Pingu, pirratePiggy - It's true. There is no right answer about the: ' 'not giving a fuck' and the 'trying to make them see what they have done'.' Your moods change from week to week. It's a grieving process and everyone's situation is different.
It was three years ago for me and, despite my earlier post, my thin veneer of philosophical benign acceptance has been hard-won. My sense of humour is still on back-order pending a delivery. I can remember wanting to scream with the injustice of it, full of barely controlled rage that was eating me up. I could have hit my head against the wall, until it bleed, with the frustration of it - but it wouldn't have done any good. There should be a law against it. Could we go back to the 18th Century or whenever it was and have him sued for breach of promise. Get our menfolk to have a duel and shoot the b*d. No, we live in civilised times and all is fair in love and war.
If (BiiiG IF) there is a kernel inside a nugget of guilt inside him, it is buried way down deep in a place that he never intends to ever let see the light of day. To acknowledge this guilt, to himself let alone to you, would be to create a schism in his psyche and, most likely, his head would start vibrating and explode (nice image).
But, I do think Boohoo and SnooSnoo () are right. From experience, the more you try to pursue the matter with him, the more confirmed and secure he will become in his (insincere) conviction that he was forced by you to treat you this way.
You are 'unreasonable' because you ask him 'difficult' (reasonable) questions that he doesn't want to answer. You are 'harrassing' him. He is 'totally justified' (in his warped dreams) in refusing to discuss it any more.
This man is not 'responsible' - in the sense that you shouldn't trust him with the emotional welfare of your second cousin's 3rd favourite teddy bear. For whatever reason he never developed empathy. He wants to get away with this scot-free and he can.
It's shocking that so many of us have had similar experiences. But it makes you realise it's not your fault. It can happen to anyone.
I think about the ones that leave their small children and go and live with another woman with children and treat those children with so much more love and respect than their own child. What does it mean? It's part of the charade of their new 'love' affair but, aside from that, I can only think that, deep down, these guys hate themselves so much that they cannot cope with their genes going on to a new generation. (It just might have been better if they had realised this when you were planning the pregnancy together.) They can be kind to someone else's child because it is not really their responsibility. They don't feel 'trapped'. It follows, though, that when this next (former) single mum stops worshipping him and feeling grateful that he was willing to take on another man's child(ren), he will have no qualms in leaving her, and her children, without a backwards glance.
Way, way, way down the line, if you leave him alone and if you do move on with your life and make no attempt to make him feel guilty...way down the line, when his 11th identikit relationship after you has failed for the same reasons that yours did (he couldn't cope with real life and responsibility)...way down the line when he looks back on his life and realises it's all been a pile of hollow st. Then, maybe, only maybe, he might think back and wonder whatever happened to 'xxxxx' (you) and feel a little bit unsure about whether he handled it right as you weren't a bad sort really. (Some of his girlfriends since you have perhaps been more determined or adept at seeking revenge.) And, after all, you did have some good times, once. This sudden (not) epiphany of his will be little comfort to you because, by then, he will be ancient history.
It's not fair. Of course you feel the need to rant about it and grieve. If, by some miracle, you have a foolproof way of making him take responsibility for his actions (without it backfiring on you), go for it! And tell me how you wangled it.
I have tried really hard to reason with dd's father, to be civil. He lead me on again a few times (about arrangements for contact with her which he claims he wants but which has never happened) but always ended up taking advantage of my generosity and throwing it back in my face, adding insult to injury. So now we have a stand-off which he will no doubt, in the future, say was my fault. Meanwhile, I endure and the pain slowly fades. I am glad he is out of my life. I would tolerate him for dd's sake but, until then, dd is great and he doesn't know, and may never be capable of understanding, what he's missing.