 6 months gone, at the end of november.<br /> <br /> He doesnt really want to know dd, he sees her about half an hour a week, and now hes got his house he said he wont be coming to see dd so much

he left me when i found out he was cheating on me with his current gf, we was together 7 years and he WAS the best dad in the world till he left

I used t call to see if he was seeing DD but now i have given up.

Its like hes a different person now<br /> <br /> DD today saw him for half an hour and when he was here she said mommy and daddy stay here and i go to school, i then had to explain that daddy wasnt going to be here when she got hom, as he lives somewhere else etc etc, when she come out of school DD didn`t speak and after a while she said mommy and daddy stay at home, its so heart breaking, i never knew he was like this, how wrong can i be???

So for everyone who is going through this aswell x x x

[themoon66]

This thread is heartbreaking. So many brave MNers out there

[lottymadbird]

its horrible. my DS has started getting upset when ever anyone leaves and always says will i see you again? when any of my friends come round. im sure its because he never knows when he's going to see his dad again.

when i dropped him off at nursery on friday he said will i see you again mummy? it was awful (making me tearful just thinking about it now), he's never said it to me before and i thought he knew i would always be there for him.

[Magdelanian]

I've been off the computer for a couple of days so just come back to this thread and I agree it is heartbreaking to read.

My DD's dad and I broke up the week before I found out I was pregnant. Although he never asked me not to have her I think he felt it was out of his control. I went through the usual rubbish until she was 3 (showing an interest to get his leg over etc) for want of a better phrase

Throughout her life he's had every opportunity to take on his role but never did. Although he shows her no malice i.e she gets the christmas/birthday presents and occassionally spends time with him and his family, there is a lack of continuity. He shows no compassion or care for her feelings. Its a strange situtation and I've often felt that we must be the only ones who have gone through this.

I got over him a long time ago, I admit it was much harder than I'd envisaged, But DD who has turned into a lovely, intelligent girl and who witnesses his shortcoming with the children he lives with, I'm not so sure, deep down I can tell that she loves him. She also adores his children. Its so sad but she's proving to be the better person.

It's never easy to know what's going to be in the best interests for the children when dealing with reluctant dads. I hope that if my DD had never met him it might have done more harm than knowing him.

If anyone is still reading this long post. I do think he deserved it regret giving him a tiny, winy bit of grief in the emotional early days, and lets face it you cannot help it. But being the cowards that they are its much easier to bury their heads in the sand than its is to have contact with a child who's mum you cannot commit to.

[lottymadbird]

think you've just said it in one word there - cowards.

can we have more "My DC's turned out wonderful despite their dads being rubbish" please ?!!!!!

[Magdelanian]

I'm sure there must be many. Over to you other mumsnetters.

[mummyofaprincess]

DD came out of nursery again today and asked if daddy was going to be at home, and if she could see him, i cant even give her a day as he hasnt given me one to see her next.

I am so upset right now for DD.

She is so quite and this is unlike her.

O.k he walked out on me to be with OW but theres no need to stop seeing his daughter, i would never stop him and he knows this yet hes taking the piss and not seeing her at all bar the half an hour here and there.<br /> <br /> I hope DD knows im always going to be here for her!!

Feel so sad right now

[chickenmama]

Just thought I'd post an update - dd's father emailed in the week saying that he would call her either yesterday or today.

Amazing??!? He finally listened to something I said?!

Here's the entire email he sent:
'I will call Friday or Saturday morning time, my time. Hope she is good.'

Well it would've been amazing, if he'd actually called! We've been home all day both days (NOT waiting for his call, because dd is ill ) and not a peep! Good job I'd decided to give up bothering or I might be slightly annoyed right now!

[skyatnight]

Hi Chickenmama. It's so frustrating, isn't it?

I emailed dd's father to say that she is asking for him and is sad that he shows no interest in her. (She has become aware that other children have Daddies and feels that she is missing something. She told me: 'My Daddy doesn't like me.')

I tried to word the email as mildly as possible, really bending over backwards to try and encourage some contact, however infrequent, completely on his terms, between them. No reply. I am not surprised as he will not even recognise her as his child, despite paying regular maintenance (!?).

At the end of the day, all you can do is try, and then let it go. I am keeping a folder of the emails I send, and any replies, in order to be able to show her in the future that I did try.

I am surprised that she is feeling as she does as she has never known him. I am worried about the future, as there are scientific studies to show that girls with absent fathers are more likely to develop early (apparently the lack of male hormone in a household causes puberty to begin sooner?). Also girls with absent fathers are, according to studies, more likely to be promiscuous (to get male attention), to have low self-esteem, to be either under-achievers or over-achievers (desperately trying to impress their absent fathers).

I suppose there is no point worrying about the above except that I hope I can make dd feel secure enough to feel that she has value in her own right and does not need male approval. The only other thing I could do is to find her a new secure father figure - easier said than done.