Whats this all about? so mad I want to scream!!

[pinguthepenguin]

Exp has our 6mo over to stay aprox once a week. He is quite good with her and I've no concerns about her care when she's with him.
He has always been a controlling person though,the type to always have an opinion and has the need to always be 'right'. Now that we've split, his opinions are regarding the baby and its silly stuff, which most men are happy to leave to the mothers, but quite frankly drives me up the left.
He does this with many irrelevant aspects of her care ( should she be wearing those baby shoes? they dont look suitable to me'. 'She's needs to be in her own cot by now, Its high time she was out of your bed'. 'You're not winding her properly')

The man has, quite literally, become a parenting guru since he left. ( when dd was 7wks old I might add.

Heres his newest obessession:

She is currently weaning and I've advised him on how im doing it etc i.e, starting her on fruit and veg for a short time before moving to meat- the usual. He had her for 2 nights just recently over the new year, and I asked him to give her just veg etc. He immediately questioned me about the medical reasoning behind my descision not to give her meat just yet, and 'did I have any research to back it up'? ( I kid you not). I told him repeatedly that this is standard advice, etc etc, and he eventually seemed satisfied with that. Anyway, he returned her to me today, and proudly told me that he had spent quite a bit of time researching my theory and hasn't found anything to back it up, and went on at me for not having her on meat by now, and that 'he would get her started on it soon'. He went on to say he'd been chatting to lots of people about it and they've concluded that he's right. He also diregarded my request to feed her at x time, and said he felt it wasn't good for her to be eating at that time, so he fed her hours before.

It takes EVERY fibre of my being not to hurl him out of the house, but I simply try as hard as I can to let him have his say. The trouble is, I wholeheartedly know the person he's getting his advice from, is the ow, and this is more than I can bear, because it appears they are both sitting there, constantly questioning my parenting. He is a first time father - he didn't know a thing about children before this, and to think that he is being fed his information from ow is awful. He is forever coming back to me with silly little nuggets of information and has to have a say on EVERYTHING.

I know some of you are going to say that I should be greatful, some men don't care etc, but I just cant help resenting this constant opinionating about the child that I am bringing up alone.

He stands in front of me, spouting his rubbish and I cant believe he even has the nerve, considering that he did what he did.
The trouble is, I don't think I've a leg to stand on, because he is so controlling, and it probably isn't worth it anyway. Sorry, realise this sounds so petty, but its driving me nuts.

Anyone have any experience of this?
How do I let it go over my head?

[Maveta]

Oh that sounds so hard. I can imagine it would take a superhuman effort but maybe just try to nod and really lightly and breezily say ´yes, yes, oh really, you think so? that´s interesting´ and then just move on collecting her things etc. Do you have much crossover time that you have to chat and get into these things or could you just say you were in a rush?

He only has her 1 day a week so nothing he does on his day is going to disrupt your routine too much I wouldn´t think, if he wants to change her shoes or put her in her own cot at his house, fine.. you know it´s nothing to do with him what you do in your own house.

If it is any my consolation I still get a bit wound up when I´ve looked into how to do things and dh demands to know the whys and wherefores of doing it like that. Or just comes back and basically repeats whatever his older sister has told him is the way to do things.. so it´s not just lone parents - I think Mums just want to do things their way and not be questioned! (and whyever not?! )

[Flllightattendant]

Is he a Leo? I only ask because my ex is exactly like this, or was rather, and that is why I left him

Always trying to be the big man who was right, despite being massively wrong about nearly everything we ever discussed...

I got rid of him by being breezy and cheerful while refusing to agree that he had never done anyhthing wrong while we were together. He couldn't bear the disrespect and never turned up...not a peep since.

I guess if you want your child to know her father, that wouldn't be a great idea...

[ivykaty44]

I do know where you are coming from - interfering busy body that is just going to go on to confuse baby with feeding, sleeping times etc.

I would persist with the broken record tecnique "oh my HV told me to do it this way" and if there is no evidence of this practice tell him it is new practice and that "my HV told me to do it like this for saftly reasons"

It is not a nice place to be and when questioned made me feel like the "nanny" not the mother of my own dc

I thank my lucky stars that I don't have to live with the w**ker any more

[dooley1]

I think he probably realises how much it winds you up.
Hard as it is you have to find a ay to rise above it, don't let him know it annoys the living daylights out of you, and as soon as he realises it has no effect I bet he stops.
The issue is loads to do with the ow, perfectly understandable. But you get 6 days a week with your lo and he gets one measly day - you have the best of it and he knows it. More fool him!

[pinguthepenguin]

Thanks for the replies

I guess it could be to just wind me up, but tbh, I think its just his way of asserting his need for control- lettling me know he's got a say in what goes on. It isn't that I mind him having a say, its just that I know its utter tripe, and that its coming from somone else, not him.

Theres usually only a crossover time of 5min or less, and its usually because I need to discuss the baby with him - she is only 6mo after all.

He seems absolutely adamant to keep things seperate, even though I'm trying not to, for dd's sake. For example, if he buys her a toy or an item of clothing, he keeps it there, so she gets little use out of it. Ditto if his family buy her anything. He kept every single present his family got her for xmas at his house, so I've no idea what they got her. Its massively possessive and I cant undertand the need for it. I routinely send him off with toys/new clothes that I've bought her, and rarely say anything if he doesn't bring them back, because its petty.
I find it pathetic that he wants to keep things like this, and it makes me sad for the future to come.
`

[noranora]

he needs something else to concentrate i guess
x

[pinguthepenguin]

er no- thats the trouble nora- he had someone to concentrate on before we even split. I'm guessing his romantic distraction has madfe him even more of a twat, and theres obviously rhe issue of wanting to impress ow.

[MeMySonAndI]

Oh gosh! my sympaties! is hard to be married (or ex-married) to an academic isn't it?

Big heartfelt hug from someone who has been there!

Regarding toys and clothes... Miaou was so nice to start a thread for me about separate parenting, you and your ex may find it interesting. Let me see if I can find it (it was in chat so not sure if still around)

[MeMySonAndI]

here

[pinguthepenguin]

Thankyou MemysonandI- really helpful to have a positive spin on what is esentiallym a shitty situation.

It is dreadfully hard to listen to him whittering on, or passing second hand info to me, when Im the one doing absolutley everything for our DD. I simply wouldnt have the brass neck to do this if I was in his position, but he has a very thick skin and doesnt see the irony. I keep telling myself he's trying to prove something because he knows that leaving like he did was a lousy thing to do- a wa of easing his conscience I guess. The thing is- this is so not the way to go about it.

Do you know, I bought him a xmas present from the baby- just for the sake of keeping things nice, and he never even acknowledged it. Literally never commented on it at all.

So unnecessary.

[MeMySonAndI]

We have good and bad times, and for the times when things are bad we have a little notebook to pass info about DS which is in his bag everytime he goes from one house to the other one.

The way it works is that you write down any concerns about the child (like the eczema is getting worse needs extra moisturising, complaining about earache don't take him swimming, had piriton at 2:30 don't give another dose until after xyz, etc). And it saved us a lot of conversations at a time we really were not in the mood to have them, besides, he is so distracted that I knew that by the time he got to the car he would have forgotten half of what I asked him to do.

PErhaps if he has to write things down he wouldn't be so obnoxious (or at least you will find it easier to ignore his tone).

If you think this may help, I can pass you the info about how to organise the book properly. And if he wants more references, there is a book that we have found very very helpful to deal with the new situation, it is called "Putting children first: a handbook for separated parents". I can not recommend it strongly enough.

[pinguthepenguin]

thankyou- the trouble is, I dont atually believe he thinks there is anything wrong as I rarely have it out with him- I just seethe quietly. I may well read the book myself though.

[Tinkerbeltinsel]

pingu if you showed him something black he would swear its white, he is doing it to have one last little hold over you and to make you feel like cack, in future when he does it interrupt him and dont let him finish and tell him that if he dont stop trying to be awkward you will lodge it all with a solicitor, I think you do need to toughen up a bit, as for buying him a present tut tut why are you rewarding him for bad behaviour ?

[pinguthepenguin]

Tinker

It isnt the first time I've been told to toughen up with him- you're right.The only reason I bought him a present (albeit, he bought me one as well, think it was guilt), was because I wantedthat to be a sign of things to come, you know, for the baby.
I've been trying to keep things as amicable as poss because I cant bear the idea of communicating with him on this level for the rest of DD's life.
The whole thing about 'educating' me on my parenting of our child is practically weekly, and it grates.
The thing is, I simply know that everything he says has come from he (ow) and that is unbearable. I cant believe he has the nerve to think I wouldnt know that. I've already had enough from them, without this as well.

He's never actually said, 'oh, you're doing a great job with the child I walked out on, so thanks'. Not likey to either eh?

[agnesnitt]

Tell him that every child is different, and that you have worked out what is best for yours. If that isn't good enough just kick him in the balls and say that medical evidence suggests that this is a well respected method of relaxation for mothers.

Twat.

Agnes

[pinguthepenguin]

lol agnes!