Ex cancelled twice in 3 days - Advice please

[sarah1969]

I am so angry at my ex. After all the hoo-hah of going backwards and forwards between solicitors for 2 years trying to sort contact, I finished with my solicitors in September (for numerous reasons) and arranged things directly with the ex. We agreed upon contact with my dd who is 4, every 2 weeks (depending on his work shift which involves 2 days, 2 nights and 4 days off). The first 2 contact sessions went well. The last one he texted me 2 days before to say he didnt think he could make it as he had the flu, so I told him it was a bit premature to say now, we would see how he was. Luckily he made a miraculous recovery and had no sign of it when he arrived. The next visit was arranged for Wednesday afternoon. 2 hours before he phoned me to say his girlfriend was moving out (he finished with her 2 months ago after realising he didnt love her and was only with her for the 11 month baby!) and he didnt want to leave her alone in the house in case she packed any of his stuff. He arranged to come today, and spoke to my daughter telling her all they would do together today. Wednesday I had a terrible time with my dd, she threw tantrums, kicked me, hit me, threw things at me, shouted, and was really naughty. When I finally took her to bed she told me it was because it was my fault that her daddy didnt come and she was angry at me (in her reasoning, because he told me and I told her, it made it my fault). This morning she woke up early, came into my bedroom and was jumping and bouncing on the bed singing songs about her daddy coming. 2 hours before he was due (are you all one step ahead of me???) he texted to say he couldnt come, he has a sickness bug. I told him he couldnt do it to her twice in one week, that he could lie down here and she would be his nurse maid. My dd phoned him and pleaded with him on the phone to come, but he refused point blank, wouldnt even make the effort. I am so angry, I told him that it was unforgivable and that contact would stop, as he would make the effort if he cared.

Am I being unreasonable? This is the same guy who (if some of you read my other post) told me he wanted us to get together for sex as we were both single so long as I understod there was no relationship in it. The guy is a j* and I can see why I left him 2 years ago. But at the end of the day I now have a upset and angry 4 yr old to try and entertain today amidst all the hitting, kicking and screaming.

Any advice or similar experiences appreciated, I am at my wits end over all this. He kept fighting for phone contact but now he can phone her he never bothers. He has already been on the chat sites lookign for his next conquest, and as soon as he meets someone he will put her first again, like he did for the last one.

So what do I do now? Give him another chance? Stop all contact? Send a letter bomb to his house?? Or should I just get drunk and put it down to experience???

[Alambil]

Stop contacting him - let it be his duty to arrange contact. If none happens, he only has himself to blame.

I feel so for your DD and for you - how effing DARE he?

Is there any chance of doing something super-special to take her mind off it? (cinema, indoor play, swimming - a huge treat?)

So sorry; men like this enrage me.

[Tinkerbeltinsel]

I think that if he has to cancel then he should be the one telling your daughter so that he is the bad guy and not you, he sounds a bit like a yeah but no but kind of guy and they always end up messing you around, I would hold off with the contact until he has his life sorted a bit more and then reconsider, its not fair on you to take the brunt of your daughter's anger cause of his selfishness

[Alambil]

I forgot to add my experiences.

My ex took me to court for contact. I knew it was all about control (he is an abuser) and not about contact at all so put up a fight to keep DS safe - I wanted contact supervised and in a centre. Anyway, this lasted a couple years and in the end, he never had contact over this time - he was told to sort out the plans himself and he never bothered.

He has been told he can send as many things indirectly (letters/gifts etc - indirect contact as he got abusive face-to-face and on phone calls and emails with me)

Guess how many letters he's sent? That's right - none.

He forgot DS birthday last year and sent a present that was b

[FlamingTomato]

Cunt.

How do people do this to their own fucking offspring? I would cut off my fucking arm before hurting my child like this!

[Alambil]

oooer MN posted that when I was half way through!!

He forgot DS birthday last year and sent a present that was broken, 2 months after the birthday - he only sent it cos I sent a thank-you card to ex nan (who sent DS a tenner) - it must have reminded him.

He hasn't sent anything for DS birthday this year either and I have refrained from thanking his nan (even though it feels so rude) so as to not remind him again.

I wonder if Christmas will bring something? I hope not, to be honest; he doesn't care about DS all year so why should he send something at Christmas?

Anyway, you are not alone - these men are arseholes and you should let the contact responsibility be on his shoulders. Don't stop DD contacting him per se - if she asks when he is coming/why he hasn't been then a phone call to him may help her realise it is HIS fault?

Hope she copes with today and settles soon

Take care x

[rudolphdoesntneedbratnav]

Sadly all you can do is chalk it up to experience and wait for DD to see that it is his fault not yours.

Have been in similar situation with my exH many times, due to generl flakiness rather than illness etc. Funnily enough he started to cut all tht crap when my DP and I moved in together (not that that is much help to you, sorry) but can you think of a way to subtly make him think he is losing her interest (without affecting DD obviously), that might make him pull his socks up?

So for you and for your DD

[jennypenguin]

My xh has made very little effort to see my dds and once he canceled for a really stupid reason and the girls were upset. So when we have arranged something i try not to tell them until the last minute.
I can't understand how he can make such a fuss about wanting to see them more, then not bother to try and arrange anything, then when he does see them he will happily ignore them and play on his xbox.
My 4 year old also hits, kicks and pinches me when she feels like it, glad she's not the only one!!!

[sarah1969]

Thanks everyone! Yes today I am taking her to MacDonalds and then to Santas Grotto, and we are going to have a fun day. I am just dreading bedtime though because the last 2 nights she has been really difficult and its taken several hours to get her to bed.

I also left my partner because of abuse. I insisted on a contact centre but he refused, saying it wasnt necessary and they only worked Saturdays and he had to work some Saturdays (my reminder that he was available SOME saturdays didnt mean anything). His father was paying his solicitors fees and I think he was the one pushing it, he even bought him a car seat for my dd even though he was never alone with her. His girlfriend also was a pain and was pushing it. I had nasty emails and text messages from both of them during the 2 years, phone calls that ended in shouting and abuse, even the few occasions that he had supervised contact at my parents house had him shouting abuse at me whilst dd was in his arms!

I had a fantastic solicitor who was handling it all but she retired. A junior was put onto my case and she told me that if he went to court he would get automatic parental responsibility and unsupervised contact, she continually got my daughters name and date of birth wrong and then lost my file. In the end I thought enough is enough I can do a better job myself.

To begin with I was contacting him over the visits, but the last time I left it, telling people this was my way of seeing how much he cared about our daughter. The 2 weeks passed without any contact whatsoever then at the weekend he asked for Wednesday. I have said that in future he can tell her himself, thats why I let her speak to him this morning, but I dont want there to be a next time. My dd has her school nativity play and concert next Wednesday in which she is an angel. He has said that he will come, even though he is workign the night before and means he will only get 3 hours sleep, but i just know he will not turn up, either because he overslept or because the flu or bug has come back. He is a prize shit and I am so glad I walked out on him 2 years ago!

Unfortunately my daughter still thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread, I just hope that she is starting to realise what he is like for herself. When we first left I suffered terrible abuse from her where she was copying him, and we have come so far these past 2 years, practically curing her violent behaviour, eating disorders, stutter, chronic shyness and low self esteem, etc. I refuse to let him take her back there again, why are men such assholes!

Puts me off men for life, where are all the decent men and how do you find them?? Thanks everyone, sorry I have rambled, just needed to let off steam. Might go sit on Santas knee myself now...!

Sarah

[rudolphdoesntneedbratnav]

I have to admit it does make you wonder how on earth you got it together in the first place sometimes.

I found my DP on t'interweb, and he is fab, it is a great way of meeting people as you don't have to pay a babysitter (at first anyway)

Hope you and DD have a fab day

[sarah1969]

Well, we had a great day - lunch at McDonalds then a trip to see Father Christmas. She never mentioned him once so i thought I had got away with it. Then, as soon as we got home, she said "is daddy coming tomorrow". I said no so she said "what about the day after", again I said no so she said "well he is coming to my play isnt he"!!!

I have been advised to give him one more chance to turn up, and to arrange it without dd knowing, only telling her at the very last minute or else leaving it as a surprise. Not sure whether I should let that one chance be the play next week or just a plain contact visit. He has mentioned nothing about Christmas yet (not even asked what he can get her) so dont know what he is intending, although he has the baby from the other ex and this will be his first christmas so he will probably give that his priority. Also I know his dad will want some form of contact with dd over christmas as he has bought her presents and expects it every year. He usually wants to take her out somewhere so will probably suggest her dad and him take her off somewhere for a while. I am not having it though, a dad is for life, not just for Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish I could find somebody decent on t'web!

Sarah
x